Pakistani female US resident and citizen looking to get married

Lifestyle Relationships
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salams

this is not a shaadi ad but something for discussion

i know of a pakistani girl in the US who is looking to get married. she’s from punjab [dont want to disclose her city]. is in her early thirties. i’ve known her personally and she is a decent and well behaved good natured kind hearted girl with a good moral character. mashallah she’s earning well but she’s not a nakhreeli hi-flying snobby gal. very humble and soft spoken and homely. and mashallah beautiful. she belongs to a family with more of a business background, not that educated. her family in pakistan is like upper middle class. she finished her masters in pakistan and then her family got a rishta for her from a guy who was not their relative but from her city and had gone to the US at 17-18. her parents didnt investigate much and she got married to the guy. kehte haen na jo kismat mein likha hota hae wohi hota hae.

anyways, after she came to the US she discovered that the guy was leading a completely morally decadent life in the US and was forcing her to be a part of it too. the poor girl still tried to compromise and had no complaints but then the guy decided she was too ‘paindoo’ and couldnt keep with his social life the [the JERK, if i ever saw him i would really shoot him. i dont think he deserves to walk on this planet]. he took her to pakistan saying they were gona go on a holiday and then he escaped back to the US without telling her.

she came back to the USA and saw that the guy really did not want anything to do with her…he did some things which r not mentionable here…but in the end she took khula from him.

till the divorce her mother in law did not have any complaints from her. speaks of her good nature i think.

her parents then were calling her back to pakistan but she had obviously gotten a huge huge shock from all this and she decided that she now wanted to make her own life when Allah had given her the opportunity to and she decided to stay on in the US and work and build her career.

it was not easy for her but she really struggled to find housing, job, buy a car…she did all this herself without any help.

she was scared of social rejection in pakistan. plus she did not want to get married again after such a bad experience and she was afraid her parents might get her married again to some guy who might turn out to be a jerk again.

she studied and took some professional exams and advanced in her workplace. mashallah i salute her guts. she is such a soft spoken and gentle person but i am surprised at the determination she has shown. in many ways she is my role model.

anyways, now she wants to get married but is not doing anything much about it as she cant really do anything. she’s a typical pakistani fob gal who came to the US in mid twenties, from a small pakistani city…she is 500% pakistani in her habits and ikhlaaq but is not social with the pakistani community because knowing our desi community, most ppl cant accept a single girl, divorced, living by herself and working. log baatein banatay haen. and to avoid that she chose just not to interact with them. i was lucky enough to meet her and get to know her though. she just goes to job/gym and thats it. has two of three close female friends whom she keeps in touch with and thats it. she doesn’t feel too comfortable interacting with guys especially pakistani guys, doesn’t have male friends, isnt that outgoing, etc etc…because that was the way she was raised and the background she’s from…

anyways, now that she is looking to get married, what kind of options are open for a female like her to go about this in a respectable manner without making herself vulnerable? her parents cant really help her in this as they are in Pakistan and they cant come to the US, and after such a bad first experience she really wants to kind of atleast know the guy a little bit before getting married.

which people should she contact and what process should she follow?

i suggested ISNA to her but the idea seemed weird to her [and i can totally see why, coz it seems hecka weird to me too]…u put so many people in a room and then they think they wana get married..i dono it sounds kinda weird and sketchy, lacking the veil of respectability…

khayr, ur suggestions and opinions would be appreciated :slight_smile:

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Summarize.

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Aik to itni lambi post likhi oopar se ab summary bhee likhoon? :hoonh:

waise u dont need to read it tumharay kaam kee naheen hae u r too young to be talking abt this topic :smiley: :slight_smile:

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Itni lambi post kyon likhi? Ab likhi hai to summary bhi likh do.
Parhai pe bahut dhiyaan dey diya, time to venture and explore unchartered territory. :snooty:

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:wsalam: wa rehmatullah is the lady under scrutiny here aware of the fact that, parts of her marital and personal life r being discussed on a open discussion board…

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luc oye meray daday na bano chotay ho to chotay ban k raho :hoonh: well i havent disclosed her identity, nor do i intend to, and i have opened this thread with some sincere intentions which Allah swt is aware of so i dont think i have done anything wrong by discussing whatever i have discussed here…laggi samaj? :smiley:

tNC…acha…? :smiley: dont make the mistake i made. college is for parhai only :slight_smile: ok i’ll stop being ur dadi amma… :stuck_out_tongue:

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she has all the right to look for herself, especially after her parents botched up her first marriage! why didnt they look into it propperly??!!!!!! thats so awful, they couldve avoided the whole shabang,

tell her to pray, and make friends who have friends who know some friends ;) it'll work out inshaAllah, but she has more of a responsibility this time, and all those ppl who go on abt the crap abt her parents should be looking etc tell them to shutup, she can take care of herself!

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hey Xara...thanks for the response :)

i do tell her that maybe the best option is to let her parents look...but she's had a bitter experience which its easy for us to look from the outside and comment on but she's the only who's gone thru the pain...so i never forced her abt it...and islamically i think she has full right to look for herself...

u have some good suggestions...thanks for ur good wishes too :)

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She has to be more social if she wants to look for a decent guy for herself. As of your discription it is kinda difficult.
Well... dua karo ..Allah behtar karey gaa

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being social ... in what sense?
she doesnt want to date etc.

btw, i was hoping some US guppies could respond with some practical and solid ideas :) jazaks

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ure welcome :flower1: tell your rfiend not to lose hope,

at least she’s much more experienced now, knows where the bad points in a guy are, andif shes beautiful in character as well as looks i dont think she’ll have a problem inshaAllah :slight_smile:

maybe she will meet someone at work or maybe you could introduce her to a convert, they’ll be awhole lot let jaded pakistani like anyway, and be able to see her as a person and not used goods :k:

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thanks Xara

yaar i am not in the US warna mein shayad kuch kar sakti...

used goods? yaar thats disgusting...its not her fault the guy was a first class JERK...un bichari ne to phir bhee shadi ko sambhalnay kee koshish kee...some ppl say it was her budnaseebi...i think it was her khushnaseebi that the JERK is out of her life now...argh even his thought makes me wana puke

used goods...? only mean ppl r gona think that abt her or any divorced woman...even the term is demeaning and disgusting to be used for a female

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thats exactly how pakistanis refer to divorced women…thats why its better to steer clear of them :k:

its a shame they put it down to the women haveing problems and yeah :disgust: they look at them as used goods as well

some things never change

khair, tell her to smile and be happy :slight_smile: things could have been much much worse, and there are lots of ppl who are in worse positions than her, she is lucky mashaAllah :flower1:
she found out what a jerk that guy was before they had kids (godforbid)

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XARA…aisi baat nai yaar…we pakistanis r baray dil k log :slight_smile: aazma k dekh lena inshallah u wont be disappointed

kameenay ppl r everywhere…there r some kameenay pakistani ppl too…THEY r the ones who think like that…not all of us :slight_smile:

thanks for ur reply :hug:

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If she is unwilling to go thru her family (understandably, if I may say so), and she wants to do it passively then logically speaking, she has a couple of options. Either she needs to start giving guys around her a chance to get to know her/them and see if it gets anywhere. The other is to meet other couples of same age (desis or non-desis, whatever makes her comfortable) and they'd introduce her to eligible people.

Practically, its a bit hard to find a spouse when one has just two or three female friends and is unwilling to expand the social circle. Although, in most places, in order enter the social circle, you need an entry, typically through someone you know.

If she is willing to go through a more active route (though your post suggested she is not too keen on that), then she can go thru the route of ISNA, Naseeb etc.

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This is what happens when some paindoo jaahil parents marry off their girls at 17-18 without any interest for the girl. You know all the threads in this area of GS about how parents always have your interest at heart and are always right, here's an example where they royally f***ed up. They probably just wanted to be done with their "duty" of marrying off their daughter and didn't take the time to find out what the guy was really like, shame on them.

Secondly, Irem, in the west, someone who is homely means that they are very plain looking, not at all pretty, more on the ugly side. Trust me, I learned this the hard way. So I would rephrase that or people might get the wrong idea.

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Faisal bhai and aahmed thanks for your replies :)

Faisal bhai, thanks for the advice :) if I had been there maybe I would have introduced her to bhabi...that would have been really good...sigh...maybe if I come for grad school inshallah :)

aahmed, thanks for your advice, actually in Pakistan, atleast in my opinion, being homely is a good thing...i cant imagine her being with a guy who thinks being homely is a bad trait...so i'll leave it there...hope thats ok? :)
as for parents...i think individuals do have their limitations, but parents by intention always want the best for their children. fate also has a role to play, maybe her kismat was just bad...Allah also tests His people...so i dont think its so black and white that one can just blame here parents :)

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:wave:

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:wave:

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so is this "the paindoo" you're referring to?