its the height of rudeness... gifts are a courtesy from a guest and a bonus on top of their attendance, they are NOT a requirement or an expectation on the host's part. when you write "no boxed gifts please", you are assuming two things- 1. that you will be getting a gift, which is rude in and of itself as it implies the guest's presence is simply not enough for you, and 2. that they MUST give you money, regardless of their financial situation or personal preference.
use a registry. one way to spread the word is to get a website for you and your fiancé- there are tons of free ones out there- include the address in your rsvp/invitations, and let people figure it out. websites are also nice as you can include tons of other useful and helpful information on them for your guests.
and please use your family to spread the info by word of mouth alongwith that you'd prefer something off your registry since you have need of it. make sure your registry has items in the $25-$50, $50-$100, and $100+ price ranges so people have a wide variety to choose from.
both these ways worked like a charm for me- at my shower, 90% of the gifts i got were off my registry. the remaining gifts were bought for the wedding, and those who didn't buy from the registry, simply gave us money.
if you end up getting unwanted gifts, then i'm really sorry but, hey, at least Goodwill will make good use of it, i'm sure.
please, don't write "no boxed gifts please"... this trend is hideous and embarassing and plain rude. if someone wrote that on an invitation they gave me, i would definitely not attend their wedding.
Or you can go the witty route and write down something funny. One thing you can write straight up
TohfoN ki zehmat mat keejiay, Allah ka dia sab kuch haiy humaaray paas. Aapki shirkat hee humaaray liyeh sab se bara tohfa haiy. (Don't worry about gifts, we have everything by Allah's grace. Your presence alone is a gift for us)
My urdu isn't that great but it could be something along these lines. I know its a bit bold telling people not to bring gifts, but people arent stupid and they will still bring something thats not a 'gift'.
The reason i'm saying this is back in the day when serving food at weddings was banned in pakistan (only cold drinks, tea and ice cream were allowed), my brother's friend wrote the following on his shadi card:
**Chai ya ice cream ki umeed rakh kar mat aaiay ga, Allah rizk denay wala haiy*
*Which basically meant that theres going to be dinner so dont come just expecting tea or ice cream. From what i heard people loved that line on his shadi card :D
We used this on our wedding and this worked very well. We went shopping after getting married and were able to shop for things as we settled in. The wife mentioned what we bought with the gift money and wrote that on the thank you cards.
Registry is pretty dumb if you ask me. You are asking a couple to go to a store and pick out things for a house they havent bought. They probably arent even comfortable with each other yet to express what they really need. So guess who ends up tagging things in a desi couple's registry? The future mother-in-law!
^ sorry, but i think thats another MIL stereotype... if registries are dumb, then what about all the stuff bride's get from their parents in bari/jaheyz? like all the cookware and other household stuff? she shouldn't be getting that either?
as i said, gifts are a bonus in addition to the guests' presence at your wedding, not a requirement. so if you get something, great! if you don't, too bad for you. i mean, if presents are so important, than you should just invite the people you are close to instead of 500 barely-known cousins, and then you can talk to them openly and request what you want.
and frankly, registries are fun! i had a blast doing mine, because you know what, you're picking out all this awesome stuff for your place and its like shopping with someone else's money because if your family spreads the word, theres a good chance people will get it for you! i mean, someone bought me a $500 stand-mixer, for cryin' out loud! all my Eid's came on the same day when i looked at my registry and it said "Item bought" :D
Or you can go the witty route and write down something funny. One thing you can write straight up
TohfoN ki zehmat mat keejiay, Allah ka dia sab kuch haiy humaaray paas. Aapki shirkat hee humaaray liyeh sab se bara tohfa haiy. (Don't worry about gifts, we have everything by Allah's grace. Your presence alone is a gift for us)
i love that! its very sweet :)
i've also heard of couples requesting donations to charity, like, "In lieu of a gift, please consider a donation to [name of charity]" but i'm not sure how i feel about that either... hrm...
i think it works better if the couple makes the donation instead of giving favors to their guests... this i've seen worded as "A donation has been made in your name to Sick Kids Hospital." and it was written on a card that was placed on each plate at the dinner.
I am not for Jahez of any sort or form. Its difficult to convince the parents of bride. If registry works for you then great. How is that different than $$? Gifts cost money at the end of the day. Also, Its also true about mother-in-law picking stuff from registry. I seen it being done.
No matter what is written on the card, its understood that no gift or money is necessary. You might have seen that people still bring stuff that is not on the registry. People brought us boxes even when it was written not to. They are all friends & family anyway so its all good.
^ sorry, but i think thats another MIL stereotype... if registries are dumb, then what about all the stuff bride's get from their parents in bari/jaheyz? like all the cookware and other household stuff? she shouldn't be getting that either?
as i said, gifts are a bonus in addition to the guests' presence at your wedding, not a requirement. so if you get something, great! if you don't, too bad for you. i mean, if presents are so important, than you should just invite the people you are close to instead of 500 barely-known cousins, and then you can talk to them openly and request what you want.
and frankly, registries are fun! i had a blast doing mine, because you know what, you're picking out all this awesome stuff for your place and its like shopping with someone else's money because if your family spreads the word, theres a good chance people will get it for you! i mean, someone bought me a $500 stand-mixer, for cryin' out loud! all my Eid's came on the same day when i looked at my registry and it said "Item bought" :D
OOooo so many against it... I totally get that it might come off as being rude but I've seen it so many times on wedding cards that it's become kind of acceptable here...but one of the main reasons I'm for it is because we re moving to Amreeka right after the wedding :D and I dont want to fly kitchen appliances and what not with me...anyways my hubby2be is getting his way :P which is fine by me :)
I talked to him abt bridal registries as well and his exact words were "pir wohi baath!"-- LOL...I guess its the same principal to him.
I definitely agree with SGC. This has always been one of my pet peeves.
First of all, I think its incredibly crass to specify what kind of a gift you want right on the invitation. Its tacky enough when people include the little registry cards from the store with the invites, but this is just getting absurd. And if that's not bad enough, you're basically demanding money on top of that...its the height of rudeness.
I've honestly always wondered, considering how overly polite our culture usually is, how people's parents don't consider this totally behaya and aren't mortified when their kids try to pull this stunt.
^ apparently the same principles don't apply when weddings are seen as a big money grab :/
but then what do you expect right, when you've invited 700 people just cos you "have" to... nobody knows 700 people. come on. its all just in-laws and imaginary social protocol.
Instead of people wasting their resources by discussing this topic to no end, wasting extra ink on shadi cards, setting up gift registries etc i think people of the desi community should come together and make a community awareness program. Some of the arguments presented would be
-Only give cash
-Saves you the hassle of running around choosing that 'perfect' gift. Cash works best.
-If you really want to be remembered for the gift you gave, find a DIY project and make up a gift that has less cash value and more sentimental value. Add to that some cash.
-If you really, really have to give a gift then add a gift reciept. Cash works best.
-If you dont want to give cash you can buy a giftcard from any popular mall or department store. Still, cash works best.
I agree, and it just creates confusion too- how much to give??!!! I remember my mom had bought a really nice present for someone getting married and then the mother of the bride called to say, aap cash dijiye ga. so now my mom was like, okkk.. how much do i give? 100? 200? would that be too less? blah blah. she just ended up giving them 300 which i thought was too much. it becomes more of a requirement than actually giving it from your heart.
If you look at it from the couple's point of view, it makes sense. If the couple will be living far away from the place where the wedding is held it becomes impractical to move stuff around. YOu would pay more for the shipping than the gifts r worth themselves, keeping in mind what sort of gifts most desis usually give. Now if you will be living there you can still maybe use the stuff or something but who in the right frame of mind would pack up multiple coffee makers, huge vases, crockpots, sceneries that do not match your decor to take with them on a flight? What do you do with the stuff in that case? Salvation Army? beats me! The fact is that most of the gifts will not even have any thought put into them and thus little sentimental value, since half the people that are invited are just invited cos the hosts feel compelled to. If I could only invite the people I wanted at my wedding I could even hold it in my home :D
The first time I saw it on a card I found it a little too blunt too but I have seen it on tons of wedding cards now so am okay with it.
Put the ‘no boxed gifts’ in. My friend got some strange stuff- which she has never used because she didnt put ‘no boxed gifts’ in: She got 3 irons! 2 blenders, suits- which she doesnt want, 2 gold rings which were not to her taste and mountains of decorative items.
now she says i wish I has put no boxed gifts on:smack:
It is a good concept, it just needs to be handled with care. There are a million and one lines better and much less blunt than "no boxed gifts". Comeon people, be creative!