Re: No, you must not get divorced!
Saadiya you neednt look beyond GS to realize what people are made of and why divorce is looked down upon.
Left right center the world is full of retards. Regardless of how cultured they pretend to be. Deep down they are still arseholes who wont think twice before badmouthing someone just because they arent on the same mental level with 'em
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
If you are short-tempered then you should avoid getting in a longterm relationship with someone who is quick to slap back. It just DOESN'T work.
Nobody enters marriage thinking that they would get divorced. You should make wise choices to begin with. It's better if you know what kind of personality you can or cannot live with rather than knowing what kind of face, body, height, bankbalance etc is suitable.
I agree, if you are in a bad marriage then you shouldn't continue...however, it is important to do an unbiased analysis of why you can't continue before bringing up divorce.
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
Every woman has the right to divorce if she's not happy. Nonetheless, one needs to be open-minded about marriage. Marriage requires some compromise. If you can't manage that, then don't get married. The same people who will compromise for their children, wont compromise for their spouses.
And of course, in our culture, the lady getting the divorce is looked down upon. Nobody questions the character of the husband.
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
And of course, in our culture, the lady getting the divorce is looked down upon. Nobody questions the character of the husband.
well said
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
i think this is where we have to draw a line between a traditional family, and a non-traditional family. now by non-traditional i don’t mean that they have no identity of who they are, or they don’t speak their language, or practice their culture..not that type of non-traditional. non traditional in the sense that they just don’t blindly follow what culture has laid out for them, because their parents did, and their parents parents did it.
honestly, it all depends on our parents. if our parents are ready to stand up and say that there’s nothing wrong with being divorced, and support their child, whether it be a girl or guy who just got out of a bad marriage, then more power to them. instead of kicking your kids out for taking control of their life, i think it’s kinda pathetic when parents refuse to understand. we’re not living in some ‘gaoun’ 100 years back. times have changed, and our perceptions of life need to change with them.
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
good thoughts…but on the flip side we can’t lose sight of the fact that a lenient society will tend to promote a lack of commitment and people will then, as is common is western society, take marriage too casually. It will become easy to enter and exit a relationship without consequences.
we need to keep certain things sacred.
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
^...i'm not saying that we get a divorce on whim. and that our parents should support us ..doesn't matter what. when there is proof that the marriage isn't going to work out - that there are problems and issues between the two people that aren't just going to go away...that's when our parents need to step in and support us, because that's the time it really comes in handy (for lack of a better word) without their support and encouragement is because extremely hard to break out of a bad relationship, especially seeing the way our culture is...
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
Sucks for people who have dead parents.
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
^ if not parents...then family ...mamoun, khalas, chacoo's, etc...
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
People who have a dead family are up the creek without a paddle.
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
Interesting views and comments.
I thought I'd clarify it's not about me entering into a relationship with the intention to get divorced, nor do I propogate it. Just that I feel some women are in very bad relationships and are only in it because the culture, family, and relatives dictate it to us that no matter what you cannot leave your husband, else you'll be looked down upon in the society, relatives, and elsewhere.
Yes, marriage is about making compromises and adjustments, however, I feel in our culture only the wife/woman is the one at the receiving end. It may be good that parents and families intervene to make things work out, but some marriages just don't work out and only last because of how your very own family and society might treat you.
I guess the peace and happiness equates to family, relatives, and society seeing you married and keeping up with it irregardless of how bad it gets. Internal peace and happiness perhaps doesn't mean a thing or is something that could be put aside or ignored.
Then again I guess it can't be that bad. At least you'll have a roof on your head and kids to look after. I guess that's how it works for most people.
Muzna, I'm fully in accord with you on how it ruins kids in bad marriages. Very detrimental for their growth and upbringing. I wonder if it is part of the reason why many turn out strange or not the best.
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
Divorce isn't like a delete button, you don't just press it and then presto all your problems vanish and you get to start over. Most women don't even have divorce as an option as they are financially dependent on their husband. In majority of Pakistan even the upper and middle class sectors the "mar ke hi ana" mentality is prevalent and their own parents won't accept them. Sometimes on the occassion where the parents are open to the idea of the daughter returning, but can't afford to support her? So where does she go? Not to mention the small matter of children.........
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
In some cases, they'll have hteir family's full support, they'll help her out, look after her children while she gets a job n builds a career or completes her education, etc etc, but its sometimes the grl herslef who goes back to the prick n thres nothing u can do abt it
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
sighhhhhhh
sad, but true.
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
Why is divorced frowned upon? I think at its root, it all boils down to money. Historically, a woman didn't ever earn any money. First her father took care of her, then her husband, and in her old age, her son. Imagine being the wife of a rich man even: he's in control of the money, the bank accounts and homes are solely in his name, he's in charge of the family business, you have nothing except your wedding jewelry as your only liquid asset. If you were to divorce, you'd be penniless and Islamically, he'd end up with custody of your sons. After all, you don't expect your elderly father will have the money to support an adult--his pension barely covers the costs of his and your mother's food, shelter and medicine.
Thanks to our Hindu roots, our culture thinks of daughters as burdens because of two things: 1. keeping their virginity intact until marriage and 2. the high cost of marrying them off (due to jahez and shaadi costs). Today, even if a woman is educated and earning money, she's still considered a burden by her parents. Divorce means that you've gone from being in the "honorable" position of being a wife and mother, back to being a burden of your parents. Your parents feel like failures because they did something wrong that your marriage ended ("what have we done wrong that our daughter couldn't stay with a man?!!")
Nowadays, however, a lot of women from all economic backgrounds are divorcing in Pakistan--it's become fairly common as compared to our parents' generation. The problem often is that marriages are arranged hastily, the couple does not get to know each other, and problems are announced immediately after the wedding. I know quite a few girls who divorced their husbands within a month of the wedding because the guy tells his wife that he married her just to please his parents, but he actually has a girlfriend on the side that he's in love with. Nowadays, a lot of girls will not tolerate that and rightfully leave. But it's a heartbreaking situation either way--damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
Unfortunately women in our society are taught to be dependent on a man. Thats the reason they abuse and use them.
I so feel when women are taught to ge independent, speak their mind and follow their heart this crap just simply wont happen.
Why do i feel the name of pakistanis and hypocrites go together. We are taught in school zulm karne wale se zulm sehne wala gune gar hai. Then how come no one does any action.
sadiyaah i am in the same boat as you. I dont get it. I dont understand why women have to give up their wishes or desires for their men. ARGH
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
Thanks to our Hindu roots, our culture thinks of daughters as burdens because of two things: 1. keeping their virginity intact until marriage and 2. the high cost of marrying them off (due to jahez and shaadi costs). Today, even if a woman is educated and earning money, she's still considered a burden by her parents. Divorce means that you've gone from being in the "honorable" position of being a wife and mother, back to being a burden of your parents. Your parents feel like failures because they did something wrong that your marriage ended ("what have we done wrong that our daughter couldn't stay with a man?!!")
I've never thought about it from this perspective. Seems like you've hit the bull's eye.
I believe someone mentioned how many desis strongly believe in 'mar kar hi nikalna'. I really wonder where this is coming from. I know it is deeply ingrained in our culture, but makes no logical sense whatsoever.
** nia**, I don't think we're taught as kids to depend on a man. However, when most of us females hit a certain age, we're hit with it. Perhaps that is why it is hard for some of us to absorb it.
I thought one of the purposes (aside from good upbringing for the kids) of education was to help us in rainy days. Instead, we're told to compromise even when there may be no room for it.
sara, I bet it's mainly the culture and the pushy parents and relatives because of which a woman ends up going back to her husband even when she shouldn't. It's really very sad.
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
so whats the solution. we all know the problems... high divorce rate like that in US is no answer either.
Thanks to our Hindu roots, our culture thinks of daughters as burdens because of two things: 1. keeping their virginity intact until marriage and 2. the high cost of marrying them off (due to jahez and shaadi costs). Today, even if a woman is educated and earning money, she's still considered a burden by her parents. Divorce means that you've gone from being in the "honorable" position of being a wife and mother, back to being a burden of your parents. Your parents feel like failures because they did something wrong that your marriage ended ("what have we done wrong that our daughter couldn't stay with a man?!!")
Nowadays, however, a lot of women from all economic backgrounds are divorcing in Pakistan--it's become fairly common as compared to our parents' generation. The problem often is that marriages are arranged hastily, the couple does not get to know each other, and problems are announced immediately after the wedding. I know quite a few girls who divorced their husbands within a month of the wedding because the guy tells his wife that he married her just to please his parents, but he actually has a girlfriend on the side that he's in love with. Nowadays, a lot of girls will not tolerate that and rightfully leave. But it's a heartbreaking situation either way--damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Re: No, you must not get divorced!
Well I always say a woman is the only one who can put an end to all the tragedies in her life.
Fight back!
A man hits you hit him back. He will do it once may be twice- third time he will know his friends asked about the last bruise on his face and he had to made up some story.
Women Should take charge of all the finances of the houshold. ex- pay all the bills and always have a hidden account in case of emergency. Adding and subtracting few numbers with help of calculator is not a big deal girls.
If he does not respect your parents dont respect his either.
argh i am gona go to bed ... if i go on ... i wont stop