Older guy...

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Older guy...

You said, if you say no, it's a no. So what's the problem? Are you perhaps afraid of regret?

22

Re: Older guy...

Well if this is what you don't want just let them know. You said your younger sister is married, well so what??. This doesn't mean they shove you to some 37 years old fella!. For god sake you're only 22 not 25 or 27. Take your time and get to know more people around you. Makes me very sad and angry that some desi parents go very low. Don't give in to peer pressure..ever!. You'll find plenty of educated fellas below 30 who you will be happy with!.

23

Re: Older guy...

i donno i mite be punished for being ungrateful and end up with a worse deal!

24

Re: Older guy...

thanks for the support! i do need it ...

25

Re: Older guy...

Well you also know that you have rights Islamically or even legally here. Let your parents know clearly though. I am sure they will understand and if they don't well too bad!.

26

Re: Older guy...

Such threads are so depressing :(

Redrozez.......in order for a marriage to be considered valid or "jaaiz"....your parents need to get your approval or razamandi. But your parent agreed to the rishta without even asking you........and if you don't consent....then the whole thing doesn't have any value.

But the thing is you can't put all the blame on the parents. What your parents did is wrong.......but YOU are not a choti bachi either. Jab k tumhay pata tha k rishtay ki baat chal rahi hai......to tumhay tab saaf parents se kehna tha k tum us banday nahin shaadi karna chahti. Moon band rakho gi to....how will that solve your problems. Some parents think that "silence" is their daughter's way of saying "yes"...and that's not necessarily true.

Tell your parents you don't want to marry him. If they don't listen...then contact the 37-year-old guy and tell him that you don't want to marry him. If he has any self-respect, he won't push the rishta any further. One one hand in the Parenting forum you read about parents getting "hurt" at the sight of their kids crying/hurting....and then you come to this forum and read about such cases.

27

Re: Older guy...

You know, at times its OK to stand up against your parents.

For us desis ( Ind /Pak /Bangla) , right from when we are toddlers we have things drilled into our heads. Like never defy your parents being one of them. What ever they do is the best for you blah blah blah.

Sure they bring us into this world , clothe us , feed us , educate us .... but then it was their decision to have us guys in the first place, right? So it is their duty to take care us. Morally, legally. And it is the way human beings are made , that they will tend more to the young than the old. So that the world goes on. And we will be doing the same and so on and so on.

Now of course in our culture parents are supposed to the final word, but as much as we love them and respect them, at the end of the day its our life. Marriage is a BIG BIG BIG decision. Its the second and final chapter in your life. Its going to be next and step , your home for the rest of your life. The way your life will be , who you are going to be. Everything.

If you say ur younger sister is already married and you are only 22, i can only imagine how old she must be. Was her's a love or arranged marriage. Are your parents pressuring you coz hers was a love marriage and she went against your parents so now they want to get you married before you do something like that. Or if hers was arranged and now they feel the pressure socially to get you married off.

Either way, I assume you're not against marriage per se. If you really really feel that this guy just isn't cut out for you, then you have to take the courage to tell your parents. Explain to them that your not opposing the marriage , just the guy. By all means they can find some else suitable enough for you. From what you have told us, i assume you met the guy and then made your decision.

Be adamant, strong and confident and calm. I know parents can be scary as hell. But you have to help your self. No one else can do it for you.
Tell them would they happy if they knew you were about to spend the next 50 yrs of your life crying into your pillow at night. Tell them if they don't understand you who will ? Tell then while you appreciate everything they have done for you, it does not necessarily mean they they can be 100% sure about every decision they make for you.

God , at time i feel sooo lucky. I have a mom who is my best friend. I'm 29. No where close to getting married. But never has my mother forced me into getting married. Probably because she had an arranged married at 16. My parents never like each other. They were just different people. And ever since i could remember they fought. They eventually separated after 20 yrs. It was difficult for my mom and us. Financially, as they got separated when my dad's business was like going down the drain, so i don't really blame him for not supporting us financially. Socially, well, you know my mom is the only divorced lady in our entire community, so you can only imagine !!!! My grandparents could not predict this would happen to my mom. At that time they were sure they were doing the best for their daughter.

However it does also mean that you could spend a very happy life with this 37 yr old. It just could be.

Personally I feel 15 yrs is way toooo much. Your thought , ideologies, expectations will be all be different. He will be dominating due to the age factor. He has been there done that, so he might not want the same things you do. Hell, when I was 20 all I wanted to do was go to clubs and party , go out with friends, blow up whatever little money i had etc etc, but at 29, I'm slightly more reserved, saving money for a rainy day. You are just beginning your life.

Besides , I though desis living in the west were supposed to be slightly more open minded !!!!!!

28

Re: Older guy…

If your heart and mind are not accepting, plz dont be afraid and say it to your parents. Its your right. Plus do istekhara and pray hard to Allah to help you deciding the best for you. HE WILL HELP.

also let the 37 yrs old know about me. Me and him can be a good match :hehe: Bring him to GS, will request the mods to hide this thread. We all gals will keep him busy with flirting/bashing and all, so he totally forgets about you :hehe:

29

Re: Older guy…

:frowning:

30

Re: Older guy…

^ aap ko kiya hoowa jee? oh kahin woh 37yrs old tum tou nahin … ouch marr gaey :smack:

31

Re: Older guy...

:D Here I am to save the day....wait no that the is the theme song to Mighty Mouse. I highly suggest you hook up with Awesomesauce or Riz.

32

Re: Older guy...

Actually aaj kal jaahil larkay nahin milte. Usually, you will find educated men. Its all about where you look.

Rishtay Allah miyan ki taraf se atay hein lekin saat saat Allah miyan ne aqal bhi di hai. Kaha hai ke iska istimaal karein.

Listen, when Allah swt gives you the right to say no...if you do NOT utilize it...you are being ungrateful. Because He gave you the power to help yourself and you didnt. This is much much much worse. You could have done something to be happier but you didnt do it. This is being ungrateful.

Girls get a ton of rishtay...if we started marrying out of murawwat and takalluf...then we are done for.

You need to tell your parents a final NO and tell them to look via proper channels.

33

Re: Older guy…

Oh my…I feel sorry for you. You want to say no but you cant because you feel you’ll be punished. :hinna:

You have to stand up for yourself, Our religion and the law , both give us the right to choose for ourselves and when we dont use our right we are the foolish ones and there is no one else to blame.. Parents can maybe emotionally blackmail you and if you dont listen to them.. maybe they’ll be hurt or angry or whatever but in the end , they are your parents, they will be fine with it inshAllah!!

Go ahead and say what you feel!!

34

Re: Older guy…

**kaash vo maiN hii hotaa to kam se kam jeene kii koii aas to bandhti :omg: **

35

Re: Older guy...

yup this.

36

Re: Older guy…

And YOU can give them TONS of examples of people who married OUTSIDE the khaandaan and are happy.

You’re so afraid of your parents giving you examples? Parents do that ALL the time with other things. Have you never heard your parents giving you examples of how some other son/daughter is really smart and does well in studies…or how some other girl is good at taking care of household chores?

You act as though your parents giving you examples is the WORST thing that can happen to you. And if you’re afraid of something that small…if you are that weak…then go ahead and marry the 37-year-old guy…because this complaint of yours sounds a bit silly/childish (sorry to be harsh).

Just complaining about an issue is not going to help. You have every right to refuse this rishta…it’s better than ending up with 1-2 kids and stuck in a miserable marriage. If you parents won’t listen, then tell the 37-year-old man that you don’t want to marry him at all. You do everything in your power to get yourself out of htis situation. Sure, your parents may be mad, they might pressure you, they may resort to emotional blackmail, but you have to remain strong. Your parents are not going to kick you out of the house even if they threaten to do so…they’d be too afraid of “laug kya khain ge” if they kicked you out…and they won’t stay mad at you forever. They might be mad for weeks, maybe months, maybe a year or two…but it won’t be forever. I think one of the problems in such stories is the fear that the parents will remain angry for eternity and I think that in most cases, they eventually cool off.

37

Re: Older guy…

If all the parents somehow come to know what khichree we make here and feed to their kids … imagine :halo:

38

Re: Older guy…

**
hahaha…they will daffo kill us but…just imagine if Talibans come to know about this…they will BOMB the GS with virtual GS population in it hahaha…we’ll all be DEAD MEAT! haha** :omg:

39

Re: Older guy...

^ you seem very happy and excited to become deat meat :-P

40

Re: Older guy...


**
i was excluded from the dead meats coz i'm the one who will inform the Talibans about this khichRee hehehe...ab vo apne informer ko to nahiiN maareNge na ;)**