Let’s just say in 20-25 years, your perfect little child grew up and was involved in things that were haram and brought shame to you, your spouse and the rest of your family. How would you handle it? Would you kick them out? Disown them? Or still continue to care for them (even though they are still set in their ways) because he/she is your little baby, your own flesh and blood, and you are the parent and that’s what you’re supposed to do.
Of course, every parent would want to help out their child in any difficult situation, but the child refuses to do so. What would you do?
I would certainly kick them out, not for the haram activities but for disobeying the rules of the house. You live under my roof, you follow my rules. For haram acts, they are liable for their actions. But I wouldn't disown them, unless they commit a hineous crime or something.
^^ then they'd be free to do what they want and cause more harm to themselves?
I'd keep them and try to get to them; if it didn't work I think I'd rather have them by me where I know they are relatively safe and still have a chance at recovering from thier ways.
I truly believe everyone has a relebious side to them and it comes out in full force as a phase.
**PS I'd love for people to respond w/ whether or not they are parents along with thier views.Sorta like a social survery. **
your child will always be your child...no matter what! the love bond will NOT just evaporate in the thin air...if this ever happens, naoozobillah, the parents must calm their anger and look at the problem and try to solve it ... that may include some tough decisions to make. one has to be steadfast and determined to restore the child in his/her past glory ASAP by seeking medical/social help, religious help, psychiatric evaluation etc. parents should talk to the child to find out exactly what went wrong in order to reach the root cause of it all.
you have to stay with your child in a supporting role all the way!
I am a parent and I cant see myself kicking him out of the house or disowning him.. I have a feeling that I will feel guilty that I must have not raised him correctly or just didnt give him enough time or attention that lead to this.. I will try to find help for him and have a talk without any emotions being involved as in emotions oe shame, my own blood, etc... but honestly, if my son ends up with something like that, I am to be blamed. and I will be happy to address that on both ends and see where both of us went wong and how can we make amends with each other and change things about us.
^^ then they'd be free to do what they want and cause more harm to themselves? ****
At 20-25 wouldn't they know what can cause them harm and steer clear of it? What if your attempt to save them only makes them resent you more and they gives them another reason to stick to their ways in defiance?
No, I am not a parent but someone I know is behaving this way and the anguish and pain their parents go through everyday.
Gia brought an interesting point - would you blame yourself as parents, or your grown up, adult child for their decisions? or a little bit of both?
of course you must blame yourself if you did NOT instil in your child the proper religious/social/moral values but it's past...you can't dwell in the past and keep cursing yourself...you should rather concentrate on the future and how to restore the child. you become parent for life...NOT just until kids become an adult!
I have seen examples of the extent to which some kids go, when being bad to their parents and family.....and many a time, a limit is crossed. If , despite parents' best efforts, the kid turns out to a bad egg, and doesn't fix himself........i say kicking out is the only option......if you keep ''accepting/tolerating etc etc''...it would not help him get on the right path......there is a mild chance that if they are kicked out..they might fix themselves..
A while back, I blogged about this topic, in relation to some tension in my family regarding two girl cousins I have who are involved with young men of different faiths from ours. We're talking about mid twenties, professional, post graduate self sufficient adult young ladies here. Knee jerk reaction of ghar ke barray was instantly "if you continue with this relationship, we'll be dead to you".
Not possible. I have yet to see a single parent totally cut off and disown their child due to their actions. Disengage? Yes. Distance themselves? Yes.
Completely kick them out of your lives and never see or hear from them again? No way.
After a certain age and stage, I have to realize that my "babies" will no longer be babies. They will hopefully be self sufficient, productive adults. The world is theirs to do as they see fit. My ubringing and influence can only carry them so far. Will it hurt if I see them make poor choices? Absolutely. Will I worry and fret about their well being? Absolutely. Will I hold myself responsible? Nope.
It would be really hurtful. I wouldn't disown them but it would be hard for me to see that type of behavior in my house day in day out. I know so many parents go through this but honestly I wouldn't know what I would do.
When we were growing up, my parents tried to get through to us by having open discussions and pointing us back to the right path.
At one point, I guess you have to realize that they are baaligh and responsible for their own actions.
I hope I love them enough to weather the storm!!! I dont think taking them out of my life will help me or them!! I dont want them to feel like they don't have a mother or they lost her to a mistake. My children will need me hopefully and I dont and cannot turn my back to them!! Eventually we all grow up and grow out of phases that may be less than ideal but we have to just push through for the storm to pass.
The other thing would be the weight of thier "bad decision"
If they're into drugs then I'm keeping them around me and if possible on log down.
Falling in love out of faith well thats something that you ultimately do have to accept.
At that point you need to realize that they are adults.
No matter what the situation though I'd like to think I'm strong enough to be a constant in thier lives.
Gia brought an interesting point - would you blame yourself as parents, or your grown up, adult child for their decisions? or a little bit of both?
I would blame myself a bit. I know hubby would blame himself completely. but as parents you do your best. I wish it was an exact science but it's not. Every child is different and for some their parents do everything right but the environmental factors are just too strong for them to come out of.
But seriously I don’t get the whole “he/she is my jigar ka tukra and I can never be apart from him” attitude. If a an adult child refuses to repent for their bad actions and their negativity is affecting the others in the family, maintaining family ties and not compelling the child to change their ways is actually enabling their bad behaviour.
If a child crosses a line, then yes a potential consequence should be disowning them or temporarily parting ways,
tolerating/ accepting/supporting that single trouble maker usually results in other kids being marginalized/ neglected/unfairly treated.........since the parents are all attentive and worried about that one ganda aanda.
I think only a non-parent can actually advocate kicking out your child. How can you possibly kick out your child during a time when they probably need you the most?
I would just be there for them and hopefully together we can weather the storm.
Gia brought an interesting point - would you blame yourself as parents, or your grown up, adult child for their decisions? or a little bit of both?
I think parent blaming themselves is root of the problem. Parents have to realize that their children are indiviuals with distinct nature and personality. You can’t create a mold and expect every child of yours to turn out exactly like that mold. When children grow up they are free to make their own decisions based on their own rational and parents need to accept that. They may not agree with what their child is doing but they can agree to disagree. When parents make it issue of tarbeeiyat and say that they failed as a parent, they actually are negating their child’s right of making decisions. It becomes all about them and their expectations.
I am not a parent but I have gone through this with my mother.
I would never kick them out or disown them. If I remain in touch, there is always a good chance that they would come back to the right path. If I break every contact then I know that its not going to be good for them or even for us as parents.
