Ok I am seeking justifications for my actions but

Chipotle · September 22, 2011, 6:06pm

but more then that I am looking for some insight from the guys here that what goes on in the mind of men generally when they are having certain expectations from a potential (Promise, I’ll try to keep it as short as possible but I do need to rant )

Ok so on my long journey for getting hitched I was introduced to a guy from some acquaintance who actually don’t know much about him, other then that he’s a nice guy and looking to settle down in life. So we started communicating via telephone chats and went a little beyond then knowing the initial details. He did his education in Paktistan and have been here in US for past 6 years. He is a nice guy and very focused on getting married so we thought to meet with each other for which he had to fly in (we live on opposite coasts). We met for coffee and spoke for around 2-3 hours in which he explained that he’s looking for some one who is very loving and who will make him the center of her life. I told him that I have no issues with that as after marriage your priorities change and your partner becomes the highest priority.

So we left on a happy note and planned to tell our families to take the initiative ahead. When we first talked after he reached back home he was in a very different mood and he started shouting at me saying that I was very rude to him when we met. I was surprised and I asked him what gave him that idea and he said that I didn’t paid for the coffee despite the fact that he had flown all over the country to meet me which means that I really don’t care about him. I explained to him that I assumed he will find it offensive if i’ll pay for the coffee being a desi guy and all that. khair we discussed (mostly him because when he gets angry he shouts endlessly while I tend to keep quiet and listen) for around 15-20 minutes and then he suddenly said that this was the same reason his earlier marriage didn’t worked out because his wife was not very loving and caring. I was shocked and I said you never told me that you were married so he explained that he only had a nikkah 3 years back without any rukhsati but when ever he spoke to his wife on phone she always seem so distant and cold the same way I behave so he had ended it in 6 months.

Any how so after getting over with all that we decided to give it another shot. So we talked a couple of more times. One day we were just discussing random stuff and he said that he never wanted to study further ahead as he considers higher studies a wastage of time and money (He has done B.Com from Pakistan) so I told him that if that point comes in during discussions with my family just say that you never had time for it, Please don’t say that it’s not worth it (My family is highly educated and more then that they believe on importance of education. Me and all my siblings have professional degrees and we still are in cotinuing education programs). This flipped him again and he started shouting “Tumhayn pehlay bhi kaha tha, it should be me and only me you should be worried about, not your family, not your brothers. I don’t want some one who is first thinking about others then me. You just want to get married while I want some one who can love me”. It becomes so difficult for me to reason with him on smaller smaller things like these (in my perspective smaller).

And then there is another issue (which I accept is my problem :S ) which is that I am not very expressive when it comes to emotions and being intimate. May be it’s because of the way girls are raised in a desi culture where any thing intimate out side marriage is condemned so I am not very open. I don’t find comfortable expressing certain feelings in words to some one who is not my husband. Espacially if these things are very tacky. Now him on the other hand is very lovey dovey and he’ll say things like “I can’t live if I don’t hear your voice/Tumhari aawaaz sun kar mayra aik kilo khoon barh jata hay aur tumhayn koi hosh hi nahin/Sweety I love you and I want you to only love me”. I just don’t know how to respond =|. Keep in mind that we have a 5 hr time difference and some times he calls me around 2:00 AM expressing his love and expecting the same from me when I am dead asleep.

So guys can you please tell me what kind of expectations you have when you are seeing some one as a potential ( I tried asking him that what’s his expectations from me and he said he’s not a teacher and I am mature enough to figure out these things on my own). Also what is the best way of communicating to him without crushing his ego or without sounding offensive

p.s. Some times I really feel like that something is not right with me, may be that’s why I find issues with every one I meet or keep meeting hmmmm I dunno wierd kind of people. If some thing is wrong with me I need to work on it so your honest input would be much appreciated

Gracias!!!

ZareenKhan · September 22, 2011, 6:22pm