Parents are not letting me talk to my husband!

STA · August 22, 2011, 5:19am

Re: Parents are not letting me talk to my husband!

So Alhumdulliah I got my nikkah done, and so I am officially married. Rusksakti will be in couple of years. Although this was a love marraige, and my parents and his parents were very supportive of us. They were very happy and still are. So when I was engaged to him, my parents didn’t like the idea that I spoke to him everyday- it was understandable, but now since I am married my mom and dad do not like us talking everyday. And I do not understand it. I am married under Allahs eyes, so why cannot I speak to him everyday? What’s wrong with that. We are in different countries, which makes communication difficult, but we talk/chat via internet. I told my mom clearly mom he’s my husband so why cannot talk to him. When we all went to Pakistan to have our nikkah done, my mom wouldnt let him and I go out for dinner alone!! She’s like no its not right etcc.. and one time my khala said nahi agr nikkah hogeyah hai phr be shaitaan saat hotah hai!! Im like what???
Although my parents are very supportive of their children, and educated, why are they behaving like this? My husband is very kind, and when I talk to him lets say over the phone… my mom would come in the room and be like “oh wow aj phr baat kere ho, itna sar pe charaker mat use racko”, and he hears it… and he doesnt say anything, cause he doesnt want to hurt my feelings. Today this happened as well, and he actually said it to me that why don’t your parents like it when we talk to each other. And I had no answer to his question. How do I explain to my parents that I am married, and there is no harm in talking with my husband. They have no obejection to this marraige, they tease me about him and stuff jokingly, they love the fact that we are together, but why don’t they let us talk??? how do I explain to them?

^^^ GS Media: RKS ^^^

I think they have fears that too much communication will cause petty arguments and thus break you guys up. I’m not saying that they’re right - it’s just a possible explanation for how they feel. But alhamdullilah they’ve supported you this far, so don’t let this issue cause things to tense up now. If they are the type that you can calmly talk to, then talk to them politely about it. Perhaps reach a compromise - ok not everyday, then how about every other day, or every third day. And maybe you can be sensitive about it too - don’t deliberately call him in their presence. Ignore your khala, yes of course you are legitemately married. But just try to manage the sitiuation calmy with your parents - you don’t want to provoke them or give them reason not to support you.

As for your husband, I think you can give him the explanation I gave you and ask him not to mind it. I don’t think it should be a big issue. Perhaps you can communicate more via the internet than via the phone - your parents don’t need to know every single time you chat to him online right?

^^^ GS Media: RKS ^^^

I think they need to lighten up a bit. It’s true that in our society people take rukhsati as the final thing which is completely wrong and they fear awkward pregnancies before rukhsati and people would love to gossip. But in your case, such a fear should obviously not be there as you both are like countries apart.

However maybe your mother is worried that communication b/w you two could lead to

misunderstandings

arguments with the potential to turn big

unwanted or misinterpreted notions

extreme dependence or closeness which would be hard to handle since you both won’t be getting married soon

or maybe just over-possessiveness

If you try talking to her in a practical mature way and ask her as to what her fears maybe. Then just calmly and patiently eliminate all her unsaid notions and fears. That should work. But no flaring up or getting all emotional

Nadia Khan Show

the only explanation to this which I do understand and actually agree to is that talking too much before you guys live together especially in such a long distance relationship can lead to the honeymoon phase ending too soon and stupid arguments that can later on escalate to bigger ones. You guys should definitely talk but don’t overdo it which is hard to avoid and that’s why your mom is telling you not to talk. I don’t agree with her either. I am nikkahed and my mom would tell me not to talk as much but never that I should not talk to him at all. I do understand the thinking that if we talk too much we’ll get into fights after the intial lovey dovey phase wears off and then it’ll cause a lot of issues. Especially since you still have a few years before ruksati I think you should follow her advice partially and just try to talk less or not all the time because if you guys talk about everything beforehand then you’ll have nothing to talk about later (that’s what all the parents say) lol!!! I think you can make your own decision about when you talk to him but yeah just remember too much can be a bad thing too so just take it easy and make your own pace! Only you can figure out what works best for you guys

:k: