People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

Lifestyle Relationships
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Days ago a friend of my daughter, she is a fellow Pakistani, insisted on giving us groceries while we didn’t need them.

You see, I was at work (in a schoollibrary). I had had no time to buy groceries yet. I usually buy them after work on such days. And I was going to receive some money the next day, so it was better to buy them the next day when I would have more money and could get everything needed. I was planning to cook veggies and bake fries for that evening and then buy groceries the next day when there would be more money and time.

Well, when I came home, there were groceries. Lots of things we don’t use and some things we do use, it was kind yet unnecesary. As it turned out, this fellow Pakistani friend had insisted on giving us some of the groceries of her family. I was surprised. My daughter said she had told her friend over and over that we do have some groceries and that tomorrow we have more money (and time) to go to the supermarket. Yet her friend didn’t believe her and insisted on giving us groceries.

I thought it was kind and weird at the same time. So days later I wanted to give some money, in a polite manner to that friend. My daughter took the amount to school, but the friend didn’t accept it. So I wrote in polite Urdu and Dutch how thankful I was, but that we didn’t need it, and that I was sending them a small amount and if they would be as kind as to please accept that small amount. Yesterday they put it back in our mailbox, writing that they gave us groceries because of ‘humanity’ and not to receive money.

Well, I never said or wrote they gave us groceries to receive money. I was very polite about receiving their groceries while we didn’t need them and never asked for them as we had enough money to buy our own. I was too polite to return the groceries immediately, so that’s why I opted for the small amount (which did about cover their groceries) and a very polite and grateful thank you note. And then they return that. And call it ‘humanity’.

That is certainly NOT ‘humanity’. We have people dying of hunger here, some have nothing at all. They are the ones who really needed these groceries. We have ‘foodbanks’ here now, for people who can’t afford to buy (enough) groceries. Those foodbanks are constantly asking people for help. If the family of the friend of my daughter would insist on giving groceries to those foodbanks or to the hungry people we increasingly have here in town, that would be TRUE humanity.

How would you feel, if people you don’t even know (their child just being a school friend of your child and nothing more) insist on giving you groceries you never asked for and you don’t need as you still have something left in your home and will have money and time the next day to buy everything you need? And then you want to return it somehow, but want to remain polite, so you don’t throw the groceries back at their face, but instead accept them out of politeness and then write a humble and grateful and polite thank you note asking them to be please be as kind as to accept that small amount as those groceries were not necessary and then they don’t accept that and return it quite unpolitely?

Many of you would think it’s strange and not quite polite and humane, even if you would or wouldn’t admit it. I’d like people to consider how we all treat each other. We all have mistakes, that’s allright. Important is to become aware and change when you notice. Or at least try. Now, if you want to help someone, it is not helping and not polite and certainly not ‘insaniyat’ if you force that help on someone who does NOT need it and never asked for it and who is doing fine in fact and then to refuse to acknowledge that and refuse in an inpolite manner anything that someone you ‘helped’ gives you as that 'help’was never needed really, that is NOT ‘humanity’ nor ‘helping’ . . .

If you truly want to help someone for the sake of ‘insaniyat’, you give to the needy. There are charities or really needy people surely in your town or village or somewhere else near enough. And when you help, that still does not give you a free ticket to be arrogant towards the person you’re helping. Remain respectful towards those people and remain respectful in the manner you give that help. And make sure those people truly need it.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

Some points from my side
1. Kindness is not only restricted for people who are needy. it can be rather should be extended towards all regardless they are needy or not. that family that send over some groceries to you might have done that out of kindness.
2. if someone is being so kind and nice without being so close to you, i would regard them as gems and while i would certainly acknowledge and appreciate their effort, i would never dare to return them in cash.
3. if i would be in there place i would totally be offended if someone for whom i was so considerate about would weigh my kind gesture in terms of money and would return me the favor by giving me cash against it.
4. instead of returning them the money, there are other polite ways to return the favor. like you could have send them a nice home cooked meal or some goodies to your daughter's friend without really making it look like you are doing that in order to return.
5. it doesn't imply that people who are kind towards other people who are not really needy, are not doing any good work for the people who are needy and deserve their favors. they might be helping around the needy as well, so go easy.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

  1. which is why I quietly accepted the groceries and which is why I was grateful which is why I even said thank you very much
  2. well, I would treat the person who I gave something to politely, you see, I saw the family at school of this friend of my daughter, I smiled and wanted to greet and thank, yet they ignored me, the friend did greet me, but her family ignored me, my daughter wasn't treated very kindly either when her friend took her home once . . . is this arrogance the way to treat someone who never harmed you and doesn't even know you, you know, I have given lots of money to others while I am not rich and needed that money myself too for my own children, but after giving that money I still greeted those people instead of inpolitely ignoring them and being arrogant towards them . . . both the giver and receiver should be polite and kind towards each other, giving something is not a free ticket to be arrogant, when I gave people I knew and people I did not know lots of money when they had nothing, I treated them with respect while giving it and after giving it, I don't understand why the family of that friend was inpolite and unfriendly towards my daughter when her friend took her home, and I don't understand why the family of that friend ignored me completely at school when I smiled and advanced to greet and thank them but also explain that the taqleef in this case wasn't necessary, I feel strange to receive something intented for people who have nothing while I do have something
  3. how kind of them, not to be friendly or polite even towards my daughter when she visited them, how kind of them to ignore my smile and me completely when we ran into each other at school, just days after their child wanted to give us groceries, why should I accept something I don't even need from people who treat my daughter unfriendly and inpolite when she is at their home invited by their own child and who treat me unfriendly and inpolite when they see me?
  4. perhaps
  5. most fellow Pakistani's I know and have known all my life, including some of my own family members, do nothing for needy people in the Netherlands, all money goes only to Pakistan, that makes me sad, because we live in the Netherlands, some part of our money should also help the needy people here, I think if we have money to help others, we should give a part to Pakistan and a part to the Netherlands, Holland is our country too after all, many Pakistanis here don't give to charities for cancer, for the environment, for hungry people, etc. (I collected for some of these once and I still collect for Amnesty International) our family friends and family members always talked about how all our money should only go to Pakistan and they often refused to help the needy people here, aren't we all human beings? aren't we supposed to help people everywhere we can and not just our own? Just my humble opinion.
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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

  1. I wanted to add, that I wanted them to have it all back, which would have been inpolite, like throwing it back in their face, hence the amount of money, giving them one dish would not have covered it. Giving them a small amount of money and pleading them to please accept it while thanking them would have been enough. I don't like receiving something from people I don't know and who have treated my daughter unfriendly at their home while their own child had invited my daughter herself in their home. This feeling increased after they completely ignored me after imposing their groceries on me, when I was at school and smiled towards them and advanced to greet them and thank them they ignored me.

Just because someone insists on giving you something does not mean you have to accept it. Sometimes it's inpolite to impose something on others, sometimes it's inpolite to accept it or at least inappropriate, sometimes it's inpolite to not accept it. Every situation is different.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

Maybe they didn't see you or felt embarrassed recieving thanks. When i help others in a simple way i tend to dislike being thanked alot because sometimes i feel guilty that i should of done a greater gesture of kindness then i had done. How did they ignore your daughter? is it a regular thing they ignored her or a one off occassion?

In terms of ettiquitte you should accept it whether you like what they have given you or not; just imagine someone returning a gift you had given and how insulting that would be. If its causing you that much trouble just give it to a homeless shelter. To me it seems that they have hurt your pride as being a provider and career of your daughter but in reality i doubt anyone would go that much out of their way to insult you. Take it as a good gesture and forget about it.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

This can't be compared to a gift. Whenever a friend gives me a gift, I accept it. That is normal. This is a situation when my daughter kept explaining we do have money for groceries and her friend kept saying it's not true and insisted on giving us groceries, no matter how much my daughter explained we don't need it and certainly do have money to buy food and still have something for today even. That is absolutely not the same as giving a gift.

Her family did certainly see me at school. My daughter was in their home just once, after their awkard behaviour she didn't go there again. We were both thinking that maybe the family was having a bad day or maybe being ill or whatever reason. But then seeing us again and looking at us in an unfriendly manner before ignoring us, that was not nice. The friend herself was nice and normal though, but her family wasn't.

It could be that they hate the fact that my daughter has cut her hair completely short. Most of our Pakistani people here hate the fact that I'm divorced and refuse a second marriage and am living alone with my children. To some of them it's a scandal. And the fact that my daughter mostly doesn't weir salwar kameez, she is always covered though and doesn't wear unIslamic clothing, yet still some Pakistani family members and family friends have made negative remarks about the appearance of my daughter. She wanted her hair to be completely short, to see how it feels and because it's easy, it was almost bald. I didn't like it, but I did cut it for her. She looked suprisingly good in it. Not it's growing again. It is possible that perhaps the family of her friend was shocked to see a Pakistani 16 - year old girl with that look, trousers, shirt, short hair. Her friend likes it and is kind, but maybe her family doesn't. It could be a totally different reason too.

I agree with you that when you help someone and they thank too much and too often, it does feel strange and I often become uncomfortable too.

Anyway, I'm hoping that saying all this openly here will help some of us to give a different look at some situations and to look at our own behaviour as well. That includes me of course.

Sometimes there are misunderstandings. Something can be going on the other can't possibly know and then everything looks different than it is. Perhaps it's a misunderstanding between that family and us. But that's why it would have been nice if they would have allowed me to talk to them, get to know each other a bit so we can understand each other. Then we can discover if our views were wrong or right about each other. And that helps us in future contacts with other people.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

Based on your posts the issue seems to lie within you. And not with the other family. You are making way too much assumptions; there are too many 'maybes' in your analysis.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

Maybe they are insulted that you gave them money and still hold a grudge. Just forget about it im sure it will all blow over and things will be back to normal. So far if the daughter is kind to your daughter let them hangout if its doing no harm.

Perhaps you could invite the daughter for dinner and ask her to bring her mother along one day to talk to her but if i was you i wouldn't bring up the incident unless she does incase the mother doesn't feel comfortable about it. Make a friendship with the mother it will be nice if both your daughter and you were friends with them than rather just your daughter , im sure it was a misunderstanding :)

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

Le Pakistan, 'Maybe' are here are to NOT make too many assumptions. There could be issues with me, yes, but there is also a big issue with the other family if they refuse to talk to me and ignore me despite my trying to talk to them . . . And if we are talking 'ettiquettes' here, when one of your family members brings home a friend who is polite and kind to you, you don't treat that guest who was invited by your own family member with rudeness. No maybe there . . .

We tried to think nothing of it, but when they repeat such inpolite behaviour, then there is no doubt, no maybe. The reasons of such inpolite behaviour, that is however a maybe. I have no idea why and I refuse to make any definitive conclusion about them regarding that.

And when a person keeps telling me he or she has enough I don't call that person a liar, I believe him or her, I cannot make assumptions that that person has nothing when I have not even looked in their fridge or checked all their cupboards. That friend made the very wrong assumption that we have 'nothing', she didn't see our fridge, see didn't see all our cupboards, yet based on her own wrong assumptions she decided we have 'nothing', implying my daughter was lying when she told her we do have money which can be proven by my bank account even.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

arabiannights, when I tried to talk to them, I had not yet returned anything. In fact, I had not even had a chance to thank them and explain that actually we didn't need it, yet that it was kind. That was my intention. There had been no other contact between us at that point. Only between our children, my daughter had visited them once, that was it.

Their daughter is not allowed in our home. I have invited her in the past, but her parents forbid it.

I want my daughter to get to know a nice and kind Pakistani, and the same goes for my son. I'd like to them to see the nicer aspects of Pakistani culture. So I was very happy that she had a Pakistani friend. I have told my daughter often to bring her friend home. And I personally invited her friend when I finally met her by chance after school. But she says she isn't allowed. And now I'm not interested in having her here anymore out of fear that she will keep insisting that we don't have money.

So that is that.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

I agree with your sentiments Sahdia. If anyone would buy me groceries I would be very offended, I mean you do it for those who are homeless or jobless or very poor. You can give gifts to friends but not groceries.

If I was in your place, I would send them groceries next day and if they didn't accept I will tell them a drill down.

Acts of kindness shud be thought out as well, once a neighbour sent me half a cake, next day, I braught one, ate half and sent rest to him, he has never done that again.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

However u shud also see why they thought to send u groceries. Once me and my wife went for Friday prayers and on the way her coat got into the car door, got water splashed and but ripped. After the prayer an old lady gave her 10 dollars, she laughed and said, I don’t need but she kept insisting till my wife told her details of our finances :smack:

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

This same friend of my daughter keeps asking us details of our finances. I allowed my daughter to give her some details when her friend kept asking a few weeks ago, but nothing more. She wants to help. It is kind. Yet not needed nor appropriate in every situation.

Since she kept asking my daughter more details about how much money I receive, what kind of extra allowances, etc. I have thought a few times already to show her my bank account because she keeps asking my daughter for every financial detail of our family.

Regarding giving groceries to friends, why not if your friends really need them and are happy with them. It depends on that situation if you do so.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

Haven't read other replies. Every once in a while I come across a post. And I see class. Humanity. Wisdom.

You are spot on. Well said.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

how did anyone get to know that you had a need?
how did that information become available to this family?

sorry if you have mentioned this somewhere.....

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

There was no need at all. I have no idea why other people had these false assumptions . . . I'm sorry I can't answer that since I don't know everything others are thinking.

Many people often insist on 'knowing' what's in my mind, even though they usually are very wrong . . . They also often insist on 'knowing' all about me and my intentions, even though they usually are wrong in these assumptions too. It amuses me very much. :D The truth is, nobody really 'knows' anything about me, only the few things I tell them and nothing more. Very amusing and bizar whenever other people make so-called 'solid' claims about me and my life and my children without any factual basis at all.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

^That. Agree with Muzna. I have been wondering the same question from Op's first post. I'm wondering if maybe your daughter didn't let it slip at one point that you both were short on money or groceries? Or perhaps someone else told this family? Otherwise why is your daughter continuously insisting and insisting that you guys don't need groceries? If your daughter did indeed say something, she may have simply said, "Don't have anything to eat at home. Hopefully mom will get the groceries today." It could have been a simple sentence that may have been misunderstood to be a major problem by the friend. Whomever (be it your daughter or someone else) said anything to this family about you....is likely not to admit it. Your mission is not find out how this things got started, you'll only end up frustrated. You cannot control others, only yourself and your own family. That said, just gently tell your daughter to avoid making any comments regarding being late on groceries and food and money. Tell her you're not accusing her, just asking that she not do it.

Sahdia, if you have received groceries from this girl that you absolutely do not need, then what you can do is to give those items to people that you know that would need them. That way both this girl's family and you (inshaAllah) will receive sawab for helping someone in need.

As GudiaAli suggested above, cook or bake something nice as a gift and go visit this girl's family. And very sweetly tell them how much you appreciate their kindness, but that if they have any misunderstandings that you are struggling or in need, that's not true and that you're managing well. Explain it very gently to them. That way her family will know and can give their help to people who need it more. Also, stop getting angry. Your daughter's friend is a kid or a teen...and they don't always know the best way to word things or respond to people; the same mistake can happen by your own daughter. So, rather than make it a pride issue, let it go, and do something productive with it: 1) pass on unnecessary items to those that need it....2) do something nice for this family. Go meet them; you may be glad that you did...perhaps they'll make good friends.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

That's the whole point. We weren't needy of the money. There was even food in the cupboard, including atta for roti. And food in the freezer, which my daughter also knew. And we don't even often discuss money with other people.

My daughter was continuely insisting we don't need groceries as an answer to the insisting comments of her friend that we did need them. My daughter does admit when she says something she shouldn't, because I'm very open and easy about these issues, my children aren't punished often, but we do talk if they are really wrong in their behaviour. Because of that, they honestly tell me when they for example have low grades at school because of not working hard. Then we talk about that and find solutions. They tell me many things, including serious mistakes. I tell them mine so they learn from my mistakes too and so they realise I'm not perfect, I make mistakes too like every other human and that you are never too old to learn something new. My children aren't afraid to tell me honestly if there really is an issue as this.

And for me it really wasn't such a big deal in the first place. I was surprised, I said it was kind and bizar at the same time. I said it didn't matter much. And that we couldn't send the groceries back, that would be inpolite, so no matter, we'd send a small amount in a humble way and politely plead them to accept it. These were my first reactions. My daughter would have told me if there was anything to be told. Besides, again, why would my daughter say we have 'no food' while we had chawal and atta in one of the cupboards, besan for pakoray, fries and vegetables in the freezer?

How could my daughter say there is nothing to eat at home, when there is food in the cupboards (and she knows it) and food in the freezer . . .

I'm not angry by the way, I'm just annoyed at the behaviour of her family towards us. And I don't understand why that friend has been asking details of our finances for weeks. My daughter even asked my permission about what she can and can't tell whenever her friends asks us our financial details.

I don't think you really read or understood all posts. As I wrote, I did try to meet them, even months ago. I invited that friend when I met her once by chance, my daughter invited her often, yet she said her parents didn't allow her to visit us. I even asked my daughter if my meeting the parents of this friend would help in asking her parents to give permission for her visits to us. That was another reason I was hoping to meet her family and ask them personally. I tried to meet her family when we saw each other at school. I was kind and friendly, I smiled, I advanced to greet only to be ignored after first receiving unkind looks which I still greeted with a friendly smile from my side. My daughter was even treated unfriendly when this friend took her home. Her friend was even surprised about the unfriendly and unpolite treatment my daughter received in their home. She said her family usually doesn't behave like that.

Baking one dish, again, would not cover the groceries, the small amount I wanted to give did. You see, I don't like to take something from people I don't know, be it money or anyting else. Still, out of politeness I said 'thank you'. My first reaction was 'how kind'. Until days later I was treated unpolitely when I ran into the family of that friend at school. At that point, I had had no contact at all with them.

I'm not the only person in the world with this opinion. Every Pakistani family friend of ours is like this too regarding accepting money or groceries or expensive gifts. Whenever there was Eid, or some family friends visited us after a long time, some of them used to give us money or expensive gifts, my parents refused to accept that, even though they were all friends. So my parents gave their children money or expensive gifts too or refused to let us accept theirs.

Whenever we visited Pakistani family friends, they refused to take our money and expensive gifts too. And if they did accept after my parents insisting, then they gave us something expensive too or the same amount of money or more, immediately.

I even remember a funny scene at an airport. It was late 80s, we were saying goodbye to very dear family friends. (from Lahore) They gave my brother and me money. As the Dutch people watched on in surprise, my parents started giving them that money back, then Aunty gave the money to us again. Then they were all fighting over accepting that amount or not. In Potohari and Punjabi, yes, they somehow mixed these languages when they communicated! To the Dutch it must have seemed a bizar fight.

Something similar when we visited family in France. It was mid 90s. We were outside. Saying goodbye to return to Holland. My mother gave my cousins money. Their mother immediately returned it. Refused to accept it. Mine insisted. So Aunty gave us more to be even. At a certain point they were arguing so to speak about who should and shouldn't accept what amount of money. The French looked on in surprise. With similar surprised and semi scared looks as the Dutch all those years ago in that airport in Amsterdam.

To me, that was all strange. When a dear friend gives me a gift or money to really help me or to be really kind, then I will accept it. But only if we know each other well and are excellent friends. (unless I find out that friend has been lying about me behind my back, saying nasty things, but I need solid proof of that, or if that friend turns out to be not a real and kind friend later on, and I need solid evidence of that too before I would return any such gift or money, only in are cases I would do that to someone who has really really mistreated me in some hurtful or terrible way). It's people I don't know whom I'd rather not take anything from. Yet, some people even don't like to receive anything from people they know very well. I guess we all have different views on everything.

Hey, I even received a gift card of 25 euros from my colleagues at the same school where I'm working now in a school library. Prior to the school library job, I was in a different floor, helping out during cooking lessons, taking care of utensils and making sure they had everything needed for the cooking lessons, as well as some other tasks. I was there from january 2014 until april. At the end, the day I was supposed to start in the school library, my colleagues from the cooking department gave me a thank you card with a gift card, containing 25 euros. I was quite moved as I didn't expect this. They said I had earned it because I had worked hard and that they liked working with me. Now I look at the card and still smile. It's on my desk. And I'm going to get something lovely soon for the 25 euros they gifted me.

You see, there is a time and place for everything. And there is a different way for a different situation.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

Wow, that's strange that the family's standoffish. I guess you could talk to the daughter in person and tell her that while you appreciate her kindness, her humanity remark troubles you because you are not financially struggling. And see how things ago. Maybe you just need to talk to her again...or just let it go...might not repeat itself.

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Re: People who force groceries on you while you have enough money to buy them

How old is your daughter? How did they find out that you don't have groceries or paycheck comes the next day, etc?

Children repeat stuff they hear their patents talking/discussing.

However, if it is really bothering you, donate some money to a charity of choice.