People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

[Mezhgan]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

In my opinion, everyone looking far too deeply into this. Although they were mistaken, the family obviously had good intentions. Honestly, I find some of these comments rather off putting. Given your response, I wouldn't be surprised if the family thought twice before trying to help someone after this. This is type of overreaction that keeps people from wanting to help others. God forbid you ever really need something.

I don't know if this is cultural, but simply because someone gives you something it, it does not mean that they are implying that you have financial problems. A neighbour of ours quite likes to bake and often gives us cupcakes, biscuits, scones and other sweets she prepares. As she is kind enough to think of us, I also give her cupcakes, biscuits, toffee and other sweets that I prepare. It has nothing to do with anyone's financial state.

[Shak]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

@Iconoclast

I agree with your sentiments Sahdia. If anyone would buy me groceries I would be very offended, I mean you do it for those who are homeless or jobless or very poor. You can give gifts to friends but not groceries.

If I was in your place, I would send them groceries next day and if they didn’t accept I will tell them a drill down.

Acts of kindness shud be thought out as well, once a neighbour sent me half a cake, next day, I braught one, ate half and sent rest to him, he has never done that again.

Sahida sure you can’t say no to free food!

[Sahdia77]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

They, the other people, knew nothing, because there was nothing to know. And they, the other people, had no idea that actually we did have groceries. They had no idea I'd receive money the next day. My daughter told her friend that we would have more money the next day and we had something for today after her friend kept insisting that we should accept groceries from her. I had told my children that morning before going to work that I didn't want to buy groceries that day, as I'd have more money and more time the next day, then I would buy everything anyway. Why take two trips when I could do it all in one and they agreed. And we still had food left in the freezer and the cupboard. My children knew that and agreed with me.

If other people really 'knew' anything at all about us instead of making assumptions, they would have realised we really did have food in the freezer and the cupboard (the friend never checked all cupboards nor the freezer or every corner of the fridge and kitchen) and that I would indeed receive an amount of money the next day and after work I would go to the supermarket. As I often do every week . . .

[redvelvet]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

@Mezhgan

In my opinion, everyone looking far too deeply into this. Although they were mistaken, the family obviously had good intentions. Honestly, I find some of these comments rather off putting. Given your response, I wouldn't be surprised if the family thought twice before trying to help someone after this. This is type of overreaction that keeps people from wanting to help others. God forbid you ever really need something.

I do understand what the OP means though. There's a difference in giving a gift and giving out of humanity. Your neighbor does not give her baked goods to you out of humanity and if she cited humanity as her reason, I think some of her recipients (maybe not you) would find it odd. Kindness is a perfect reason, but humanity is a rather strong word-choice and more suitable for those who are in dire need.

And it is upsetting that someone should assume you're living mouth to end when you're living respectably. I wouldn't feel all that great if someone thought I was ghareeb. But given that it was said by a child, it's better that OP gently explain to the girl in person. Fuming over it will not yelp nobody.

Also, we're focusing only on the OP's response as a recipient. We are forgetting that their is an adab/tareeqa/ettiquette in giving. The giver should not give in a manner that makes the recipient feel embarrassed or self-conscious. The giver in scenario is a child and can be guided gently.

[Sahdia77]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

@Mezhgan

In my opinion, everyone looking far too deeply into this. Although they were mistaken, the family obviously had good intentions. Honestly, I find some of these comments rather off putting. Given your response, I wouldn't be surprised if the family thought twice before trying to help someone after this. This is type of overreaction that keeps people from wanting to help others. God forbid you ever really need something.

Why? Because I was very polite and grateful? Because I pleaded with them very politely to please accept my small amount as I didn't need the groceries at the time? It's normal. So I should lie and say yes, it's true, I have nothing while I'm pinning cash in shops and buying food and watches and other items I need? I can't lie. And what when they run into me buying stuff in town, we all live here, so there is a chance, then how would that be for them: seeing me buy various items as well as lots of food after their child had given us groceries because she assumed for some reason that we have nothing.

I was polite and grateful. And days after giving us the groceries, her family was unpolitely ignoring me after first giving me unpleasant looks, while I kept smiling friendly and first tried to greet them. That really put me off. Just because their daughter gave us groceries because she wrongly assumed we have 'nothing' doesn't mean it's allright for them to treat us unpolitely and suddenly they can do no wrong? I helped many people. When I have extra money, sometimes I still give to people or to charity. Depending on how much extra I have left or not. Yet, after giving them some sort of help, I still greet them and treat them normally. The family of that friend was unpolitely ignoring me, it was the first time I saw them, I had not given them anything back for the groceries yet, I had not even had a chance to thank them yet and to tell them that there was a misunderstanding and however kind, we didn't need the groceries.

Why should this stop them from ever helping the really needy again? They sent the money back. And I have said nothing to them about it again. Not planning to either, by the way.

I have had many horrible experiences after helping others, I first made sure they needed the help and they did, they accepted my help and were happy with it, then they began insisting on my help even when I couldn't at times, or I found out that some of them were saying horrible things about me behind my back which weren't even true, very awful things, or some of them used me and then threw me away. I was shocked and sad. And still that never stopped me from helping someone else. If that person really needs help, then I will still help and I do from time to time.

If I had wrongfully given someone groceries, and they very politely gave me money as a thank you and very politely explained that they weren't in need really and if I would please accept their small amount, I would have accepted it and understood. I would never have felt offended or made a big deal out of it!

I wish someone would treat me like that, because I have been treated very terribly by certain people I helped and who really were happy with my help. That said, some people were nice and did treat me normally after receiving my help. You have all kinds of people everywhere.

[Sahdia77]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

@Shak

Sahida sure you can’t say no to free food!

That would be very Dutch indeed!

[Mezhgan]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

@Sahdia77

Why? Because I was very polite and grateful? Because I pleaded with them very politely to please accept my small amount as I didn't need the groceries at the time? It's normal. So I should lie and say yes, it's true, I have nothing while I'm pinning cash in shops and buying food and watches and other items I need? I can't lie. And what when they run into me buying stuff in town, we all live here, so there is a chance, then how would that be for them: seeing me buy various items as well as lots of food after their child had given us groceries because she assumed for some reason that we have nothing.

I was polite and grateful. And days after giving us the groceries, her family was unpolitely ignoring me after first giving me unpleasant looks, while I kept smiling friendly and first tried to greet them. That really put me off. Just because their daughter gave us groceries because she wrongly assumed we have 'nothing' doesn't mean it's allright for them to treat us unpolitely and suddenly they can do no wrong? I helped many people. When I have extra money, sometimes I still give to people or to charity. Depending on how much extra I have left or not. Yet, after giving them some sort of help, I still greet them and treat them normally. The family of that friend was unpolitely ignoring me, it was the first time I saw them, I had not given them anything back for the groceries yet, I had not even had a chance to thank them yet and to tell them that there was a misunderstanding and however kind, we didn't need the groceries.

Why should this stop them from ever helping the really needy again? They sent the money back. And I have said nothing to them about it again. Not planning to either, by the way.

I have had many horrible experiences after helping others, I first made sure they needed the help and they did, they accepted my help and were happy with it, then they began insisting on my help even when I couldn't at times, or I found out that some of them were saying horrible things about me behind my back which weren't even true, very awful things, or some of them used me and then threw me away. I was shocked and sad. And still that never stopped me from helping someone else. If that person really needs help, then I will still help and I do from time to time.

If I had wrongfully given someone groceries, and they very politely gave me money as a thank you and very politely explained that they weren't in need really and if I would please accept their small amount, I would have accepted it and understood. I would never have felt offended or made a big deal out of it!

I wish someone would treat me like that, because I have been treated very terribly by certain people I helped and who really were happy with my help. That said, some people were nice and did treat me normally after receiving my help. You have all kinds of people everywhere.

I am not implying that you are not polite. However, politeness is relative and what you consider polite, another person may not. For example, the money bit. In some cultures (I don't know what the background of this family is), it is considered impolite to give money for something that was given to you. Some people may find the fact that you gave them money offensive as this implies that they did what they did in expectation of payment.

[Sahdia77]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

@redvelvet

I do understand what the OP means though. There's a difference in giving a gift and giving out of humanity. Your neighbor does not give her baked goods to you out of humanity and if she cited humanity as her reason, I think some of her recipients (maybe not you) would find it odd. Kindness is a perfect reason, but humanity is a rather strong word-choice and more suitable for those who are in dire need.

And it is upsetting that someone should assume you're living mouth to end when you're living respectably. I wouldn't feel all that great if someone thought I was ghareeb. But given that it was said by a child, it's better that OP gently explain to the girl in person. Fuming over it will not yelp nobody.

Also, we're focusing only on the OP's response as a recipient. We are forgetting that their is an adab/tareeqa/ettiquette in giving. The giver should not give in a manner that makes the recipient feel embarrassed or self-conscious. The giver in scenario is a child and can be guided gently.

Well, first of all, I never 'fumed' at the child. Again, my first reaction was 'how kind'. It's the behaviour of her family first towards my daughter and weeks later towards me which did annoy me. My daughter did gently explain her friend, many times even. The friend doesn't listen, nor believe my daughter. So that is the end of that. They are both friends and otherwise still getting along, alhamdulilah.

You are correct in assessing how it felt that other people just assumed I was in dire need while I wasn't. And that feeling increased after being unpolitely ignored by the family of that friend. That friend greeted my kindly, it was only the second time I met her, this time her family was there and I was happy, thinking I could now thank her family personally and politely explain the misunderstanding and then ask that now that they have met me and talked to me, they would perhaps change their mind and allow their daughter to spend time in our home which would have been great for both our daughters. The way they acted made me feel more bizar about accepting their groceries.

It's in the situation and in the way something is done.

[Sahdia77]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

@Mezhgan

I am not implying that you are not polite. However, politeness is relative and what you consider polite, another person may not. For example, the money bit. In some cultures (I don't know what the background of this family is), it is considered impolite to give money for something that was given to you. Some people may find the fact that you gave them money offensive as this implies that they did what they did in expectation of payment.

I understand that. I was hoping they could also understand that to other people it's offensive if a stranger insists they are needy and have nothing and should take their groceries, while it's all not true. I was also hoping they would understand that when they are inpolite towards me while I was being friendly, just days after giving me groceries, that is insulting too.

That's why it would have been nice and polite if their family would have let me greet and talk and personally explain the misunderstanding and perhaps after understanding each other, become friends.

[redvelvet]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

@Sahdia77

Well, first of all, I never 'fumed' at the child. Again, my first reaction was 'how kind'. It's the behaviour of her family first towards my daughter and weeks later towards me which did annoy me. My daughter did gently explain her friend, many times even. The friend doesn't listen, nor believe my daughter. So that is the end of that. They are both friends and otherwise still getting along, alhamdulilah. .

Good grief, I never said you fumed at the girl. I know you didn't. But you, or rather your tone in the thread, comes across as upset. And so what I meant is that there's no point in fuming over this after it's all done. If you choose to speak to the girl in person, do it nicely. Or you may choose to let it go for now and address it if this should happen again in the future.

[Sahdia77]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

I've been nice to the friend when I saw her at school, days after this. We greeted each other before I advanced to her family who didn't want my greetings. So I will let it go. It just surprises me, the entire situation. Just when you think nothing can surprise you ever again. And it did annoy me, only yesterday late in the afternoon I received the money back with their remarks, so it's still fresh in mind and going on now. From tomorrow on it wil start to be a past situation. Insha Allah it won't happen again. This is the final year in this school for most children. And since the explaining of the situation didn't help, I'm keeping my distance.

[Sahdia77]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

If anyone knows the author Shirley Jackson, read her short story ‘After you, my dear Alphonse’. Perhaps that will help to understand this. The story is not completely the same as this situation, but the gist is. One can be insulting while trying to help someone and this story illustrates this very well:

Redirect Notice

[Knight30]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

OP, Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us, I have read a few of your other posts and you seem to have a better understanding of life than me and I am not sure if you need any guidance, there is a huge chasm between perceptions in East and West, the etiquette and if I may say that the mandate in many cases is to seek permission from the other party in a very humble and non pushy way and don't make assumptions, You have every right to feel offended, they hurt your pride and self respect and had no right to do it. I am a first aider and the mandate is to seek permission to help even if the victim is in a life threatening situation.

They were required to seek your consent, politeness does not mean that we become doormats, being assertive and not giving any ground without being loud and aggressive is assertiveness. People will do to us what we allow them to do to us, If I was put in this situation, I would have taken all the stuff to charity and sent them a thank you letter from charity and a note that this is totally unacceptable. If someone left stuff in my house I would call the police on them, here the junk removal people charge $1.50/lbs to remove stuff

[redvelvet]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

@Knight30

If someone left stuff in my house I would call the police on them, here the junk removal people charge $1.50/lbs to remove stuff

Okay, that's an over-reaction, much like your friend's cop-calling wife. First of all, I take it that this girl did not break an entry into the OP's home and "litter" the place with trash. It seems that the friend dropped off the groceries in the the presence of the OP's daughter. You don't call the cops on your child's friend who tried to do something nice (albeit not in the most tactful way) in the presence of your family. Save that sort of extreme, rigid response for a "someone" who is literally an intruder and has done serious damage to your home/family.

[Knight30]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

@redvelvet

Okay, that's an over-reaction, much like your friend's cop-calling wife. First of all, I take it that this girl did not break an entry into the OP's home and "litter" the place with trash. It seems that the friend dropped off the groceries in the the presence of the OP's daughter. You don't call the cops on your child's friend who tried to do something nice (albeit not in the most tactful way) in the presence of your family. Save that sort of extreme, rigid response for a "someone" who is literally an intruder and has done serious damage to your home/family.

Under 18 cannot consent, you cannot leave anything behind without consent, I have sued renters before for leaving belongings behind and won, sometimes really good stuff, I have no time to sell the stuff and removal guys charge 1.50/lbs to remove stuff, during my first aid course we were told that a first aider was sued for saving a life, case law is full of well meaning people being charged.

[redvelvet]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

@Knight30

Under 18 cannot consent, you cannot leave anything behind without consent, I have sued renters before for leaving belongings behind and won, sometimes really good stuff, I have no time to sell the stuff and removal guys charge 1.50/lbs to remove stuff, during my first aid course we were told that a first aider was sued for saving a life, case law is full of well meaning people being charged.

I really don't care. This a totally different dynamics from the example you're sharing. If your renters are leaving behind things on your property after you've told them and possibly even put it in writing that they shouldn't, by all means go after them as they're hurting a business.

This is a friend of the OP's, and she didn't drop a couch or some heavy object in the OP's home. These are groceries which will not take a monumental effort to remove from the home. There is a concept of goodwill and darguzar. Not every situation needs to be approached like a criminal offense. This reaction is not applicable to the OP's current situation. Desi people do tend to bring things/gifts over and insist that you keep them without listening to your refusals. So, do I call the cops the next time that some aunti brings over something I don't want and leaves it on my counter? Seriously? Response varies according to the situation; if there wasn't any flexibility, society would be a mess.

[blackforest_360]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

Maybes next time if they try to pull another move like this donate the food to charity and tell the girl you're thankfuul but there was no more room for extra food in the house so you had to give it away.

[Knight30]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

@redvelvet

Okay, that's an over-reaction, much like your friend's cop-calling wife. First of all, I take it that this girl did not break an entry into the OP's home and "litter" the place with trash. It seems that the friend dropped off the groceries in the the presence of the OP's daughter. You don't call the cops on your child's friend who tried to do something nice (albeit not in the most tactful way) in the presence of your family. Save that sort of extreme, rigid response for a "someone" who is literally an intruder and has done serious damage to your home/family.

Furthermore in my kids school children cannot share food, there are allergies, there are vegetarians, vegans, kosher, Halal, raw diets all this stuff going on top of everything else. Ben the little future Olympian who comes for sleep over brings his prescribed portions for meals and if we deviate from that the parents will rip our faces off.

[redvelvet]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

@Knight30

Furthermore in my kids school children cannot share food, there are allergies, there are vegetarians, vegans, kosher, Halal, raw diets all this stuff going on top of everything else. Ben the little future Olympian who comes for sleep over brings his prescribed portions for meals and if we deviate from that the parents will rip our faces off.

Sahdia, your daughter's friend is a trespassing deviant who littered your home with garbage that will require a rather expensive and monumental effort to remove. Please report her to the cops. But before doing so, make sure to rip off her face so the cops think you acted in self-defense after she attacked you with the loaf of bread she bought you, unaware of your wheat allergies. Now, if your daughter had informed her of these allergies, kick the charge up a few notches to attempted 1st degree murder. There, that should teach her a lesson!!!

[Knight30]

Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

@redvelvet

I really don't care. This a totally different dynamics from the example you're sharing. If your renters are leaving behind things on your property after you've told them and possibly even put it in writing that they shouldn't, by all means go after them as they're hurting a business.

This is a friend of the OP's, and she didn't drop a couch or some heavy object in the OP's home. These are groceries which will not take a monumental effort to remove from the home. There is a concept of goodwill and darguzar. Not every situation needs to be approached like a criminal offense. This reaction is not applicable to the OP's current situation. Desi people do tend to bring things/gifts over and insist that you keep them without listening to your refusals. So, do I call the cops the next time that some aunti brings over something I don't want and leaves it on my counter? Seriously? Response varies according to the situation; if there wasn't any flexibility, society would be a mess.

transgression is a transgression, you punch someone and break his jaw, that under the law is assault, you raise your hand on someone without any intention of striking under the law is still classified as assault.