Ok,
For ppl who are getting married the arranged way.
You have about 2-4 meetings before you decide to send/accept a proposal with the girl/boy and their families. The cumulative total hours spent with them are about 5-6.
We have already a list of things we would like in the person. Apart from beauty the rest are inner qualities.
How do we judge the presence / absence of these qualities especially in an enviroment where everyone is trying to be their best.
Qualities which we look for (as discussed in seperate thread)
e.g.
Love of Islam
Ikhlaaq
Humurous,
Easy going
Patient
etc
Ppl who have had bad experience are especially requested to share their experiences so we may learn what and which Red Flags to look out for.
It's a very difficult task and i honestly feel you can't really be more than 50% sure of the future prospects because meeting even 100000 times can't tell you about the person only living with them will do that. So its a big risk that everyone has to take...:).
I havent been through it myself but i have been to few rishta meetings for my brothers and i was always very uncomfortable. I dont like this process though i have nothin against arranged marriages but i think its better if they are dealt in other ways like if you like someone at a wedding, party, etc you can perhaps see more of their real self at that time.
But if it has to be this usual rishta process than i would make sure i note details as in how the person communicates. Being nervous and shy is different but one can tell if the person has an attitude problem. When it comes to girls i really think they should go easy on the make-up and try and be casual. Fine, i understand they would want to look their best but i think if you are simple but neatly dressed that would be more impressive. And i believe you can have the idea of the person based on how they speak and what they say.
Re: One of the most important 6 hours in your life....Evaluating a rishta
I think none of those qualities can be judged merely by meeting a person. You get to look at the person and the family, and gut feeling is all you have to help you decide. One should go ahead when it feels right, and leave the rest to Allah. There is only so much you can assess/judge.
Re: One of the most important 6 hours in your life....Evaluating a rishta
i am soon going to talk to this guy, to decide if he is the right one... Maybe its due to nervousness, but i really have no clue what type of questions i should ask him?... I know if he is the right one i would feel this.. but again i want to have something specific to ask him.. can u guys help me?
Re: One of the most important 6 hours in your life....Evaluating a rishta
BlackE - Dont make him feel like you are interrogating him. Ask the questions as if you are genuinely interested in his personality. Perhaps you could ask about his childhood, who is he closest to in the family, his future plans i.e. where does he want to settle etc. His job, very important one, what kind of work does he do, does he enjoy his work or feels like he should explore other areas and possibilities (which could be indicative of job insecurity), what are his ideas/preferences when it comes to life partner, stuff like that. Basically, explore his concepts - both religious and otherwise. If things do not fit together well, it could be a problem.
But then again, there is no question which you can ask to reveal someone's real personality IF they are faking it. Go with your intuition and pray that Allah makes things worth your while.
Re: One of the most important 6 hours in your life....Evaluating a rishta
^ Thanks Jaanwar, That was a great help... Im kind a feeling ready for the "talk" now, thanks to you guys..:D
Still keep coming with your ideas.. I need to be fully ready before i meet him...
The thing is Im normally quite ´"talkative" but in this specific situation i am totally lost...Especially because my family is neutral about the guy and they see him as a "candidate"... but the decision is in my hand....
And how exactly would you know if he is bullchitting you? Sweetheart it is not a job interview, pretty much everything is written on the resume in that case, and the interviewer - having several years of experience - can pretty much tell a professional from a tongue-commando.
In this situation, the lady doesn’t have much experience with interviewing people. These ‘interviews’ go pretty much on personal integrity and honor, and hence are high risk.
Either she goes with intuition and an educated guess based on her and her family’s assessment of the man and his family and prays that Allah sorts things out well for her, OR she could hire bond, james bond to spy on the man and see what he actually is about.
Re: One of the most important 6 hours in your life....Evaluating a rishta
BlackE - you are very welcome sweetheart. If it is possible to do a reference check on the guy and ideally the family, it could be a good risk management measure. Do keep in mind that there is only so much you can ask and investigate. Unless you know someone for years (in which case there is a moderate risk), the risk is always higher. If you are nervous, trust me the guy will also be very nervous. Just be yourself, ask whatever you have in your mind, see if things fit in together well. And do structure your questions properly so as to make sure that you do not make the guy uncomfortable and you are comfortable yourself.
Re: One of the most important 6 hours in your life....Evaluating a rishta
aaawww you are great jaanwar!
... Thank you so much for making me calm down!!..Maybe i should have a little "chat" with you before meeting this guy :D
I will try to "brainstorm" the questions and post it here... let me know what you think about it..
i agree with jaanwaars advice. and jaanwar i didnt know u can be so mature somtimes.
But obviusly whether hes indeed that or not you should expect for that he would be at tip-top mr polite, mannered man at the proposal visit. Dont get over-whelmed.
The other important thing is to truly assess his personality is find out how he treats and deals with others aswell as his and your family/relatives.
how does he behave at work/public/school
mybe u could find out whats things hes into, what public places or memberships he regularly attends:
i.e: a particular mosque, leisure centre, cafe, bar, nite-club.
you could go there and ask/check hows he behaves and whats hes like.
Its hardwork acting nice/polite. There must be some places/some instances where he bes himself. And this is what u need to see.
or maybe girl...if u have indeed gat a lot ofmoney...like jaanwaar said hire a 'private investigator'. He'll do the job for u.
But of course u got a ensure its a bonafide investigator etc
Re: One of the most important 6 hours in your life....Evaluating a rishta
^Amir if he is clubbing.. i am no way following after him to the nite-club and research futher..!! If he is the clubbing type he is already blacklisted...:P
