Do you think people/kids/youth who have a closer relationship with their parents… tend to be less rebelious?
I’ve noticed with a few teens who discuss things openly with their parents are much more relaxed and are less likely to ‘go off the rails’.. it could just be a generalistion… but i find that parents who are more accepting of their childrens mood swings and changes (not overlooking it.. or ignoring.. but acknowledging and helping) .. always end up being the winners..
wat do u think?
I agree, in our culture, when kids even are slightly different, from what a 'good'boy or a 'good' girl should be, they are deemed bad, free, etc. Nobody tries to understand and then they are force dto be moulded in that perfect role model child which doesn't excist.
I for example, loved to read books. My parents watned the best for me, so my Dad was afraid that reading books would destract me from my schoolwork, so he forbade me to go to the library when I was a teenager, we had some clashes on that subject! Only later I realised and understood, he wanted the best for me. It's just that parents sometimes have a completely diffrent idea of what's good for the child, andoften nothing can be discussed, or even explained why. The words of the parents is final, that 's it, but often they don't explain their kids why. I think that's one of the big mistakes parents can make.
Sadzzz - Nice topic, & I guess parents who force their decisions just tend 2 xert a lot of pressure on kids. Being a guy I was alwayz told don't do this, don't do that.......I regret having listened 2 them, coz I miss all those times. Now I've just become rebellious with time & I dont listen 2 anything they say. I've made it a habit too. I know its wrong, but what they did was wrong too. Everytime I try 2 xplain this fact & I get yelled @. I no longer raise this topic coz I'm sick & tired of my parents constant nagging & yelling.
My school mates who had liberal parents r in a much better position than me. There is a friend who has no degree, yet he has his own business & has taken his dad out of financial problems. He flunked 'O' Levels & he ditched college, but he made it. He is stable & he is 3 months elder 2 me.
I've seen other friends who r successful too. Their parents were very understanding. Its all fate yaar sadzzz. I got strict, obsessive parents but every friend I look 2 had understanding & loving parents. I still dream & I'll live my dreamz. I've become sober & quiet & I take all my parents yelling as it comes, & I dont raise my voice on them anymore. I just burn my anger in da cold trance that my mind produces. Now I'm just waiting 4 my day 2 come.
RETARDO abuse from parents...But Retardo like pain...
Parents poo on Retardo...Retardo cry...
I tell my mother and father everything ... not because I have to but because the relationship is just like that. I feel comfortable talking to them about things and just being completely open with them about my thoughts, opinions, actions and personal/social life. I've never felt any need to rebel cause the acceptance and open communication has always been there ... and they've never never had to forbid me from doing anything.
I think you just understand your parents better when you have a good relationship with them..
Communication is totally the key to success.
sadzzz, I think the winners are those who respect their parents and care for their happiness and feelings, not those who necessarily confide in them about everything or communicate with them about everything. I think it makes a huge difference in a person’s general success when she or he feels that her or his parents are happy with her or his lifestyle and approve of her or his actions, that they also want to see her or him go in that general direction and that they are praying for her or his success. If your parents’ moral support and approval is not behind you then no matter how successful you are, you are never happy and that’s not true success. This doesn’t necessarily come from communication but it comes from the child having respect and some degree of obedience for her or his parents and the willingness to mould her or his decision according to her or his parents’ wishes.
Hope that made some sense 
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*Originally posted by MehnazQ: *
I tell my mother and father everything ... not because I have to but because the relationship is just like that. I feel comfortable talking to them about things and just being completely open with them about my thoughts, opinions, actions and personal/social life. I've never felt any need to rebel cause the acceptance and open communication has always been there ... and they've never never had to forbid me from doing anything.
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very interesting replies :) i first thought my topic was kinda absurd.. but glad that people actually understood wat i was trying to say :)
im like u mehnaz.. ive always felt comfortable telling my parents everything... especially my mama, she knows pretty much everything about me... where im going, who im with.. even if im talking to someone on the net i'll tell her.. just incase if something stuffs up at least someone knows whats happened
over here in OZ.. theres not that many pakistani desis.. there are several groups.. like the urdu speaking, the punjabi and the sindhis.. and then theres our lil group which doesnt fit into any category.. as we're total bogans... neways what i find interesting in this circle is that our parents insist we have mixed (females and males) gatherings.. our parents talk to us like normal human beings.. sure we have our problems.. but our parents have this wierd trust in us... and cus of that.. most of us havent gone off the rails.. (yet)
i think its the way the parents interact with their kids is the key to a good relationship.. with ur family and future family... i dunno.. my very long 2 cents :)
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*Originally posted by ~NiQ@Bi~: *
I think the winners are those who respect their parents and care for their happiness and feelings, not those who necessarily confide in them about everything or communicate with them about everything. I think it makes a huge difference in a person's general success when she or he feels that her or his parents are happy with her or his lifestyle and approve of her or his actions, that they also want to see her or him go in that general direction and that they are praying for her or his success. If your parents' moral support and approval is not behind you then no matter how successful you are, you are never happy and that's not true success. This doesn't necessarily come from communication but it comes from the child having respect and some degree of obedience for her or his parents and the willingness to mould her or his decision according to her or his parents' wishes.
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Depends on the parents actually. Not all parents are brilliant, and therefore, they can have unreal expectations from their children. And if the child keeps on endeavoring to fulfill those wishes, he or she may end up being terribly unhappy with his or her own life, and also make the parents unhappy too. Some other parents try to live their lives through the lives of their kids. Thats also unfortunate.
If the parents and the children (at an appropriate age) don't sit down and talk about the career goals, future expectations and life preferences, its quite possible that the child will keep on trying to please the parents and make them happy, while parents will keep on expecting something else or better. At some point, the parents have to let go an understand that the child is his or her own person, with own dreams and future expectations. Its good to impart advice, but its not right to make their decisions for them or to become unhappy with them because they are doing something which we won't do. Intelligent parents empower the kids with knowledge and right decision-making, and then let them take their own decisions. I think, its more fulfilling to see your child making good decisions on his/her own, rather than taking pride that he/she always does what we (the parents) tell him/her to do.
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Originally posted by Faisal: *
Depends on the parents actually. Not all parents are brilliant, and therefore, they can have unreal expectations from their children. And if the child keeps on endeavoring to fulfill those wishes, he or she may end up being terribly unhappy with his or her own life, and also make the parents unhappy too. **Some other parents try to live their lives through the lives of their kids. Thats also unfortunate.*
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thats exactly what i said in some other thread... that some desi parents try to live their lives thru their kids.. especially those parents that didnt grow up with all the things they wanted ie education...
i sometimes find that my mama tries to do that thru me.. before i used to get real ticked.. and didnt quite understand why she wanted me to be so perfect... and i told her i couldnt be perfect and never will be... and she sat me down and said 'u r perfect...' ... and that just made everything better...
i do though feel sorry for parents whose kids dont let their parents in on their lives.. ive seen parents who dont know what to do and it just scares me that what if my kids will do that too (assuming i get married and have kids).. its just unfortunate that a lot of desi parents and kids build a barrier between themselves.... parents refuse to show their love and care.. they do but in their odd ways... and therefore the kids grow up to be exactly the same...
Same here Sadzz, I tell my folks everything ... hehe ... even when I've had an interesting/intense discussion on GS. :)
How very “Joy luck club”. Dreams of the mothers..passed to the daughters… 
^ dont fathers do that too? live their lives thru their sons?
ur such a senty guppie :)
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*Originally posted by Faisal: *
Depends on the parents actually. Not all parents are brilliant, and therefore, they can have unreal expectations from their children. And if the child keeps on endeavoring to fulfill those wishes, he or she may end up being terribly unhappy with his or her own life, and also make the parents unhappy too. Some other parents try to live their lives through the lives of their kids. Thats also unfortunate.
If the parents and the children (at an appropriate age) don't sit down and talk about the career goals, future expectations and life preferences, its quite possible that the child will keep on trying to please the parents and make them happy, while parents will keep on expecting something else or better. At some point, the parents have to let go an understand that the child is his or her own person, with own dreams and future expectations. Its good to impart advice, but its not right to make their decisions for them or to become unhappy with them because they are doing something which we won't do. Intelligent parents empower the kids with knowledge and right decision-making, and then let them take their own decisions. I think, its more fulfilling to see your child making good decisions on his/her own, rather than taking pride that he/she always does what we (the parents) tell him/her to do.
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Faisal bhai, your reply well taken and understood :-) I think though that sometimes a person can be under the affect of polarised emotional thoughts and does not know what's best for him or herself at a certain stage in life. At such a time, parents cannot be just onlookers and see the child just slide down. And it is only parents that are in a capacity to save their child at that point in life.
Also, a child should never feel like he knows more than his parents as in the bigger picture of things, parents have had more experience in the world and know what's the best for their children. Parents may not be most intelligent but certainly are the most selfless when it comes to their children and they also know their children more than the children know themselves. At the end of the day they also want the children to be happy. No parent would derive happiness from the obedience sans happiness of their child.
Independent decision making is great and I think all parents want their childrent to grow up to be independent, mature, responsbile and self reliant citizens of the world. Instead of giving one's child total freedom though, parents sometimes observe their children and gradually give them the freedom that they think their children have proved themselves worthy of, which, I think, is also a fine approach.
I think all of us have been through times when we are confused or depressed and want to take the easy way out in certain matters, with an outward facade that we indeed have thought about it and think its the best for us. It is parents though, that come into the picture at such a stage, and give us encouragement and tell us to take the next step that is in the right direction but a little tough. However, to save face and prove that we are capable of independent thought, we assert our initial decision. Parents take the burden on themselves and still insist on us to do the right thing. And then we end up doing it and some point in the future we realise how it was for our very best.
When I look back now, I cannot see a single step that I took in life, which I took because of the advice of my parents, that led me to harm. I can, however, see several cases where I did things out of my own decision, that perhaps did not bring forth the best results. I think that sometimes we really do not know what's the best for us and what will make us happy and I think parents sense that and tell us what to do and then we should just trust our parents and do it since there is no one more selfless than parents.
^ thats really well said :k:
u know not all parents are like that… my parents are completly different from one another, but both of their approaches are equally good…
my mama has a habit of knowing whats happening with her kids lives.. she’ll come and ask and then we’ll tell.. and sometimes she finds that she needs to tell us what to do.. just the way u said cus they have more knowledge of the worldy affairs.. and know us more than ourselves..
my dad on the other hand keeps to himself.. he’ll wait for us to come and tell him.. if a decision needs to be made, he’ll tell us to think about it and decide on our own.. being the eldest ive always had that.. as for my sister its very different.. shes a baby (even at 17) and decisions are made for her without even thinking twice about it…
neways what im trying to get at is that… there are many ways parents bring up their kids.. and its upto the kids to acknowledge that…
some parents are very selfish niqabi.. i know a lot of them.. and seen their kids messed up..
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*Originally posted by ~NiQ@Bi~: *
Also, a child should never feel like he knows more than his parents as in the bigger picture of things, parents have had more experience in the world and know what's the best for their children. Parents may not be most intelligent but certainly are the most selfless when it comes to their children and they also know their children more than the children know themselves. At the end of the day they also want the children to be happy. No parent would derive happiness from the obedience sans happiness of their child.
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All this is good and fine, but the only problem is that it is a bit of generalization. Not all parents are like that. Obviously you talk from your own experiences, however, I am sure many of us have seen cases where parents become totally irrational and unreasonable. I know one case, where the father kicked out his son from home and totally disowned him because the son wanted to be an architect, whereas the father wanted him to be a doctor. Now, we can all talk about selfless intelligent, experienced parents, but each case can be different, and should be treated as such. Not all people in the world are the same.
Re: your last paragraph, unlike some I don't think a person can only learn by making their own mistakes. Yes, they can... but a less painful way is to accept when someone who has been through the experience gives you an advice. Parents being one. However, even after you have told the person your advice, he/she still wants to make their own mistakes to learn, by all means they should go ahead. I don't think anyone in this world can unequivocally claim to have never made a wrong decision in their life. It happens. You learn. You move on. Same is true for your wrong decisions, or those taken on the urging of others: parents, friends, teachers, well-wishers etc.
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Originally posted by Faisal: *
All this is good and fine, but the only problem is that it is a bit of generalization. Not all parents are like that. Obviously you talk from your own experiences, however, I am sure many of us have seen cases where parents become totally irrational and unreasonable. **I know one case, where the father kicked out his son from home and totally disowned him because the son wanted to be an architect, whereas the father wanted him to be a doctor.* Now, we can all talk about selfless intelligent, experienced parents, but each case can be different, and should be treated as such. Not all people in the world are the same.
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thats extremely sad... but very true.. i know of a lot of parents who push things on to their kids without ever understanding what their child wants... and those are the kids that end up messed up or in the example u described.. without a home..
sadzzz :-) hehe my parents are like yours too yaar...and mummy and papa deal with us kinda like how your mom and dad deal with you too :-)
I have yet to see a parent whose intentions were selfish...This sounds dramatic lol but the day I see that, it will greatly reduce my faith in humanity...
I've even heard of mothers who kill their children right after their birth, but I do believe that they also do it for the best interest of their children, granted as they perceive it...
Faisal bhai, agree completely with your second paragraph...
As for the first, I have also seen some parents like that...For example, a guy whom I know of right now is not on talking terms with his parents because he married a girl who is not from their ethnicity...She's a great girl but his parents feel like he should have married someone from his ethnic background...
They probably do think that that would have indeed been for the boy's best interests...so by intention they still were being selfless...I wouldn't label their thoughts as selfish...or even the case you described...the dad prolly thought that being a doctor was the best option for his son...
Faisal is right. It is about advice. The realtionship with parents changes over time. Parents go from being parents to friends over time. Their ideas or rules or guidelines is advice based on their experiences. As you get older, your expriences will be different, their advice at times might seem anachronistic and you will chart your own course.
Since about junior year of college, I have used my parents advice more as guidelines then ultimatums. Luckily, we have more of a friendship where advice is solicited both ways and decisions are made int eh best interest of the individual and the family.
While everyone dreams there son or daugher follows in their footsteps or adheres to their points of view. It is myopic thinking. Each person is different, their capabilities are different, their interests are different etc.
niqabi thats kewl :) lekin i dont think my parents have never made any mistakes... they do but then u get on with life... when we're younger we obviously think our parents can never be wrong.. but they do cus they're humans..
like matsui.. my family is based more on advice giving.. when i was younger my parents did have some kinda set rules... 'dont ever say shut up'.. obviously we broke that rule...
but yeah once we get older and reach some level of maturity, i think parents start seeing their kids as friends rather than kids.. and its time for them to also start seeking advice from us..