salaam…
just joined site…enjoying myself…im african american and puerto rican…I recently got engaged to a Pakistani man whom ive known for about 2 years or so now…my family luvs him…but his family welll his umi hates me…my fiancee tried desperatetly to explain why to me…but i would like to hear how the Pakistani culture works…and why his mother has to the right to judge me becuz of my race…especially if we are all muslim…please help…i have never had to deal with this becuz i come from a family of mixed races…and religions…im looking for a better undertanding of why she feels this way…no need for anyone to sugar coat anything tell it like it is…
InshaAllah…i havnt affended anyone…wa-salaam
walekumsalam munirah 
welcome to GS, its nice to have you here
congratulations on your engagement 
i can understand what you are saying about your mother in law…I can kind of see how she feels. And as you asked, I’ll not sugar coat anything and be honest with you for your own benefit inshalllah..
Hmmm…the thing is that in pakistani culture families are very close and parents mostly have a major say in who their children are going to marry…thats our culture…and pakistanis are usually quite deply immersed in their culture…
also [and i dont mean to sound offending at all ] a lot of times u might see that ppl relate more to ppl from their own culture with whom they can speak their own language and share a common background…specially pakistanis who r so deeply into their culture usually tend to remain within the bounds of their culture as its just comfortable and familiar territory…i being an international student in the usa from pakistan know the feeling…making cultural transitions is a tough and difficult process and takes a lot of effort…
the mother in law and daughter in law relationship is special in our culture, like a mother daughter relationship, and she must be looking fwd all her life that she is going to bring a bride in for her son of her choice…like all mothers she must have a mental image of her daughter in law to be pakistani and with whom she is going to share so much…and no matter how nice of a person u r, u r different from the image she had in her mind and r right now u r unaware of the many little cultural things that must be so dear to her…u understand na? like the language, the little traditions, the food, clothes etc…these r minor things at the end of the day but do make a lot of difference…so there must be a lot of diappointment there for her
dont feel bad tho… its only natural..and i am sure it will go away with time…because now u r part of the family and the bonds of family and humanity are stronger than anything else…but try not to take this initial unwelcome feeling to heart…i know it’ll be tough but being younger i’ll encourage you to take the first step for the sake of peace and harmony in the family…u will reap the benefits for urself with time…just keep giving her love even if she makes u feel unwelcome and soon enough she is going to see the godness in u and welcome u with open arms inshallah just give her time and love to make her overcome this initial disappointment of hers…
i know its tough for u too cuz u have entered a new family and u want to feel welcomed…but take the first step and u’ll see the benefits…so hang in there its gonna get better inshallah
we pakistanis are very emotional and not too good at hiding our emotions either…but we are good ppl at heart…very loving and open hearted…it is easy to be nice to us and win our hearts…so give her some time, be nice to her and dont take the unwelcoming things she says to heart..
once u have overcome this initial period, and it might be a lil tough but inshallah u’ll get there…once u have won her over and u r in her good books and she comes to like u, u will cherish the relationship with her forever and it will be something beautiful in your life inshallah
best of luck in ur married life inshallah sister…hugs
w’salam
irem
I will provide you with another view of Pakistanis, I being a Pakistani woman myself.
Pakistanis like to stick to their own when it comes to marriage. A lot of Pakistanis even go to the extent of rejecting proposals from people who aren't even from the same region in Pakistan even though they may live in the USA or Canada. For example, a lot (not all) Pakistanis from Lahore or somewhere in the province of Punjab will only want a girl/boy from that area. They will not tolerate someone from Karachi and vice versa. You'll find some Urdu speaking Pakistanis not wanting to marry into a Punjabi speaking Pakistani family. People usually stick within their own ethnic group within the Pakistani community. Again, this does not relate to ALL Pakistanis, but a lot of them do behave like this.
Pakistani mothers tend to choose the bride for their son. A lot of this has to do with control and making sure that she'll still be the boss and number one in her sons heart after his marriage (I'm sure I will get a lot of slack for that comment!!).
On top of that, you are of African decent. A lot of old-school (meaning elder Pakistanis) have this incredibly narrow-minded and racist view towards Black. I'm sure I don't have to repeat it .... it's the same old typical stereotypes. Again, not all are like this but you'll see it in conversation. It's sad but true.
Ultimately, the fact that you are Muslim is of little consequence. Nationality comes first for a lot of Pakistanis which is sad!
Feel free to blast me guppies!
^ man how sad is that!
I used to always think that Arabs were racist when it comes to the kind of people to marry but Pakistanis TOP IT ALL!
Majestic, i took that a bit offensively, and rightfully so i think. Us pakistanis have our shortcomings, like any other nation out there.
Mehnaz 
gosh girl u r a fire ball 
:biggthumb yara Its not about being racist, its just abt being comfortable with those from your own culture…
And I agree this Punjabi Karachi thing is there but its becoming less and less important for ppl who live in pak…those pakistanis who settle in us/can/uk still hold to it tho..I am a Punjabi who grew up in Karachi so I see that theres lots of intermarriages these days…
The black issue is there i agree. Munirah, its also sadly our culture that ppl look down on those who are dark, but not everyone is like that, and at the end of the day if u r nice to someone they will like u no matter if u r black or white.
Majestic don’t even talk about arabs aight 
joke 
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by MehnazQ: *
Pakistani mothers tend to choose the bride for their son. A lot of this has to do with control and making sure that she'll still be the boss and number one in her sons heart after his marriage (I'm sure I will get a lot of slack for that comment!!).
[/QUOTE]
I think this may not entirely be true. Its a generalization, so it has to be taken with a good dose of salt. While we are doing it, another theory may be that the guys are unable to find girls for themselves as there are very limited opportunities for interaction between girls and guys. So the guys turn to their mothers and sisters and ask them for help in finding a wife.
Lack of education is the main culprit in most cases. But I doubt if Pakistanis, as a whole, can be deemed more racist than any other nation. We'll find odd-ball idiots everywhere, but for the most part they don't represent the views of majority. Same is with those Pakistanis who are still stuck in zaat-biraadari-qabeela issues. Yes, its there, and yes, slowly but surely these things are becoming less and less important. Will we ever get rid of them completely? May be not. But with more education, they will be less frequently applied.
Munira, in your case, good luck. A lot will depend on the conduct of your fiance. And what kind of personality he has. Irrate mother-in-law is nothing new in any culture. Depending on how strong the two of you feel about each other and feel about this whole issue, should decide how you want to proceed. Its difficult to give much useful advise without knowing the full facts. I am sure you will make the right decisions.
You asked us to be blunt. So here it is...
You said you are african-american & puerto rican, so I'll assume you have a darker skin. Pakistanis (99% of them) would go for a fair skin girl. You'll rarely see a fair man married to a darker woman. Vice versa is verry common. Your nationality is of no significance. It is your skin color that is putting off his mother. If you were a fair skin muslim girl with american passport, she would have little problem accepting you as her bahoo.
And a lot of educated and refined Pakistanis will tell you that they don't go for fair complexion, in reality, this is a big big factor for them. ALl their intellect and education comes to zilch when it comes to skin complexion.
I think its more of what you bring to the marriage..cuz ur not paki, the language cultutr, blah,blah will be pased on to the kids and the comfort level.
In an ideal world, it wouldn’t matter if she’s black or hispanic. The fact that she is a practicing Muslim is what would matter. However, unfortunately, we don’t live in an ideal world!
I agree when you say that being comfortable and wanting someone who will be apart of your culture and relate to your upbringing is important. However, if both the guy and the girl are born and raised in North America, then how much importance does retaining Pakistani culture really matter when both boy and girl have had a North American upbringing?
Faisal, I did say that my statements didn’t apply to ALL Pakistanis.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by MehnazQ: *
In an ideal world, it wouldn't matter if she's black or hispanic. The fact that she is a practicing Muslim is what would matter. However, unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world!
I agree when you say that being comfortable and wanting someone who will be apart of your culture and relate to your upbringing is important. However, if both the guy and the girl are born and raised in North America, then how much importance does retaining Pakistani culture really matter when both boy and girl have had a North American upbringing?
Faisal, I did say that my statements didn't apply to ALL Pakistanis.
[/QUOTE]
hmmmm...i see ur point mehnaz....but the marriage is not just between the boy and girl...its between the two families....and for the girl to get along well with the boy's parents and extended family and the boy to get along well with the girl's parents and extended family...and the parents are brought up in pakistan and stil retain their ethnic culture....it makes things easier if they r from the same region in pakistan....
personally it doesnt matter that much to me coz i grew up in karachi and had friends from all different ethnic backgrounds, punjabi, sindhi, pathan, urdu speaking etc...and the difference i think is not that much except the languages...
but i have met ppl with this thinking and can see where the r coming from too..
at the end of the day i do believe tho that the distance between u and another person is only the distance u choose to place so everyone shud technically be able to get along only if both sides want to..
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by irem: *
hmmmm...i see ur point mehnaz....but the marriage is not just between the boy and girl...its between the two families....and for the girl to get along well with the boy's parents and extended family and the boy to get along well with the girl's parents and extended family...and the parents are brought up in pakistan and stil retain their ethnic culture....it makes things easier if they r from the same region in pakistan....
personally it doesnt matter that much to me coz i grew up in karachi and had friends from all different ethnic backgrounds, punjabi, sindhi, pathan, urdu speaking etc...and the difference i think is not that much except the languages...
but i have met ppl with this thinking and can see where the r coming from too..
at the end of the day i do believe tho that the distance between u and another person is only the distance u choose to place so everyone shud technically be able to get along only if both sides want to..
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If they both love each other and are both Muslim, then I don't see why his family are making such a big deal. Would it be better if he married a Pakistani girl who made him miserable just to make his family happy cause they don't like his current loves skin colour?
We just saw a similar situation with another Guppie who was Pakistani and was involved and committing to a Lebanese Muslim girl and AGAIN his family were doing the same drama.
The family should just get over it and be happy that he's found someone who loves him and is a good person (if that is the case).
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by MehnazQ: *
If they both love each other and are both Muslim, then I don't see why his family are making such a big deal. Would it be better if he married a Pakistani girl who made him miserable just to make his family happy cause they don't like his current loves skin colour?
We just saw a similar situation with another Guppie who was Pakistani and was involved and committing to a Lebanese Muslim girl and AGAIN his family were doing the same drama.
The family should just get over it and be happy that he's found someone who loves him and is a good person (if that is the case).
[/QUOTE]
hmmm....yaar i dont believe in 'love'...its just temporary emotional insanity...any guy and girl if they interact a lot and are not repulsed by each other are gonna fall in 'love'....thats how Allah made us....the main thing is that there shud be long term compatibility....which depends on more practical and solid things....one of which is cultural similiarity....but ofcourse there r many other things....
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by irem: *
hmmm....yaar i dont believe in 'love'...its just temporary emotional insanity...any guy and girl if they interact a lot and are not repulsed by each other are gonna fall in 'love'....thats how Allah made us....the main thing is that there shud be long term compatibility....which depends on more practical and solid things....one of which is cultural similiarity....but ofcourse there r many other things....
[/QUOTE]
I would put a person's character and their practice of Islam ahead of their cultural identity, but that's just me.
Let us agree to disagree!
i agree with u…a person’s character and practice of Islam is most important…but culture kind of incorporates that…
anyways i don’t disagree with u yara, i do see ur points too
Very good points Mehnaz.
Irem, do you agree with the way Pakistanis think or you are only telling us how you think they think?.
PS. I am very scared after reading these essay posts from you. You know what happened last time I did this. 
OK what I meant, is I can't believe you guys would not marry people from other parts of Pakistan, like one Pakistani once told me, he could not marry a Punjab b/c he was not a Punjab.
Thats all take a deep breath people, and for all those who want to curse Arabs hey like I care about anyone anyway, by all means.
yaar I think I kinda understand where you are coming from
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Majestic: *
OK what I meant, is I can't believe you guys would not marry people from other parts of Pakistan, like one Pakistani once told me, he could not marry a Punjab b/c he was not a Punjab.
Thats all take a deep breath people, and for all those who want to curse Arabs hey like I care about anyone anyway, by all means.
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it sounds odd, but you have to be from pak/india/etc to understand it..my family still and many others believe in castes.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by irem: *
...any guy and girl if they interact a lot and are not repulsed by each other are gonna fall in 'love'........
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huh?