Marriage leads to changes in dynamics. Changes in friendships and the rest. My personal conundrum is that I have one female friend who still vents to me about all her personal issues even though I am married and well I really don’t care anymore to be frank. My wife is priority and my friend is good about that but she still unloads on me and expects me to listen for hours on end and then help her solve her problems. A shoulder to cry on is fine but some distance would be appreciated.
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
Marriage leads to changes in dynamics. Changes in friendships and the rest. My personal conundrum is that I have one female friend who still vents to me about all her personal issues even though I am married and well I really don't care anymore to be frank. My wife is priority and my friend is good about that but she still unloads on me and expects me to listen for hours on end and then help her solve her problems. A shoulder to cry on is fine but some distance would be appreciated.
Although I don't have any friends of the opposite sex I find it quite facinating that you 'really don't care anymore' about your friend. This would make me think that your friend was a potential partner and now that you are married her purpose in your life is no longer a priority.
If your friend takes up hours at a time you need to break it down to her that your lifestyle is no longer full of chunks of time to talk to her no end.
As for yout wife being your priority; that's great to hear. How is your wife about your friend talking to you about her problems? Maybe you can introduce your friend to your wife?!
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
If you're the upfront, honest, even-if-it-hurts-feelings type of person, you say to her whatever you just said here. That your wife is your priority and you don't have time to listen on hours and help solve a problem. If you value her friendship, you won't say that you don't care about her problems....but that you're busy with work, your wife, house projects, whatever. You can still try to meet her in a social setting (with your wife or with other friends) a few times a year.
On the other hand, if you're the kind who would lke to avoid any uncomfortable talks or unpleasant confrontations, ummmm I guess start avoiding her calls and messages.
OR if you're really just a little girl and have no respect for your "friend" have your wife take care of it. :)
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
Although I don't have any friends of the opposite sex I find it quite facinating that you 'really don't care anymore' about your friend. This would make me think that your friend was a potential partner and now that you are married her purpose in your life is no longer a priority.
That is interesting....but I think it's possible to feel this way without there having been any romantic feelings on either end. sometimes you have friends who just end up being a drain on you and your tolerance level for constantly listening to problems for hours and hours gets cut short due to other commitments in life.
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
That is interesting....but I think it's possible to feel this way without there having been any romantic feelings on either end. sometimes you have friends who just end up being a drain on you and your tolerance level for constantly listening to problems for hours and hours gets cut short due to other commitments in life.
Indeed I assume it's true (not been there so cannot comment from own experience). I was just picking up on the fact OP was stating they didn't really care much for their friends problems now after they are married which I didn't face.
As Sara has said if you are finding this friend draining maybe it's time to have a frank chat?
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
It could be either one, only OP can answer that (if he doesn't care because she was a potential and nto anymore, or he really is sick of her problems).
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
In my personal situation I have female friends who are married and who are single. When I was single I was happy to hear them vent their troubles and a select few would hear what I have to say. As they got married or got in serious relationships I stepped back a bit. Didn't discuss my personal issues with them and they didn't with me. Its an understood element that once you are in a serious long term relationship your priority is your spouse or significant other. My other female friends have understood this and speak with me regularly but its a normal conversation not a personal one. This one remains intact as if I was single.
As for not giving a damn. Its a valid assessment of how I feel. I have my wife, she is my focus. I worry about her concerns and what bothers her. Why should the affairs of another woman be an issue of my concern, ones I should sort out or give advice upon? There were never any romantic feelings on either of our ends. We have been friends for a long time and this dynamic of pulling back happened when i dated other women. For some reason it hasn't happened when I got married.
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
^ So how is this woman able to vent to your for HOURS at a time without your cooperation? Does she call you? E-mail you? Or is this venting done in person when you two meet up?
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
I get the idea that you don't have time for your female friends any longer - that's natural given the shift in focus of your life: your wife should be your priority. But to say you don't care any longer sounds cold. Friendships demands mutual respect, consideration and concern.
If this friend ever meant anything to you, you'll explain to her what the new boundaries are and your inability to give her a lot of time (although it seems from you, you can't give her any time) and she should understand the new state of your friendship and be respectful of those boundaries. She herself should back off and give you space and distance and not seek to encroach on your time with your wife.
If this friendship didn't mean anything to you, then ignore her calls and let it die a natural death.
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
....
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
i'm not sure why everyone's judging zafra for posting this..you guys are making assumptions like i.e (you must've had romantic feelings for her, you're not a good friend, are u secretly meeting up with her) he was single back then, so he could talk to girls for longer hours without any commitments. now that he's married his focus has shifted (which is natural for any grl or guy)...he cant stay up till 2 am talking to a random grl and helping her solve her issues...
i think its the grl's fault for not realizing that zafra's priorities may have shifted. he's not saying he wants to break off a frndship. he just wants to somehow distance a bit from constantly discussing personal issues. do you talk to her online? in person? or over the phone? ...depending on the medium of communication, you can start distancing yourself...for example dont pick up the phone and text an hour later, saying i'm sorry i was with my wife's family/doing groceries/watching a movie with my wife/doing laundry/helping clean up since wife cooked dinner...ya know? sooner or later she'll get the hint. and as you make more excuses she'll find someone else to share her issues with.
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
You clearly care about the friendship thus you are looking at ways of improving the situ.
Personally I think as your friend is looking for someone to unload on maybe you can 'encourage' a face to face meet up and tell her straight what you've said on here. Why should someone else's worry basically be the concern of your wife.
Not sure how your friend will take it though; although granted I think a friend in a similar situ should understand friendships can evolve when people's lives do.
Good luck!
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
We don’t meet up in secret or not. We don’t live in the same country anymore and our communication is via e-mail or via chat. The randomness is that I will log on to the chat application of choice and she will randomly start messaging me with her issues even if I don’t reply. Or even initiate the conversation. So her venting just pings across my screen as it if was Atom Ant on steroids. As for any time, its true. I have a finite number of hours in a day to spend with the wife and I rather not have it disturbed by pings on my phone or chat application on my PC. While wifey has been extremely understanding on the matter - its irritates me that she has to be understanding of the situation.
I highly doubt any of you married women would be happy with your husband’s old female friend constantly e-mailing or pinging him for relationship advice.
I do value the friendship with the lady in question but distance at this stage is pretty necessary. I will have a talk with her as it seems that is the only alternative. Yeah that by no means is gonna blow up in my face 
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
Why are you logging into a chat application when spending quality time with your wife? 
If you don’t have the time/interest in chatting with friend or others, why not just stay logged out?
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
It shouldn’t blow up in your face. The mutual respect and consideration that friends are supposed to have for one another requires that your friend be understanding of your shifting priorities - honestly, the friend of yours should back off herself.
That being said, if she’s a bit clueless, as her friend you should come out and tell her that you have less time for her. Those boundaries that I mentioned - be clear and tell her how available you are willing to be (once a month, less than that, an ear for only major/life-altering issues or just the occassional “how are you” email.)
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
or you can stop signing into these chat apps...i understand the internet is a big part of our lives and we love being signed into AIM, MSN, SKYPE, Gchat all at once 24/7 but honestly its just a habit. if you stay away from these for a few days, you'll survive and it'll help you distance urself from her too.
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
Me thinks you likey the attention.
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
Most people are pretty aware that friendships between the opposite sexes tend to change slightly after one person gets involved in a serious relationship/married. But on occasion one has to have the "Haii Anila, you know I have become serious with Tania so I can't give you as much time before about your issues with Sunny and Babli :-/ . Hope you understand yaar. "
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
Boy you women are nosy. The chat application is open so I can speak to my siblings, my work colleagues, my friends, there are a few dozen people who would need to get in touch with me. So I am logged in. Those conversations are also not an incessant level of pings that don't stop.
Basically you ladies are implying to avoid talking to one woman I should avoid everybody else and who may need to speak to me. That I should change my interactions with a large number of my friends to accommodate the unjustifiable actions of another woman.
Re: Once married whats the appropriate level of intimacy with female friends?
dudee...frst off all...turn off the sound on ur chat apps (go under settings, and turn it off) so you wont hear a ping every time she msgs u...then sign on and put up "i'm away from my computer"...all chat mediums have that option....that way you can choose to respond to the ppl you want to respond to...and for otherss its simple "cant you read my away message...i'm away frm my computer right now for any number of reasons...a frnd's over, i'm watchign a movie, having dinner".
dont call us nosy. we're genuinely trying to help you...but ur problem seems trivial...we ignore the ppl we want to without starting drama all the time.