OK herez the story. And I want some sensible advice
I’m the only son, living with my parents, they’re both old and my sisters are all married n Therez this girl, I worked with like 2 years ago for a few months. There was nothing between us back then. Just a lot of respect and we were on friendly terms but nothing more than that. Khair later on, we met again and we got involved into each other.
I’ve always wanted an arranged marriage, so initially I thought it would be best not to tell my mom that we’re involved and make it look like an arranged one. Shouldn’ve have tried to be a smart a$$. My mom had some kind of idea that I like her. and ofcourse she didn’t like her at all 
Before sending the rishta to her place, I was so sure that she’d like her. and even if she doesn’t, she’d respect my opinion. As for her parents, they have no problem with me.
initially my mom showed such a strong reaction that she doesn’t like her and all that. I went into depression. She saw my condition and sort of agreed. her heart is still not into it but she’d do it for my sake.
But I have this concern about my future with that girl. I mean I don’t want to be sandwiched between my mom and my wife. This girl is like very caring and very well behaved and I have no concerns regarding her. I don’t want them to have any problems betweent hem. They both mean so much to me. Leaving my parents is NOT an option. I love them too and they’re my responsibility. they’ve done so much for me that I can’t ever repay them. And I don’t want to laeve this girl either. She knows about the problems I’m facing at home and she too is worried.
and for this reason, we’re both getting confused as to what to do.
I love her and ofcourse want to marry her
I don’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings, she feels insecure and all and I’m reassuring her all the time
and most important of all, I dont’ want ke I marry her and then that girl suffers because of me if God forbid, my mom doesn’t accept her dil se
so what should I do
P.S. ‘istikhara’ on both sides are fine
Re: pasand ki shadi n mums
So long as your mother and wife are not abusive to one another, you don’t need to worry. Rest is normal. Can’t make your mom accept her with “dil se”, unfortunately.
So what should you do: get married and join the rest of desi men and women here. 
You’re such a good son! And I’m sure you’ll make a good husband to. I say go for it! Your mom is giving you the go signal, and you’re doing a good job reassuring her.
But I want to tell you a secret. I have three brothers and one is married. Moms who have sons BIGGEST concern is that you’ll get so caught up with your wife that you’ll forget about Mom and abandon her----or move far far away cause your wife wanted to. So it’s good that you’re reassuring her, but even better would be if you girl could talk to your mom-PRIVATLY. This is what she should say:
“You have done such a great job raising your son, and your son respects and cares about you so much and I will try try my best to the best daughter in law for you, because I know it would make your son very very happy. I just want to reassure you that we plan on staying as close to as possible with you, and I hope you are okay with me marrying you son.”
or something to that extent. Your mom will love her to death then. Either way make sure YOUR GIRL is reassuring your mom, not just you (your mom already knows your the best little boy, who would do anything possible for the mom- she needs reassurance that your girl won’t brainwash you and dump your parents).
And don't expect that there won't be any saas-bahoo drama after your married-->it's normal to have some even in the most loving household. So it's normal as long as it doesn't become WWIII. it's like siblings fighting with each other- it's normal as long as it's not excessive, and they patch things up soon after.
Re: pasand ki shadi n mums
please do watch drama Doraha before getting married:)i m not j/king.
Re: pasand ki shadi n mums
Ok...lemme clear something out for you. There will be some sort of saas bahu drama or problems regardless of if you marry this girl or another. The best you can do is marry this girl that you like and still give time to your mom like you do now. SOmetimes mothers get clingy to their sons when the bahu comes just because they are insecure. Once she sees how well behaved this girl is with you and with her and how caring, she hopefully will change her opinion. The girl might have to be patient during this time.
Can you also present this dilemma to your mother? Tell her of the good qualities you see in the girl and ensure your mom you want to marry someone who will care for the parents as well?
Re: pasand ki shadi n mums
im always amazed at how similar topics are opened one right after hte other. Just an observation.
You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I knwo this is not hte most Pc-thing to say, but since you are not married and if you absolutely HAVE to choose, I'd say side with the mother. (you dont have the luxury of this decision after shadi). Plus, your mom seems like she is considerate and all...after all she agreed to the rishta b/c of you. most guys aren't that lucky.
G'luck buddy :D
Sac,
You mom is not stopping you from marrying this girl. SO marry her. You have to understand that even if you were to marry a girl that was chosen by your mom....there would still be arguments between your mom and her chosen bahu after marriage. Arguments will take place between your mom and any girl that you marry. They are a natural part of any relationship.
Your mom, like most moms, probably feels jealous/insecure that this girl is going to take you away from her. She's afraid you'll be so mesmerized by your wife that you won't pay attention to her. So, talk to your mom. Tell her that a mother and wife are two different relationships and once cannot replace the other. Praise your mom, let her know that you appreciate her and love her and you're not going to leave her or forget about her. Tell her why you think this girl would make a great addition to this family. She's an addition, not a replacement. Talk to the girl about this and after marriage, she and your mom should spend time bonding so that your mom will hopefully feel more comfortable.
You can't run away from relationships because you're afraid of hurting/offending someone......even if that someone is ur mom. And you can't stay single for the rest of your life because you're afraid ur mom won't get along with your future wife (whoever that may be)........because no relationship is perfect......ALL saas-bahu relationships will have their ups and downs.
I have a story to tell you that might make you feel better. I know this guy who never finished college. But he has a computer related job. He fell for this girl and was so adamant about marrying her. At first his mom and his whole entire maternal family (khalas, etc) thought he was crazy. You have no idea how much they criticized the girl. They thought she was unattractive, too skinny, abnormal, manipulative, that her family was strange, etc!!!!!! They viciously picked the girl apart before the guy even got engaged. All this criticizing made me so curious about the girl that I wanted to see her. And when I did........I thought she was so sweet and attractive......there was nothing wrong with her at all!
The guy's parents didn't want him to get married because they were concerned about him not being stable career wise and also because they felt that the girl just trapped their son because he comes from a rich family. Eventually the mother surrendered to her son's wishes cuz she didn't want to lose him. The mother even enjoyed doing the wedding shopping for the girl. And after they got married, the mom realized how nice and smart the girl is. She started liking her, they BONDED! She found that girl is not this wicked money-hungry girl trying to steal her son away from her. And that's because the girl makes the effort to bond with her mother-in-law instead of staying glued to her hubby the whole time. It's funny how all crazy ideas the mom had about the girl disappeared and now they both have a stronger understanding and relationship with each other.
It doesn't matter if you marry this girl or another girl or some girl that your mom chooses. Your marriage will not always be a bed or roses and your wife and mom wil NOT ALWAYS get along. There will always be phases of ups and downs. So, go for it, Sac. Marry the girl of your dreams!
Re: pasand ki shadi n mums
^^^ ab marta kia na kerta
I didn’t know where to go for all this desi home made advice 
So here I am, deep in the ‘life1’ forum , asking for it
and the masla is that the kuri is pretty nazuk jai. Not the larai jhagra type. and if my moms gets a bit harsh wid her, I’d be really like a kabab in a sandwich … on one side , there would be my mom and on the other side, she’d be crying 
We’re already discussing these kinda scenarios and lets just say, i’m not having the best of times
I’m continously reassuring my mom. Shez too insecure.
A lil drama at home do wonders wesay. two days in a row, i was stuffing myself up while I was at work. And when I got home, I’d be like , I don’t feel like eating, I’d vomit it out. ( it was true too )
and My ami abu were like, beta don’t be so worried, ham wohi karein ge jo ap chaho gey
They are so cute and I don’t know what they did to deserve a dramay baz like me
prayers needed ppl
I sincerely blv that dua can change everything
And that's because the girl makes the effort to bond with her mother-in-law instead of staying glued to her hubby the whole time.
TOO all the girls out there: I CANT TELL YOU HOW IMPT THIS IS. My brother has been married for two yrs now, and this was a major issue with my SIL. I've known since she was a baby, but she NEVER made an effort first to bond with my mom. It was so annoying. It was always my mom who had to make the effort. Like, she never initiated conversaiton with my mom, and there was and still is a lot of awkward silences, cuz convos go two way, you know. She's getting a teeny bit better. Otherwise she's a sweetheart, like with me and her friends she'll be fine- but with my mom and dad she would get so annoyingly quiet.
It's very important that you make an effort to erase the insecuriites of your future MIL, and make her feel as comfortable as possible with you.
Sac,
i was thinking that maybe one reason why your mom is upset is because you lied to her. See, you were being SNEAKY and tried to show your mom that this is an "arranged rishta" instead of telling her that you ALREADY knew the girl from BEFORE and that you are IN LOVE WITH her.
Other than feeling insecure, your mom might still be miffed at the thought that you deceived her because of this girl. And she might think, if he can lie to me for this girl, than tomorrow he might even leave me for her (you know that jealousy/insecure feelings that moms get). So, if your mom is still mad at you for that, then apologize to her for the trick you played and explain why u did it. MAYBE that MIGHT make your mom relax and soften a little bit.
Re: pasand ki shadi n mums
Thank you Redvelvet
that really helped 
you’re right about the things you’ve said. Wish my story turns that way as well. Cuz so far, all I hear is that ‘we thought you were so wise’
Do you guys think that it would be a good idea if my girl meets mom, like a casual meeting ? my home or s omewhere outside
I just want them to get to know each other better and the kind of girl she is, if my mom just thinks without a bais for even a moment, she’d start liking her. Obviously, her son didn’t fell for nothing 
Yeah, this actually is one of teh factors. you know, I’ve never lied to my mom. Or atleast, I never got caught But, while we were going to their place, I thought shez gonna like her too. There was hardly a single percent chance of NO from our side :S
I was talking to my mom and I told her that sometimes I think that even if I get married to the girl of her choice and then obviously get affiliated with her, won’t she still feel the same ? told her that I thought that she might be harsh with the girl of her own choice and she said…
yes…but that would happen after atleast 3 months
I so desperately want a peaceful home. I’m the only son and I’ve always tried to be there for my parents, always! They’ve never had any complaints. I never asked for anything.
I think its the clash of expectations, I was expecting too much from my mom and mom was expecting too much from me :S
Clearly it seems as though your mom is feeling a bit insecure which I can understand. I don't necessarily think the problem is the girl you like, I think it's just the fact that you were somewhat sneaky about the whole process. This probably makes your mom feel as though, your not even married yet but already doing things behind her back and hiding things from her because of this girl so she's probably a bit unsure as to where she will stand after you get married. As mentioned by other posters, you need to convince your mom that she will always have a special and unique place in your life which no one can replace. It would also be extremely helpful if the girl you like made an effort to bond with your mother, hence this will convince your mom that the girl really is as awesome as you say she is :) Best of luck. Hope it all works out for you.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL…I agree!!! I know that cold shoulders and drama can be OVERDONE to the point of causing more **harm **than good…BUT SOMETIMES (although it’s devious) a little drama/a cold shoulder and acting depressed can work! 
You know, Sac, I think that would be a good idea. Why don’t you take your mom and your lady love out for lunch or something? I hope that your mom agrees to this lunch/meeting. AND DON"T BE SNEAKY THIS TIME. TELL YOUR MOM BEFORE HAND THAT THE GIRL IS COMING. AND ALSO TELL YOUR GIRL THAT DURING THIS MEETING, SHE SHOULD CONCENTRATE MORE ON YOUR MOM THAN ON YOU. SHE NEEDS TO BOND WITH YOUR MOM. And your role should be that of a facilitator. Facilitate the bonding. You can start topics that your mom and girl can both relate to and talk about. And this may be a SUPER CORNY example, but maybe your girl can start off the conversation by saying, "I’ve been looking forward to meeting you aunti, Sac has told me so many wonderful things about. Trust me, he can go on and on about your cooking, how understanding you are, bla bla bla bla bla bla. Finally I get to meet the person who’s influenced him the most in life."
Thora sa makhan lagao 
. BUT don’t overdo it.
Or you can invite the girl to your house and your girl can say the same comments I wrote above, and she can compliment your mom’s cooking and designing of the house, and she can help your mom in the kitchen. The only thing I’m not sure about is whether or not it would be appropriate for a girl to come to your house without her parents in desi culture. I feel like it would be frowned upon culturally. A lunch seems more causal and appropriate to me. It would be interesting to get the views of other fellow guppies.
Re: pasand ki shadi n mums
Here is my opinion on the matter...
Your mother obviously loves you so much and so does this girl. You love both of them. You have to reassure both that nothing will happen to your relationship with either one. If I was in your shoes, I would paint a picture in your mother's mind regardng your fiance.
My mother is the saaaaaaaaaaaame way. And Im not a boy. Im a girl...one of four girls. My parents are extremely sensitive to this idea that one day all of their girls will be gone and no one will be there to take care of them because they dont have sons. Mashallah, my fiance is a really caring guy and reassures them all the time too but what I do is talk to them and let them know that he is not a threat to their future. Im not gong anywhere and will not vanish into thin air because Im married. I tell them about the wonderful things he wants to do for them and always take my mom with me when we go out. That way, she doesnt feel like she isnt being taken care of.
Ive incorporated him into their lives in a very positive way...so he knows he has to be there for my parents too and my parents know he is a good man.
Re: pasand ki shadi n mums
naheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 
dhokay baaz 
Re: pasand ki shadi n mums
Re: pasand ki shadi n mums
you said istikara is fine on both sides? well then if it’s fine then go for it :k: