Re: Physical Involvement
Both he and I are divorced and through the course of our life have met numerous people for marriage purposes. For me to expect him to never have spoken to a girl or had any relationships or interactions is not just naive but its setting him up for failure.
My MIL said something to me right after I got married that stuck with me.
She said “Don’t ask him anything about his past and don’t volunteer anything about yours…I’ve already spoken to him and he won’t ask you anything either”. And he never did. Not once.
Simple advice but its brilliant. Often times, people focus SO much on what this person has done in the past that they forget their purpose…their FUTURE.
I actually know women who have sleepless nights after finding out about something in their husband’s past (because they went digging) and now cannot get over it. Its ruined their marriage because these women hang it over their husbands’ heads like it defines their character. It doesn’t…when Allah swt forgives I am not sure who people think they are to challenge that.
No, I don’t think its necessary that a guy or girl tell their future spouse every little sordid mistake they might have made in life. Its the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of…unless your mistake will impact your spouse and future…zip it. Make a promise to yourself that you will make your future bright and prove to be a great spouse.
No, its not deception either. Its not their past you’re marrying…its their future. Your future.
Is it a big accomplishment to be “pure” by the time you’re married? Meh…I don’t think so. Sure for some it may be but its easy to stay away from haraam things considering our lifestyles. If you lived in the Devil’s Den I’d really consider that a feat of self control but come on…not like you’ve got strippers around 24/7 and out of pure masoomiyat you walk around with horse blinds on.
If both husband and wife don’t ask each other their past then this is perfect advice. Its ideal. And both you clearly had a past due to previous marriage so there is absolutely no need to delve into each others past. It was perfect for you two. Unfortunately in real world, most people who aren’t divorced will ask the guy or girl their past.
My friends sisters ristha was broken up when the girls side found out through their own investigation that the guy was previously having a relationship and living with a divorced woman. It’s often looked at both from guys side and girls side–that’s the real world.