People badmouthing...what should be the response??

Lifestyle Relationships
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So here is a situation…

A certain “she-relative” is living with us in our home…like on a separate floor separate accomodation..

we pay the bills, handle maintenance etc etc…

the other day, the lady came down, badmouthed (bakwaas) in front of my mom (my mom is like age of her mom)…(i wasn’t there at that time) and complains that why you ‘invade’ my privacy and switch off extra lights n stuff…

she basically insulted my mom and i am not too happy about it…

so what should i do??

A- Confront her and set her mind straight?

B- Just keep quiete and do nothing?

C- something else ..(suggestion)

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

confront her.

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

Tough situation but I would suggest that you look at the situation from an unbiased perspective and see if her concerns/complaints are valid (are you really dictating when the lights should be turned off or not). If her concerns are right than talk to her about her tone but also assure her that you are not trying to enforce your rules into her life just because you are taking care of her needs.

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

I mean confront her like, talk to her first..was anyone else there? is she the type who speaks to others poorly, esp to elders? maybe she didn't mean to be mean but it came out wrong and your mother took it the wrong way?

It can go either way, really.

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

We switch off the lights n stuff when nobody is there...because she likes to leave lights switched on n stuff......we don't go to her place taking 'talaaashi' of her stuff (this is one of the accusations too)......i go only to switch off lights n stuff....or take some kitchen items (just like she does coming to ours)...

it can't get more unbiased because i am the one who switches off the electric appliances because its 'we' who pay the bills.....

so TLK someone insults your mom and you just have to 'talk about the tone' and 're-assure' ??

If she had talked about her issue in a civilised manner i wouldn't have to 'think' about my response...

i am just trying to get the perspective u are offering... how to respond to such a badmouthing individual??

yes there were 2 more people, and yes she has the history of badmouthing to elders.....i have kept quiete before because the elders wouldn't let me say anything....

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

Oh, gosh...having relos stay over can be really tough. Some questions though:

Did she specify how her privacy is being invaded? If she has given examples of ways that her privacy is being invaded......then reflect on them.......and if you feel that you and your mom can make adjustments/compromises in that area....then do so. (sometimes we can make mistakes without realizing it).

You mentioned that you're paying the bills........so it doesn't seem wrong to me that you would want to switch of lights when the rooms are not in use....or if they're consdered extra. Since she's not paying the bills......she should show more consideration.

I would suggest that you confront her in a calm and dignified manner. Explain to her the reasons why the additional lights are being switched off (bill). ...and that might get her to understand the situation a bit better. Ask her how she feels her privacy is being invaded.....listen to what she says......if she has misunderstandings about that, then clear them up with her. And then tell her that you're not asking that she contribute to the bills, however you request that (in the future) all concerns about living arrangements be discussed in a respectful and peaceful manner by ALL parties (that way you're not playing the blame game).

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

You should certainly give her a piece of your mind and tell her that you won't tolerate that kind of behaviour with your mum. But keep it only to that, don't make any references to how she's living under your roof, etc.

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

I dnt know...normally if I was living in someone else's place and they are paying the bills and everything, I think I would be polite and try to live by their rules...

I did live at my uncles before for a few months...and they would sleep really early..so I would also go to my room, and read a book or something.

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

[quote="NomiCA"]

If she had talked about her issue in a civilised manner i wouldn't have to 'think' about my response...

QUOTE]

Believe me, I understand what you're going through....cuz I'm gonna have to deal with a similar situation as well. And I KNOW that it's easier said than done.....but if you yourself are saying that you would have been more open to listening to her if she talked in a civilized manner......and then you "get her back" by talking to her in a rude way.............then you lose the right to scold her for her disrespectful behavior. That's because....BOTH of you will have behaved disrespectfully then...........tum dono main koi faraq nahin rahay ga. So YOU be the bigger person here. As much as you feel like bashing her head agains the wall and hurling some choice words at her..............take the higher road........show her how it should be done. Even if she never admits or shows it.......you can really shame a person EVEN MORE and make them feel more guilty/stupid.......by choosing to respond to them in a manner that was more civilized theirs.

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

hmm......been there...done that.....

actually have taken the high road so many times.....i am almost sick of it......it doesn't seem to have much effect.......thats why i ask about a 'badmouthing person'......had it been a one off event my response would've been what you said...normal people would respond in a calm way if someone badmouths once or twice...but when it goes on n on....what should normal people do then?? thats the question i am asking...i hope you get my point....

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

So, have to tried the civil/polite approach with THIS PARTICULAR relative more than once? Or are you saying that you've tried it with others and found that it didn't work. If it's the second.......then try being nice......because she may react differently than other people. If you're tired of being nice to her.....then be more firm:

1) Tell her firmly that you will not tolerate any rudeness from her at all, set boundaries. Tell her that if she is unable to live under your roof while everything is paid for her.........then she's welcome to find another place that she'll have to PAY for but that will meet her needs. Should get the hint across.

2) Ask her to contribute to the bills......and see how she reacts. She might change her ways. You and your mom BOTH approach her.......and if you have any other relos living in the area who have issues wither....ask em to join you as well.......and approach her about her attitude. Power in numbers n all....and tell her that it's becoming difficult and that you are "contemplating" that separate rooves might be more peaceful since SHE (put it on her) is the one who is not only unappreciative but also disrespecful. It might make her either....leave...or shape up.

3) Hmm, we don't have any details about this relative. Is she a cousin...is she someone younger and unmarried....how about complaining to her parents about her behavior (if that would help)?

4) LOL, if those other lights are "extra" in the sense that they are not needed at all........just remove/disconnect them. For example, some lights in rooms are decorative and unnecessary and one way people reduce their bill is by removing them.

5) Separate the kitchen items...so that you don't have to go to her place....store your things away from hers.

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

Yes...with this particular relative...

The lights n stuff is not the core problem.....these are not HUGE ISSUES......I am talking about the OVERALL behavioural problem with her attitude of badmouthing everytime she has a problem.....how should one respond to such a person?

P.S i only mentioned some details about this event to illustrate the person's behaviour in a particular case......but my question is general in nature..

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

I listed some ways of "responding" above. What exactly are you looking for, Nomi? Respond kaisay kiya jaata hai? You do it through words...or with actions....or with both.

1) You can respond by telling her parents of her attitude. Get her that way.

2) You can respond by telling her to pay the bills from now on. (This is a way of putting her in a very unpleasant and vulnerable spot)

3) Tell her that since SHE's having issues living peacefully in a place she doesn't have to pay for.......then she can consider a different place that she'll have to pay for but that will meet her requirements. This is a strong way of telling her "Get the hell out of here if you can't behave."

What exactly are you looking for in a response? Gaaliyan...showing her the middle finger....hiring a hit-man to beat her up? Would that make you feel better?

Aur kis tarha se respond karna chahiye? Even giving the silent treatment is like a "response." You could choose to take her stuff and put it out on the street.......or ask her to pack up.......if you want to be more harsh and abrupt like that. There are several ways to respond, take your pick.

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

is she your wife?

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

This is not kasauti..you're mixing up threads :D

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

Well, that's a good question. IS she your wife? How is she related to you?

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

All i can disclose is..

-she is NOT my wife :D
-she is married with a kid (and her husband can't do anything about -her behavioiur)
can't kick her out

  • she does contribute..lets say 20% of the expenses
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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

do A. you should confront her and tell her that there is a certain way of telling things without being rude. but all in all discuss with your mom first and think what she says. the thing is that if you dont tell that lady now she will assume that its easy to say stuff like that to you guys. samjhao magar pyaar aur araam se. lets see her response if she apologises fine.

but if she is stubborn or apologises but later does something similar then warn her about the fact that she might have to leave.

all in all i'll say dont take any step on your own..kuch bhi karne se pehle anti se zaroor discuss karna kyon ke bari hain zaida tajurba kaar hain is liye hoskata hai unke paas koi behter hal ho.

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

Since it seems like you're not looking for a civil response..............aisa karo.............un ka jeena haraam kar do:

1) Knock on their door and run away. When they ask why you knocked....act like they're crazy and you don't know what they're talking about.

2) Invite yourself over to their place often.

3) If they don't have kids......ask them every day when they're planning to have a kaka.....that will annoy them. If they already have kids, then advise them everyday on how to raise their kids.

4) Give "well-meaning" suggestions.......tell them they're gaining weight.....or looking super tired.....etc........do it often. Give them sex advice...if need be.

5) Make a lot of noise

6) Bother them with questions often.

7) Take some dirty magazines.......plant them in their place........and then accuse them of bringing filth into your house. ***If anything....this could at least get the woman made at her husband and drive her out of the house.

8) Start hitting on her......pretend your interested in her......her husband will move them both out soon enough.

9) If she's that despicable.......hit on her husband.....

10) If they have kids........corrupt them.

11) Tell them the place is haunted.....and make it appear so with props and sound effects.

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Re: People badmouthing...what should be the response??

Actually elders have tolerated her behaviour many times..without saying a word to her face...and I never stepped in due to my elders being incharge of the matters..

My mom is a heart patient.....and her blood pressure shot up after the event...i had to give her extra pills to calm her nerves...

but it has not stopped....it has happened before and i don't want her to do it again.....thats all

thanks for your advice anyways..i will keep it in mind

where did i say that i am not looking for a civil response?

I appreciate your time and effort that you put into replying in this thread.....and i will definitly keep your advice in previoius posts in mind when 'responding'...

but this latest post of yours which is full of sarcastic-ridicule was totally uncalled for...... i never said what you suggested in previous posts was wrong.. i am open to views...i value responses given by everyone including yours.....but this absurd off-topic post of yours was a disappointment nevertheless..why would you put such an effort on writing 11 points such as these??

I layed out all the relevant information in my posts.....