People having problems with Daughters

Lifestyle Parenting, Household Affairs and Cuisine corner
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I cannot believe this type of idiocy and jahiliyat still exists in our culture.

I recently went to someone’s house and they had a baby daughter, for the 3rd time. I mean that is a GREAT status in terms of a Islamic household. The father has 3 gates of Jannah opened for him from the start( provided he takes care of his daughters.)

However, what pisses me off the most is, how people frown upon additional girls in the family. They frown upon the fact that God gave them too many daughters and not enough sons, and I know A LOT of Pakistani people still think this way!

This mentality is disgusting. These people are disgusting. And if you think this way, YOU ARE DISGUSTING!

Have you ever experienced that? 'cuz I would be elated to have 1,2,3,4,5,6 daughters!

I believe this type of negative thinking comes from the indian culture of having to worry about their marriages, their rakhwali, their expenses etc.

This should not be a case for Muslims, if we have true faith in Allah, the Provider, he will take care of us and our daughters.

I want to understand why people continue to frown upon having daughters.

I nearly got into a heated scuffle with the person who frowned upon my cousin having another baby girl (May Allah bless her).

Seriously, people are STILL JAHIL!

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Re: People having problems with Daughters

^ Calm down, please. :)

It's definitely irritating and annoying when people hold such beliefs. But you should be happy that you are not one of them - and because you know better, lead by example. :)

Once people see that it's not cool for them to frown upon daughters - they will get the point, slowly but surely!

So calm down, pray for them, and smile!

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I am calm now lol, but imagine if someone came up to you and said that to you after you had a daughter. I haven't had one yet, but I am sure it hurts like a dagger to the heart for the parents.

I am just still in shock that people still think this way.

4

It's believed that a son will take care of the parents and financially support them in their old age, whereas daughters will leave and parents worry about the dowry, blah, bla, blah, bla, blah.

The funny thing is that a son might turn out to be really messed up and the parents will end up turning to their daughters. And not all sons prefer to live with parents.

5

We had a thread about this issue not too long ago and honestly some people said some really sensible things there - explaining the mentality behind it, how they looked at it, etc. Let me see if I can find it for you.

Also, we are four sisters and believe me my mom had to deal with pretty ugly stuff.

It doesn't shock me anymore, honestly.

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Re: People having problems with Daughters

Here it is: http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-relationships/299812-having-2nd-girl.html

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Re: People having problems with Daughters

I said it before and Ill say it again, in this day and age man and woman are the same.

Having a baby boy or baby girl does not make a difference anymore.

Mujh Sey Maat Poch Mere Mehbob Ki Sadagi Ka Andaz
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Re: People having problems with Daughters

^well the times r changing but most of our ppl still hav same old thoughts.having more daughters might not hurt a young couple but it certainly does their parents esp boys family n if the man is not man enuf to shut them up it silently effects him too n indirectly it effects the wife as well.
n then there r families with 3-4 boys n dying for a girl.

~~~Missing Someone~~~
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Re: People having problems with Daughters

crescent, thanks for opening this thread.

you have touched upon, an issue that is of great impact as you point out... for the daughters themselves, most importantly and for their parents and the societal unethical and unfair behaviors and practices.

the key here is distraction from the personal responsibility to be fair to all children, which shows through the compensatory mentality to attribute more strain and burdensomeness with female children, to better care for male children.

the lack of control in the lives of male children is caused because female children are pressured in unfair ways.

boys can go out and stay out late, girls cant
boys can establish career and study further till late and be away from home, but girls cant or a lot of
obstacles are caused in their way to become independent.

Boys have an active social and sexual life, as they grow up to be men, whereas girls are tabood not to have it and totally shut out that part of their lives as they grow up to be young women.

So on and so forth

then, the whole thrust of marriage and marrying who parents choose... something that further damages self esteem and autonomy of women.

all in all, these things KEEP female children down graded and dependent.

What is the solution to this?
In the context of the anecdote which you presented, the best you can do and could have done, is to encourage the people in the family, to welcome the 3rd female child. Other concerned people only need do, what will make the most difference: indicate through their choice of words and behaviors, actions and thoughts, that having female daughters is fine and normal that they are valuable just like boys are. As a friend or an acquaintance, directly and indirectly, carefully, people must tell father and the mother as well as other resentful members of a bigger family, that parents must love their daughters a lot and make them self sufficient and become a reason of pride for the parents, when they grow up.

with gradual and consistent changes in behaviors of other people, around parents of the multiple daughters, a positive change will take place in how daughters are viewed and given the safe space to be raised in, where they will thrive just as well and equally, as male children are provided the nurturing care, to be.

~~~Missing Someone~~~
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Re: People having problems with Daughters

hindu culture.. sad sad lifestyle they preach.

and no PSquared, THERE is a difference between the two :D

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Re: People having problems with Daughters

“Whoever takes care of two girls until they reach adulthood - he and I will come (together) on the Day of Resurrection - and he interlaced his fingers (meaning in Paradise).” (Reported by Muslim)

“Whoever has three daughters or sisters, or two daughters of two sisters, and lives along with them in a good manner, and has patience with them, and fears Allah with regard to them will enter Paradise.” (Reported by Abu Dawud, Al-Tirmidhee and others)

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Re: People having problems with Daughters

Heres another perspective, when my niece was born, a lady told me to tell my brother not to worry, and that God will give him a son next time. It irked me that she had the nerve to say something like that, and replied as much that they were more than happy with a baby girl.

Now the funny thing is, the lady herself has 5 sons and one daughter, and from what i know, she would do anything for her one daughter over her sons. This seems contrdictory to her preference for having boys.

The only logical thing you can put it down to, is daughters in some society are expected to be treated pretty bad and these mother's know only too well, for they were those daughters at one time. I would think inorder to protect thier daughters from going through the same experience and not being able to fight for them, i think sadly, its is the least form of protection these women have..and that not wanting to have baby girls in the first place mean not having to put them through all this crap.

I dont think it is the dislike of daughters as much as it is dislike of the partriarch society that demeans them as such, that some mothers prefer having sons over daughters.

Timepass - November 2012
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Re: People having problems with Daughters

*^ That's definitely a good way to look at it.
*

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^ i have heard this is where the "not wanting any daughters" stems from.

In this day in age....people need to let go of that mentality. In some instances daughters have far surpassed their male siblings....financially, academically, socially, intellectually, career wise...list goes on and on. Daughters in many families are also the main support...the pillar, if you will of their family. When their daughters get married the family feels a huge loss.

So many people say..."poor you for having daughters" but in the end...it's often the daughters that are always there for their parents while the sons are busy with their own families and career.

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Re: People having problems with Daughters

whether its a son, or whether its a daughter, both should equally treated.
the only things parents should pray is to have a child who is not disabled.

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Re: People having problems with Daughters

What irrates me the most that WOMEN says these things to OTHER WOMEN. HELLO you are are gal yourself!

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That depends on what day and age you are talking about. That mentality is not often found In the west or in modern cities in pakistan, where daughters have the opportunity to prove themselves academically, financially career wise etc. but in the majority of places in pak, where these opportunities do not exist, its abit much to expect people to rid themselves of such mentality just like that, where the sole source of influence of these views is generally society.

Hence once again, the partricarch society is largely at fault, where a daughters' role is limited to the household and thier other needs are not generally acknowledged or catered for.

There is a lame saying in punjabi that refelects this notion, if i can recall it correctly:

Hik dhee jammi, doa puchnRa patiya

roughly meaninly, first the newborn is a girl and on top of that, everyone rushes to see her (in other words overdoing it).

~~~Missing Someone~~~
18

Unfortunately, this thought process is as evident in muslim culture my friend. One of the main preachings of Islam was to stop killings of baby girls and we have so many examples in our teachings to help us get over that cultural issue. And yet we see so many people in our community go crazy having daughters after daughters just in the effort of getting a son. Some people even go to the extent of marrying 2nd, 3rd wives so they can get a son. This is just an obsession. Unfortunately, most women in our community look down upon women who don't have sons. Oh well.

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Re: People having problems with Daughters

It is sick and a very sad situation when that happens. Every new baby who comes into this world is a blessing from Allah to the parents. Alhumdullilah my husband has got 6 neices and yet my parents-in-law are praying for us kay "Allah aik larka day day humko!"

I get so sad that inshallah when im pregnant in the future, what will they be thinking once they find i gave birth to a baby girl?

What will i say to them is whats stressing me out already!! I just want to shout at my mil for saying that all the time even though she is a namaazi mashallah.

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Re: People having problems with Daughters

Loads of people still think this way, in the UK a lot of hospitals in desi areas will actually refuse to tell a couple the sex of their baby on these grounds.