Re: Pakistani Engagements?
welll.... its a touchy thing, to say the least. i'd say if your parents/family aren't down with the whole process, then if you can, have two parties. i can understand their pov and i'm sure a part of them feels left out with you enthusiastically embracing another culture- while you may not be denouncing theirs, it probably feels that way to them.
im kind of going thru the same thing with my FH- see, the pakistani view i find, is that goras have no culture/traditions. thats not true. there are cultures/traditions associated with goras and gora weddings, like having a bridal party, like having a champagne toast, like the father/daughter dance... they're not important to desis because its not our culture, but if you're marrying someone gora, you gotta keep that in mind, because its important to them and their fam. in our case, because of budget, we compromised and we're having one affair. he is not wearing a sherwani and i am not wearing a white gora dress. his take was if he's supposed to wear a sherwani, than in order to represent both cultures fairly, i should be in a white gown. i had no problem doing that but i know my mom wouldn't be happy about it., so i settled for a traditional lehenga.
just be sensitive to your folks and what they are saying, and you know, go ahead and don't do things entirely desi. i mean, at the end of the day, even if you wear a white lehenga, its still not a dress. and if you're mom's dream was always to see her little girl walk down the aisle with your dad, looking a certain way, well... its not going to be easy for her. maybe you can come up with some sort of compromise- wear the white gown during the nikah ceremony and change into a red lehenga for the reception. my persian aunt did that for her wedding day since persians also wear white gowns. for our ceremony, we're still doing the bridal party thing, and i will walk down with both my parents- so what if its a nikah. the basic question asked (do you?) and the basic answer (i do), are the same. and i dont think any imam would/should have issues with you doing that. theres lots of ways to merge traditions and make both sets of parents happy.
i wouldn't worry so much about the food and the music. what i'm finding with planning my wedding is that you absolutely cannot please everyone. i mean, thats the hard truth. so do food that is a mix of both- we're having chicken cacciatore (which is basically chicken in spicy sauce with lots of veggies, like a saalan) with fresh naan, and we're also having a bbq station with striploin steaks done to each guest's preferences, plus additional vegetarian options etc.
for music- we're having a classical duo for the ceremony (guitar and violin probably), for the reception, we're having a jazz trio for an hour (for our first dance etc.) and then switching to a DJ who will play bhangra and english music.
alcohol is a biggie. since you're converting, chances are, you won't be serving it, right? we were going to compromise by serving it only to our gora guests - a bottle of red/a bottle of white - at each table where they'd be sitting, and pop/non alcoholic champagne for the rest, but it was still causing too much tension. so we dropped it. instead, we're going to have an afterparty in a really swanky club downtown, the weekend after the wedding, where everyone who wants to, can cut loose and celebrate in their own style.
good luck! and don't get stressed out :)
oh, and also, nail a date and book your venue! i dont know about the bronx, but things get booked up FAST in toronto!
these days a lot of people like to get a bit overboard and have the engagement party a big function too, but normally it’s held at home. a quietish affair.
You already seem like you’re far ahead in the planning process but there’s a nice website that some friends and family found helpful in planning their weddings (
