im going to be 23 years old.I have had an official rishta from distant family.however , I don’t want to get married right now and want to train towards my career. I was planning on getting married around 25/26 ish. this rishta is okay but I don’t think we have much in common. My parents have been scaring me that I may not get another rishta forever and the next one is going to be a worse one and at least with his guy we know his family. so they are pressurising me to say yes due to fear of not finding another person.
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
You should ask your parents why they think you’ll never get another rishta.. do they think you’re that terrible or desperate?
You shouldn’t allow yourself to be pushed into a marriage you don’t want.. And no, you should’t be worried at 22.. Try and have more confidence in yourself..
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
The morosely funny thing is that we hatch and nurse all these plans in our heads about how we'll get married at a certain age (in your case, 25-26) and to such n such a person and they don't always materialize. Like they say, "Man proposes, but God disposes."
Your parents' approach isn't right. Tell them araam se that accepting a rishta should come from the heart and not from threats or fear or pressure. You do not mention where this guy lives.
Now, do you really truly feel that you have very little in common with this guy or are perhaps your feelings of doubt closing your mind in getting to know him? Yes, I'm playing the devil's advocate here and trying to look at the situation from all angles. Maybe if you keep an open mind, you'll find that you two do share common ground and perhaps he'll be supportive of you pursuing your career goals post-marriage. If you feel uncertain about him, you can tell your parents that you need more time to get to know him but that it shouldn't be seen as a guarantee of acceptance. And if you two should find each other mutually compatible, you can even negotiate a prolonged engagement as opposed to a quick shadi. So, there are ways to maneuver around this.
However, if you are absolutely and undoubtedly certain that you don't want to marry him then remain respectfully firm upon your decision. Key word: respectfully. And I admit it is hard to keep your cool, but not doing so will only increase tensions at home. Do you have siblings or trusted relatives that try to convince your parents on your behalf? If you are in contact with this guy, then respectfully let him know that you don't feel compatible with him. That way, hopefully, he'll also tell his parents that it's a no-go and back out from the rishta.
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
I have a couple of cousins in Pakistan who are 30-35 and not married yet and one here (UK) who is 29 but isn’t getting good rishtas. So my parents just fear the worst. I don’t know if this is true but my mum said you get three rishta from Allah and if you say no then you have to wait a long time. When I was 18 i already got two rishta from our village in Pakistan. So this is my third and apparently last lol
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
The question should be why not this rishta. If there are genuine reasons then fine please say no. However don't say no to a good rishta just cuz you wanted to marry a year or so later. Usually and unfortunately, it does become increasingly difficult for girls every day after 24.
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
I have a couple of cousins in Pakistan who are 30-35 and not married yet and one here (UK) who is 29 but isn't getting good rishtas. So my parents just fear the worst. I don't know if this is true but my mum said you get three rishta from Allah and if you say no then you have to wait a long time. When I was 18 i already got two rishta from our village in Pakistan. So this is my third and apparently last lol
lol.. I'm sorry but are you serious about this? This sounds very silly.
Anyway in regards to the rishta; How do you find him?
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
I have a couple of cousins in Pakistan who are 30-35 and not married yet and one here (UK) who is 29 but isn't getting good rishtas. So my parents just fear the worst. I don't know if this is true but my mum said you get three rishta from Allah and if you say no then you have to wait a long time. When I was 18 i already got two rishta from our village in Pakistan. So this is my third and apparently last lol
lol.. I'm sorry but are you serious about this? This sounds very silly.
Anyway in regards to the rishta; How do you find him?
I have heard this logic too, lol. God knows where it originated from.
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
You are JUST 22 so I dont think you should be in a rush to get married right now just because your parents think that you might not a get a good rishta after this.
However, if they guy is good, then you might as well consider him. Look at the ground realities. Why are so many of your cousins still unmarried? Maybe its because your family isnt that social, and finding rishtas is actually hard, so maybe your parents' fears arent unwarranted.
I personally feel you shouldnt marry until you click with someone. But thats just me. Most people dont think like that lol.
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
I have heard this logic too, lol. God knows where it originated from.
It originates from the laug in our society. There are many, many, many educated and confident and highly professional women that are in their late twenties and even thirties that are single. As crazy as we find our parents to be, they're not pulling their fears out of thin air. Their worries are based on what they see around them. Ultimately shadi will happen only if Allah has even destined it for a person and it'll happen at the time He's written and to the person He's written. But because we don't know what is written in our naseeb, we have to keep trying and our efforts have to factor in sad realities and trends of Desi society.
Op speaks of the village. Some questions that come to mind are: Is this recent proposal also from a village? While she's grown up in the UK, is the guy even educated? Is there a huge disparity between her personality and his? Is she okay with marrying a cousin? She wants to get married at 25-26. There is not a huge time difference between 23 and 25. If she feels that she still doesn't know him that well, then ask parents for more time to figure him out. If she finds they click, then make rishta official in some manner but hold off on shadi for some time. And again, if she is sooo sure she can't marry him, then stand your ground and let guy know too. Ideally he should then back out, but if he and his parents persist then I question the motives (visa?). If Op has valid concerns about this guy, then share then with her parents instead of giving vague answers.
To address Op's question 'should I be worried?:-
Don't be worried, but be practical and sensible. Your parents will continue to worry about you and hound you until the day you get hitched; that's only natural. But don't reject good rishtas left, right, and center only because of 'career training' and because somehow you think 25 is a magic number for marital readiness. One can be engaged and do training. One can continue career goals after marriage. It doesn't have to be black-and-white-pick-only-one-path ordeal; it does not have to be this limited.
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
It originates from the laug in our society. There are many, many, many educated and confident and highly professional women that are in their late twenties and even thirties that are single. As crazy as we find our parents to be, they're not pulling their fears out of thin air. Their worries are based on what they see around them. Ultimately shadi will happen only if Allah has even destined it for a person and it'll happen at the time He's written and to the person He's written. But because we don't know what is written in our naseeb, we have to keep trying and our efforts have to factor in sad realities and trends of Desi society.
Op speaks of the village. Some questions that come to mind are: Is this recent proposal also from a village? While she's grown up in the UK, is the guy even educated? Is there a huge disparity between her personality and his? Is she okay with marrying a cousin? She wants to get married at 25-26. There is not a huge time difference between 23 and 25. If she feels that she still doesn't know him that well, then ask parents for more time to figure him out. If she finds they click, then make rishta official in so,e manner but hold off on shadi for some time. And again, if she is sooo sure she can't marry him, then stand your ground and let guy know too. Ideally he should then back out, but if he and his parents persist then I question the motives (visa?) behind that persistence. If Op has valid concerns about this guy, then share then with her parents instead of giving vague answers.
I know parents' fears are valid. It DOES become difficult for girls to get a rishta after a certain age. But what if you had 3, or even 6 rishtas which you dont like one bit? Are you supposed to say yes to a distant cousin who you know is very good in every aspect (nice, shareef, well educated, earning well) but you just dont like him that way, despite knowing he is a gem of a guy.
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
I know parents' fears are valid. It DOES become difficult for girls to get a rishta after a certain age. But what if you had 3, or even 6 rishtas which you dont like one bit? Are you supposed to say yes to a distant cousin who you know is very good in every aspect (nice, shareef, well educated, earning well) but you just dont like him that way, despite knowing he is a gem of a guy.
Marriage is so confusing.
I dunno. You don't know someone until you start living with them. If he's nice, shareef, educated, earns well, and also a "gem," then that's a pretty good foundation. Physical attraction is complex. Some folks can look past certain physical features and others can't. It's important to put your best effort. Because then at least you can say to yourself that I tried my best and kept an open mind and it wasn't meant to be as opposed to finding yourself at an older age and wondering if maybe you made the mistake of being too picky or too lax or frivolous. And do istikhara but don't obsess over dreams and omens; just look at the final outcome of events. If rishta is good for you, it will materialize. If it's not good for you, Allah will remove it from your path. We Desis have mucked up istikhara process too.
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
reality is its near impossible to find good rishtas especially if girls are highly educated. nowdays girls are educated but boys are less educated.
in my family all girls are highly educated and finding a good rishta is near impossible as when looking for rishta everyone wants decent looking, g8 family, education, money and unless you compromise on any of it you cant find.
my very beautiful, highly educated, rich cousin got married to a guy far less than what she has to offer. but after years of search they accepted the rishta as with time her age started to cause problems and she is only 28.
my other cousin got marroied to a guy with very little education but as he is rich and carries himself well, is good looking stylish, one cant tell that he is not educated. her dad wasnt happy initially as she is educated but than had to accept proposal as there are not many choices available.
sometime its better to accept what you get easily than accept someone far less after searching and searching.
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
I have a couple of cousins in Pakistan who are 30-35 and not married yet and one here (UK) who is 29 but isn't getting good rishtas. So my parents just fear the worst. I don't know if this is true but my mum said you get three rishta from Allah and if you say no then you have to wait a long time. When I was 18 i already got two rishta from our village in Pakistan. So this is my third and apparently last lol
Seems that Elizabeth Taylor's mom didn't tell her about it.
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
Is getting engaged an option? Would not say a 2 yr engagement is particularly long, or uncommon. You can buy more time this way. And if the rishta is good , why let it go?
23, too old? Although I understand where this thinking comes from, I'd say it is not right.23, is not old. Maybe saying no to a good proposal is not the wisest thing to do, but should only accept, if you really feel that there is some compatibility. Or else , if you keep looking you will meet more people.
A good rishta to an extend is usually subjective, you know what your looking for and what the chances of finding it later on are. Where there are people who chose to get married early 20's, there are also those people who find their life partners later on in life. Yes, with increasing time finding a good rishta does become a little more difficult , but it happens. Getting married later on in life, is also becoming increasingly common. Marriage, is all up to Allah. Ask for Allahs guidance. Its best to do istikahara, and if this rishta is really good and you're not ready for the commitment of marriage right now , maybe discuss the possibility of having an engagement period with your parents?
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
It originates from the laug in our society. There are many, many, many educated and confident and highly professional women that are in their late twenties and even thirties that are single. As crazy as we find our parents to be, they're not pulling their fears out of thin air. Their worries are based on what they see around them. Ultimately shadi will happen only if Allah has even destined it for a person and it'll happen at the time He's written and to the person He's written. But because we don't know what is written in our naseeb, we have to keep trying and our efforts have to factor in sad realities and trends of Desi society.
Op speaks of the village. Some questions that come to mind are: Is this recent proposal also from a village? While she's grown up in the UK, is the guy even educated? Is there a huge disparity between her personality and his? Is she okay with marrying a cousin? She wants to get married at 25-26. There is not a huge time difference between 23 and 25. If she feels that she still doesn't know him that well, then ask parents for more time to figure him out. If she finds they click, then make rishta official in some manner but hold off on shadi for some time. And again, if she is sooo sure she can't marry him, then stand your ground and let guy know too. Ideally he should then back out, but if he and his parents persist then I question the motives (visa?). If Op has valid concerns about this guy, then share then with her parents instead of giving vague answers.
To address Op's question 'should I be worried?:-
Don't be worried, but be practical and sensible. Your parents will continue to worry about you and hound you until the day you get hitched; that's only natural. But don't reject good rishtas left, right, and center only because of 'career training' and because somehow you think 25 is a magic number for marital readiness. One can be engaged and do training. One can continue career goals after marriage. It doesn't have to be black-and-white-pick-only-one-path ordeal; it does not have to be this limited.
No this guy is also from the UK. He left school after GCSE and started in his dad's business. I'm looking to do masters and enter a graduate profession. I just feel that the education gap is big. Although , his parents say if he is earning good money why should you care for his education. I don't really know but for me money isn't everything. I wanted to marry someone who shares the same interest etc.
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
You are JUST 22 so I dont think you should be in a rush to get married right now just because your parents think that you might not a get a good rishta after this.
However, if they guy is good, then you might as well consider him. Look at the ground realities. Why are so many of your cousins still unmarried? Maybe its because your family isnt that social, and finding rishtas is actually hard, so maybe your parents' fears arent unwarranted.
I personally feel you shouldnt marry until you click with someone. But thats just me. Most people dont think like that lol.
yeah. I haven't actually seen the guy since I was 14. I have forgotten what he looks like and I don't know what his personality is. He has left the decision of finding a wife to his parents. He said hes 100% sure his parents will make the right decision So its kind of awkward on part of my parents to say let see pics. Although, they are going to share pics etc but after I've agreed.
Re: Parents want me to say yes to a rishta because they think I might not get another
No this guy is also from the UK. He left school after GCSE and started in his dad's business. I'm looking to do masters and enter a graduate profession. I just feel that the education gap is big. Although , his parents say if he is earning good money why should you care for his education. I don't really know but for me money isn't everything. I wanted to marry someone who shares the same interest etc.
So he doesn't even have A-levels?
I would run in the other direction.. To me GCSEs and A-levels are** basic** education.. Sounds like he pulled out of school at the earliest opportunity possible..
If his parents are saying things like this I wouldn't be very confident about how they view your education and goals either..
