no kids yet...

Lifestyle Relationships
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this is the first time i am opening up in 5 years of marriage about how i really feel…and it is probably one of the most difficult things i have ever done…not just because i have never let anyone realise how i feel, but because i have kept these feelings bottled up and away from my ownself as well, else i would just spend the whole day - and night, wallowing in self pity and depression.

i am a pretty religious person alhamdolillah; and i have always prayed to Allah to give me strength in this situation - as well to solve our problem - and i know sooner or later, whenever the time is right, He will inshaAllah aswer our prayers if He thinks that if best for us.

nonetheless, there are times when i cannot control the emptiness that tries to take control over me. and there are times i have to FORCE myself to be brave for my hubby’s sake or my mother’s sake.

what is the problem?

the problem is that we have been married for 5 years and no kids yet. the problem lies with my hubby, whom i love more than my life.

i work full time, 6 days a week. that keeps me busy and also gives me the cash to do buy stuff for myself without having to ask hubby or inalws for cash. not that they are stingy but i am more of a spend thrift than they are.

i have 3 problems that have me at my wits’ end:

  1. HOW do u respond to nosey people who keep asking me, “so its been so long now, what is your plan?” i have half a mind of giving them a snappish response like, " its none of ur business" or “how do u think u can possibly contribute to what happens behind closed doors in our bedroom?” or, “u do know that this is something so personal, that the Holy Prophet likened one who reveals bedroom secrets to the public meeting and mating of 2 devils on the street”. but i just bite my tongue, swallow my pride and my tears, smile, and say, “whenever Allah wills”.

it is mostly because most of these people are from my inlaws circle that i dont say anything. (my parents, his parents and his siblings know the problem - but we decided not to share it with the whole family/ friends circle. it is just none of their business). but i need a way to cope with these questions - they are not incessant, but they do come up and i wish they wouldn’t.

  1. i have developed a serious spending addiction - almost to the extent of being a shopaholic. it is just for the high that i get from my shopping - it just makes me feel better - that my life is less empty thanks to whatever new outfit/shoe/bag i have just bought. i havenet spent our savings - but i do spend almost ALL my salary every month and i know it is not justified, but i cant seem to stop myself.

  2. i have developed an addiction to food. i CRAVE food. i will just get my hands on anything and everything i can. i will order 5 zingers and eat them in one go. i will buy the largest packet of chips i can find, and eat it in hiding, of all places, in the loo (yes i am too ashamed to admit it, but i need help seriously). a large cheese cake will vanish into my ever expanding girth within an hour. if nothing else, i will just gorge on toffees and chocolate. i am ashamed to admit i ate a whole large pizza and still wanted to eat more. i am growing fatter by the day and i just cannot put on the brakes. the only recompense is, if i go shopping, i dont eat. but thats a pretty expensive solution to the problem! and i know all about healthy eating and fruits and what not, dont tell me that. i need some emotional rules set out here to control myself.

its an endless spiral - i feel depressed and i eat/shop. i look at myself bursting out of my clothes, feel worse, and eat even more. i even have 2 exercise machines at home, just someone give me the motivation.

2

Re: no kids yet…

dont worry about nosey people …just say them politly..jab ALLAH ki marzi hogi tab hi kuch ho sakta hai uske hukum ke bina to hum kuch nhi kar sakte..im sure they wont ask u this silly question next time :mad:…

and Masha ALLAH u are close to ALLAH..and may be ALLAH is testing u…and remember olad (child) is a very big Aazmaish…so ALLAH knows better what is good for as …just pray to him…and whenever u are depress or sad…just do zikar or read darood shareef..this is what always help for me ..Allhumdulilah

3

Re: no kids yet...

^ I Agree with Kinzz reply ! You should tell them that aulad is from Allah and whenever He will want He will give us. These silly people don't realise that no soul can come into this world without His will and the child brings a naseeb if we only try to understand it , there is nothing in our hands when it comes to aulaad.

Regarding your shopping and eating addiction as far as I can understand from my experience you drive happiness from it thats why you are doing it. Whenever I am sad , hurt or under stress I also eat alot it gives me some sort of happiness / satisfaction.

I would suggest that you and your hubby go for some trip / vacation or the best would be for a umrah , it will not only give you a break from your routine lives but will also give you inner peace.

wish you good luck

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Re: no kids yet...

Whenever you feel depress just do wazu n as earlier said do zikar.......simply doing wazu makes u feel better..........n no need to answer anyone.... seriously as its famous "jitnay mu itni baatein" and u r not answerable to everyone just ignore them n their words.........n hope for the best inshahallah everything vl b fne.............May God bless you

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I cant really comment on your "problems" however to tackle the stress and bad habits (such as over-eating and over-spending) why don't you take up a hobby?

Try painting, making music, maybe a sport? Anything that you may find you enjoy, might help you keep away from the bad habits.

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Re: no kids yet...

Have you seen a doctor? It doesn't hurt to get things checked out.

One of my friends was being pestered by her MIL about "when" she was going to have a baby. My friend's younger sister had a child before her.....and.....the MIL even used THAT as an example. She maintained a positive attitude, kept herself busy. She got a job, she read, she joined a cooking class, she prayed for the best. And she also went to the doctor to get things checked out. And guess what? She found out she was pregnant shortly before her MIL was going to visit her from PAK. I think my friend has been married 4-5 years. Similar to you.

Another example: Another friend of mine had been married....maybe 5 years. And her younger sister had a child before her as well. One day this friend and I were at a party where this aunty soooooooooooooo tactlessly makes a comment about my friend not having a baby. She made the comment as a dua........but it was awkward. There was a moment of silence. Several people thought the aunti's remark just didn't reflect good judgment. My friend didn't say anything to her. But.....the following year........she got pregnant.....and is now the mom of a 1-year-old son. See? The remarks of aunties and in-laws has no bearing upon when you'll conceive a child. They don't pay your bills. They're NOT going to help you raise the baby. They don't control your life. So, why are you sooooooooooo affected by them????? And you're allowing these powerless people (who can't impact your fertility in any way) to wreak so much emotional havoc in your life? Don't give them that power. Get control of your life.

Just like you, they're mere mortals, who don't know the EXACT TIME of when a particular happiness or tragedy is going to take place in their life...........and yet they're stupid enough to ask WHEN you're going to have a baby. They're just being thoughtless. Ignore them. Find some HUMOR in their stupidity. Make a joke that slightly puts them in place the next time they say something. Say something like "Oh you're so funny. Do you really think people know the exact time that they will conceive and reproduce?" Just chuckle...wave them off with your hand....and walk away. You'll be fine :)

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Re: no kids yet...

Rockon...im also married for 5 years and yet no kids..but call this ALLAH ki marzi...even when my MIl ask me to go to any doctor i reply her " doctor ke pas jane ke bad bhi jab ALLAH ke hukum se baby hoga to doc ke pas jane ka faida?"

and this is a human nature trust me...my one cousin got married 1 year ago she dont have baby yet and every time we talk i ask her " any good news" ?..:D see what i mean?? the FEELING of NOT HAVING baby is inside YOU...if people are asking that dosnt mean they should mind their own business...but its like normal in our desi culture I think...

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The above is the key. If only we all can understand it. A person who is happy right now may or may not be happy after 1 year or 5 years may not be even alive. Life is so so unpredictable so are relationships. People who ask these question just want to point of something which in their opinion is going on wrong in your life. You might be perfectly happy with your life but from their perception you are missing something in your life and they make sure to point it out and mostly the purpose behind it is to make you hurt.

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TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!!!!!! I've noticed that myself. It's CRAZY how people just assume that you're miserable because you haven't graduated, or gotten married, or landed a job, or had a baby according to THEIR time schedule! It's absurd really. It's even kinda funny. You, on the other other hand, MIGHT BE PERFECTLY HAPPY AND CONTENT with your life........and they assume that you're miserable. And they give you a pitying look and say "Aaw...don't worry...." And this can make you feel self-conscious for no reason at all. Seriously, people can be so obtuse.

You'd think that they'd have enough to deal with in their own lives......that they wouldn't have the "TIME" to go around asking others about their time schedules, lol.

I don't even go around asking my relatives, cousins for example, when they're getting married, or when they're going to have a baby, or why this and that didn't happen in their life. It can be annoying. Just ignore and find some humor in it.

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  1. You continue to give the same response- that whenever Allah wills you to have a baby, that is when you'll have one. If you really are tired of giving that response, then say that you're saving up so that you can provide for your baby really well. Another response is that you just want to wait a little longer. If they ask how much longer, then say the same, "a little longer, I can't define a time frame."

  2. You know you have a problem so you're on the road to recovery :) Tell yourself that when that baby will come, you'll need the money to spend it on him/her. Use that money for other things. If you and your hubby are seeking medical help, think of contributing money toward that. Instead of spending money on shoes and purses, try to donate some to charity so at least you won't think you're wasting all of your money. The other thing you might want to consider doing is putting your money toward a savings account.

  3. Same thing as 2... you know your problem. You're stressed and people turn to comfort food. But tell yourself that you're not in that bad of a place. There are married women in your situation who get blamed for not having kids, even though the problem resides with the husband. These women face taunting in-laws and get divorced. You are blessed with a husband you love so much and his family isn't blaming you for not having kids. So be thankful for what you have right now. Then eat healthier because you need to be in the best of health when you will be blessed with a child inshAllah. Don't eat soo much and that too unhealthy so that you can worry your husband.

Allah grants us a child, but He doesn't want us to be wasteful- so save up that money and do good with it. And take care of the body He gave you. Have patience and make duaa.

I will also add that don't lose any hope on having a child. People try fertility drugs, in vitro fertilization, etc. with options such as adoption available.

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Re: no kids yet...

We had our daughter after 5 years of marriage and had to be treated for infertility. These specialist are great! Please contact someone.

As for number 1, thebest thing to say is "dua karein" then change the topic or speak to someone else.

14

Aside from the very helpful comments made by other GS members. Some diet and lifestyle changes can be made to increase male fertility, as well as natural supplements for male reproductive health.

Don't smoke, drink alcohol or take any recreational drugs (I'm not suggesting that your hubby does partake in these activities!)

Diet:

Eat "naturally from the earth" get plenty of fresh vegetables, fruits, whole grains, fish, poultry, legumes, nuts, brown rice and seeds.

Avoid junk food, processed food and foods high in saturated fat.

Drink plenty of water to flush out any toxins in the body.

Eat foods that contain high levels of zinc and essential fatty acids which are vital to healthy functioning of the male reproductive system.

Supplements that may help (don't expect overnight results as they will take a few months to become effective).

  • Arginine * Coenzyme Q10 * L-carnitine * Selenium * Zinc * Vitamin B-12 * Vitamin E * Omega fatty acids

Anyway, I wouldn't self-diagnose...go see a doctor if you're worried. A nutritionist, herbalist may help :)

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Rockon, I hope you feel like you have benefitted from the responses here, people have given you good advice.

Don't feel as if you are the only person going through this, THERE ARE LOADS of infertile couples in the world, I suppose our culture is one of those which adds an element of difficulty, as RV suggested, people are tactless and say things (NOT that it is any of their business).

I would also agree that try to have a different motivation for your money. There are 3 things that you can make yourself believe about it -

1 - Save and use it for infertility treatment - have you tried / looked into any? For male factor infertility there is now TESE and PESA, google it.

2 - Save /use your money to prepare a home for your intended child.

3 - Save / use your money to go for Hajj / Umrah. I totally recommend going for Hajj, besides, lots of people have said it is MUCH BETTER to go before you have children as it is easier.

Rockon, if you know that despite all of the infertility options you have explored, there is absolutely NO chance of you both conceiving, would you be open to explore the possibility of fostering / Islamic adoption? Because if you know there is no chance in one direction, when you have come to a stone wall, it may benefit you to go in another direction.

Just as there are many couples who would make good parents but don't have children to bring up, there are many children in this world who don't have parents to bring them up. It's just an alternative subject to explore.

Having said all that, even in some situations where the couple thinks there is no chance, it is all in the hands of Allah. Allah bestows life where he wills, and takes away life where he wills.

Also, when you are sad, remember to count your blessings. There are far weaker couples who can fall apart from the stress of it all, love doesn't grow there.

As for food etc, I would agree, seek solace in prayer too seek comfort, and focus on nourishing foods for both yourself and your husband!

Once again, I urge you to look into going for Hajj and focus your thoughts and energies into preparing for that.

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Re: no kids yet...

rockon, listen.

You sound like you are deeply stuck with this problem. You seem to make enough money. I would suggest that you immediately contact a therapist. If your eating and shopping has reached these heights and are out of your control, I suggest seeing someone urgently. it will only benefit you.

Good luck!

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Re: no kids yet...

I second the suggestion of therapy for your shopping and food addiction. It can work wonders. May Allah make things easy for you, Ameen.

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RH, RV, LC, DA, Soundarya thank u so much for your replies...Kinzz...i feel for u, being in the same boat! i know i am the only one who can fix it by changing my attitude and my response to the situation. the problem is, im just so sick of it all!!!

we've been for Hajj alhamdolillah, and plenty of Umrah's. ditto for going on trips. but its reached a point where every small thing just bugs me for no reason whatsoever.

i have started locking my bed room door at all times simply because i dont like my parents in law habit of barging in without knocking if i am all alone. i feel as if they are being inquisitive or as if they want to find out what i am up to and i just dont want to entertain ANYONE at all. even though all i am doing in my room is usually dhikr or reading a book, i dont feel like talking to anyone.

i flare up at very small things - the other day, i went to ask my hubby whether he wanted to eat fried prawns left over from lunch, and he said sure, and i said ok, let me heat it, and he said no no give it to me, and my mom in law said, a lil harshly, "take it away, why are u serving him cold food?".

i cud have laughed and explained it but something just snapped inside me and i said, quite harshly, "im not the one serving cold food to ABC, he asked for it. why did u say i am serving him cold food?"

now she didnt reply - but my hubby was oh so mad at the whole scenario. and he made sure i apologised to his mum even though i told him that her statement was wrong, esp as i go out of the way to take care of u. i told him that i wud apologise just for his sake, and not beccause i believed i was wrong. my attitude was harsh, but i didnt like the underlying accusation that i was serving cold food.

this is just a small example. but now even small things, perhaps even unintended, make me feel bad. if i get clothes stitched for her - which i do almost every other month and especially the lawns as she is a big fan of them, she is never satisfied - and all the time that i am home from work she wants to discuss how the tailor didnt add one titch button the sleeve or how her paincha is half an inch shorter than normal. tailors do what they want to do. she is not mobile herself, and i do my best. but i am sick and tired of spending half my time at home listening to her rants about the clothes, or the stitching, or the piping. if nothing else, how all the shirts have the same style of neckline. its not such a big deal to me, perhaps some of u girls can shed more light on this.

i got a photo frame to put up an ayat on the dining table for us to read when done with our food. the frame was approx 2 inches thick. so she tells every one, i told her to get a smaller frame but she got such a thick frame.,

??@##$%^^.

and yes

she has a habit of inviting ANYONE who is coming to KHI, to stay with us. And then she will complain on top of that that the maid didnt do this or that, and the guests are so demanding, etc. and how the salan must be cooked just so. now after working the whole day, i really do not relish the idea of standing in the kitchen for another 2 hrs just to make sure the cook got the salan right.

i dont care. its salan, eat it with roti. if its too thin, drink it in a glass. if its too think, u can make a house out of it and eat it.

maybe i will sound like a rich pampered girl who gets to have a cook and a maid, but i am working and i am paying for them. all i want is that i dont have an endless steam of ppl to entertain almost every other day. i dont mind entertaining ppl - on my terms. that means, if there is no food in the house, order take out. not that u stand up and cook for the next 2 hrs just becos the guests showed up around dinner time, unannounced. i love socialising with ppl too, its just that i still havent adjusted to ppl dropping in at all hrs, unannounced, and then my saas expecting that i will lay out a feast for them.

neither do i enjoy ppl who just drop by and spend 3 days and nights and then my saas expects that when i come home from work, i will entertain these ppl only, instead of exercising, or saying my prayers or whatever. i know good manners requires that i entertain her guests, but i just feel ticked off that there is always someone or the other at our house. i dont have ANY privacy.

and i dont know how to negotiate anything about this with my hubby, coz it doesnt seem like we have any options. my parents in law dont know how to say no to anyone. when my saas was young she has entertained 10-15 ppl in her house at all times, so she kinda expects me to do the same. and like i said, they cannot say no. if any of their relatives comes here, it is taken for granted that they will stay at our house, even though they have other brothers and sisters in the same city.

i so wish to be the model of virtue and patience that i know is in our religion, but i just keep steaming and fuming inside. and just dont talk to anyone, or talk when i am spoken to.

hubby refuses to let me join a gym, saying, ure out of the house the whole day anyways, then u will spend another 1-2 hrs away - and he is rite obviously. the gym machines i have are in the guest room, and that means if we have guests i cant use them.

oh and wait, the irony of the situation? before we got married, my mum in law announced to my parents and my hubby, the bride can have my room, the master bedroom. and my hubby said no, no, u cannt give up ur room. then he called me and told me to say the same to his mum - not that she asked me. my parents did not say anything. now my wardrobe and all my clothes are also in the guest room as our bedroom isnt large enough for all my furniture to fit in without making it very cramped.

so let alone it being very difficult to have to run between 2 rooms to get ready in the morning and evening, i have to manage it in themiddle of guests. and to top it all, she keeps saying, i offered my room but u guys didnt want it,.

$%&&()&((*).

if she so wanted to give the room, she wud have had my furniture furnished inside her room when it was delivered at the time of our marriage. and she cud have asked the furniture wallas to move her furniture out. its not like anyone from our side went over to arrange the bed rooms,

there. ive said it. most of it at least.

btw.
i have never said a word of any of this to anyone, no friends, no parents. it feels a relief to just have it off my chest.

constructive advice would be a bonus.

19

Re: no kids yet...

Darling, You have to just think these are people with *no lives. *And just count yourself as a *very *important person, Almost like a celebrity that these people wanna know *everything *about yourself.

My parents didnt have a Child until 5 years after they got married. Then my mum had me at 30. After me they kept asking my mum to have more, But unfortunately she could'nt No one knows this except Us. Its no ones business. And everything happens for a reason i mean Im enough to count as 4 children because im *so *loud. :p Plus i love my dad soooo much, Maybe i have enough love as it would be if my parents had 10 children.

I understand the spending addiction, I used to be like that, Its a awful addiction i must admit, And no one will ever take that serious. However why dont you put your negative energy into positive? Everytime you feel like spending money, Go on the exercise machine for 30mins. Take a break. And when you feel peckish have a drink. Dont eat, Sometime we *think *were hungry but infact were thirsty. The more you exercise the more you'll see some weight coming off, The better you will feel. And with all the money your saving you can buy yourself a beautiful outfit.

If i was you people asking me *why havnt i got a child after 5 years i would 100% give them a sarcastic reply back. Thats just me and it would certainly put them in their place. Dont ever feel unhappy about not having a baby, When Allah wills it will happen. Just think why isnt it happening now? Because of your spending addiction, Because your just eating allll the time. When you start to loose weight, Start eating healthier, Start putting negative into positive you'll see the difference, ALLAH is thinking of you, I 100% believe this when something bad has happened to me or my family, I put the negative into positive and think Allah is thinking of my family. And i pray to Allah and *beg *him to help us out of this. And in time Inshallah he will help.
After your turning your life around you never know Allah will give you a *beautiful **baby. The people that longer to have a baby Their baby is soooo beautiful because Allah has took his time in creating this Baby. :) And hey when you have your baby inshallah, You can spend all your money on him/her.

Inshallah you'll be fine, Follow my steps, Trust me when you start loosing weight you'll feel the addiction to start looking and feel great!
Good luck hun!

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Re: no kids yet...

rockon: Next time people question you turn around and give them a piece of your mind. It's none of their business. As far as the spending is concerned don't worry about it. It makes you feel good. Hence, it is justified. You need something to keep you happy and retail therapy is a decent solution :)