no kids yet...

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: no kids yet...

God ! rockon!! so many hugs and love to u yaar! honestly i m a total anti-saas person. ppl on GS are gonna b quick in shunnin me callin me evil and wot not, but pls refrain from doin that, cus i m entitled to my opinion and i consider saas a big burden on my life! if u have a nice MIL u r damn lucky trust me... but majority are unhappy with MIL so go figure! anyway rockon u have alot of prbs goin on in ur life..first up havin kids is not in ur hands... whenever Allah wills it will happen. if the hubs has a prb, it shudnt b u who shud b guilty really. if it gets out of hand, u mite as well indirectly tell ppl the fault lies in ur hubs... cus trust me ppl will shut up only when u tell them that the man is at ur fault.. esp make sure atleast u let ur dear MIL know so she never brings that topic and taunt u!!!!
ur MIL is typical playin political games... i m also v independent kind of a person and i hate havin guests who dun have the courtesy to call me atleast some hrs before comin. my hubs is exactly the same like ur mil/fil. he cannot say no to guests even its his brother callin and sayin he mite b coming home when i m bloody 9 mnths preg these days!!! they just dun care!!!! i m so fit and active in home and goin out and hangin out and not gettin tired ... not showin alot of nakhra...... ppl r takin me for granted and comin in like they dun care. cant u live alone? is ur hubs is the only son??? my mil is not v evil but same nakhrey type. my hubs isnt dressing properly... the bedsheets has lil points on it (i dunno how to explain, its when the bedsheets are a bit old and u see smalllllll balls on the sheets) etc etc....and shes a bit inconsiderate too.. we have 3 floors in pak and she wanted me and hubs to live on the third florr although she knew i was preg 6 mnths. i told her i wud have to come up and down and she said u can stay on middle floor n just go up for sleepin... and my hubs cudnt say no. i had to put my foot down and let her know its not possible cus even hubs has knee prb. she wanted me to live there also cus her new bahu was gonna b there after her marriage.. i din want equality.. i wanted to b pampered and taken care of considerin i was preg for GOD sake...i can go on and on... :(

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Re: no kids yet...

^You need to become chalaak and start doing nakhraas, that works the best .... sometimes a woman's gotta do what she's gotta do to get the pampering she needs.

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Re: no kids yet...

Rockon, don't have time at the mo, but I was thinking, surely it is time for you to make your requirements known? Be strong and tell your husband that you need some changes, you need your own space / time etc.

Don't ask, just make it happen...???

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Re: no kids yet...

hey rockon if u remember my MIL story in another thread is it gunah??????????..........
you MIL seems much better than mine she is just discussing things wth you n my MIL is not satisfied until my huby scolds me n lisit continues
i have been married for 2 yrs n no kids yet.............i was hopeful this month but again.......ahhh anyhow i know my time span is less than yours.......n here the problem is wth me not a big one thank god and i m taking medi which are working but my huby is so supportive that he didnt tell anyone that v have problem because he knows that if his mum knows this she vl kick me out of the house n bring a new bahu....... but still my MIL discuss this thing wth every single person that they are not having babies n this n that which is very embarssing for me..........
but i m still compromising wth that lady bc she is my huby'mother n i hve to gve her due respect........n the result is that my huby loves me more for this n he dont care whether v r gng to hve kids or not.......i have made myself buzy in other things like cooking,this net surfing,painting so that i dont get tense.....
the best solution is to divert ur attention on other things this will make u feel better n dont be depress inshahallah Allah vl help u n vl bless u wth healthy babies as it is said k USS K GHR MEI DEIR HN PR ANDHER NHI.......... have faith in GOD........may GOD bless you.....remember me in ur prayers as well........

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Rock,

I know it's easier said than done, but don't let everything your MIL does get under your skin. By doing so, you're showing her that her words have power over you.........and she may even ENJOY seeing you get upset. She may even be happy when she sees your husband getting mad at you for getting upset with her. Projecting a calm image (to the best of your ability) and acting unaffected is what will enrage her. So, don't flare up over every single thing...............that's what your MIL does (she's the one who flares and nags and complains about everything). You want to turn into her? No, right? So, don't. Stay calm and stay cool.....and when you feel you can't.....just find sneaky little ways of putting MIL in her place and restoring some peace and even humor in your life ;). Examples:

The Picture Frame:

Why are you getting worked up over this? It's your home, design it however you wish. Leave the picture frame as it is. It's sad that your MIL wants to gossip about you to other people over a pic frame. But if you want to irk her for her pettiness, you can:

1) Get an EVEN thicker frame :) Your home, you design it however you want.

2) Keep the same picture frame. And in the most annoying cheerful tone, tell your MIL how soooo many people have COMPLIMENTED that frame and think it's so lovely and that you plan to use that frame......perhaps even a thicker one...for other decorations int he future :p

**** But, in my opinion, just leave it alone. That sends out a sufficient message.

*Tailor Troubles: *

When we are frequently disappointed by a person or a service......we eventually stop using it....or counting on it. Here are some ideas:

1) Give her the tailor's phone number. Tell her that you didn't sew the clothes and that she can talk to the expert who did sew them. In the event that your husband gets mad at you..........INNOCENTLY/SWEETLY **tell your husband how you went through **ALL the trouble to get the tailor's phone number so that his darling mom can talk directly to person who made the clothes......and that you only desire ease and convenience for his darling mummy.

2) When your MIL wants you to get some clothes stitched....make excuses. "Oohps I forgot"......"Oh I wasn't feeling well"........"So many projects and deadlines at work"......."The tailor is out for a few days" (yes this does happen), etc etc. Who knows? When she sees that you can't be counted on, maybe she'll stop pestering you with getting her clothes made. If she complains to your husband, feign innocence. Sweetly give your husband the same excuses as above.

3) When someone gives the impression that we are not that interested in their troubles.....they eventually leave us alone. It's possible that the reason your MIL bugs you about mistakes in clothes is because she knows that you will faithfully listen to her complaints and take them seriously. SO stop taking her seriously.....and she'll eventually learn that she can't bother you with such concerns. When she complains about her clothes, just say "I gave the instructions but I didn't sew them." If she complains again, say "I didn't sew them, I'm not the tailor." *DON'T SYMPATHIZE WITH HER. * Try changing the subject. Yawn on the phone, make an excuse, and hang up. The more she sees that you're uninterested about mistakes the tailor made..........the less she'll bother you with them.

4) Avoidance. Boundaries and some distance are needed for every relationship. This means that you don't have to attend every phone call and that you CAN keep them short....and make excuses/hang up. A friend of mine doesn't attend every call from MIL and it seems to work for her.
**
Short Notice Invitations:

**When a guest plans to STAY OVER, then it's proper etiquette to be told of their arrival a few days in advance. Since your MIL feels that she can impose visitors on you on such short notice.........do not fulfill her picky requirements:

1) It takes TIME to clean the house and prepare a perfect meal for a person who will STAYING over. Since you did not receive much time to prepare......therefore you don't need to worry yourself about these arrangements.** Don't tell the maid to clean every room. Allow the cook to serve a mediocre meal.** If your MIL complains.........then in front of your husband.......say:

"Oh Ammi, I also agree with you that the arrangements were not the best. They could be better. But if only I knew about it a few days in advance, this wouldn't have happened. I know that you used to entertain a crowd of people , but since I also work, it's hard for me to plan things at the last moment. So, please let me know a few days before hand and hopefully things will be easier because I'll have more time."

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Re: no kids yet...

rockon

people have given you ideas on finding things that are of interest to occupy you and divert from spending and eating into something else.

now as far as interpersonal things, you need to set up ground rules with him, in your prawns example, its simple if he does not want you to talk back to his mum then he needs to speak up, you cant be a punching bag and not have the ability to respond otherwise. there are 3 things that could happen and need to be balanced,

1- you respond back but gently
2- he responds to his mum
3- you stay quiet
4- he talks to his mum to just avoid passing comments when its something b/w you two

so strike a balance there and you should be fine.

on the room stuff..it is what it is, she has master and you dont, so rather than fret about it you have to see what you can do. and my advise would be

1) channel your shopping into organizing stuff..maybe custom made furniture to give you more storage options, beds with underbed deep storage drawers to put away stuff
2) purge, most ppl have too much stuff, and with your admission of shopping addiction you probably have more stuff than you need.
3) use guest room closets for stuff you hardly use, so if people are visiting you dont have much of an issue.

workout-
1) if you cant join a gym then use machines at home, and when guests are over, move the machines in your room, or move a machine in your room, yeah they are heavy but
2) dpending on what you are doing, you dont really need a machine for everything, adjustable weight dumbbells, doortop pull up bar, exercise bands, a step stool etc take minimal room but really are more than enough for most people
3) you can also try and channel your shopping expertise into finding collapsing treadmill or exercise bike. then it does not take too much room, and while its not the prettiest thing in the room, but atleast you have it to use it. but it being Pakistan you can probably have a custom enclosure made so the folded treadmill stands in there and when you need it you open the cabinet and unfold it, and use it.

shift your focus from ideal to optimal and feasible when it comes to these things and you should be fine.

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Re: no kids yet...

Exercising:

Go to the gym during the weekends. Or use the guest room gym when there are no guests.

Move at least one or two of the gym equipment to your room. Order/purchase light weight portable gym equipment.

Go jogging in your neighborhood a few times each week or during the weekends. It'll give you a break from MIL.

You don't need fancy heavy equipment to tone your body. The best way to lose weight is through a healthy diet and exercise (combining cardio with weights). You can even do cardio with a jump rope. Get a jump rope, some arm weights, and a step ladder. These are all portable things that you can store in your bedroom and use to work out. Get some work out videos....and watch them in your room.

**********Don't depend solely on your guest room gym to meet your goals. Find other ways to meed your needs.

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Re: no kids yet…

hey quit stealin :naraz:

PS: step stool, not step ladder :stuck_out_tongue: thats for bob the builder

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I didn’t know about your post until after I submitted it. Maybe while I was typing mine…you got done with yours and submitted…and I wouldn’t have known.

Builders tend to be in good shape. I found the step stool/arm weights effective. Combined that with crunches and jogging. There are various ways to go about things.

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Rockon-

Seems like you are using shopping and eating as an outlet for your depression. I know that Allah is all knowing and the one who heals us all, but he also said to seek help when we are ill.

I feel that you should see a doctor and discuss your emotional spending and eating with him. Believe me, depression is a scary and all consuming illness. It's often misunderstood in our culture and women are more prone to it.

You are not alone, and you will be ok. U have to believe that. But even before u have a baby you need to take care of your self. Please see a doctor.

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I was not serious :)

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Re: no kids yet...

just keep on praying cause one day your dua will get accepted,inshallah.Me and my sis got married together 9 yrs ago,during that time I had ttwo kids and she had none,she tried all kinds of treatment a nd only last year dec she was blessed with a baby,alhumdulillah,just have faith.

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Re: no kids yet...

See a psychiatrist. Good luck.

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wow guys, all of u, rv, x2, miainva, mb, mall, da, thank u so so very mucchh..

it is a strange feeling to see such an outpouring of sincere and heartfelt advice from ppl ive never seen, and ppl who dont have the remotest inkling as to who i am...i am too overcome for words, but really, ur advice has been great. i will inshaAllah move the treaddmill into my room today. i really dont care if it looks like an eyesore, and reduces walking space. its collapsible, so it will basically be an eye sore. but i dont care.

and yes, i didnt remove the photo frame, it was a darned expensive one from object, and im cracking up with laughter at the idea of getting a second, even larger frame!!!!!!!!!!!

i came across an ayat on this forum, i dont know the source, and i am trying to track the source down and then use it to control my spending and eating -

""O Children of Adam! wear your beautiful apparel at every time and place of prayer: eat and drink: But waste not by excess, for Allah loveth not the wasters.""

thanks to all of u once more.

and no mr X2,, my cupboards are not so full due to my shopping. if i buy one new thing, i donate two old things to charity. i hate clutter of any sort and always go for a minimalist look in everythign. except my shopping list.

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just found the reference for the ayat as well. surah Al Araf (The Heights, Elevated Places), Ayah 31 (7:31)

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Re: no kids yet...

Rockon, here's one of the best ways to discourage nosy people from asking the same thing again and again. The next time someone asks you, tell them jee I asked you to pray for me, did you not ? jee buss aap ne dua nahi ki lagta hai..... jee aap dua kar rahe hain ?
I mean you have to shift the "responsibility" so that they feel uncomfortable.

I haven't had the time to read all the replies so I don't know if its been suggested before, but I would suggest that if allowed islamically, there are some techniques through which you could try conceiving your husband's child.

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hahaahhaa..snowy winter good one..i love the responses that others have given too... will make up a top ten list now!! :)

mall, its sad that ur mum in law is so inconsiderate; but dont generalise that all mums in law are evil, or that all mums in law are rude...simply because it is not fair to ASSUME that someone is evil or has evil intentions. i have tried for the last 5 yrs to treat my mum in law like my own mum, just thinking that i dont want to hurt her, and respecting her is part n parcel of respecting my hubby. i wud respect her, thinking, how wud i want my bahu to treat me when i get to her age? (she is MashaAllah 75+).

i posted on this forum simply out of sheer frustration thats been building up over so many issues in my life, knowing that i wud normally, say, even 3 years ago, not have been so upset about ANY of the issues listed here, except maybe the ppl's questions abt kids and having my stuff distributed in 2 different rooms, and that too just temporarily upset.

so my point is, expect good, and hopefully, Allah willing, good will come ur way. unless u persistently see someone being evil to u. then just avoid them to the best of ur abilities.

yes, its not fair to expect ur hubby to entertain ppl who show up unannounced, especialy in ur 9th month!!! girl, why dont u just lie down and make ur hubby get u whatever food ure craving???? even the most inconsiderate of hubbies turn into absolute gems when their wives are pregnant (yes, im generalising here!). u shud wake him up in the middle of the night and tell him u want gajar ka halwa. or cream of chicken soup. maybe get him a knorr soup packet so he can make u one!!! these r ur days, do some nakraas!!!!

and just forget ur mil. there's no point stooping down to her level. if she sees u happy inspite of all this, it will just tick her off all the more.

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Re: no kids yet...

X2 is spot on - establish ground rules.

Rockon, good you seem more positive now.

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i wish i cud :( i was told before gettin preg i am always showin nakhra, i wudnt eat tihs wudnt do that etc etc and that i m not adjusting so in preg i made xtra efforts not to b like that and do work like any normal girl. not all men work that way.. :(

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sigh... i guess ure rite rockon. its just that i m sooooooo overly super doper sensitive it hurts me really bad. plus i m sort of a person who thinks wayyyy to mch and stresses abt the smallest thing. i dont forget and move on... honestly i only hurt myself in the end. sometimes i wish and cry thinkin i wish Allah made me super thick... i care too mch. i wish i cud b as easy goin anf chalaak as other gals... but i m not. i m straight forward and not political like other gals plus it dusnt help that i m HORRIBLE at hidin my facial expressions and inner feelings. this is the only biggest fault in my personality. if i learn to control my xpressions and anger i think i can conquer everything.. everyone says wot i feel inside it shows on my face... be it anger, hurt, jealousy.. evreythingggggggggggg... its sooo bad i feel so vulnerable... i wish someone cud tell me how to control my feelings.. i m proud of u rockon fr being so strong and carryin on. u deserve this ranting cus u had these pent up feelings and needed an outlet to take it out. just hang in there and always remember there r ppl like u who r also in alot of pain and somehow still alive and hangin in there. loads of love.