Jus thought id talk about parents and fathers’s and gather other peoples opinions.
First of i’ll start by talking about fathers. It seems to me looking at the relationships my friends have with their fathers that either they can’t be bothered with their children and are never there or the opposite if they are present in your life they think that just because they stick around or they are there that.they have a right to control you, tell you how to live your life, are a complete arsehole to u(especially if your a pakistani guy). From what i’ve observed fathers and daughters form much better relationships then fathers do with their sons. I just wandered whether this was just my perspective.
On to parents, from many pakistani parents many a time i’ve heard how children should be greatful as they’ve provided for them financially, which really is the minimum you should do as someone’s biological mother/father. Not even looking at it from a religious perspective, if you look in the west thats recognised as your legal responsibility.
If you look at adoption agencies they don’t just want a couple who are financially secure. They want parents who can love, nurture and develop a child. It’s unfortunate that pakistani parents see children as a financial burden and act like there doing you a big favor just by supporting you financially. Anyone can have sex and make a child, but can you bare the of your own actions and love something you have created or just think of it as another expense ? Parents should stimulate children to make the best of yourself. Imagine if you beat a puppy over and over again, there’s hardly any chance it’ll grow out to be a loving and loyal dog. Love isn’t unconditional, and it takes a ‘human’ approach to really get you anywhere.
As kids grow up for mee the main issue would have to be communication between parents and child. You have to be able to sit down with ur children and talk with them and not make them feel isolated as many of our parents do. Constant abuse from a young age just messes up a child’s self esteem. You can teach a child what to do or not to make mistakes..e.g..if i child puts his hand in an electric socket you can explain to him why he shouldnt do it.. ie. he cud get electrocuted..etc, rather then say a bunch of curse words which unfortunately pakistani parents tend to resort to. IMHO kids that are f***ed up today is down to a lousy upbringing and things they have seen in their parents. Parent’s who loud, obnoxious, forever cursing etc are. If parents took it upon themselves to bring their children up correctly then I swear, we wouldn’t have half the kids out there getting up to madness.
From personal experience and looking at the pakistani friends i grew up with, all our parents were pretty distant with their kids as they were growing up. But most of us don't end up hating them. Maybe some resentment at times tho.
Jus thought id talk about parents and fathers's and gather other peoples opinions.
First of i'll start by talking about fathers. It seems to me looking at the relationships my friends have with their fathers that either they can't be bothered with their children and are never there or the opposite if they are present in your life they think that just because they stick around or they are there that.they have a right to control you, tell you how to live your life, are a complete arsehole to u(especially if your a pakistani guy). From what i've observed fathers and daughters form much better relationships then fathers do with their sons. I just wandered whether this was just my perspective.
On to parents, from many pakistani parents many a time i've heard how children should be greatful as they've provided for them financially, which really is the minimum you should do as someone's biological mother/father. Not even looking at it from a religious perspective, if you look in the west thats recognised as your legal responsibility.
If you look at adoption agencies they don't just want a couple who are financially secure. They want parents who can love, nurture and develop a child. It's unfortunate that pakistani parents see children as a financial burden and act like there doing you a big favor just by supporting you financially. Anyone can have sex and make a child, but can you bare the of your own actions and love something you have created or just think of it as another expense ? Parents should stimulate children to make the best of yourself. Imagine if you beat a puppy over and over again, there's hardly any chance it'll grow out to be a loving and loyal dog. Love isn't unconditional, and it takes a 'human' approach to really get you anywhere.
As kids grow up for mee the main issue would have to be communication between parents and child. You have to be able to sit down with ur children and talk with them and not make them feel isolated as many of our parents do. Constant abuse from a young age just messes up a child's self esteem. You can teach a child what to do or not to make mistakes..e.g..if i child puts his hand in an electric socket you can explain to him why he shouldnt do it.. ie. he cud get electrocuted..etc, rather then say a bunch of curse words which unfortunately pakistani parents tend to resort to. IMHO kids that are f***ed up today is down to a lousy upbringing and things they have seen in their parents. Parent's who loud, obnoxious, forever cursing etc are. If parents took it upon themselves to bring their children up correctly then I swear, we wouldn't have half the kids out there getting up to madness.
I completely agree with you but try telling them. lolz
My cousin were telling me something about a person who came to their school to lecture them about kinves and drugs.....as soon as she mentioned drugs her mom started freaking out and wanted to shut her mouth. lolz. I know it's not directly related to your thread but this is the way our desi parents are, I don't want to be like them and from today I'm gonna be good (sometimes I do get loud with the kids, i'm gonna sort this out), inshaAllah.
I completely agree with you but try telling them. lolz
My cousin were telling me something about a person who came to their school to lecture them about kinves and drugs.....as soon as she mentioned drugs her mom started freaking out and wanted to shut her mouth. lolz. I know it's not directly related to your thread but this is the way our desi parents are, I don't want to be like them and from today I'm gonna be good (sometimes I do get loud with the kids, i'm gonna sort this out), inshaAllah.
Thank you very much for your post.
We were never allowed to ask questions about things that my parents didn't approve of, everything hushed up. However, it did help hone our alternative research skills!
i belong to a pakistani brought up and had such blessed parents that i miss every moment of my life. being a daughter i had a humble and very loving father and a strict mother but that stictness has paid me a lot of good and now i realize how parents sacrifice their own lives for their children'z well-being. if i look into my society i do not find parents of such sort. my mother died of cancer at just an age of 52. while my father is such a soft-hearted person that whenever he calls up his voice turns a bit shaky. the same treatment is with our only dear brother.
v all have grown up to very responsible and successful beings and that is all bcoz of our parents and their hatd work. if i had a chance to show what they have done for us, i would have surly asked for a souvenier for them. i miss them at every breath of my life. although i myself am a parent but i feel that i won't b able to foster my kid in the way they did. i truly can't express my feelings for them.
I think that many Pakistani children are ungrateful to their parents.
I grew up with parents that NEVER said "I love you." THey were very strict. No TV in the house. If you came home with a 'B' or EVEN A LOW A, you would have thought we brung an home an 'F'!! No we never talked about drugs or sex- those were unmentionable words.They gave us thuppars for talking back at them. All of us went to bed at 10pm; were made to wake at fajr.
You would have definetly called them most distant parents ever. But they weren't- they were the most loving parents ever. They were strict, and they yelled at us because they wanted us to reach our most highest potential- and Alhumdullllah all four of us did. My parents didn't even LET me cook or clean because they thoought we could better spend our time with studying. They would say that everyone can cook, that doesn't need education; becoming a doctor does.
I love them for all of the above. It made me a better person. Look, Parents are not meant to be your friends, their meant to be someone that corrects you when you they see you on the wrong path, to make you the most successful human beings. After all, if your parents don't yell and scream at you, nobody in the world will.
To be criticized by someone means that they LOVE you, not the one that showers you with praises always. Parents aren't always going to be there for you, so enjoy them while you have them. Show them the love while you have them. Parents aren't meant to be perfect- they are human just like you and were molded by their life experiences just as you will be, and they did the best they can do based on that.
My grand father was a very distant father to all his 7 children. My dad the eldest of the 7 had to raise his brothers and sisters without a mother (my daddi died when he was 20). My dada had NO involvement in their upbringing, dad to day lives, problems even getting them married. My dad vowed to be a different father.
When my dad moved here to the U.S, I think he realize that forcing your kids to do anything is not possible. And for fathers need to guide their children.
My father talked to me and sister about boys, going to the prom drugs, our career choices. He would discuss everything openly. My mom being the typical pakistani mom wouldn't - but he would! Till this day if we have some problem - we go to our dad first.
With my brothers, he was even a better father because he changed even more being in U.S. He was more patient, he was more understanding, he taught him the Quran, took him to Hajj, took a easy going job to so that he can spend more time with my brother and my mother can pursue her career.
I feel blessed! I know my life would have been very different if I had a "typical" pakistani father.
I was raised in pakistan by pakistani dad.
1- Who never hit me once in my life.
2-I never saw a mood variation, always calm.
3-Our tutors were told not give us so much work that we wont enough time to play.
4-summer vocation he used to take us to play soccer every day.
5-We had our gym set up for us. He tried to learn skating with us which scared my step mom to death lolzz
6-we were not allowed to be brats but encouraged to argue if we didnt like any thing.
7-every question we asked about life he would explain it from quran.
:(
I miss my dad :( :(
If I can become one tenth of what he was, my kids would love me to death.
Jus thought id talk about parents and fathers's and gather other peoples opinions.
First of i'll start by talking about fathers. It seems to me looking at the relationships my friends have with their fathers that either they can't be bothered with their children and are never there or the opposite if they are present in your life they think that just because they stick around or they are there that.they have a right to control you, tell you how to live your life, are a complete arsehole to u(especially if your a pakistani guy). From what i've observed fathers and daughters form much better relationships then fathers do with their sons. I just wandered whether this was just my perspective.
On to parents, from many pakistani parents many a time i've heard how children should be greatful as they've provided for them financially, which really is the minimum you should do as someone's biological mother/father. Not even looking at it from a religious perspective, if you look in the west thats recognised as your legal responsibility.
If you look at adoption agencies they don't just want a couple who are financially secure. They want parents who can love, nurture and develop a child. It's unfortunate that pakistani parents see children as a financial burden and act like there doing you a big favor just by supporting you financially. Anyone can have sex and make a child, but can you bare the of your own actions and love something you have created or just think of it as another expense ? Parents should stimulate children to make the best of yourself. Imagine if you beat a puppy over and over again, there's hardly any chance it'll grow out to be a loving and loyal dog. Love isn't unconditional, and it takes a 'human' approach to really get you anywhere.
As kids grow up for mee the main issue would have to be communication between parents and child. You have to be able to sit down with ur children and talk with them and not make them feel isolated as many of our parents do. Constant abuse from a young age just messes up a child's self esteem. You can teach a child what to do or not to make mistakes..e.g..if i child puts his hand in an electric socket you can explain to him why he shouldnt do it.. ie. he cud get electrocuted..etc, rather then say a bunch of curse words which unfortunately pakistani parents tend to resort to. IMHO kids that are f***ed up today is down to a lousy upbringing and things they have seen in their parents. Parent's who loud, obnoxious, forever cursing etc are. If parents took it upon themselves to bring their children up correctly then I swear, we wouldn't have half the kids out there getting up to madness.
wow! i dint know pakistani parents were being thot of like u described above. um i think non desi parents consider their kids more of a financial burden than desi parents do. desi parents might not b saying 'i love u " to their kids but hteir actions scream taht they luv their kids to death. goras on the other hand might say "i luv u' to kids all the time but we all know some of the liberal things they let their kids do is quite controversial. i.e having sex, alcohol consumption , etc. desi parents may be perceived as being over protective but they only luv us that's why they protect us from the sins of this world. i 'm surprised tat desi parents are considered less affectionated tahnt non desis. if nything i've always known, seen and believed it to be otherwise.
If you are talking generally, then no I do not see it as a trademark of Pakistani parenting, never witnessed it first-hand or second-hand. Yes I agree that a lousy upbringing will definitely result in a rather lousy child but do not agree with the gross generalization. If anything I believe Pakistani kids ‘generally’ are spoilt rotten, with too many indulgences in the love department
Why is it gora parents make their kids get jobs when they're in HS? kick them out the house by the time they're 18? yeahyeah we can say its so they can get independentand grow up, (not dissing those who work in HS and move out at 18 mind u) but to say that desi parents view kids as a financial burden is a gross generalization, and more so an inaccurate one.
My Abbu too, is the kind who hit us at our little mistakes and we got a lot of chantay and thappars. Alot of time it was just because our brother did the sharartain and we got the hit because of him But he also spent time with us every single day, in the evening. He would play games with us, both indoors and outdoors and take us out all the time to parks, museums, science centers etc.
Now that we are grown up and either married or engaged, my abbu is more like our friend than our dad. Both my husband and BIL cannot believe how freely we talk to him. He does all the fun acitivities with us and also talks about the taboo subjects that my mom wouldnt talk about
At the same time, i HAVE seen desi parents that believe in shair ki nazar say daikhna. I have an uncle who himself says that his kids are so scared of him that they disperse away when he comes home and dont talk to him etc. I dont understand whats the point in scaring your kids away from yourself. But to each their own.
I thought i had the most cruel parents on this planet, sometime it cross my mind that iam not even their son, to give a picture, it was like i use to get Rs. 200 as my monthly allowance from which i had to pay all my expenses, there were times i had to walk 5/6 miles just because i didn't had money for bus fare, i had to spend long hours in library doing my on research as i could not afford to buy books and articles, nor did i can afford to buy someone a lunch to deliver my assingment. When all my friends/classmates use to got for movie, i go to college Computer lab, typing my assingments.
The life was endless and though, they were never satisfied with my grades, i was allowed to almost nothing.
Because i never had money, i was never allowed to drive the car we got in house, there were fewer friends...
And Now when i look back, those were the days which kept me on right path, i taught me how to live a life, how to survive in the life, how not to complain on the time, when to take a stand when to compromise...
All credit to my parents, i could have been spoiled child as i was the only son they got... I wonder i can ever repay...
Lets see .. My mother is the strict one and she believes in the khawat "sune ka niwala khilao aur sher ki ankh se dekho.." She is the one who scolds us, throws jute after us and all that :p but she is very funny too .. there is no taboo with her .. she talks openly about everything and I mean EVERYTHING!! .. at times me and my sis have to tell her to stop because sometimes its just too much :p I wouldnt say she is my bestfriend or anything .. She is my mother and I know I can seek advices from her in any given situation and she will show me the right path ..
My dad on the other hand is very calm and laid back. He never scolds us about anything and I think out of all my siblings my eldest brother is the only one to get scold by my father and those were some VERY serious matters. And if my brother had been my son he would have been burried in the garden, but chup chup hehe .. We can joke around with my dad, talk abt politics and food .. uhh he loves food and is always interested if we try a new recipe .. He is my foodtaster :D
Parenting is not easy for desis in the west. Let's just face it. It's completely different to how it would have been in Pakistan. So yes, some parents do fail to bridge this gap and fail in making their kids feel loved and secured. I can see what you're saying here shortdog.
Now, as we all know, in our peak of jawaani, most of us think we know better than our parents and feel a lot of resentment towards them. Some realise sooner, some later that it was all worth it, alhamdullillah.
My parents also never ever say "I love you" or kiss us goodnight or all that jazz. We were never spoken to about boyfriends, dance parties, etc. etc because to my parents, it was more than clear. I was never allowed to sleep over, everyone in my class would be gone for annual week-long camping trip, and I'd either stay home or go to the library. To this day, I have a Cinderella curfew, and it all affects our social life.
Post-secondary tuition is so expensive here but my dad absolutely refused to help us out, he said, "if you want it bad enough, go and get it". So I remember being 17 and thinking, where will I come up with 5000 dollars to pay for first year uni. And I got a job, worked and today we all look back, we have no student loans alhamdullillah plus we are a lot more mature about life than others our age. Another thing this did for us, make us less materiallistic and wayyyy more humble. Now when I tell people I couldn't care less about designer names and/or flashy cars and that diamonds are not my best friend, they simply don't believe me.
All of this is thanks to my distant and cold parents. :D:D:D:D
after reading all of the post i love my parents. they are so cool, i talk to my parents about everything and they don't think me or my siblings as "financial burden". I always kiss them and tell them how much i love them.
But he also spent time with us every single day, in the evening. He would play games with us, both indoors and outdoors and take us out all the time to parks, museums, science centers etc.