Parents v/s The In-laws

Lifestyle Relationships
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.. done alot of thinking , cant come to a conclusion whilst trying to help a close friend.. so will genuinely value your input .. :hugz:

Farida and danish work in Abudhabi in the same company. Danish’s parents are in pakistan while farida’s are in Abudhabi (UAE ). Danish’s dad called farida’s parents and requested that they meet up on their next visit to Pakistan.

Once in Pakistan, Farida’s parents invited them at their place, all went positive.. next day they invited farida and her parents over at their place. Farida’s parents went expecting that they would give farida a token of acceptance like a ring or some money or even sir per hath rakhey gai or will say things like aaj sai she is our daughter etc etc , anything that would indicate that the rishta is pakka… but the flip was that the meeting ended casually , they didnt say anything… her parents still gave them some gifts and mithai they had bought for them from abudhabi .. danish’s parents hadnt expected the gifts .. they made another visit the same evening to farida’s parents and dropped a few gifts for her. ( farida’s mom wasnt very happy with the quality of the gifts coz she felt that they had gifted a very mediocre makeup kit and a mediocre suit )

Next day her parents kept waiting for their call, and by the end of the day started getting very restless that their visit to pakistan was a flop and they shouldnt have come to pakistan etc etc .. come next day and danish’s father called and formally accepted the proposal.

since then, both parents were in touch occasionally.. few months later farida’s parents asked for shadi ki date.. D’s dad said they were waiting for their daughter’s inlaws to give them a date so both his son and daughter would get married respectively one after the other. Farida’s dad called a few times like almost every other week humbly asking for the date,telling them that he wont be able to get holiday booked from work at a short notice so he needs 4 months notice in advance, danish’s dad was genuinely trying to get a date from his daughter’s inlaws ..

apparently he felt so pressured that when farida’s dad called again and again he became quite rude and said we cant give you a date until we have our daughters date and a few other things .. in short his tone was next to screaming . Naturally farida’s dad felt very insulted but he still remained respectful and didnt call them for a few months.

Three months passed , danish became ill, was alone in the country, suddenly his parents felt the need for his wife and called farida’s parents up to say if they can do the nikkah in three weeks time .. but her parents said they couldnt make the arrangements in that short a notice. months passed by…

The date is now finalized and they will be getting married next month. but her parents are not happy with D’s parents. They are happy with Danish but keep repeating all of the above things to her again and again and when she tries to neutralize the situation they say that she has ditchd her parents and is taking her in-laws side. they also tell her that through their behaviour her in-laws have shown that they have no respect for her or her family. they didnt give her any token at the time of the rishta, didnt say any words like she is our daughter etc and spoke to them harshly etc …

its worth mentioning here that D’s parents sent farida eidi from pakistan (clothes, purse, bangles etc ) .. and keep in touch with her every few weeks.

she has no issues with them .. but is now most confused then ever knowing how her parents feel . she gave them the choice that if you are not happy please refuse the family. but fairda’s parents say if she was younger they would have done so and found some other family but she is 31 and thy cant afford to refuse them.

I dont know who is right and who is not in this situation .. and how she should behave with either parties … any suggestion? :hmmm:

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Farida is spending her life with Danish…and his character is what matters most, right? Although, yes it is understandable that she wants to maintain a positive relationship with both sides.

When neutralizing an argument, you start of by complimenting/praising…then acknowledging…and then bringing up areas of improvement/opposing views.

So…when it comes to dealing with her parents, Farida needs to sit them down and start the discussion first by praising them and acknowledging their hurt feelings. For example, she can say…**“Mom, Dad…I love you both very much. You both have done so much for me that I could never dream of replacing either of you with anyone else. If i did not love you both soo much or valued your opinion…then I would have never asked you both to consider cancelling the rishta. In spite of the fact that I’m 31…I left the decision of this rishta to you both because I love you more than anyone. And I acknowledge that Danish’s dad’s rude behavior. And I understand that you both were hurt by the tone of his voice. And I agree that his father could have spoken more calmly. But I also know that you both have raised me to be tolerant, understanding, and forgiving of others. We all make mistakes. We all let our problems get the better of us. We all sometimes have an attitude with others. In spite of what has happened in the past…let’s look toward the future. Let’s be proper Muslims and forgive the mistakes of others because we’re not perfect ourselves. And let’s look at the positve that his parents are doing…they have sent Eidi…the have asked for a wedding date. If they did not want me as their daughter-in-law…they would have rejected us all together. And most importantly…Danish is a good person…and has shown you that he’s a good son-in-law. I’m 31 years old…please let’s try to move past this. I’m only going to be living with you both for a few months and then I will be gone…let’s create happy memories while I’m still living here with both my parents.”
**

I apologize for the length. But you asked how she can diffuse the situation…and I feel that she can try to diffuse it by acknowledging both sides of the problem.

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Re: Parents v/s The In-laws

RV, you were on person i definitely wanted to hear from , thanks so much , and dont worry about the length of the post , mine is worse :cb:

I totally totally totally agree the way that you have suggested to diffuse the situation, one problem though… she has already had over 100 disagreements with her parents over the span of 12 months ! and things got nasty between them .. they talked a few times about moving on .. but somehow everytime a small thing happens and the matter blows out of proportion and they pull back things from the past and feel like they arent being respected by her inlaws ..

Now I am definitely going to have her read this thread and your suggestion. but tell me RV , when already there have been tensed and angry discussions between her and parents would the above still have any affect on them?

Firstly I dont understand who is at fault, her parents or her inlaws?

she is very sensitive and her parents keep telling her , our job is to get you married after that you dont have to visit us or see us do what you want etc .. and today she cried for 4 hours nonstop while telling me this!

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Re: Parents v/s The In-laws

One more thing, she asked me today , she hardly tells danish how her parents are feeling, coz a few times she did talk to him and it ended in their own relationship getting stressed and they both decided that perhaps things will be better after the wedding... but he did feel that farida's parents were a push...

now she is asking me if she should involve him at all just to let him know whats going on or should she just keep quiet and hope that things WILL get better after the wedding?

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Re: Parents v/s The In-laws

Maybe your friend's parents are hard to please? When they didn't get any mithai or ring for your friend maybe that's not how a proposal is accepted in their family. Maybe they're simple people? Also, your friend's mom wasn't happy at the quality of the outfit or makeup....why does that matter? Maybe that's what was in their means. The guy's parents gave the proposal two days later after the meeting. That seems pretty normal...why were her parents so 'restless' the day after?? Such things take time and each family needs to be given time and space. It's not as if they took two months to respond.

And when the guy's parents had made it clear that they were waiting to hear from their daughter's in-laws, why did your friend's dad keep calling? It is rather irritating...I mean were they really eager to get your friend married? I am sure the guy's family was trying hard to fix date but they had to depend on their daughter's in-laws. It's not as if they did it intentionally.

Based on what you've posted, I feel your friend's parents are over reacting to everything and it's rather hurtful to tell your daughter that we aren't happy with this rishta, but you're 31 so we'll just accept it....just coz she is 31 and no longer 22, they are settling for whatever is there? Your friend is very happy with her fiance and her in-laws did send her gifts every now and then. Her parens should put aside their ego and think of their daughter's happiness especially when the guy's parents really didn't do anything explicitly disrespectful.

Just my two cents!

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Hey CB,

I know this girl who was getting married and was soon going to be moving to another country. She was very close to her younger sister. And after the wedding…when she was preparing to leave Pakistan to unite with her hubby…the sister started an argument with her. Why? Because she was afraid of letting her go. And for some, it’s a lot easier to instigate a heated argument…then to accept that someone will be leaving soon.

Sometimes parents get emotional (in an angry way) because they are afraid of losing their daughter. It’s a new chapter in their life as well. After all, she’s been with them for 31 years. It’s normal for them to be scared, defensive, over-protective.

Will the above advice help her? Well…it might help her. Especially if her method of discussion focuses on being defensive, emotional, and angry. Family discussions are tricky, lol. I’m a teacher and I’ve had to deal with tough defensive parents who don’t want to believe that their child is less than perfect or angelic. But conferencing is a part of being a teacher. And they advise teachers to always start with the positive, acknowledge the other person’s feelings, and then proceed to look at areas of concern. Often times…when we’re angry we just start rambling off with **“you did this” **and “you did that” and **“why are you being so sensitive” “what the hell is your problem?” “why can’t you let me live in peace?” “why can’t you be happy for me?”. ** See what I mean? It mostly becomes a blame game. To diffuse situations and neutralize them…you start it off in a calm and positive way.

Whose fault is it? Well, relationships are a **two way **street. And both parties can be guilty. For example, some people have **THE WORST **taste in gifts. I’m not kidding here. Some people will buy the most expensive BUT UGLIEST thing. And others will be more economical and buy the UGLIEST thing. LOL. People can simply have poor taste. The girls’ parents need to understand that maybe Danish’s parents are just not the best gift givers. And Farida’s parents need to set their priorities straight. **Whose gifts matter most? **The in-laws? Or Danish’s? Well, the answer is Danish. If the girl is happy with what Danish gives her in the relationship…then that’s what matters most. And yes, Danish’s dad could learn patience. And maybe it would have helped if he explained why he needed to wait for his daugther’s in-laws to set a wedding date first. And maybe his parents are not the best with socializing skills (some people are just clueless). And maybe things are done differently in Pakistan then in the Middle east…culture varies. Farida needs to think of all these points.

Also, Farida needs to learn a little bit about tolerance. She doesn’t have to respond to every little snarky comment made by her parents does she? She always has the option of overlooking the comments…in one ear/out the other. She has to have some self-control as well and in order to maintain the peace…she should try changing the subject sometimes. If she turns every comment into a full-fledged battle, she will be a nervous wreck by the time the wedding rolls around. And she needs to understand that tolerance is a huge part of marriage and dealing with in-laws…so get used to it now.

Hmmmm…has she tried flattery? Perhaps she can try telling her mom about a postive comment that Danish’s mom made about her. For example, “Mom, I was speaking to Danish and he said that his mom absolutely loved your cooking.” See, what I mean? And when both parents meet…Farida can try to be a facilitator of goodwill. For example…Farida can praise her both sets of parents in the company of each other. And she can even try to start topics of mutual interest that would connect both parties to each other.

Her parents might be picky and hard to please…but it’s hard for them to give away a daughter they’ve been with for 31 years. Fear can bring about negative attitudes. They say that even the root cause of hatred is fear.

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Re: Parents v/s The In-laws

at the moment all this will seem like big issues. theres not a single family i know that has gone thru the wedding prep that hasnt felt ignored or insulted and thats because two families come together for a big celebration so everyone wants to do things their way. D's father told F's parents why they couldnt set the date but it was also wrong for him to keep prolonging this for months.

There were minor issues during my wedding prep also which were brought up on numerous occasions but after the wedding no one even remembers any of the problems. I think its a normal process and it's extremely important to see how the fiance reacts thru out all of this. Neither Danish nor his father insulted F's parents because he had a valid enough reason to prolong the date setting even though I can understand why her father feels insulted. As long as Danish is good to farida and her family it shouldnt be a big deal.

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Re: Parents v/s The In-laws

August , you said my thoughts buddy .. thats exactly what i have been telling her for the past year .. and she does agree that her parents are over reacting for all the things that you mentioned ... but her relatioship with her parents is constantly going downhill...

she is the eldest daughter and they dont have a brother who might remain with the parents after the girls are married .. so she is fearing so bad tht if things get bad and her parents tell her to buzz off .. then she will not be able to forgive herself for ditching them in their old age ...

its all ego .. she herself needs some serious support now but is feeling all left out... horrible situation to be in ..

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Re: Parents v/s The In-laws

^ It's more than just ego.......CB. It's ego combined with the fear of letting go. And that is an UGLY combination.

Farida....has to adopt patience here. Not every comment needs to be turned into a battle. And try the flattery strategy above....it might work, lol :) Sometimes a little facilitating/game-playing is necessary ;)

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Re: Parents v/s The In-laws

RV and Sumorani , you guys have really really helped me tremendously with your feedback ... spot on I must say and inshallah i will be passing this on to farida ..

A very important thing I just learnt from RV, that farida needs to be more tolerant ... coz I believe she has been very defensive in her conversations with her parents , certainly change of strategy will help.

A very important thing I learnt from Sumorani, things happen as the wedding prep tention builds up and all should settle down after the wedding ...

Sumo, when the stress built up before your wedding , was your husband kept aware of the situation all along and did you guys discuss the stress? Farida gets stressed thinking if she doesnt tell D , he will never get a chance to make the extra efort to please her parents , but if she does tell him, he might feel awkward at the drama and negative feelings ...

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Re: Parents v/s The In-laws

^ I don't think it's the fear of letting go....if it was, then since they aren't happy with D's parents, they could have easily said no. Plus, aren't they settling in Abu Dhabi anyways after the wedding? So I am sure their daughter will be close by once she is married. I think F should just pacify her parents till the wedding. Everything will be fine after the wedding. F and D can constantly visit her parents and show them how much they care. I am sure her parents will be perfectly fine after the wedding when they see how happy their daughter is. Oh and if/when a grandchild comes, you win the parents over hands down! :)

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Re: Parents v/s The In-laws

I also realized another thing, CB. Add another emotion to the combo I listed above. Farida's parents are displaying a subconscious combo of EGO, FEAR OF LETTING GO, and......drum roll..........JEALOUSY.

I realized.........that isn't that what often times a guy's mother does? She becomes jealous/insecure that the new bride/girl/bahu/DIL will steal her son away. She feels threatened that this newcomer will take her precious boy away from mommy. So what does she do? She picks apart the daughter-in-law. And in her mind..........nothing the dauther-in-law does is good enough. She over-analyzes ever thing that the daugther-in-law does in a negative way. After all...........it's a lot easier to behave like that......than to admit your fear and insecurity, lol.

Farida needs to consider that as well.

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Re: Parents v/s The In-laws

WHat??? itni si dair mai itni sari posts ho gaee :/

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When you have a 31 year old daughter.......you're scared with each passing day that time is running out for her (biologically) and also marital prospects dwindle with age for females.

So, her parents were in a tough spot. Fathers tend to think that no guy is good enough for their little girl. Even if she's 31........she's still like their "little girl" and they want the best for her. It's a** subconscious** fear of letting go. And they felt stuck because they worry about their daughter's age. Also........they liked the son (Danish) and that makes it hard to say no.

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Re: Parents v/s The In-laws

^ ughh why do parents act so difficult sometimes? Yeah it's usually the guy's mother creating trouble and feeling insecure. It's frustrating though coz why do you accept the proposal and then create so much drama afterwards? I know of situations where it was an arranged match and the guy's parents personally liked the girl first, yet they created trouble for her later.

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Yeah you're right. Things can be so complicated sometimes!

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Re: Parents v/s The In-laws

August , I like that grand child wala idea .. :cb:

RV , very much a strong possibility that there is hidden jealousy and yes you are right , its always easier to blame the other one rather then accepting ones own fears … definitely a point worth keeping in mind … :hugz:

I am glad i shared this problem here with you all , I am feeling alot more positive and hopefully inshallah Farida will feel much more equipped in dealing with her parents after reading all this valuable advise ..

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Re: Parents v/s The In-laws

^ August...........have you seen the movie, "Meet the Parents"? The girl's parents (dad especially) made life a living hell for his daughter's fiance. And in the movie the girls mother gets mad at the father and says "You will never think anyone is good enough for your daughter." LOL LOL LOL :) Fear of letting go.

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both of our immediate families were aware of everything going on. me and my husband were always in contact. if his dad didnt like the way things were going or if something was important to him like a family tradition or whatever, my husband let me know and i made sure it happened and vice versa. everyone was pretty stressed during those days but also very excited. i think she should definitely speak to him about it and let him know. theres no reason why he should have negative feelings, at this point he should be understanding and caring and yeh he should make the extra effort to show her parents that their daughter is loved and will be looked after because im sure the way farida's parents are feeling is upsetting her. ofcourse they will be much happier and feeling more secure with their decision to marry their daughter if he takes the extra steps to assure them.

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Re: Parents v/s The In-laws

RV , thats so true , I just remembered that movie .. :omg: