pakistani born and gifts

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: pakistani born and gifts

It's best to talk to your fiance and explain to him in a manner that he would understand (without being offended) that these actions are hurting you and your family and to devise a strategy together to make things better.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

if you have a strong relationship, then you need to talk to him before you get married.

the question here is not just what you will have to deal with as far as yip yap about what they are not getting from your family and how it may position you....but what the expectations will be on your family to continue with gifts, and the burden on them based on expectations of frequency and magnitude of the gifts.

23

Re: pakistani born and gifts

Sure i will talk to him again
on this topic.

Last time i mentioned it,he wasnt impressed as much as he could not understand what was wrong in asking as we are cousins. Still he apologized from.sibling side and said he will explain them not to ask me for things. I requested him not to mention anything now
and we agreed that we had different opinions on this matter so there was no point bragging about it.

24

Re: pakistani born and gifts

greedy people are never satsified. i think they are just getting spoiled. time to stop giving them anything. what are they giving you in return other than ungratefulness?

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

This is unfortunately the typical middle class mentality that I have heard of too often! A friend of mine was engaged to a guy in Pakistan where him and his family behaved the EXACT same way in which you are describing. To a point where her ex fiancé's birthday was coming up and he said to my friend "are you sending me a laptop for my bday?" (I KID YOU NOT!). There was always some sort of expectation on their end from everyone from the fiancé to her nand to her MIL and they were never happy, despite doing nothing in return. To make a long story short, my friend and her family broke the engagement because you cannot change the thinking of these type of people. If I were you, I would think VERY carefully whether you want to proceed or not. These are all warning signs and especially if they are accustomed to getting everything (to the point of outright asking for it and/or complaining when they don't get it), it will become very difficult.

26

Re: pakistani born and gifts

Paris,

I am curious. How did the guy's family react when your parents told them they never saw a gift from his side? Did the apologize? Did they become more humbled? Did they stop their complaining? Or did they give you an even worse attitude? If his side truly believes that there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing gila-shikwa openly amongst family.....then they should have been open to hearing complaints from your parents. It's only fair. I don't know if this question has been answered already and if so, then I've overlooked it. But tell me how they reacted because I am very curious about it.

If the response they gave to your parents reflected arrogance or rudeness as opposed to being humbled and apologetic........then you have a bigger problem on your hands than just greed. That greed is compounded by an attitude of arrogance, self-entitlement, and ego. Respect and give and take should both be mutual in a relationship. Based on what you've shared, neither of those appear to be mutual....or it's lacking from his side.

I agree with X2. I don't have a good feeling about this rishta. If what you've shared is an objective and unemotional account, then I think you need to reconsider this rishta.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

**
If I catch someone with their hand in my pocket he will likely have a differnce of opinion with me also.

28

Re: pakistani born and gifts

I have some relatives we take gifts for and hear complaints in return. "You could have bought more chocolates because they're so expensive or we get these in Pakistan too, you know" Not only are we spending so much money on tickets, but buying gifts is very costly as well. You can look to spend another $500 at least! If you're still going to get complaints, then it shows the class of that person.

Of course, it bothers me but I don't let it ruin my trip. Stop taking it to your heart, hun, they're not worth it. If your fiance makes a fuss, tell him you always try to gift the best you can. If they cannot still appreciate it, ask them to send me a list next time and I'll buy exactly that.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

And if they're greedy, you'll never get out of it. You're in the situation so I think you should be able to make a better judgement. Do they just have no manners or are they simply greedy? Even rich people can be extremely demanding and make a fuss over the tiniest detail.

30

Re: pakistani born and gifts

Wowwww! Your going to move in with hiS family? If thats a permanent arrangement then good luck to you! Because if the two of you were to come and live in the UK or USA or wherever you live then atleast you wouldnt have to constantly deal with greedy and unappreciative relatives since the two of you would be far away from them. I feel sorry for you if youre going to move in with that lot permo since they can very easily tell you whether they like their gifts or not and make abundant amounts of orders on what they want from you next like your made outta money.

I suggest you start ignoring them now and carry on giving whatever it is YOU want to give them. Some people are like that, always wanting more and more and never stopping to truly appreciate the efforts the gift giver has gone through. Have a back bone and stop feeling bad about it, try and get used to the fact that some people are just like that.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

If he thinks that you do "ehsan" for small gifts, then express your concerns in a way that it doesn't sound like a complaint or accusation. Tell him that "I know the gift I sent was small. I know it's not a house. But I bought that gift with so much love and care and with the belief that your (mami, chachi, phoopi, tayi, 3rd cousin twice removed, unborn child of of distant aunt, chauffeur, maasi, parosan......insert relation) would also like the gift and it hurts me to hear my gifts being criticized no matter how small they are. I don't even care if a person doesn't thank me, I don't expect them to give me a gift in return even, but at least don't criticize it. If the gift is that bad, then they can pass it on to some relative or friend that could use it."

^What if you worded it like that? Would he still be upset? As Soconfused said earlier..maybe they criticize your gifts out of jealousy or insecurity.

If you reeeeeeaaaalllllly wanna marry into this family, then maybe it might be better for you to not expect him to "talk" to his family about their behavior. I doubt that people who get insecure and rude over gifts would tolerate your fiance giving them a lesson or even a gentle reminder on manners and etiquette. If they think they're above the gifts you send them, then maybe they'll think they're above receiving admonishments about their behavior. If today they're backbiting....yes it's backbiting...to your fiancee about the gifts you gave, then tomorrow they could complain about your words/actions, etc. You are already getting a glimpse of their attitude before the shaadi, so again, if you want to marry into this family.....you have to pick and choose your battles and let some obnoxious behaviors slide. If you already know that his family lacks flexibility, then you will have to stop expecting them to change in order to maintain your sanity if you're gonna marry him.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

Agree, and it's better if you sort this out before you marry him.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

Yikes. His folks will take full advantage of that offer. Here, lemme put an ipad on that list too…I think it’ll match with the Rolex watch that I put down as item number # 99 on my wish list. :stuck_out_tongue:

That would be giving them too much power and setting yourself up for much pressure. And if people are hell-bent on trashing your gifts, they will trash them even if you get them exactly what they want. I think OP should suggest this “wish list” strategy after she marries this guy…because then he can buy all those gifts for his family from his own money. Heck…she should hand over the list to her husband and have him deal with buying them. And then when giving the gifts, she should tell his family “My husband got these gifts for you all.” Better yet, she should give the gifts in her husband’s presence so that he will become annoyed with any criticism he hears from them at a later point. :devil:

34

OP youre not helping the situation by becoming defensive and say ohh he has a job lined up doesnt want finance from me.. Oh he thinks i do ehsaan on him by gifting him. His family treat me well.. Just dont gift them: you give what you can and thats it. Why should u have to keep filling their pockets! Pick and choose ur battles if you are sure this person is for you then uoul have to accept his family the way they are. Just dont go making them mors bog heaDd by fulilling thier greediness. Is this really a family you want to be in? That will potentially moan everydaythat u didnt bring enough gifts after ur shaadi

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

I wonder if your in laws put a lot of effort in selecting gifts for u and Ur family, and they may feel offended if in return the gifts u gave were not well thought out or appropriate.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

Sure i will ignore it and take it as sil n bil habbit. They have had the same habbit ever since we were young but i guess i expected them not to do the same after i get engaged.

I have thought about this rishta for years and finally i said yes.and he agreed as well. Our parents always wished for us to marry and could not understand why we refused despite the amazing friendship. At the end we agreed and were aware that issue like difference in behaviour from families would come...his sibling wont change for me and mine wont change for his.

For those, who mentioned why i become defensive of my fiance..it is because the issue was never between us .. It is between my family and his..his sister n brother espc. The mil and fil havnt spoken on all this till now. However, my sil was always my father fav niece and so her words always leave extreme importance in our house.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

I wish i could say that to them. We have different choices but i would never critisize their gifts and my parents would be extremely upset with me if i did.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

I think the issue will just escalate after marriage, if this is what they r like now what will they b like after?. Their expectations will just get higher n it isn't fair on ur parents. It is so hurtful when u have spent time n effort n money to choose gifts n they r not appreciated. U should just buy cheap gifts in the sale, they won't know any better!!

But seriously, I would have a long hard think about continuing with this risha, u can't change people's mentality, n I think it will just put unnecessary strain on ur marriage. Making a marriage work takes a lot of work n effort without silly issues like this adding more pressure.

R u going to b moving to Pak after marriage?

39

Re: pakistani born and gifts

I will return for 2 years until his job contract is over. In the mean time i will continue my job as well.

We will then shift there iA.

I am not looking into ending this relationship at all as it means a lot and a lot of time and effort from us has been spent to make it work so far. Many more efforts and understanding is yet to be developed.

I will take some advices given on this platform,such as ignore and not let it affect me and not buy as much. The complaints from sil n bil will remain whether i buy or not. I am very strict to my parents now whenever i feel they give up and give more. Hopefully they will also learn that my happiness isnt in what sil n bil value. Both are in their mid 20s and like my dad said yesterday, just know that they are immature and i raised u with maturity so make sure u show them that.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

It's only going to get worse.

You can try all you want but this kind of behavior never changes. Sorry but that's how it is.

And when you say this you missed out one thing:

*I am not looking into ending this relationship at all as it means a lot and a lot of time and effort from us has been spent to make it work so far. Many more efforts and understanding is yet to be developed.
*
That one thing is money. It took a lot of money too and many more is going to be spent on them. I don't know how you're happy with making it work. Good luck to you I guess.