Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
^i like tlk's advice.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
Are your in-laws with you permanently or is it just a temporary stay? TLK's advice seems pretty good. As Mirch also mentioned, you can find a place for him before he gets there.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
They are here for the next 4-5 months. I will suggest that my husband talk to him. I am sure that the guy would prefer to live with other guys as well, and there are several other single students that my husband knows.
As always, I am just surprised by how ugly these discussions can get, and I know that we will be hearing about it for the next few months.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
I think your inlaws could be acting like that because you're not paki and they are probably thinking you don't want to understand what their izzat is all about. honestly, they should be proud that you understand islam so well and would avoid any unpleasant circumstances.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
Well I hope it all works out for everyone. How much does his cousin know about it already? Do they want him to stay with you because he might not be able to afford another place comfortably?
FIL doesn't like our local imam. He's Egyptian, and a couple of weeks ago the khutba was about caring for your parents from an Islamic POV versus a cultural POV. That certainly went over well :(
What did the imam say and what did your father in law expect?
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
i wud say...stick 2 yr guns but in a respectable way...cuz ofcourse u wudnt want to disrespect yr elders or hurt them...i dun understand y cant they understand yr point of view?...any sensible person wud understand yr reservation abt the whole situation...i m really surprised!.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
just keep aside this mehrem na-mahrem issue and tell them its the matter of your comfortability and privacy and on a worst case scenerio, u may keep someone probably for sometime but not for long.
or rather just show an over excitement on his arriaval ... who knows that probably would push your inlaws to look for another place for him....
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
I don’t understand why you have to look at it from the religious point of view to win this argument (unless your religious beliefs are the primary factor keeping you from giving in to the family pressure). If you’re not comfortable with the idea, you don’t have to involve the entire family. As someone already said you can directly explain to the young man that you don’t like the idea of someone staying at your house for such long period, but you might be able to help him find some other place.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
Have your husband talk to the guy directly ...
if the guy has any self esteem .. he is not going to show up at your house
yup that is defo the best thing to do. DOn't talk 2 his parents talk directly to him. After all he is your hubbies cousin, so i'm sure he'll understand. Also he probz wants to stay seperately anyway, it'll be more comfortable for every1. His parents are obviously pressurizing him to stay with you to save expenses. Nevertheless u put ure foot down on this 1
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
i cnt understand y dat lad wants to stay at ur house so desperately! he shuld understand thngs himself as im sure he is sum grown up adult
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
Its funny how sometimes relatives who want something can adapt their cultural and/or religious beleifs to suit their needs of the moment.
If you arent comfortable, you're going to just have to state it plainly. "We arent comfortable with having him here but I'd be glad to help him find a place more suitable." Leave it at that. They're going to stew and complain unless you comply so you have to decide whether you can deal with that or if you prefer to cave in and live with the guy.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
I understand how stressful it must be. Have you met this relative? Is there something specifically about him that makes you uncomfortable?
I totally agree one should minimize their risks. But I've had so many na-mehram guys sleep over my home - whether its cousins or whether its a roommate's boyfriend or guy friend, or a classmate who needed to sleep near the school to get up for duty early in the morning, etc. Again, if a character is suspicious, I can understand...but if you know the person well and they seem safe, then I don't see a problem.
If I had a teenage daughter and my husband was out of town a lot, I'd understand the fear, but just makes me wonder what kind of a person is this cousin of your husband's that he's unnerved you so much?
For the record, my mother had 2 of her dewars liver with her and her husband, and in fact when he married her, she was living with him and 3 of his male roommates (unrelated). Everyone was very respectful to her and no harassment incidents. She would get in fights with her dewars occasionally, because she'd cook for them too and they weren't paying any rent or helping with expenses (they didn't appreciate all the housework she did for them - cleaning and cooking). Now, my dad would have KILLED them if they had done anything. But my mother had known the entire family since before marriage and so she was comfortable with them to know they wouldn't rape her or anything.
I know its weird. In Islamic culture, uncles shouldn't be living with the family. But its fairly common and accepted in many Pakistani families. How much of it leads to sexual harassment and rapes and molestations, is a different matter. Like I said, if something about his character is suspicious, then by all means, block him from living in your home. Otherwise, why not try it for a week and see how it works out? Maybe he'll be a good help around the house.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
I don't think it's about his character.. or what kind of person he is. It's more about one's privacy. Regardless of whether he's a brother or cousin or roommate, he's gonna live with them for atleast a year or so, during which she would be so limited in her own house. You have to dress a certain way, cook, clean and do things accordingly. It's like having no privacy at all.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
What? If anything, this cousin should feel uncomfortable. You own the house, you live in it and therefore you can go whereever you want. He's the one limited with his space. As for wearing whatever you want, I'm not familiar. I don't exactly walk around in a pair of boy shorts and a bra around the home, so as far as I'm concerned, if I have visitors over, I don't really change the way I dress. Now if she's a hijaabi or a niqaabi, I can understand the trouble you'd have to go through.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
well i am sure she wouldnt be able to walk around freely in pajamas or tank tops either. it doesnt matter whos staying at whos house- she will be uncomfortable regardless because come on, your house is just not the same with someone crowding your space for so long. even i get tired when my friends stay over for more than a day and i just crave for some privacy to lay down and chill.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
They are here for the next 4-5 months. I will suggest that my husband talk to him. I am sure that the guy would prefer to live with other guys as well, and there are several other single students that my husband knows.
As always, I am just surprised by how ugly these discussions can get, and I know that we will be hearing about it for the next few months.
I feel taht your husband is too nice to your in-laws.
I too belong to a very traditional family, where what the family says matters a lot. BUT, i can't imagine something like this.
My family can rob me of all my money and get away with it, but they can never, ever, tell me to keep someone in my house if i don't want to. If i was in place of your husband, there will be no discussion, a no once and thats all, no reasons given.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
What? If anything, this cousin should feel uncomfortable. You own the house, you live in it and therefore you can go whereever you want. He's the one limited with his space. As for wearing whatever you want, I'm not familiar. I don't exactly walk around in a pair of boy shorts and a bra around the home, so as far as I'm concerned, if I have visitors over, I don't really change the way I dress. Now if she's a hijaabi or a niqaabi, I can understand the trouble you'd have to go through.
She does not like to keep someone in her house, thats her right, whatever the reason. What's your
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
It's interesting reading all the different viewpoints on this thread. My dewar stayed with us last year when he came to the UK and before his wedding in the summer. He was with us for around 4/5 months. Now, before he came, I knew he was na-mehram, BUT since I got married nearly 7 years ago, I've treated my dewar as my little brother and have done more for him than even his sisters, and in fact he gets on more with me than his sisters or my husband who is 12 years older than him.
Whilst I wasn't totally comfortable with the idea of having him stay, it was because of invasion of privacy, loss of independence to do what I want and when etc because the na-mehram thing never crossed my mind - like I say he's my chota bhai.
THEN i read another few threads on here about the dewar thing and the knowledge I gained was amazing. Now, as he was already living with us and didn't have much longer to go until he got married, I didn't say anything, but conciously made efforts to not be alone with him - which only really happened the odd time at weekends.
Now, although I still love him like a little brother I have the knowledge that he will always be na-mehram. SO things like Eid and stuff where I would normally shake hands with him to say Eid Mubarak, I didn't do, when hubby was away for a month, I didn't go round to devar's house, or invite him and his wife to mine except with a others for a bigger dawat.
I think what I am trying to say is that Allah SWT has set out right vs wrong for us, and once we have the knowledge of what is wrong and forbidden, we are obligated to act in accordance. Cultural pressures are inappropriate and we are well within our rights to not give in as ultimately it is ourselves who are responsible for our actions and we will face the questions at qayamat.
May Allah SWT give your in laws the hidayat to see the error of their judgement, and may HE make it ahsan for you.
Re: Non-mahrem men living with you
^ very well said, MashAllah!