pakistani born and gifts

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hi.

I am a europeean born pakistani engaged to a pakistani born cousin. We have built a very good understanding mA and things are going well.

However, our disagreements are always related to me not understanding the way people live and think in pakistan and him expecting things that he consider normal but that i dont do.

One point that irks me a lOt is gifts giving to him or his family members. My father has always been very generous with sending gifts..thinking of each one and trying to please all despite limited baggage or income even. We have always chosen best gifts for cousins..khalas..chachi…items of prices and brands that would not even buy for ourselves…our shopping trips before going pakistan are always full of excitements from our side, trying to debate on gifts in order to get best according to person we buy for.

Yet.they never seem happy. Never say thanks without a gilla first.Why this gift? What brand is this? Oh my friend cousin sent him better frm uk..you guys have such a small heart…

All this hurt so much .

since my engagement to my cousin, the gifts we give always somehow become an issue. We gifted all but omitted sil husband..huge drama form.sil and we apologized and give gift…younger bil keep on asking why i dnt send him gifts as he is groom only brother…

my dad went pak first time after engagement…and he got my fiance a shaving kit and got gifts for 4 new born babies and my bil . He litterally could only take one outfit for him to wear as no more space.

Apparently they were not happy about that. My fiance dont say as much but i knw he expected more. They all love being gifted and its normal but it seems that just bcz dad is from the uk…they are expecting so much from him

My sibling or parents on the other hand never saw a gifts from guy side till now and we had never even mentioned it until big drama happned from sil.

we have been raised to never ask from.ppl…and we never did. But my fiance says here ppl share and ask btw cousins n family..we do openly gilla from ppl n no family mind.

I find it so hurtful fr my parents who I always saw sacrificing their own things in order to afford for each member of their family..yet never appreciated

I used to love gifting them, but now it has become a burden…need to think 100 times..what if they dont like?.

how should i deal with this after marriage?

This difference among us makes me think my fiance and his family is asking too much and it makes him think that we are stingy ppl.

2

Re: pakistani born and gifts

My second question is...have you ever experienced this difference

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

Any advices?

4

Re: pakistani born and gifts

Are they not very well off there? I have an aunt that does this and it's because she has a complex because she's not as well off as anyone else in the family. So to make herself feel better, she likes to talk down to our gifts. I just think it's a tacky thing to do and would be a big deal if someone I was marrying was acting like that --especially the whole thing with your SIL making a big deal about her husband not getting a gift.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

Sadly, this is more common than you think.

I don't care how people do in it Pakistan or anywhere else, it is simply rude and speaks of very poor manners, ikhlaq and adaab.

The thing is that your relatives, (it applies to my relatives too) assume that since one lives in the Uk, USA, Timbucktu, they all have money plants, pots of gold and and an abundance of cash lying around. I don't think it occurs to people that you have a certain income and a budget to maintain.

There is no joy in gift giving. It is a burden now. Even i feel it.

The real stooges here are your fiance and his family. They are taking it for granted and you will only keep on giving. Either your family stop giving, or you give whatever you can, without wondering whether they approve or like it. If they are like that now, and have always been like that, well a leopard does not change its spots.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

My in laws are..my sil married into a richer family than her parents

For them its normal that we give and they have all guts to ask things as we are family.

My fiance does nt understand either..he doesnt ask as such but he understand his family reaction.

He did aplologize on his sibling behalf but explained that when the sil got married , her in laws gave special treatment to them..and always gift them...

So i did say....we are girl side now so why they dont do same but instead expect from us

This situation upset me a lot because he ends up thinking i do ehsan of small gifts and make it look like i gifted a house..

7

Re: pakistani born and gifts

Exactly.
When his sister got married, they expected gifts from her husbands family....and now that he is getting married, they are expecting gifts from you. Seems like they want to be the perennial gift-getters....the center of attention.
And I believe you are going to sponsor this guy to go to UK after marriage. Good luck!

PS. Its not normal.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

That's a warning sign. Those who show displeasure at not getting gifts can be a pain, the behavior may escalate later.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

Yes but he already got a job lined up .

The issue isnt that he expects me to finance him. He is more educated and got a high post in pakistan.

The issue is that the gifts giving.they expect and ask with no hesitations

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

I would say start thinking real hard and start lacing your running shoes while you are thinking, can he ever separate himself from this drama, If he is not sheilding you now, will he protect you once you have invested everything in him, I never ever asked my partners family for anything and they brought truck loads of gifts for my family and I respectfully returned everything back as I already had been gifted the most precious gift.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

Right i guess i havent explained this well

My fiance gifts me generously, i return on few occasions. He enjoys gving and receiving gifts. no issue in our equation.

Its the family equations that is strange.

His family will gift me on occasions, i appreciate at lot ,no matter what it is as i never really expect anything.

My family gifts him and his patents ,brother and sister +husband + daugther

they are family so we used to gift them anyways. All fine

issue is.that they will complain about what the family received ,in one way or the other whereas my family stays quiet despite never receiving anything

one one occasion i had send sil new born a gift pack.. But was told that as a mami i could have done more...which i had but i could not send it..so only send 2 items and kept rest to give my dad for his visit to pak.

I am wondering how i should deal with this?

I hate reminding them what i or my dad gave as it kills the point of gifts..but the constant complaints force you to mention 'hello! And what did you give exactly?'

I am thinking into an endless batlle of difference of opinion and upbrinigng?

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

Have a talk with him, at times, expectations run very high, both families feel as if the other family is the centre of their universe and live, talk and think only about them. If they also gift you generously, its fine, but if they are if the type that we got a rich girl bagged, now they shud finance us, thats a problem.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

you can't give people class, I am afraid it will get worse once you are married, you are seeing them at their best. You seem like a great girl, hold out for a man whose family will treat you like a queen, he is ultimately accountable for their bad behavior towards you.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

Guys guys...please kindly avoid the 'they want you to finance him' tag

we have been best friends from childhood and our rishta made our relationship very strong.

Differences are there,no doubts. But it has never become reasons for fights.

Since i am the one moving to his house, and adjust..i want to know how to be able to handle this habbit of theirs without feeling hurt.

ther than this, so far so good. They are friendly and treat me well as they used to before engagement.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

^^solution is so obvious, buy them lots of gifts, they will be unappreciative and say it is not the thought that counts, its the material that counts, then you run out and buy them more gifts, they will complain again and you buy them more, greed in some is never satiated, people who value things more than relationships are not my kind of people.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

If u have strong relationship then work on the issue after marriage.

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

Hmm ok then .

18

This is typical Pakistani mentality. Not just family but friends too. I have now stopped all gift givings.

Ask your husband this.. Why does his family never send you guys gifts?

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

They do send it to me...please read above.

Yes, the mentality around gifts is definetly different

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Re: pakistani born and gifts

get as far away from this guy and his family as quickly as you can.
You think the requests for gifts are bad now...wait till you get married..