Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
Being a gori I dont have that issue of mehraam/non-mehraam. But I'm really not comfortable having guys over when my hubby isnt here. Its awkward and uncomfortable for me. I'm not the most social person to begin with and having to be around guys - especially guys I dont know - sharing a bathroom, meals, and life in general....that just isnt me. It isnt that I think they'd all take advantage of me or anything like that, its just uncomfortable.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
I guess I should have clarified that I do wear hijab, and my daughter has started wearing hijab on a part time basis. I don't think his cousin is a creep, he is a very nice guy, but it is not a situation that I am comfortable with. I have always been uneasy with the relationship I see a lot of other relatives have with the cousins and their BILs. I grew up maintaining a certain distance between my male relatives, we never hugged, the guys played football while the girls did something else, and so on. My husband and I do have more conservative values than his family, and we have had regular debates with them about cousin sleepovers and so on over the years. This family has been very helpful to them over the years, and they want to return the favor.
My husband told them that we were willing to find him a place, take care of him, and even help with his rent if that is an issue.
Over the years we have learned not to directly say no to my ILs, and instead take a round-about path. That is probably the crux of this debate - my MIL can't handle the "no". As I mentioned before, if they were in Pakistan right now, this would have ended in 2-3 phone calls, but since they are here.... I can look forward to a few months of drama.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
From the Islamic POV you are right and they are wrong...END OF STORY! You wear hijab....they need to learn to respect that.
why care about what they have to say....what they have to say goes against Islamic etiquettes. Let them talk all they want.........put your foot down (with a smile and all due respect) and do what you and your husband think is right in the end.
as a side note: let your husband do all the talking.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
My husband told them that we were willing to find him a place, take care of him, and even help with his rent if that is an issue.
Over the years we have learned not to directly say no to my ILs, and instead take a round-about path. That is probably the crux of this debate - my MIL can't handle the "no".
One suggestion .. dont over promise the rent part .. that is not your responsibilty .. thing is .. when you give alternatives .. sometimes it appears that you are in a weaker position in this arguement ... although you are not
If she cannot take no .. she is not going to take no, even if you take a round-about approach ...
It may sound ugly but you have to put your foot down .. this is your house , your priorities ...
If they want to return the favor .. they should do it at their expense .. not at yours ...
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
One of the husband's cousins is planning to come to the US to do his MBA. His parents would like him to live with us while he is studying. We told them no, because my husband is travelling quite a bit now, and I am not comfortable having a non-mahrem living in our home, but we would be happy to help him find some nice boys to live with and provide any other service.
The ILs, who are visiting now, have gone pagal, and are telling me that "he is like your husband's brother", "you are making us look bad", and my personal favorite "you have a dirty mind to think something could happen", etc., etc. Well, I would not allow my husband's brother to live with us either. How do you handle these situations without offening everyone. I have a teenage daughter as well, and just don't think it is appropriate to have him living with us, and I am sure that he would be more comfortable living with other guys his age. Anyone been in this situation?
Peace Sister amana
Let me first congradulate you to your attraction to Islamic values and may Allah (SWT) give you and your family wisdom and strength to uphold them.
You should also be aware that those who make decisions to become Islamic are subject to trials ... after making the decision to 'go good' it will not go untested. Consider this a test for you and your immediate family. So be steadfast in your decisions.
Initially let your in-laws know (as you already have done) that Islamic manners do not permit the living together of non-mahram and that Pakistani culture borrows its values from Hindu culture in that specific respect. If they do not buy this and accuse you of being "dirty minded", then reply with the answer "if you believe that I am dirty minded then you should not let him (your hubby's cousin) come here for his own safety and chastity, why do you (your in-laws) want a Pakistani boy to join a family where the woman has a 'dirty mind'? ...".
Say that even if he was your husband's actual brother then you would set the same condition. Going through in-laws is not the best form of contractual set-up because people are affected by parameters that are out of your control. You (your husband) needs to speak with the 'cousin' directly. Ensure that the 'cousin' understands your decision and life preference. He will be enough to convince his parents. Say that your denying his stay with you is not going to affect his coming over nor is it going to affect his MBA, also say that you were not consulted when his application of MBA was filed not did they ask about staying with you before taking that measure, so that it is an injustice to ask that of you now.
Also, instead of saying that you will be happy to help ... actually help them out inshaAllah ... do so in good time and find other brothers that are willing to share a place with another to reduce their living expenses. Get it sorted and call up the 'cousin'. Then you don't have to worry about the politics that go on in the background, inshaAllah.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
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Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
Peace Sister amana
Let me first congradulate you to your attraction to Islamic values and may Allah (SWT) give you and your family wisdom and strength to uphold them.
You should also be aware that those who make decisions to become Islamic are subject to trials ... after making the decision to 'go good' it will not go untested. Consider this a test for you and your immediate family. So be steadfast in your decisions.
Initially let your in-laws know (as you already have done) that Islamic manners do not permit the living together of non-mahram and that Pakistani culture borrows its values from Hindu culture in that specific respect. If they do not buy this and accuse you of being "dirty minded", then reply with the answer "if you believe that I am dirty minded then you should not let him (your hubby's cousin) come here for his own safety and chastity, why do you (your in-laws) want a Pakistani boy to join a family where the woman has a 'dirty mind'? ...". .
^
This is plain wrong ...
It is purely bad idea to go full frontal against Pakistani mindset. And Using Islam's yard stick is also not going to work because these pakistani in-laws are not going budge in. One KarRara answer you can hear from them :
*Jumma jumma aaath din howey nahi musalmaan howey our chali hai hamey islam sikhaney *
No offense to Ms Amina , You are right in all respects but you need to learn some politics. You need to handle this case you need to think like a politician.
Becasue you are in a delicate positions, dont broadcast the message that you are arrogent or too stringent and using Islam as an excuse for your un-welcoming attitude.
I say Dont discuss anything further with your relatives. Let him come over. Be hospitable and kind. Your husband should help him around with things and make him feel at home. Then make arrangements that he is able to settle at some other place. Let him be your spokeman after a while.
Please note an important aspect of pakistani society. We are generally very hospitable people. We feel genuinely happy to entertain guests.
Please dont give wrong signals from your end.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
^ This is plain wrong ...
It is purely bad idea to go full frontal against Pakistani mindset. And Using Islam's yard stick is also not going to work because these pakistani in-laws are not going budge in. One KarRara answer you can hear from them : *Jumma jumma aaath din howey nahi musalmaan howey our chali hai hamey islam sikhaney *
No offense to Ms Amina , You are right in all respects but you need to learn some politics. You need to handle this case you need to think like a politician. Becasue you are in a delicate positions, dont broadcast the message that you are arrogent or too stringent and using Islam as an excuse for your un-welcoming attitude.
I say Dont discuss anything further with your relatives. Let him come over. Be hospitable and kind. Your husband should help him around with things and make him feel at home. Then make arrangements that he is able to settle at some other place. Let him be your spokeman after a while.
Please note an important aspect of pakistani society. We are generally very hospitable people. We feel genuinely happy to entertain guests.
Please dont give wrong signals from your end.
Basically you're saying that she should compromise on Islamic principles, well this is what everyone is doing in Pakistan so why can't we?
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
^ This is plain wrong ...
It is purely bad idea to go full frontal against Pakistani mindset. And Using Islam's yard stick is also not going to work because these pakistani in-laws are not going budge in. One KarRara answer you can hear from them : *Jumma jumma aaath din howey nahi musalmaan howey our chali hai hamey islam sikhaney *
No offense to Ms Amina , You are right in all respects but you need to learn some politics. You need to handle this case you need to think like a politician. Becasue you are in a delicate positions, dont broadcast the message that you are arrogent or too stringent and using Islam as an excuse for your un-welcoming attitude.
I say Dont discuss anything further with your relatives. Let him come over. Be hospitable and kind. Your husband should help him around with things and make him feel at home. Then make arrangements that he is able to settle at some other place. Let him be your spokeman after a while.
Please note an important aspect of pakistani society. We are generally very hospitable people. We feel genuinely happy to entertain guests.
Please dont give wrong signals from your end.
I'm no politician and don't know these family politics that well, but from what you're suggesting, I only see it as being more difficult to rectify the situation later on. I mean having him move out later on will only be more difficult after he has made himself at home there, wouldn't it?
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
A guest for a few hours is not the same thing as keeping someone in the house for months at a time 
i’m sorry usually i agree with you but not this time :no:
And for some ppl arguing abt the na-mehram issue thnig..it doesn’t matter, even if it were lawful, if shes just not comfortable with it, shes not… i sure as hell wudnt appreciate it if someone told me some one was gonna come stay with me for months without even asking me about it.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
Compromise on islamic principles ? hmmm 
Lets see. Belly dance is not part of our culture, children dont grow up seeing homosexual life style as perfectly alright alternate lifestyle. We only watch indian movies. 
I am not asking her to compromise principles she holds dear. It is more on the lines of Saamp bhi mar jaye our lathi bhi na tootey …
Situation is still very difficult. Pakisani family politics is very difficult thing to master. But if you are in the middle of battle of tanks then you cant win it with sword and horses ? Can you
Just like this mehram-na mehram issue is important similarly Islam gives utmost importance to treating kins with kindness and Not breaking ties with them no matter what ( if you need reference from quran or more elaboration then start topic in religion)
You Cant hold one religious value dear and let go others. You have to try to strike some ballance.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
Oh happy burthday btw 
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
And? Are you assuming that I watch belly dance and bollywood and I let my children think that homosexuality is fine?
Well, lets see what she has to say on it.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
Situation is still very difficult. Pakisani family politics is very difficult thing to master. But if you are in the middle of battle of tanks then you cant win it with sword and horses ? Can you
Probably not. I don't see the connection though. What I still see is that it will be even more awkward/difficult for them to ask him to leave later on if they do allow him to stay for a while, unless they've made it all clear from the beginning. Even then things might get tense.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
I dont know how things will progress. No one can predict the future behavior of that guy. We dont know anything abt him. This is why iam advocating to go political.
A good polititian should be able to manipulate situation and turn it in their favor without damaging relations :k:
who is talking abt you ?:aq:
begaani shaadi main abdullah dewana ?
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
i would say "poor guy":(. if he see this thread he might suicide:o
what a bunch of crap
bunch of ABCs