So this is my first thread here. I hope i get some advice.
I am newly married, it has been six months. I have moved into my husband’s house. His parents and two brothers live here with their families.
Me and my husband and parents live on one floor, while the brothers live on the other floor.
The problem I have is, the space is too crowded for me. The floor where i live, it is like the main ‘ghar’. All the guests and relatives they stay here and have to be entertained as such. My parents in law are good people but it is getting quite difficult for me to cope with all the mehmaandari and cramped living space. The other two families have decent living space and guests also don’t go there.
My husband is very attached to his parents so i am not sure how he will react to this situation.
You don't entertain guests/relatives over all the time do you? When it's just you, your husband, and his parents.....it's not so cramped then is it? It seems the addition of guests is what is causing the crowdedness. But when you mention that husband is attached to parents, it kinda (I could be wrong) seems to imply that you want split from his parents to reduce the crowdedness or cramped feeling. Why not talk to your husband about sometimes entertaining the guests on the floor where the brothers live and see how he responds to that. I don't know if his brothers or parents will be open to that suggestion...but I think...it'll be easier to deal with than suggesting that his parents move.
Maybe suggest that some mehmandaari be done in a local park or some venue that is low cost or nearly free, like a beach park. You don't have to necessarily clean it all up on your own, men tend more to help with cleaning at a park anyway, I never see the ladies picking up the trash off the ground at a dawat in a park...
You dont worry about parking hassles. Or of little kids wrecking your dining set, or that mischievous 2 year old who drew on your walls.
That should free up more comfortable space in your living area.
I guess what i am trying to say is that just like you assumed that i hate his parents/family, he might assume that too, and i don't want that. I am just thinking on a subconcious level what to do and how bring this topic up. Thing is there are usually mehmaans over, like at least 2-3 times a month, the kind who stay for a couple of days.
Unfortunately, the brothers and their wives don't do much. All the guests are served by parents, my husband prevously, and now me. The brothers don't do much. I am just kind of mad that they don't have to do anything and still live in peace while we have to do everything and still live in a cramped space.
Do all the bahus have chores, especially for the kitchen work? If not then you should talk to your husband that you are by yourself and it is very exhausting for you. You would appreciate if the chores were evenly divided among the 3 bahus.
At some point you just need to step back...for example do ABC and let the MIL or/and hubby know that you have taken care of these certain tasks and now the other bhabis can take care of xyz. Go to your room, Lock the door, get a shower and then get some rest or do whatever you want to. If someone knocks the door, just don't respond. You have to be very tactful how you present your self, take care of the tasks, not over do yourself, and address the issues.
I guess what i am trying to say is that just like you assumed that i hate his parents/family, he might assume that too, and i don't want that.
So this is my first thread here. I hope i get some advice.
I am newly married, it has been six months. I have moved into my husband's house. His parents and two brothers live here with their families.
Me and my husband and parents live on one floor, while the brothers live on the other floor.
The problem I have is, the space is too crowded for me. The floor where i live, it is like the main 'ghar'. All the guests and relatives they stay here and have to be entertained as such. My parents in law are good people but it is getting quite difficult for me to cope with all the mehmaandari and cramped living space. The other two families have decent living space and guests also don't go there.
My husband is very attached to his parents so i am not sure how he will react to this situation.
Kindly advise.
You haven't said anything negative about your in-laws in your original post for me to think that you "hate" them. However, yes, I did think that maybe you wanted to split from them because you had not addressed (in your original post) the possibility of having the other brothers entertain guests from time to time. Nor had you earlier said that the brothers don't do much. My guesses were based on the limited info provided. I thought.....well...okay...if she hasn't mentioned taking turns with the entertaining...then how else does she want yo uncrowd/cramp things...and why would this possibility hurt/offend the parents. Again, I can only guess based on how much info you tell us.
Now you're saying the brothers and their wives don't do much. This doesn't tell us if you've ever tried assigning responsibilities to them....if lack of interest is deliberate on their part... etc etc. Consider discussing the possibility of taking turns with entertaining with your husband.
To OP. The last line of your post is actually the answer to your question. You know it, don't risk it!
Marriage is about compromise. If you got into it thinking you are going to have everything you way then I am afraid you did jaldbazi in getting married! This is precisely a reason i don't favor early marriages or getting married when people are still immature.
You can have a talk with your inlaws about the guests issue and how its invading your privacy but only after taking your husband in confidence.
If you have a full time job and your house is like a hotel and you are the only one working there then I do understand but if not then you are just lazy.
She doesn't sound lazy at all. Are newly weds, young or old not allowed to have their own feelings? Having to entertain other people's guests 3 times a month and expressing herself makes her lazy? I don't get that.
It sounds like you are just craving some space to yourself. The only thing people will be able to advise is to gently talk to your husband. Wording and delivery is everything since you yourself consider this a sensitive topic. Sit down with your husband when you have some alone time to talk and tell him how you feel. Don't go pointing fingers (brothers, wife's don't do this or that) first just speak about how you feel. Your just a little tired from all of the guests 2/3 times a month, your feeling cramped in the space, don't want to hurt his feelings or give him another kind if impression about his family, but that your just feeling like maybe a lot of pressure with little time for yourself to just relax.
All you can do is be honest, and you know your husband best so you should be able to gauge how to best talk to him. Make it clear nicely that you don't hate his parents or family since you don't seem too. Tell him exactly how you feel but be sure to chose your words carefully. Don't insult get emotional and sk him how he feels about his brothers families not helping, so many guests all the time etc. See if there's a solution he can offer, after all it's home.
How long have you guys been married? Is a bigger place an option? 2/3 over night guests a month anyway doesn't sound fair for you and your husband to be doing the hosting. Talk to him about taking turns and splitting the responsibility.
MashaAllah ... Guests are blessing.
May I suggest something.
1 is it possible to switch to upstairs? Requesting other devar to come downstairs?
2 request some helping hand or a maid to overcome birdone.
3 in a gathering of family suggest that you feel that to better entertain guests it would really help if we can divide some responsibilities and request other bhahis what would they feel most comfortable cooking.. Cleaning .. Etc
4 you sound like a pretty decent girl ...this is an opportunity ... A test of your skills ... Remember the asghari akbari story from Miratul-uroos ...
And last don't loose temper ...
May Allah help us and guide us all.
hmmm can I --- one more hmmmm plz --okie hmmmmmmm ---According to Rules created by ALMIGHTY ----- every relation is created with Limits or Boundaries --and regardless of their status all must retain in their limits and boundaries --without Jumping on each other Throat and At all cost must understand ---Like I say TREAT OTHERS AS U WANT TO BE TREATED --LOVE OTHERS AS U WANTED TO BE LOVED ---CARE FOR OTHERS AS U WANTED TO BE CARED ---having said all that Unthinkable virtues difficult to attain in this UNKIND --MANKIND world -- why the heck even call MANKIND --anyway --UR relative must understand so does UR hubby -Now a MAN should learn to cut the umbilical cord once married he has new boundaries/Limits to defend at all cost --maintaining and protecting without violating others respected boundaries --in other Dumb word of MOI --Learn to balance ----That is the first thing V must learn How V can balance --If V look around us baba (not the neighbor wife shife) -means the nature created by ALMIGHTY the Universe everything is in balance and harmony ---Dang seems like i have nothing else to do except to give lecture --
Baba app Try to see if there is a possibility of expansion to the area where U live slight modification to the living space -a good architect engineer can find space where there is No space --
and obviously Ur hubby must be understanding If he is not ready to cut the Umbilical cord sooner or later he have too --once the family expands (baba babies bhi ttu hotaye hain na ) --also plans for future must be implemented-how what when it would be adequate to move in life ahead with Independence and freedom ---------NO price tag on that one Sachii Sachii bolaye main --FREEDOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Thora aur write karain-------- lil more bakwas or that was good enough ---??? and baba app people itnay difficult English write kartaye hain --even Mulla googllooo Mullan googlllie translator refuse to translate -------
If you have a full time job and your house is like a hotel and you are the only one working there then I do understand but if not then you are just lazy.
If u r newly married then i guess they had a system before u came. They must have always had guests staying over? So how did they manage the work then? Either the devranis pitched in and are not doing that now (seeing u be so hands on and efficient) or they were lazy before (and now) and ur hubby used to help his mom. Either way start with asking hubby how it was done before, and he'll say why and u say that with the other women not pitching in so much ur poor mil must have had to work so hard. Then he'll tell u how it was managed before. Now is ur cue to talk about how ur feeling and u totally understand that mehmaans are a blessing but r feeling a little over worked. The option about entertaining guests elsewhere in the house probably doesn't make sense cuz who goes upstairs to the bedrooms to sit and chat? So what u have to do is reign in the devranis. Do some division of labor but stated in stead of asking would u like to do this or that. If u say it like Mae chicken bana laiti hoon aap shami kebab bana lo. Mae chai bana laiti hoon aap dishwasher load kar do. Whatever give them tasks. If u find it odd Doing that then u can start with oh mil aap thak gai hongi aap mehmaano k pass bethain Mae Bartan uthati hoon Aur farah kitchen tidy kardaigi. Whatever, find a neutral non confrontational way to hand out tasks maybe they'll get the hint. Sometimes it can help if ur hubby is nice enough and understands, then he would tell his bros to tell their wives (without bringing any of u into it) to take on more responsibilities. I mean khana ghar Mae pehlay bhi banta Hoga so someone must be doing something.
And I understand what u mean by cramped space, as in u can't just sit and watch tv because ur mil FIL are probably watching their stuff. And then u have to watch dramas with them cuz the shows u watch u can't be watching with them! Totally get it. But I guess ur going to have to live with that. I think ur room as personal space will have to do. Have a tv put in there, dl ur shows watch them at ur convinience in the privacy of ur room. Or get another cable connection in ur room.
And since ur downstairs u must have to make all the smalltalk with whatever aunty is staying over but the devranis once upstairs no one must bother them cuz now their upstairs. U must already hae a big house then I'm guessing? 2 bedrooms + 1 guest room downstairs and atleast 2 bedrooms upstairs? So I don't know if ppl will actually listen to u when u say u want a bigger house. Yeh so someone's gonna have to get pregnant to even suggest a bigger house. If there is no guest room and they r staying in the living room then maybe a bigger house could be suggested and then get a house with only 1 bedroom downstairs and then u can live cramped upstairs with ur lovely devranis. Or when u go house hunting call dibbs on the most secluded room. I'll post again if I come up with anything else :)
OP, when you say your Brother in laws live upstairs do you mean live have separate portions upstairs with separate kitchen etc or you mean that they have bedrooms upstairs but you guys share the same kitchen etc and have a joint family living set-up.
i am asking this because if they have separate portions then the chances that they would contribute towards entertaining the guests who come to your MIL and your portion are dim because they might be seeing them as your guests and not theirs. they can help you around out of goodness but i don't think that they are ought to help you.
and if they are still living with MIL with only bedrooms upstairs but the house is not divided into separate portions then all of the family members must be contributing towards entertaining the guests that come to the house. and in that case you should talk about this to your husband and your MIL so she can divide the work between all bahus.