Re: not ready for marriage
Me and him have been together for 4 years, and we plan on getting married in 4-5 years from now. So ya a lot of people think we're just dated for the heck of it, but right now our education is our number 1 priority. Everyone has different priorities, so just because you meet your other half, it doesn't mean you have to jump to marriage.
Re: not ready for marriage
if 2 people have decided to be "together", they should have a nikah. that's the right way. the only right way... in Islam.
that's the only way of putting the "halal" seal on the relationship. if they cannot live together etc right then, that's fine.
and dating to get to know people is a totally western concept alien to Islam. in the west people even have live-in relationships for this purpose, and even then get divorced later.
and waise bhee they say you can't know a person until you're actually married and living with em.
so really, you need to rely on how much you've already gotten to know the person when you propose/proclaim "love", and then just get married.
there's no concept of girl/guy relationship outside marriage in Islam.
Re: not ready for marriage
you are not ready to get married for another 4 5 years and yet you are dating, why? is it sex, or what??
if you like someone, who you have dated for a year and still you are NOT ready to marry him for another few years, what's the point of dating? i can only think of sex or time pass. is 1 year not good enough to know someone?
since there are plenty of girls on GS who have dated for few years, more than one person b4 marriage or currently dating (came to that conclusion based on previous threads/msgs), please share your view?
*** The following are just personal opinions and experiences. I realize that not everyone feels or does what I do and this doesn't work for everyone.
Let me give you some background on my specific current situation. I've been with SO for a little over 2 years. We're talking about getting engaged "officially" in the next few months and thinking of marriage in a little over a year. Age wise we're both above 27 but less than 35. We both have professional jobs but I'm still finishing up school. He's a M.D. and was still a resident when I met him. In the last 2 years, he has finished residency, went through fellowship, and is currently an attending. Both of our families know about "us" and I've met his parents.
Now as to why him and I are not married even though we've been dating for so long (please keep in mind that both my SO and I agree on the reasons below):
1) Both SO and I want a lavish wedding. My family is not wealthy. His parents are RICH. BUT SO wants to be able to pay for his own wedding and not have to depend on his parents. Since he became an attending a few months ago, he makes good $ now. But he needs more time to save enough $ so that he can have the type of "black tie" wedding he wants (as do I).
2) SO and I know plenty of people who got married while they were still school (one or both of the people) and the stress on the newly married couple was unbelievable. Specially in medicine, it's hard to get time off if you're a resident or fellow. I went to a wedding last month where both the bride and groom are still residents (both desi). Both literally managed to get 6 days off for the wedding! They had wedding events on 4 of those 6 days they got off...and then went right back to their "daily" life. No time off for honeymoon. They will not get to go on a vacation or honeymoon for at least 1.5 more years b/c of their "schedule". The couple had their own reasons for rushing the wedding which is beyond their control....but the groom (SO's friend) told my SO on more than one occassion that having to deal with the wedding issues while in school with their crazy schedules was VERY stressful in their relationship. And if the guy really had a choice, he would've preferred to wait and actually enjoy the experience. My SO and I don't want to have those type of regrets.
3) It's not about sex or "time pass". Stable relationships (such as mine) are about companionship and starting the process of building a life with someone. Signing a piece of papers that declares us "husband and wife" doesn't increase the above 2 points (at least not in my case).
4) The ONLY thing SO and I can not do (or rather, WILL not do) without getting married is have kids. And neither one of us wants children for at least 4-5 more years so that's an an issue for us.
5) Its a bad idea to put a time limit on finding a partner for marriage. I met SO 2 years ago. Even though at that time I wasn't ready to get married, I still choose to make him a part of my life. Assuming things are still going well once I am ready to get married, guess what...I don't need to start a "search" or worry about whether or not he and I are compatible. I won't even mention what I see in real life....just look at the multiple threads you see on this board about this. Girls who're "ready" for marriage and are stressed about choosing the right partner b/c they need to make a decision soon. I see plenty of threads where girls met a guy and are wondering if certain things about him should make her run the other way (b/c they're not in a position to get to know him for a long period of time). It's very easy to "fake" being who you are for a few months or even a year.....but it's almost impossible to "fake" it for 2, 3, or 4 years. If a girl (or a guy) waits until they're "ready" and at that time, wants to get married asap b/c they're finally "ready"....well then they don't have the luxury of time. They're on a "deadline" when it comes to finding a partner.
6) Your question makes it seem like in all these relationships, it's the girl who's not ready and is putting off marriage. In a relationship, its BOTH the people who make the decisions. There are situations where the couple has been together for a few years but the GUY is the one not "ready" for marriage....and in those cases, the girl decides that the guy is "worth" the wait. I'm curious as to why you didn't direct this question towards guys also. Do you not think guys date girls when they're not ready for marriage? Or do you think every single guy who does it is doing it for sex or "time pass"?
Re: not ready for marriage
if they guy sees that girl is not proceeding their relationship, why dont he leave her then?
Re: not ready for marriage
^^ how about give her sometime...
Re: not ready for marriage
Nice post.
*** The following are just personal opinions and experiences. I realize that not everyone feels or does what I do and this doesn't work for everyone.
Let me give you some background on my specific current situation. I've been with SO for a little over 2 years. We're talking about getting engaged "officially" in the next few months and thinking of marriage in a little over a year. Age wise we're both above 27 but less than 35. We both have professional jobs but I'm still finishing up school. He's a M.D. and was still a resident when I met him. In the last 2 years, he has finished residency, went through fellowship, and is currently an attending. Both of our families know about "us" and I've met his parents.
Now as to why him and I are not married even though we've been dating for so long (please keep in mind that both my SO and I agree on the reasons below):
1) Both SO and I want a lavish wedding. My family is not wealthy. His parents are RICH. BUT SO wants to be able to pay for his own wedding and not have to depend on his parents. Since he became an attending a few months ago, he makes good $ now. But he needs more time to save enough $ so that he can have the type of "black tie" wedding he wants (as do I).
2) SO and I know plenty of people who got married while they were still school (one or both of the people) and the stress on the newly married couple was unbelievable. Specially in medicine, it's hard to get time off if you're a resident or fellow. I went to a wedding last month where both the bride and groom are still residents (both desi). Both literally managed to get 6 days off for the wedding! They had wedding events on 4 of those 6 days they got off...and then went right back to their "daily" life. No time off for honeymoon. They will not get to go on a vacation or honeymoon for at least 1.5 more years b/c of their "schedule". The couple had their own reasons for rushing the wedding which is beyond their control....but the groom (SO's friend) told my SO on more than one occassion that having to deal with the wedding issues while in school with their crazy schedules was VERY stressful in their relationship. And if the guy really had a choice, he would've preferred to wait and actually enjoy the experience. My SO and I don't want to have those type of regrets.
3) It's not about sex or "time pass". Stable relationships (such as mine) are about companionship and starting the process of building a life with someone. Signing a piece of papers that declares us "husband and wife" doesn't increase the above 2 points (at least not in my case).
4) The ONLY thing SO and I can not do (or rather, WILL not do) without getting married is have kids. And neither one of us wants children for at least 4-5 more years so that's an an issue for us.
5) Its a bad idea to put a time limit on finding a partner for marriage. I met SO 2 years ago. Even though at that time I wasn't ready to get married, I still choose to make him a part of my life. Assuming things are still going well once I am ready to get married, guess what...I don't need to start a "search" or worry about whether or not he and I are compatible. I won't even mention what I see in real life....just look at the multiple threads you see on this board about this. Girls who're "ready" for marriage and are stressed about choosing the right partner b/c they need to make a decision soon. I see plenty of threads where girls met a guy and are wondering if certain things about him should make her run the other way (b/c they're not in a position to get to know him for a long period of time). It's very easy to "fake" being who you are for a few months or even a year.....but it's almost impossible to "fake" it for 2, 3, or 4 years. If a girl (or a guy) waits until they're "ready" and at that time, wants to get married asap b/c they're finally "ready"....well then they don't have the luxury of time. They're on a "deadline" when it comes to finding a partner.
6) Your question makes it seem like in all these relationships, it's the girl who's not ready and is putting off marriage. In a relationship, its BOTH the people who make the decisions. There are situations where the couple has been together for a few years but the GUY is the one not "ready" for marriage....and in those cases, the girl decides that the guy is "worth" the wait. I'm curious as to why you didn't direct this question towards guys also. Do you not think guys date girls when they're not ready for marriage? Or do you think every single guy who does it is doing it for sex or "time pass"?
Re: not ready for marriage
ehhh 
Re: not ready for marriage
lol your thread definitely shows you're a guy...girls dont really have sex or date just for the hell of it (at least not muslim ones) i'm not talking about your non-muslim american casual girlfriend.
You icicle1 are making major assumptions about American girls... not all American girls are easy... Muslim girls aren't the only type of religious girls who are chaste... I have Christian friends who are so hard core that they haven't even held hands with their fiance before marriage... yes, in this and age!
I'm not assuming that the poster is a guy based on that comment. I have heard plenty of Pakistani people tell me that dating means "sex". Most girls, even non-Muslim North American girls, don't want to sleep around. They just want to be loved. They follow what they see in the media of being sexy and think that they need to be sexy and/or promiscuous to be loved. They have it all wrong but know that really deep down, they just want to be loved.
Re: not ready for marriage
You icicle1 are making major assumptions about American girls... not all American girls are easy... Muslim girls aren't the only type of religious girls who are chaste... I have Christian friends who are so hard core that they haven't even held hands with their fiance before marriage... yes, in this and age!
I'm not assuming that the poster is a guy based on that comment. I have heard plenty of Pakistani people tell me that dating means "sex". Most girls, even non-Muslim North American girls, don't want to sleep around. They just want to be loved. They follow what they see in the media of being sexy and think that they need to be sexy and/or promiscuous to be loved. They have it all wrong but know that really deep down, they just want to be loved.
Agreed. We get pissed off when people make assumptions about us, so lets not make assumptions about others. And yes, western women tend to be more liberal then easterners when it comes having sexual relationships, but that does not make them sluts either. Most women, whether muslim, christian, jewish, atheist, american form relationships for the same reason: love and companionship. Some have sex and some dont. I say whatever floats your boat. And like many posters have explained here, some people are not ready do get married right off the bat. I personally would like to know the person I am getting married too. We need to have things in common. I need to know what his dreams and goals are and he needs to know mine. And while I have a good job now, I didnt just a few months ago. So financially speaking I am not ready and I would not get married to someone who isnt at least somewhat financially-work stable.
Finally, if someone wants to be in a relationship only to pass time or have sex (and trust me, most women do not), then so be it. You get to decide what you want for yourself. As long as you are comfortable with what you are doing and not being pressured or forced into it. I would say the same for someone talking about getting into a halal arranged marriage.Is it what YOU want? Then good, do it. And dont judge others.