People pleaser/can't say no

Lifestyle Relationships
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I have a very big problem… my problem is that I’m too much of a people pleaser, and its like ruining my life. I find it so so difficult to say no to people, and that puts me in a position where alot of times I end up having to do things I really don’t wanna do, or people start taking advantage of my niceness and I feel bad, almost ashamed really, to call them out on it… mainly because I hate confrontation, I hate fights, I hate any sort of hostility that may result from it.

For example, if someone asks me to babysit their kids and I really can’t because I have my own stuff to do, or because I just dont feel like it, I feel guilty saying no because I feel as if that person came to me with an expectation of having their request fulfilled, and being a good friend, or just being a good person, I shouldnt let them down.

One of my friends actually totally took advantage of me a few weeks ago, and I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming. She always asked me to do her favors, buy her stuff (when I really didnt even ahve much money to be doling out in favors to others, which by the way she didn’t even return but I didnt have the guts to ask for it back when I really needed it), she put me down, belittled my emotions, criticized my lifestyle, the choices I’ve made, and I just took that to be her being insecure and doing all that to make ehrself feel better, but in the end she really screwed me over when I asked her for a favor, she promised me, and then the day I had some big plans, she decided to bail on me.

I’m tired of always saying yes to everything but cant find it in me to say NO! :bummer: I don’t know how to protect my personal space, and I don’t know how to ask others for favors, especially when I do them favors.

Most of my friends tell me that behave like a lackie or whatever the word is with some of the people I interact with, but I dont know how to end it. I’m just getting so frustrated giving into the needs and desires and demands of others, but still cant voice my opinions without feeling like a selfish biatch.

Help :frowning:

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Re: People pleaser/can't say no

you are gonna age quickly.......dont say i didnt warn you.

main...
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Re: People pleaser/can’t say no

I know that, its stressing me out, I feel so controlled and helpless, and I don’t know when I started becoming like this or why, but now that I am this way, I feel trapped, I cant say that word!!! :crying:

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Re: People pleaser/can’t say no

yaar u should pass that task to someone else. :hehe:

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Re: People pleaser/can’t say no

It’s ok to do favors for people once in a while even if it’s an inconvenience. You gain sawab (rewards/blessings) for that. But not ALL the time not if you are going to lose your sanity over it. I’m telling you…it’s only going to get worse if you dont put an end to it now. I have seen way to many aunties that are like this…and they are losing hair, losing their mind, and getting hagered looking…and half the time they dont even get any appreciation for it. :bummer:

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Re: People pleaser/can't say no

sabriya

believe me, it will become very easy very quickly the first few times that you say no its will be tough, after that u can say no before they are even done with their question.

Nashukri Desi Ladies.....
Nashukri Desi Ladies.....
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Re: People pleaser/can’t say no

The other day, i was hanging w/ my friend, she wanted to go somewhere cz it was Eid and she asked me for a favor..im like y cant u do it? she said “its’ Eid, i want to spend tme w/ my family etc”… im like..uhh…and I DONT have a family tha ti want to spend time w/??? whatever—if i’d been in a better mood i would’ve done the favor for her no problem, but thats hte kinda stuff i get to hear..

Another time, another friend asked me to help him w/ his paper. He was like “Wow i can’t believe two of my very good friends are english majors!”…meanwhile we NEVER hang out or talk outside of school… :rolleyes: so he emails me at 1130 saying it’s due at midnight and he’s really asking for help…and i helped, fixed the paper etc…the next day, i needed a favor, he’s like “oh im too busy”…needless to say i’m not friends w/ those ppl.

You know what I did once? My cousin asked me for help on her paper for a college class (i was in HS at the time)…she even paid me, i got the books, money etc…the day before it was due, i bailed out (cz I was lazy too)…even gave her back the money. Even though that’s messed up , i still don’t feel bad. I think that’s the only time i ever “fought” back.

Ok this is the most recent situation i’m in–there’s this guy in my class, throughout the semester whenever I asked for the answers to the HW, he would only reply like after 11 PM sunday (it was online HW, automatically graded at 11PM) with whatever excuse… ok whatever…so its time for hte final, he’s taking it a day later for whatever reason, and after i took it he was asking me for help, what Qs were on it, what to xpect etc, gave him my study sheet etc the nxt day, during the xam he kept texting me, asking me answers to a Q. and the best part?? He’ll probably end up w/ a better grade than me! My instinct was that… I’d rather be “stupid” than be a “b*tch” and not help when someone asks me to, i mean i’m not losing anything by helping him out, its not like i had to study for another xam that i lost time by helping him, or anything like that…bt at the same time I did study really hard and it’s really going to suck if i get a low grade while he gets a higher one cz of MY help. sigh

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Re: People pleaser/can’t say no

Yeah but what if they keep pestering you and making you feel guilty like “c’mon please, you know I wouldnt ask you if I absolutely didnt need it, be a friend!” and then they stare at you with these big pleading eyes and I feel like the bad one then if I say no.

You know this same friend I mentioned in my post, we were working together last year, and on the last iftari she didnt show up at work, and I ended up having to stay the whole day when she very well knew my family was having a big party that day. I missed it, and she never even said sorry. I later found out that her excuse of a toothache was a lie and she was just busy chilling with her boyfriend. I continued to be friends with her regardless. After that, she asked to borrow one of my earrings, I didnt exactly say no, but I made an excuse of not being able to find them that very moment adn she stopped talking to me for six months. No calls, nothing. She finally called me back one day, and after that we were friends again, but when I think of it, she only became friends with me again so I could babysit her son while she was working all day :vivo:

Even afterrrrrr all that, I dont know why I didnt drop her. She’s spanish by the way, and alls he ever really did was tell me to leave my family, that they’re being too overbearing, but on the same token, she’s a single parent of a son still lviing with her parents and her mom used to come and curse her out at our workplace sometimes but my sharaafat never allowed me to say anything to her, and she continued talking smack about my family, which I just found out after our big fight. Now if I had had the freakin guts to say anything, she wouldnt have gone that far. :hinna:

I almost forgot
I almost forgot
I almost forgot
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Re: People pleaser/can't say no

oh and you know what else people will get so used to you saying yes all the time then when you do work up the courage to say NO....people will hate you for it...talk crap about you etc etc.... so best to get people used to your NO's NOW!

ok sorry...im venting here ........ :D

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Re: People pleaser/can't say no

YES YES! THATS EXACTLYYY WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!! That's what I'm afraid of now, that if I start saying no, everyone will think im just this evil self-centered person who doesn't care about other peoples majbooriyaan and ill be known as some sort of witch, and if and when I ever need help, no one will want to help me either :(

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Re: People pleaser/can't say no

how do u know howww to say a good no right away at the given situation :S

and sometimes ppl just force u into it somehow

I almost forgot
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Re: People pleaser/can't say no

Another thing I want to ask is, how do you say no without saying rude or mean? Like sometimes even my sister calls me and asks me soemthing like hey if you have free time, would you mind doing so and so for me? And I want to say no soooo badlyyy because I just might have no interest in that, or no free time at all, but I dont want her to think im being disrespectful... Or like im out of the house, and my dad calls and says hey if its not out of your way, can you go to so and so's house and pick up my (whatever it may be) for me.. and I'll just lie and tell him its not out of my way and then proceed to drive half hour to a destination where I wasnt even going to, just to do his favor for him.

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Re: People pleaser/can’t say no

sabriya…the talkers are gonna talk about you regardless of what you do…it’s in their nature.

if you dont want to sound rude and/or you dont have the courage to say no right away…tell them that you will get back to them and let them know at a later date.

OR you can just do the desi thing …smile and say INSHALLAH when you know very well that you arent going to do it :cb:

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Re: People pleaser/can't say no

if dont want to say no so openly, say I am sorry, I would but I have committed time to someone else, or if they ask u to buy them anything, simply, I am sorry but I am very low on funds.

if its somethign like ned help with some project etc, just say u have other commitments and dont have the time to help.

eventually ppl will back off.

Please Loadshedding se bachao ki tadabeer post karain?
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Re: People pleaser/can't say no

x2, thanks for the advice. I'll try this method next time anyone asks me for something, I just need to muster the courage to do so.

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Re: People pleaser/can’t say no

yea that’ll work. :k:

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Re: People pleaser/can't say no

If those ppl think you're self-centered and evil, do you really want anything to do with them? if they'll hate you for not doing them a favor, you really don't need them in your life!

That's the thing, i know what I did w/ my cousin was incredibly biatchy and i would never do that if she hadn't been a B to me.... i had a bunch of other friends whom when always hanging out would leave to go somewhere else and ask me if i cud watch their things..eventually i got sick of them (alot of other things as well) and i dropped that group of friends...

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Re: People pleaser/can’t say no

Hmm, you’re so right! I never thought of it that way :hmmm:

Ok while we’re on the topic, another thing that bothers me is my inability when being pursued by a male who is just clearly very disrespectful or vulgar, again I have trouble saying no in a loud firm voice… If I say no once and they continue I usually dont say it again, mostly out of fear of what he might do/ say to me after getting rejected, and that results in the retard getting ideas that I may be interested or playing hard to get, or just plain shy. Most of my friends think I just like the attention and thats why I’m not saying anything, but I swear thats not the case! It’s so hard to explain.

I almost forgot
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Re: People pleaser/can't say no

How long as this been going on for, were you more assertive before?

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Re: People pleaser/can't say no

Yeah I would like to think that I was. I don't ever remember being such a freakin puppet! If I had to give a time frame, I would say more so since the past two years than I've ever been. But thats probably just cuz that one friend is the one whose demanded so much from me than any of the friends i've ever had.

Cafe ke Baithak - MAy
Cafe ke Baithak - MAy