not ready for marriage

Dubaiwali · August 21, 2010, 1:06am

Re: not ready for marriage

Nice post.

*** The following are just personal opinions and experiences. I realize that not everyone feels or does what I do and this doesn’t work for everyone.

Let me give you some background on my specific current situation. I’ve been with SO for a little over 2 years. We’re talking about getting engaged “officially” in the next few months and thinking of marriage in a little over a year. Age wise we’re both above 27 but less than 35. We both have professional jobs but I’m still finishing up school. He’s a M.D. and was still a resident when I met him. In the last 2 years, he has finished residency, went through fellowship, and is currently an attending. Both of our families know about “us” and I’ve met his parents.

Now as to why him and I are not married even though we’ve been dating for so long (please keep in mind that both my SO and I agree on the reasons below):

Both SO and I want a lavish wedding. My family is not wealthy. His parents are RICH. BUT SO wants to be able to pay for his own wedding and not have to depend on his parents. Since he became an attending a few months ago, he makes good $ now. But he needs more time to save enough $ so that he can have the type of “black tie” wedding he wants (as do I).

SO and I know plenty of people who got married while they were still school (one or both of the people) and the stress on the newly married couple was unbelievable. Specially in medicine, it’s hard to get time off if you’re a resident or fellow. I went to a wedding last month where both the bride and groom are still residents (both desi). Both literally managed to get 6 days off for the wedding! They had wedding events on 4 of those 6 days they got off…and then went right back to their “daily” life. No time off for honeymoon. They will not get to go on a vacation or honeymoon for at least 1.5 more years b/c of their “schedule”. The couple had their own reasons for rushing the wedding which is beyond their control…but the groom (SO’s friend) told my SO on more than one occassion that having to deal with the wedding issues while in school with their crazy schedules was VERY stressful in their relationship. And if the guy really had a choice, he would’ve preferred to wait and actually enjoy the experience. My SO and I don’t want to have those type of regrets.

It’s not about sex or “time pass”. Stable relationships (such as mine) are about companionship and starting the process of building a life with someone. Signing a piece of papers that declares us “husband and wife” doesn’t increase the above 2 points (at least not in my case).

The ONLY thing SO and I can not do (or rather, WILL not do) without getting married is have kids. And neither one of us wants children for at least 4-5 more years so that’s an an issue for us.

Its a bad idea to put a time limit on finding a partner for marriage. I met SO 2 years ago. Even though at that time I wasn’t ready to get married, I still choose to make him a part of my life. Assuming things are still going well once I am ready to get married, guess what…I don’t need to start a “search” or worry about whether or not he and I are compatible. I won’t even mention what I see in real life…just look at the multiple threads you see on this board about this. Girls who’re “ready” for marriage and are stressed about choosing the right partner b/c they need to make a decision soon. I see plenty of threads where girls met a guy and are wondering if certain things about him should make her run the other way (b/c they’re not in a position to get to know him for a long period of time). It’s very easy to “fake” being who you are for a few months or even a year…but it’s almost impossible to “fake” it for 2, 3, or 4 years. If a girl (or a guy) waits until they’re “ready” and at that time, wants to get married asap b/c they’re finally “ready”…well then they don’t have the luxury of time. They’re on a “deadline” when it comes to finding a partner.

Your question makes it seem like in all these relationships, it’s the girl who’s not ready and is putting off marriage. In a relationship, its BOTH the people who make the decisions. There are situations where the couple has been together for a few years but the GUY is the one not “ready” for marriage…and in those cases, the girl decides that the guy is “worth” the wait. I’m curious as to why you didn’t direct this question towards guys also. Do you not think guys date girls when they’re not ready for marriage? Or do you think every single guy who does it is doing it for sex or “time pass”?