pakistani born and gifts

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: pakistani born and gifts

I have never complained about money factor as i that isnt the exact issue.

The issue was the lack of appreciation from sil on gifts my parents sent. And the bil asking to sent gifts. I never sent unless it was a birthday as this is something i have done since childhood and will do for the upcoming birthdays. But one lesson learnt is that one should not expect anything in return of good, espc if these people are not a life essentials part of your life: i am not marrying my sil n bil at the end of the day.

42

Re: pakistani born and gifts

I think you should accept that no matter how hard you try and how considerate you are being, they will find a reason to ask for more or to be unsatisfied. Some people have a huge sense of entitlement and little sense of responsibility. And some want any excuse to create drama and act like victims.

With that in mind:

  1. Give what you want to give and do so genuinely and generously, but only as much as you want. Do not expect them to be gracious or happy. You can't control their behavior. Expect that they are going to petty, ungracious, immature, etc. When they aren't, you'll be pleasantly surprised. But don't gift with the hope of changing how they behave.

  2. You might want to talk to your fiance about relaying their complaints to you. Basically, tell him you are doing things with the best of intentions, and doing what you can and what you want. He does not need to repeat their complaints to you. What he can do is try to make his family be more reasonable and understanding, but he can't force change.

43

Re: pakistani born and gifts

true. I was wring excpecting that they will change their behaviour. I personally am a giving person but have never splashed money on gifts as i beleive in the act more. my worries were for my parents who tend to be too soft hearted. But i hope if i dont pressurize them in doing whatever my sil wants then there should be no major difficulties for them.

My fiance is supportive and is trying his best to understand my thinking but he says it will be an endless attempt to hope his siblings or family members will do as much as effort he will do for me. This is also something i had told him regarding my siblings who tend to misunderstand him.

A relationship between ppl from different background is not easy but very possible if you want it from heart

44

Re: pakistani born and gifts

Op, if Sil and Bil have always acted "chaval," I don't think it's wise to get such folks "used to" getting birthday gifts every year or to create any other patterns that you'll have to "keep up "with. Khair after marriage, your fiance can take up that annual responsibility

45

Re: pakistani born and gifts

They sounds really lalchi log.I only ask for fresh liquor chocolates and cigars, Thats it!

46

Re: pakistani born and gifts

Sad.

47

Re: pakistani born and gifts

I did not read all of the thread so this might have answered already but you said you have a great understanding with him so did you talk to him about this? and when I say talk, you really don't have to talk aggressively as if you want to 'fix' it but for a discussion that how you find it odd. (dont ask him WHY they do this...that really is not a answerable question)

If this habit of their bugs you a lot, you better talk to him before marriage because this might just be one of many other Pakistani things that you will not appreciate in them. Unfortunately, this is pretty common in Pakistan to let down other on the basis of what "gift" you get or no-get.

PS: One of "aunty jee" we know has a habit of saying "aray wo jo XXXXX tum nai di the, wo tu main nai masi ko dai di" to almost any gift. My wife is always like "you heard what she said" and I am like "chaloo masi ka bhala ho raha hai duaeen dai gi tum ko" :)

48

Re: pakistani born and gifts

Yes, it's quite a common thing. I have experienced people complaiing about my gifts and it's worse with in laws. However, the fact that you posted this issue does show that it bothers you. There is a difference of mentality here and your in laws will let you "have it" when you move there permanenly. Think if it's in your best interest to move to Pakistan.

49

Re: pakistani born and gifts

Next time gift something to the maasi and not the aunty. Known fact: Whenever u give someone a gift that they have to pass onto someone else for u they will fall in love with that gift. Gift giving simplified.

50

Re: pakistani born and gifts

Op I have an idea (from my idea above). Send a set of gifts for another family thru ur in laws. They will definitely love those gifts (I'm telling u they will). Thats when u offer the switcheroo. U tell ur fiancé k oh really they like that stuff, sure I have no prob, they can keep those gifts and give the other family what I sent for my in laws. Problem solved.

51

Re: pakistani born and gifts

^I know we’re urged to think well of others, but I wouldn’t be surprised if along with “loving” the gifts that Paris sends for another family, her in-laws will also remark how she sends them better gifts than us or something along those lines. I feel that’s too much work. My personal stance is to keep a polite distance from such relatives and to decrease emphasis on material things. If they complain about the gifts she sends them, she can give them a guilt trip by saying that she picked it out with so much love and affection and yaqeen that they’d like the gift and she’s hurt that they found the gift offensive. She can then sweetly apologize to them for offending them and say, “Relationships are to valuable to me and I cannot let material things or cheezain strain them. From now I won’t allow cheezain/gifts to hurt relationships.” I wonder how they’d respond then. :halo: “Oh nahi nahi…ab aisa to na karain jee, ab aap ka agar itna dil karta hai geefut bhejnay ko, to hum kaun hotay hain jee aap ki khushi main rukaawat daalne walay.” :hehe:

52

Re: pakistani born and gifts

OP is strange, at one side she says: she has no problem of money and she want to continue etc etc. and at the other end she get hurt form their comments.
I must say, OP is just letting her frustration out. She is not totally happy but pretending to be.
If Op wants this relation to continue, then she should find shoulder to cry, she has to except becoz she want to. Best option is to linger this relation to see more aspects of her in-laws to come out. We all can tell her by one or other experience.
Since Op relatives are now became in-laws so they are more superior than her family (thats pakistani culture), next ting is u all are raised in abroad so here ur in-laws now how much u must have (whether u have or not) so give n give n give , whatever they want (if u want to continue dear)
If ur fiancée is not taking ur side at this time then get ready for worse after shadi, becoz they know after shadi "ab tu larki pori hath me agai hai, ab larki bhi de gi n oski family bhi".
Thats all practical things happening in pakistan. So good luck for future dear.
Its ur life and ur decision.

53

Re: pakistani born and gifts

Of course..money and feeling are not related! At least for me. If they had never commented on gifts sent then would i have been hurt? Would i have stop sending birthdays gifts?..no..

My post was in the aim to see if anyone had experience such behaviour from relatives in pakistan as it appeared to me that it seemed common. And i got some good advices on how to deal with it and not let it get to heart.

For all those who have judged the relationship instead of reading properly into my post, i can only only say : do.not jump to conclusions. And never doubt a relationship because of a third party (ie in laws).

This topic can be closed if needed and i shall start a new topic debating the factors that would lead to end a relationship.

54

Re: pakistani born and gifts

WOW, our relatives in PAK do not do this.
Man, the audaity of some people. Stop giving them gifts, that'll teach them a lesson!

55

Re: pakistani born and gifts

Like many people have already said, this is a very common attitude in Pakistan. It's as if they assume everyone living in the west must be incredibly wealthy and therefore they expect to receive expensive gifts and plenty of them. Pakistanis in the west only make the matter worse by going along with it. Instead of saying "No", they keep on giving into their demands and getting themselves into debt.

It always starts off with smaller gifts, clothes, watches, that sort of thing but before you know it they're asking for cameras and Xboxes... no matter how much you give them, they're still not happy!

Friends of my parents have been through something similar. Their daughter married a guy from Pakistan and they went through the whole ordeal of buying lavish gifts for practically all of the boy's extended family. After the marriage the girl went to live in Pakistan with her new husband. Even though the guy works, they still keep asking the girl's parents for money for all sorts of reasons, because they need a new car or stuff for the kitchen or new furniture, it's never ending. Even when the couple come to England to visit, her parents are expected to pay for the flights AND all the gifts they take back to Pakistan!

Her parents are always complaining about it but they say they have to go along with it otherwise it will make life difficult for their daughter who's stuck over there with her In-Laws.

Personally if I was you I would cut my losses and walk away. However, it's your life, your choice. If you choose to marry him, then just be ready to expect more of the same. At the moment what you're experiencing is mainly from a distance, when you're living with him you'll be getting this directly, face to face from his In-Laws. Will you be able to deal with that? Are you prepared to say No to them?

Ideally you need to put some distance between you and his family, it would be better in the long term if he moved to whichever country your family live in. That way he could see for himself that, contrary to popular belief, the streets aren't actually paved with gold!

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you all the best. Good Luck.

56

Re: pakistani born and gifts

parisbynight believes her situation is different. little does she know that our nadz also married her pakistani born cousin and thought things would turn out okay because they had an 'understanding'.

He won't need you to sponsor him then. In fact, if he's got a job lined up it'd probably be easier for him to get a work visa. The spouse visa route now takes 10 years to residency and you have to apply for an extension every 2.5 years. You better be 100% sure he's going to get that job if you sponsor him, otherwise you WILL be financing him if you want to keep him here.

57

Re: pakistani born and gifts

Yes.the start of my story similar to nadz..i spent 3 days reading all her posts from.start to now.

She married a guy who was clear that he would not want to live in the uk. Yet she agreed of her own will. However, ever since then she tried and 'manipulated' with her behaviour towards him.and and his family to bring him to the uk. He did and did not work. Now she is resentlfull as she agreed to his condition with the thought in mind that she will succeed into bringing him. now she complains she isnt happy. I have seen too many girls do that it i dont understand why they said yes in the first place.

Now coming to my situation..i said yes to this rishta on the terms that we will only live in pak. When we got engaged, i was already on my first accountacy job and he had no job despite a good degree and masters. But i kept faith. A year and half later, he is now working for kpmg in pakistan as an it consultant and recently got offer a job transfer to london and paris. It wil only be for 15months or so. And then we will go back as i promised.

I dont need to sponsor him as he got a work visa. He has done multiples visits to europe and uk.

by the time i finish my chartered accountancy and qualify..we will go to pak and hopefully i will use his contacts to get a job there

life is all about the faith you have in yourself ,in your partner and in your parents blessings.
your life is what you make into.

Little worries here and there will happen..in laws issues...locations issues...but non are that important that you decide to cry about it every day.And if these are important to you, then you should decide before getting into a relationship

Of course, what exactly happens in the future is not completly in my hands

58

Re: pakistani born and gifts

Yes i am learnt to be firmed and ignored the gifts request ever since i got engaged. I send when i want. I never gave in giving gifts but i agree i had let sil n bil comments affect me. Now im trying to ignore and move..they will never be happy anyways on this matter. I d rather have s gud conversations with them.on other matters

59

Re: pakistani born and gifts

This isn't only happening with family living in the west and marrying off in Pakistan. There are families in Pakistan that demand stuff (gifts, money, household items...) from the girls parents living in Pakistan. I know a family I. Which the girls family sends over groceries for the whole Ramadan...and the guys family is very capable of buying their own groceries but want the girls family to support them. Oh and this was a love marriage the girl had known the guys for 8 years prior tot the wedding.