my in-laws have been very rude with my parents, they are sly and very cunning. we have only figured this out in the past few weeks as the wedding planning has started. they are creating problems out of thin air, insulted my parents to their face, are talking badly about them behind their backs, rejected my parents’ gifts, and to top it off are acting as tho we are to blame.
we have not said one bad word to them, and have been nothing but gentle to them in response to their sudden rudeness.
however i am in love with their son, who is totally normal. he is extremely embarrassed and sorry about his parent’s erratic behaviour, but there isnt much he can do.
has anyone had any similar experiences? is it worth it in the end? i dont have to live with them, but i will have to see them every few weeks. and knowing what they did, i wonder if ill be able to forgive them for disrespecting my parents so badly?
i feel so down and upset, and my parents just want to walk away from the whole situation.
Is this the first time the inlaws have acted this way? If so, then let it slip for now because you are in love with the boy. BUT...keep an eye out for signs and if in the future this repeats itself (inlaws behaving badly), I honestly believe you should end it or make it clear to your hubby to be that you will not meet them after marriage. You might not have to meet them for a few weeks at a time but your parents will have to stay in touch (even if it occasional) and the inlaws can keep disrespecting them.
Its always the boys side that cause more trouble because the son has less to lose from a divorce. I know someone in the exact situation as you. The inlaws were doing silly things before the marriage and then once the wedding went ahead, the inlaws were such skanks that they forced their son to divorce the girl after SIX WEEKS! He loved his wife, but didnt want to disobey his parents.
Just be careful and I pray that it is all a one off incident and nothing to worry about.
if you love him and he treats u well and loves u, nothing should stop u from marrying u.
i cant say much about the inlaws cuz i dont know the whole situation and how long they've been acting this way or why they would do something like this, but since u have said u wont be living with them, you should be happy!
u should console ur parents though. being parents, the only thing they would think about is to protect u. and you NEED to speak to ur fiance and tell him that he NEEDS to speak to his parents. either find out if they think ur family did something wrong, or tell them to stop!
u might wana do Istakhara. also his family insulting urs is not sth u shud stand. if ur fiance is teling u tat he cant do nything then sweety think wat wud he do if ur family insulted his family. i'm sure he wont stand it. so u shudnt either.
awwwww I am so sorry you're going through this. You have every right to be upset but seriously if you really love him and your fiance is actually embarrassed that his parents are doing this, then he should have a talk with them.
He has to take a stand for you and be assertive that they can't insult your parents like this. This will also give you an idea of how married life will be coz if his parents say something hurtful about your parents once you're married, he'll be able to be firm with them and take a stand for you. I think you really should let your fiance know that his parents are hurting you and he should have a talk with them. I think it's best to bring it all out in the open then shove it under the carpet coz they are his parents and they will always be around. So instead of them being there and passing snide remarks every now and then that make you upset, it's best that your fiance have a talk with them.
Dear Sana banana ( great name!!) I know of a similar expereince where the MIL ( FIL was great but weak) was cunnining and conniving.. the really sad thing is - although the son was a gorgeous person.. he was manipulated and influenced by mummy dear... in the end even LOVE was dictated by the son thru the mother... its difficult to break that- if the sons weak and cant see past his mom- no matter what u do for him as a wife- that relationship will come out the stronger- sad I know Good Luck
It is only your fiance/husband who can control his parents. He needs to have a talk with them, this is no way to treat your parents. If you or your parents were being that rude to his family, would he ever tolerate it? I don't think so. If this is what they are doing now, how will they treat YOU when you're wedded into their family? If he doesn't have the guts to tell his parents that they are doing something wrong, how will he ever defend you if their attitude with you gets bad in the future? If this is how they are from the beginning, I hate to imagine what they will do when you guys are married. There's no reason why you or your family should have to put up with such crap.
Speak to your fiance, tell him clealy that his family needs to get their act together because you and your parents don't deserve this. If you're going to tolerate it now without saying anything, it's never going to stop. This will make them think it's completely okay for them to say anything whenever they feel like it. And your fiance being apologetic for their behavior doesn't mean ANYTHING at all. Yes he may be a nice guy but is that what he's always going to do? Stand around to see you and your family get insulted and then later just say sorry? If he truly feels so bad, he wouldn't let his parents behave so rudely to begin with. He needs to respect your parents just like his own.
No matter how wonderful or amazing the guy is, or no matter how much I love someone, I will NEVER let anyone treat my parents in such a horrible way. My parents mean the world to me, I will never tolerate any aira ghaira to insult them, even if it's my husband or inlaws. They can go take a hike for all I care.
have a sit down serious discussion with your fiance present in front of your family. make a decision as a group and then your fiance needs to decide what he is willing to do and go from there. discuss everything. how serious he is, what he will tolerate and what he wont. if its just a bit of bickering, ignore it. if its more, you guys need to figure out a solution. not everything has to end in war or fights if people discuss things rationally like grownups.
i have told fiance to take a stand, and he has. but it has only resulted in major fights between him and his parents. the children usually silently obey their parents in their family even if the parents are wrong, and this is the first sign of any rebellion, and his parents are really not taking it well. they have said outright that they dont like my parents (????Why!!!!) and they dont agree to this marriage. i have been soooo nice to them for the last three months, like the perfect daughter in law. i feel so betrayed! now they have tried to 'delay' the wedding, since fiance refused to do that, they are now looking for an alternative cheap venue. i feel bad for my dad who is not rich but is shelling out a lot for my special day at a top central london hotel, whereas this family is rich but are now looking to hold their event at a crappy location (i think just to spite us). i am ready to tell my dad to cancel our event and write me and fiance a cheque for that money, and instead we will do a simple mosque nikkah and let them do their embarrassing function. his mom actually called my mom this morning to say that ''well, its the first function that shud be the nice one. the second function can be anything...''. they are currently demanding that they be allowed more people at our event. i am so ready to call this quits :-( , but everytime i speak to him, i think to myself, should he really be punished for his parents' bad behaviour and tricky politics? Anyway...so much for my dream wedding...
sana.. i really feel for you.
also love marriage, also issues with MIL (and do an extent in-laws). even though she's now okay with me she can still be very rude to my mother. when we were still engaged she was ranting at my mum one day and it basically came out that she blames my mum for us falling in love - that she didn't keep me under control and away from her son. my hubby really stepped up at this point and after that she didn't dare mention anything of the sort again.
my whole family (there's 8 of us) were going to pak for the nikah and we wanted to do it properly to justify us all going and for relatives - she just wanted to do it in the house and keep it as low key as poss so she could pretend we weren't really married. even though in the end it was in front of 500 people she introduced me later on to her friends as her son's 'fiance'.
but hun, my hubby and dad were both strong about where they stood and alhumdulillah it all turned out okay in the end. even though i still had no idea what was going to happen when i was on the plane to Pak. at the end of the day, if you guys really love each other and will stand by each other and hubby is willing and will stand up to his parents when it's actually necessary, then all these things are irrelevant. let them get on with it, you and your family enjoy your event. what matters is that you end up together. i just hope it's not going to be a joint family situation afterwards.
i have told fiance to take a stand, and he has. but it has only resulted in major fights between him and his parents. the children usually silently obey their parents in their family even if the parents are wrong, and this is the first sign of any rebellion, and his parents are really not taking it well. they have said outright that they dont like my parents (????Why!!!!) and they dont agree to this marriage. i have been soooo nice to them for the last three months, like the perfect daughter in law. i feel so betrayed! now they have tried to 'delay' the wedding, since fiance refused to do that, they are now looking for an alternative cheap venue. i feel bad for my dad who is not rich but is shelling out a lot for my special day at a top central london hotel, whereas this family is rich but are now looking to hold their event at a crappy location (i think just to spite us). i am ready to tell my dad to cancel our event and write me and fiance a cheque for that money, and instead we will do a simple mosque nikkah and let them do their embarrassing function. his mom actually called my mom this morning to say that ''well, its the first function that shud be the nice one. the second function can be anything...''. they are currently demanding that they be allowed more people at our event. i am so ready to call this quits :-( , but everytime i speak to him, i think to myself, should he really be punished for his parents' bad behaviour and tricky politics? Anyway...so much for my dream wedding...
Sorry to hear abt what horrible ppl ur inlaws are. But u shldnt worry abt the Valima being held at a cheap place because everybody knw the valima is frm the guy side and if its at a cheap place that will just show how low ur inlaws are...not u or ur family. I think u should have a nice event for barat, try to have everything u want...because in the future u dont wana look back and be dishearted abt the wedding.
Thank god my my Inlaws are nice ppl, but still i have not said one thing abt the venue, decorations or anything regarding the valima ... but if my fiance ever mentions something regarding the valima (like a venue they are looking into which i dont like) i just say "really sweetheart, but that place is so ugly and cheap looking are u guys sure abt it," normally that works like a charm ;)
It's hard to be in that situation. Many of us have been in a similar situation including me. My inlaws gave my mother the run-around a 2-3 days before the wedding with these odd ball demands. They're so stingy it's not even funny. Plus they are plain rude to my mother. I think one of the hardest part for me was when I had lost 30 lbs in 2 weeks from throwing up/diarehha and was really sick. I had to go to the hospital and my mother in law told my husband that he needed to do wedding preparations for my sister-in-law's wedding and that someone else could take me.. I couldn't believe she told my husband he couldn't take me.
I think it's all about control. The in-laws don't want to give it up. They think that since he went against them by picking a girl for himself - that he is going to 'rebel' against them in the future. Thus - the nastiness comes out full force against you and your family as a sort of punishment.
Continue to be the 'perfect' daughter in-law but when it comes to your parents - demand the respect that they deserve. Don't compromise anything for that. Remember - you're parents raised you, brought you up and you're husband and his family only came now into your life.
As for the demands from their side as to having more people at the wedding - kindly tell them that you guys are on a tight budget. If they don't budge then 'demand' that you have more people on your side attend the valima. I had the same thing - grand wedding from my side - crappy valima from their side. In the end - if you have a gem of a husband, nothing should matter - as long as he gives your parents the respect as well. And if your in-laws start getting nasty, he needs to stand up - doesn't matter if he's the son.
I have gone through similar experience with inlaws. I think it's all due to the fact that it's a love marriage. Look at his extended family, maybe this is a first 'marzi ki shadi' so don't expect them to take it so well. Inlaws feel very jealous! If your guy is good and is willing to stand up for you then you shouldn't punish him but you have to be sure that he is going to respond when your inlaws are picking on you or your parents/siblings because it won't stop anytime soon!
best of luck with everything sanabanana :). make sure you pray istikhara and really, really talk to your fiance about what bothers you with their behavior. if he stands up for you and your family, he's a good guy. if not, then i would pray to Allah swt to guide me to make the right decision.
sana.. i really feel for you.
also love marriage, also issues with MIL (and do an extent in-laws). even though she's now okay with me she can still be very rude to my mother. when we were still engaged she was ranting at my mum one day and it basically came out that she blames my mum for us falling in love - that she didn't keep me under control and away from her son. my hubby really stepped up at this point and after that she didn't dare mention anything of the sort again.
my whole family (there's 8 of us) were going to pak for the nikah and we wanted to do it properly to justify us all going and for relatives - she just wanted to do it in the house and keep it as low key as poss so she could pretend we weren't really married. even though in the end it was in front of 500 people she introduced me later on to her friends as her son's 'fiance'.
but hun, my hubby and dad were both strong about where they stood and alhumdulillah it all turned out okay in the end. even though i still had no idea what was going to happen when i was on the plane to Pak. at the end of the day, if you guys really love each other and will stand by each other and hubby is willing and will stand up to his parents when it's actually necessary, then all these things are irrelevant. let them get on with it, you and your family enjoy your event. what matters is that you end up together. i just hope it's not going to be a joint family situation afterwards.