Need words of encouragement to give me strength

Lifestyle Relationships
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Salaam all…hope all of you are well InshsAllah

im going through a difficult time at the moment…here’s whats going on.

Got married in late 2008 i knew my partner before we got married, before marriage he always mentioned about wearing hijab and niqab (when he was in deen and praying regularly but does not anymore) and how he would LIKE me to wear it if we got married. When we discussed this topic i never said much coz he knew that i wasnt keen on it.

We went through alot of struggle to get married coz of one side of family was not happy about the rishta…nevertheless the wedding took place. because i was sooo deeply and BLINDLY in love with him I chose to wear the niqab coz i knew it would make him happy. i wanted to please him. I did not think it trough properly as to how it would affect me.

Approx 2months later i realzied it was difficult and i wasnt happy with it…i expressed this to my husband but he just showed his discontent and said something along the lines of " you have been wearing it this long are you going to take it off now" He knows full well how i feel about the niqab…i have no love for it in my heart. this topic comes up often but as always it just gets brushed under the carpet.

since realizing that i am unhappy with wearing the niqab i have been going through depression. it affects me in my everyday life. I keep myself indoors coz i am uncomfortable stepping outside in public places. i want to travel on the bus to go place ie out to town to do bank jobs post office or general shopping for the house.. but i dont coz im afraid of sitting on the bus…fear of abuse…people looking at me like an alien. same with when im in town people stare…makes me so uncomfortable that i have to shorten my stay outdoors.

I have a little girl who will be 2yrs soon and she is always in the house coz i dont step out …this will have some affect on her too which i worry about. I also feel that its a safety aspect too where my daughter is concern when i take her out i feel that the veil prohibits my vision. my child has to be a certain distance infront of me otherwise i cant see her if she is beside me.

The depression has caused me to have mood swings which has an impact between me and my husband. my husband is aware of all the effects that are occurring…all he says is i dont know what to do for you.

The topic has arisen again on saturday…but this time its bigger becasue my sister is now aware of it so is my mother( but she has known this for a while) she has now told my nani (my husband doesnt no this)coz my mother is deeply upset (was crying on the phone this morning)with the situation and is angry with my hubby for not treating me right in this matter. My husband is annoyed at me that my family is aware of my condition. They want me to stand up and be strong in the matter and fight for my right not to wear it.

My husband is not willing to support me if i decide to take the niqab off…He said to me on saturday that it was my choice to wear it so you make the choice to take it off he wont take any part in the decision you know how i feel about it end of. <<< is that not emotional blackmail???

Yes i know he wants me to wear it but when he knows that its affecting me mentally, emotionally etc and causing me harm how can he allow it to carry on??? He is allowing the suffering to continue.

he says to me that a wife is just for the husband and no other man should see her…

my reasons for wanting to take it off is just so that i can do daily things without discomfort without it bringing me down which is not wrong but why does he make me feel im committing such a big sin. im not saying that i want to take it off to meet people go out partying. or to show my face to get attraction.

I want to know from you husbands out there that if you were in this situation would you not support your wife???

Since saturday he has been giving me the silent treatment we havent spoken at all unless necessary…i get hes annoyed but its me thats going through something big he should be giving me strength and comfort but instead he is making me weaker.

I generally have nothing against the niqab if someone can wear it with no issues at all then good for them but niqab is not for everybody not everyone can do it. Its damn hard work wearing it.

the last thing we said was that we would have a sit down with his mum when she comes back from Pakistan and sister and have a chat about the whole issue.

Please please give me words of encouragemnt…im crying :crying::crying::crying: all the time not knowing if im doing the right thing…i just know that i dont want to live all my life suffering.

Thank you for your patience in reading my post …this is a serious matter for me so no childish remarks please

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

It's a serious matter and I don't exactly know what to say but I'll advice you not to plan for anymore children until the matter settles down.

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

Can you may be talk to him and see if initially wearing a head scarf would be good enough ? Would you be a bit comfortable only wearing a head scarf and not the complete niqab ?
Later on as you get more comfortable with the idea of being covered you can move on to niqab as well.
If you think you cannot see your daughter with the niqab that will go away with wearing the head scarf. I have a 2 year old too and if he is walking he usually has to hold my hand, he is not allowed to walk on his own unless it is only the parking lot where he is going towards the car. You can still take out your daughter in a stroller or hold her hands.

I have a couple friends who all wear head scarf and I do not think it looks odd at all. they go out and do everything and I am living in a city where there is a very small desi population as compared to some of the other US cities.
I hope you get the strength to do it and get rid of your depression.

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

Did you observe hijab before starting niqab?

Yes this matter is serious, however, it's something which is solvable by compromise and open communication.

Also your mom is right and you DO need to stand up for yourself.

First, have a serious chat with hubby about the discomfort you feel, and let him know, yes he maybe disappointed but for right now you must take off the niqab ( maybe only wear a hijab?), until you learn and understand it more. Say everything you said here, to his face.

If he does not understand at all: Than I would recommend involving the elders of the family ( parents, older siblings from BOTH sides). And hold a family meeting, see if they can get through to him.

However, the main factor is that hijab/ niqab can be a beautiful thing when you do it from your heart. Therefore, you have to stand up for yourself because at the end of the day, no matter how much a man wants his wife covered, it is an issue between the woman and her body. No one can force her to develop a love for niqab when it's not in her heart.

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

I am happy to wear hijab and jilbab thats what i want to do.... but this is not enough for him. everything i have said here he already knows.....which hurts me more that hes aware but wont do anything to help

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

Would he be open to talk to an imam along with you? If a religious authority ensures your husband that a woman in islam is NOT required to cover her face, would he be more receptive to that? I am sorry i have no other advice but i can totally understand where you are coming from.

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

Shona, this matter is between you and Allah swt. Your husband cannot force you to even make chai for him...let alone make you wear niqab.

When you say he wont support you, what do you mean by that? Is he abusive? Physically? What is stopping you from simply taking it off one day and going about your daily life? Are you afraid of him? What will he do if you just didnt wear it one day?

I dont understand why you're waiting for his mother to come and talk to you about your niqab. What business is this of his mother's?

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

If that's the case, if I were you I would take off the niqab ( considering you wear hijab and jilbab). Give him time to deal with it, and he may come around.

And when his mom comes, maybe she can knock some sense into him?

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

Does he wear a beard, does he wear islamic clothings for me ?or he is in normal western cloths ?

you say he does not pray regulary anymore, why not, if he wants u to do ur duties, he should perform his too.

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

**SORRY, i hate to read long posts but i've skimmed what i could and based on what i understood it is safe to say that:

-ur husband was a religious guy and u gave in to wear Hijaab to make him happy because u loved him deeply

-he is NOT religious anymore

-ur life is a mess because of the continuation of wearing niqaab

-he knows your feelings but he doesn't care and doesn't support you to take ur niqaab off for good. but he has given his permission/approval to take it off if you so decide to

-u and ur hubby plan to have a talk about the issue upon his mom's return to the UK from Pakistan

my advice is as follows:

FIRST of all, i do NOT understand why he doesn't support you when he is NOT a religious person himself.

-Secondly, i would say that Islamically, its YOUR DECISION to wear or NOT to wear Hijaab...there is no compulsion in deen...i understand why he is reluctant to ask you to take the Hijaab off because he has been a religious person and he knows thet it wud be a sin to ask someone to do something that's NOT allowed in Islam.

-Thirdly, i think you must involve NOT just his mom and sisters but elders from both side of the families

i also believe that. at the end of the day, its YOUR CALL to wear or NOT to wear Niqaab. it's your decision to make.**

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

Let me guess at how won't he support you

-he may pout
-he may give the silent treatment
-he may make mean and sneaky comments later when least expected
-he may throw it back in your face
-he may tell his mother and she will side with him

and then you may think
-was all this fighting really worth it over a piece of cloth covering the face?
-how bad you are for starting all this fight?

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

I feel sorry for the poor guy, I think he's the one who needs words of encouragement

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

You want him to ask you not to wear it? Lol. I am sorry but as long as he is telling you go with your choice, it shoud be good enough. You cant make him think like you. Just accept it and move on if you dont want to end up in depression.

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

Why dont you find company of other women also wear hijab and niqab. You can socialize with them. That will make you feel easy as you won't feel you are the only one doing it. Since you did it first to please him then why dont you want to please him anymore? I just think it's evil whispers of shaitan making you upset that what whould happen to your daughter etc. you just have to find activities you can do with niqab on. Life will go on. The best solution is to make dua to Allah to help you through this.

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

WHOA, caring for daughters safety and well being is coming from shaitan! Wow!

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

And you agree with shaitan so… :hmmm:

As for OP, tell your husband that no where in islam is niqab required, but all I can say is that lust blinded you into marrying someone who it seems is very militant about the piece of cloth. I don’t think this is the first time this type of thread has popped up in a pakistani forum, but what I don’t get is why don’t people “get it” based on others’ experiences?

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

exactly....
if he says its your choice then it is Your choice.... he is not gonna support you since he was very clear about niqab even before marriage .....i would say without involving parents or anybody else or creating an emotional drama just solve the matter between you two. .

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

where are men rights? :hinna:

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

Well not really. My understanding is that the poster is just saying that she's making a bigger deal of it than it really is. There are many mothers here who wear the niqab but that doesn't mean that their children aren't safe or unwell.

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Re: Need words of encouragement to give me strength

.