So having discussed this issue with 3 relatives. They all told me they stopped breastfeeding after a couple of days as they had too many guests to deal with. I was taken back as I thought they would prioritise their child’s health and wellbeing instead of dealing with the countless guests my family/ rishtidaar get daily after the baby is born. These relatives all stay with extended family/ inlaws.
I I just wanted to know of fellow gupshuppers experience of this.
With my first child my own mother was against me breastfeeding as she asked how would I see the guests if I was stuck in my bedroom. I was unable to feed my child due to health issues and I wonder if I would have given into the same pressures my relatives faced.
Anyone who who had read my precious threads, il give an update and say that I am quite headstrong and WONT be going back to my mothers when baby is born. I will manage guests myself . My husband will be imposing a weeks restriction on cousins/ relatives/ aunts but not on immediate family so I can rest and bond with the baby. Thanks to all fellow gupshuppers who influenced my decision.
Re: Not breastfeeding as living in a busy houshold
Well, I applaud your decision and hope you stay strong! Can't comment on other people's choices in life. I personally either would go and see someone after the new parents have settled in or go for a very short time after consulting the parents! As a new mom, I would object to guests coming in at a short notice or excuse myself to nurse. It could be that the other mothers were pressured by family members to play host to the guests! In some households, the DIL is the employee with everyone acting as the big bad boss! You will be fired if you take one wrong step!
I went to see my hubbys cousin almlst 6 weeks after she had her baby (as my nan passed away the week he was born and i was really busy) and she breasfeeds she just excused herself and me and hubby were fine to sit and talk to her hubby and her young daughter. Im sure guests will understand. Its your home your child you shouldnt have to feel you cant nurse your kid how you want. I havent decided yet if im going to nurse or bottle feed as im a first time mum so will see once baby is born inshallah but if i chose to nurse i would just excise myself and go.
Re: Not breastfeeding as living in a busy houshold
No Reha, I'm based in the U.k.
I think it's more my cousins decided it was too hectic to nurse as they had to tend to guests/ make food. Could be an excuse, don't know. As my cousin recently said it was too much hard work but now said it was because she was too busy.
Im starting to realise we shouldn't complain about the way my relatives are when a baby is born, eg, tending to guests/ meals, being super busy etc. We have it within us to chamge ourselves and tell them no, we aren't ready for visitors. Please come within a few days.
The more I speak to girls my own age the more I realise that they have become stressed at that really important time when the newborn has arrived and have not been able to focus in the baby.
I originally posted here for advice as it stressed me out in a big way. But in real life it's actually quite common.
Change starts from within and inshallah I plan to prioritise my child and family over others.
Re: Not breastfeeding as living in a busy houshold
Okay judging from your previous threads...these "guests" seem less like guests and more like pests.
Why are new moms being told to tend to guests and that too by the truckload? Why is feeding taking care of a new baby seen as a bad thing and feeding imposing guests a good thing? This is very unusual and strange.
Sorry but this is very very unusual. I had a baby boy 6 months ago and while there were a lot of guests coming to see him I was not under any pressure to not feed him or cook for people. We had simple chai and nashta served by my sisters and mom. In fact, I can't remember anyone even coming at a meal time so we didn't feel like we had to serve food. People brought food instead so I didn't have to cook. One of my friends froze some things for my husband as well since he was at home and not living at my mom's place.
Re: Not breastfeeding as living in a busy houshold
I found it quite difficult to breastfeed my newborn between cooking for the guests and cleaning up after they left. Of course it's perfectly acceptable to excuse urself to feed baby but many times she would feed for so long that I literally said salaam to guests and came back out after they had left or husband would come get me as they are leaving. It made me feel rude cuz I never realized before how long a newborn can nurse. Such a tiny stomach and so much milk!
Thank god my husband is supportive and was happy to serve them chai/snacks and just provide company instead of waiting for me to take care of those tasks.
It also helped that most visiting guests were young friendly couples not old aunties who would mind that I did not sit with them or provide dinner bla bla.
Re: Not breastfeeding as living in a busy houshold
I've visited new moms so many times. And when I had my baby, I didn't even think about anything like this...was so involved with him I never noticed anything or anyone else. Or maybe I am not as sensitive as I should be.
Ladies...really sorry if I sound harsh but please drop the cooking for a little while and just take care of yourselves and your new babies! You need this time! Log, khana peena aur ana jana chalta rehta hai sari zindagi...but you never get those initial moments back once they're gone!
Re: Not breastfeeding as living in a busy houshold
for a culture that prides itself on hospitality, our culture is the worst when it comes to being guests.....I've heard of criticisms at funerals or not being served food when you go for afsos...this is the first time I'm hearing that one stops breastfeeding just bc of loads of guests. Pathetic people
Re: Not breastfeeding as living in a busy houshold
Reminds me of a girl I know who was having guests over while being pregnant. The relatives (a couple) informed her a few hours in advance that they were coming for a visit and would spend the night at their house. So this girl started to stress and quickly prepared for dinner and cleaned the house et cetera. Even though she was heavily pregnant, she and her husband had to sleep in the tiny ‘spare room/guest room’… in a single bed and her relatives slept in their bedroom. The next morning, after rushing around to make breakfast, the guests left.
She didn’t realize her water broke and her son was born the next day, 5-6 weeks early.
Re: Not breastfeeding as living in a busy houshold
Definitely do not deprive your baby for the sake of cooking/cleaning for relatives. Your baby needs you for the first few weeks and expecting a new mom to drop everything and tend to guests is unacceptable and cruel even!
I had close family visit often to see the baby when she was born 10 mos ago, but they were pretty courteous. They either came at non-meal times, or brought food with them. My MIL was staying with us and she would make chai/coffee. We had stocked up on mithai and other store bought snacks. As far as breastfeeding, my daughter would latch on for hours so I know the feeling! I had a nursing cover, and used it in front of guests I was comfortable with. Otherwise I went inside, and no one objected or felt bad.
Re: Not breastfeeding as living in a busy houshold
Good decision Baby bird… Adults should totally understand the needs of a new born… When my mum had my kid brother…no relatives came over… Only my Nani and her Bhabhijis to take care of her and my brother and she just rested… Have a fabulous time with the kid… She/he needs it most…
Re: Not breastfeeding as living in a busy houshold
Nowhere in my post did I state that I deprived my baby in order to cook. I simply stated that yes I found it difficult and had my husband to thank for not expecting me to be the good host we usually are.
If the point of this forum is to climb up on your high horse every time somebody shares a stress or difficulty, I can do the same by concluding that most of the above commenters (who are working mothers) in the past have shared how stressful it is to work and be a mom and therefore they must be depriving their babies by leaving them all day with strangers simply for money. That's actually worse than having to give my baby to her father for a few minutes to prepare food. You guys need to relax with the judgement.
Re: Not breastfeeding as living in a busy houshold
L
I found it quite difficult to breastfeed my newborn between cooking for the guests and cleaning up after they left. Of course it's perfectly acceptable to excuse urself to feed baby but many times she would feed for so long that I literally said salaam to guests and came back out after they had left or husband would come get me as they are leaving. It made me feel rude cuz I never realized before how long a newborn can nurse. Such a tiny stomach and so much milk!
Thank god my husband is supportive and was happy to serve them chai/snacks and just provide company instead of waiting for me to take care of those tasks.
It also helped that most visiting guests were young friendly couples not old aunties who would mind that I did not sit with them or provide dinner bla bla.
I totally understand where you're coming from as I was/am in a similar position myself. And it's not necessarily because the guests are expecting to be waited on or entertained, but I'm just such a hostess and perfectionist that i feel uneasy with just serving guests tea and store bought snacks. It doesn't help that most of the guest aren't local so I feel obliged to treat them with that much extra generosity as well as actually spend some time with guests who've made the effort to visit.
It's all very well advising new mums to just put themselves and baby first but we are desi after all and with that comes a degree of common courtesy. For me, part of that means that you're nice to your guests and don't ignore them when they've come to visit. My baby doesn't go without a feed or get neglected just because I'm busy with guests, I always have notice of their visit so I feed him before their arrival, during their visit and if need be there's always expressed milk that I stockpile so that I can sit with the guests and feed the baby at the same time.
Re: Not breastfeeding as living in a busy houshold
I think the only reason breastfeeding would be completely discouraged in these situations is if the new mother has no form of support from husband, in-laws, etc and they expect her to cater to all their needs while ignoring baby. I wish this was just an extreme scenario that's only depicted in tv dramas but unfortunately there's crappy husbands and relatives like this everywhere. This is why, ladies, please wait a few years after marriage to have kids so in case u find yourself living in jahannum, you can try to prevent bringing an innocent baby into the mix.
Re: Not breastfeeding as living in a busy houshold
That kind of thinking is actually part of the problem. A kid is not a freaking pet that you just throw some food in the tray and are done taking care of it. Each baby has unique needs and tendencies. Some kids might feed in 5 mins while others take 45 mins. This is where desi MILs use that "I raised 8 kids by myself and never spent this much time/money doing x y or z for them" so ur wife should be the same way. It's misleading the husbands to think the wives are using a baby as an excuse to be lazy. Babies need bonding with the mother and it has been proven that more contact with the mother actually aids development and cognitive functioning. So people should not be making blanket statements like it doesn't take that long to feed a baby when actually, it can.
