Hello guppies! i need your help…here is the situation…
ive been seeing this guy for couple of years through college, things were serious and we wanted to get married, his family didnt have an issue but mine had major issues, primarily due to the fact that his family was very different from ours…fast forward to now, my folks have agreed, they are planning the engagement in a few weeks and they are doing everything really nice but i still know that they are not for this marriage…the problem is now that for the past few weeks i myself have been having doubts…major ones…me & him talk on the phone but its like we have nothing to talk about or if we talk in too much detail we end up arguing a lot…his mom is the sweetest thing on earth but the more i talk to her the more i realize she is so different…his entire family is really nice but i feel like im caught in a corner and i dont know where to go…should i go with my gut instinct and if so, how should i go about saying that i cant go through with this…
if you're already feeling that way. You should go with your gut feeling since nothing is official yet. Just a few weeks until the engagement and no excitement is not a good sign. This decision will probably be one the most important decisions of ur life. If you're having doubts you gotta let him know. How? that you're gonna have to figure out since u know the situation better.
But I would say dont go through just for the heck of it. I've seen people getting themselves into major problems because of that.
maybe its just cold feet before marriage. it is normal. you have been seeing this guy for couple years since college so were these things which you are seeing now not apparent then? i dont mean to sound suspicious i am just wondering.
if you do decide to drop this guy. then you should also first figure out whether you have a good chance of your family finkding ristha for you. does your family know a lot of people and have a lot of connections? if not you beter wonder whether you will be able to find someone else you click with like you did with this guy for some years before you decide to break it off.
we all have to deal with annoying things in life especially in marriage but it is better than not being married isn't it?
just my two cents.
i do not mean to be judgemental or condescending in any way.
i hope everyhting works out for the better no matter what you do.
my gut feeling is to tell him that we have drifted apart....but i dont want to do it in a hostile manner....any way where i can break this or bring it up in a amicable manner...?>
to haimeradil: while we were in college, there were ups and downs ofcourse but we decided in a way that after being together for so long we might as well give it a shot....but know the closer we get to making it official the more im feeling that its not right....ive met his family before....his sister is really nice but his mom is very different...not bad just different, i knew that going in but im thinking that its different being in a relationship than a marriage....
different in the sense that his mom & immediate family is conservative & traditional....i can work with a traditional family but both is a bit too much....not that my family is modern but we are i guess the best way i can put it is progressive....
so that worries you because he said you will have to live with them? does it worry you because he is very tight with his family and his 'different' mom?
anywayz people are different so i dont know how you should break it to him. you know him so i think you should think which method is the best. sems lke you are scared to tell him.
love isnt the answer to a lot of questions my dear - you need to be careful and cautious. My advice to you would be to do Istekhaara.. and then make a decision. If you know for a fact that ur parents might not be happy with the whole 'shaadi', then maybe sitting down with them and having a heart to heart would be better. Let them open up, see what their fears are.. it cud be that they are concerned abt the same things ur getting concerned about now too..
This is about your WHOLE life.. and iA many more lives that will join urs further down the road. If you dont think that moving ahead with this is wise.. then maybe sit down with your fiance and let him know. Tell him that u want to talk to him and that you feel that its iimportant for both of u to figure out a few things.. see how this sits with him. If he's open to a 2 way conversation then thats fine. If he gets upset right away and starts accusing u of things then u might need to open ur eyes and look at the bigger picture.. cuz this might just be the beginning of it all.. better to get out of it when u have the chance.. rather than going back to your parents, crying and them telling you that they had tried to convince u otherwise..
No butterflies ... ummm ... not a good sign ... Either take some time off from this relationship or find some one new ... who u can feel butterflies with ...
No butterflies ... ummm ... not a good sign ... Either take some time off from this relationship or find some one new ... who u can feel butterflies with ...
butterflies only happen in the begining of a relationship when it is new but once it gets a bit old the excitement sort of fades. but that doesnt mean that it is time to end it now does it?
butterflies only happen in the begining of a relationship when it is new but once it gets a bit old the excitement sort of fades. but that doesnt mean that it is time to end it now does it?
Well if its a love marriage and ur not feeling it than its a problem ... isn't it ??? and plus she is not even married yet. I guess some initial passion should be there to push the engine ...
If you have already been together for a long time before marriage, you were probably experiencing each other's company in the context of a relationship...marriage is a totally different ballgame.
I would say go with your gut...its obviously trying to tell you something.
In this case, there really is no way to part on friendly terms. Is the guy sensitive? Try talking to him and see if he feels the same way. Tell him you have been noticing things have been a little off lately and does he feel the same way?
Hello guppies! i need your help...here is the situation...
ive been seeing this guy for couple of years through college, things were serious and we wanted to get married, his family didnt have an issue but mine had major issues, primarily due to the fact that his family was very different from ours....fast forward to now, my folks have agreed, they are planning the engagement in a few weeks and they are doing everything really nice but i still know that they are not for this marriage....the problem is now that for the past few weeks i myself have been having doubts....major ones....me & him talk on the phone but its like we have nothing to talk about or if we talk in too much detail we end up arguing a lot...his mom is the sweetest thing on earth but the more i talk to her the more i realize she is so different....his entire family is really nice but i feel like im caught in a corner and i dont know where to go.....should i go with my gut instinct and if so, how should i go about saying that i cant go through with this....
thanks guys
First of all, don't believe in any gut instincts. You have to find the reasons why those gut instincts developed and see if your reasoning is reasonable. Momentarily, it seems the love (or infatuation) that you seem to have earlier in the relationship has evaporated. Personally, I strongly believe, that once a relationship reaches a certain secure level, love is bound to diminish.
It is normal to feel nervous before a major decision, because the rest of your life depends on it. However, most of the things you have written are normal in any mature relationship.
All families are unique; even close relatives have many differences. So it is highly unlikely that you will meet a family, whose thought processes are same as yours. While growing up we get accustomed to our own way of living and at times start to feel that others' ways are inferior.
This is a decision you can best make with the involvement of your fiance. If there is love lost on the other side as well, then it is better not to proceed. However, if you are able to discover that he still loves you, it may help relight that dwindling fire.
butterflies only happen in the begining of a relationship when it is new but once it gets a bit old the excitement sort of fades. but that doesnt mean that it is time to end it now does it?
yea butterflies sort of go away but stronger emotions develop to keep the relationship going. I would say if you're happy the excitement stays. But in your case u say you guys dont even have much to talk about which means the excitement is gone as well. My fiance and I could talk about nothing and talk for as long as we want lol
these are all great replies!!! ive been pondering so much about this that im feeling nauseous....im ok with telling him that i dont think this is going to work but then i worry about him, how he will take it...etc....hes still an old friend...how do i deal with this emotion? sometimes i think i shud leave things as they are but then i fear later down the line things might get worse than better....am i selfish/mean for keeping this to myself for a few weeks?
im so confused :(
Aqua, if I were you...as hard as it may be or even uncomfortable...I would talk to him about it. He deserves to know this, doesnt he? But before you take that step...be sure about this because you dont want to play with his emotions either.
I think a lot of us are trying to make sure you just dont have a case of cold feet or something natural like that. If you know for a fact this is not the right guy for you marriage-wise...dont delay it. If you are simply nervous because the nature of your relationship will be changing from relationship to marriage...then dont walk away.
First of all, don't believe in any gut instincts. You have to find the reasons why those gut instincts developed and see if your reasoning is reasonable. Momentarily, it seems the love (or infatuation) that you seem to have earlier in the relationship has evaporated. Personally, I strongly believe, that once a relationship reaches a certain secure level, love is bound to diminish.
It is normal to feel nervous before a major decision, because the rest of your life depends on it. However, most of the things you have written are normal in any mature relationship.
All families are unique; even close relatives have many differences. So it is highly unlikely that you will meet a family, whose thought processes are same as yours. While growing up we get accustomed to our own way of living and at times start to feel that others' ways are inferior.
This is a decision you can best make with the involvement of your fiance. If there is love lost on the other side as well, then it is better not to proceed. However, if you are able to discover that he still loves you, it may help relight that dwindling fire.
WitchDr is rightly said. from you post you are more worried about the family of the guy rather than himself. If you still love him and he loves you, than go for it. family things come into relationship always cause few problems, ie if he says/observe anything about your family that he doent like and vice versa. this cause feeling of resentment, like you cant imagine living with his family. ( very same word someone said to me once, caused a relationship break up, though i later found why she felt rightly about it, if she hasnt said those words we probably would have been together for good, and i still regret my wrong decision to present day)
so my humble request to you, ignore what you dont like about that family, more on how much you love this guy, end of the day every family setup is so different, concentrate on the real thing - the relationship.