Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

Lifestyle Relationships
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Okay so like i mentioned in a previous topic…my sis is on the edge of a divorce. Am gonn put the complete story here… Plz give me some advice so that we can make a good decission…

My sis got her nikah done a while ago with a boy in pk… The fam s a really rich n wealthy fam and at the time of nikah the full fam was like “naa beshak larka larki shadi key baad yahan raheyn ya europe jayen… Hummeyn koi farq nai parta” n all that.

So second day of nikah the MiL of my sis came to mum and asked mum if we could take her son with us to uk!! Mum explained that she aint gonn do such things and that we would come bacl to pk asap after my sis graduation…have a proper wedding and visa etc for the boy and take him with us.. So okay that chap was closed.

Now that my sis had done her MBA herml called 2/3 times aweek with “ab shadi a ker kareyn na…mera bhi dil karta hey key ghar meyn shadi ho” they were talkin about dec 2012…mum said fwb 2013 we will b inshallah visiting pk for the weddinf start the preps…

Now the fun begins… They suddenly demanded jahez.. Mum n dad finalized tht they would give only a bedroom set for pk…cuz they have given me n my sis a complete house with furniture etc in our jehez in uk… But her mil said i want to have a sofa and bartan bhi maangey… Mum n dad were like sure why not.

So in our fam (also boys fam) rivayat yehi hey key larki key dresses larkey ki side sey atey heyn n larkey key larki ki aide sey… My sisters mil called mum and asked her what suits she would give my sis (rukhsati ya walima)…mum was perplexed and told her that she would discuss it with dad and let her know…she also asked mum how many suites mum would give my sis in her jehez (kehti hey yeh na ho meyn 14 suits banaoon n woh pehne na)! Mum was shocked! She said i am givin my daughter 49 suits…the mil got quiet amd said she will ad some more suits aswell..

Meanwhile my sister needed to apply the visa for her husband…but because of thefact that mom and dad had bought a house for her… They finalized the wedding dresses…juwellery amd furniture for uk n pk…there was no money left for the visa…

My sis asked her hubby to arrange the amount… It aint a big amount for the fam cuz they recently bought 2 plots in isl..guess what the hubby said. " i dont have ny pounds yet… Jab huwey to bata doonga n visa apply kardena.

My sis told dad n he had contact with ger susar…n even he said we have no money. Dad neyn kaha " aap sey hum ney teh kiya tha keu jahez nahi deynge..aap ne maanga hum ney diya…hum ney dresses banaye…tayari ki n now u want us to pay his visa?“”

The fil of my sis said…i have no money…u cam choose…shadi karni hey ya visa lagwana hey ( in other words u can tale my son to uk…without a wedding)
Now the hole thing is key shadi ko kuch din baqi heyn…n tbey r gettin worser than ever…suddenly the fil starts complainin n tauntin like “larki europe ki hey kya pata kesi ho!” (that after 10 months of nikah!!

Nai to larkey ki sode neyn zever order kiya n nai to dresses… Hubby of my sis is ignoring her n doin/sayin what his parents tell him to do or say…when my dad cobvronted the fil of my sis…he said i didnt meant that blabla..

Plz tell me what we should do…my mom n dad r for a divorce…cuz joh larka abhi sey biwi ka saath nai de raha woh agey ja ker kya karrey ga…n jis fam ko abhi sey itni demanda heyn woh agey bhi boht kuch kar sakti hey…lkin my sis is broken…she keeps cryin…she loves her hubby lkin the thing she is afraid of is the talaak lable…

What would u guys do if it was ur sis n this was the situation??

Sorry dor the long story…lkin trust me this s just 50%…it is worser than this…

Ao plz help and remember us in ur prayers

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

A detail:
Dad said eventually to the fil... Okay i am takin a loan for his visa...pay me back later... The fil said no i am not gonn pay....usuul key khilaf hey

N the hubby of my sis said tbe said... He even said they have the money but its againts the asools

Wtf men

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

oh man, this is tough and that is only a decision your family can take. in my honest opinion, your parents are right, your sister will suffer MUCH MORE after the shaadi than she is now. i think you have everything in front of you as an example, take it as a blessing in disguise ke sab cheez samnay aaye gaye palay se. wana shaadi ke bad to aur zada zindigi kharab ho sak thi hain. in logo ka kuyi bharosa naheen. support your sister and be there for her, maybe iss mey allah ki kuyi bheteri ho.

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

sadly, i would also say go with the divorce. save your sister the drama and headache of the in laws and husband who wants to come to the UK. who knows...maybe he would come and later divorce her anyways!

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

All I gather from this is neither side is that wealthy.

If they were really desperate to get their son over here as it sounded in the beginning of the story, and they had the money, I'm sure they would pay for the visa.

And who spends all their money on 49 dresses to not even be left with enough to pay for a visa.

No one seems to have their priorities straight.

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

How much does a visa cost anyway?

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

Less than £1000

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

Sorry, but to be true, the boy is not worth marrying..... !!

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

Sweetlady - it is very hard to read your post because of alot of typograpically errors and roman urdu....

From the numerous wedding in my own khandaan of rishtas that took place between in pakistan or recently immigrated to USA ......the reasons and expectations of marriage are very different. Just because they your sister's inlaws appear to wealthy they may not have a big heart. They may be doing this rishta because they have certain expectations. typically people from abroad go to pakistan because they feel they could get a better rishta there than what is available in Europe or USA or any other place outside pakistan. Like I said the relatives (esp. females) who married abroad had a tough time initially. It took several years for both spouses to adjust. For those that stuck with the marriage it eventually did work out but an enormous amount of patience was required. People from Pakistan will almost always have expectations. most often those men want to immigrated and then evenutally sponsor or support their families. That is the way it is MOST OFTEN. I think they almost always expect that the parents or girl will pay for visa and living expenses of the couple until the boy can find a suitable job.

why did your parents or sister look for a spouse in pakistan? Like I said it was pretty popular for members of my family to go to pakistan to look for grooms or brides in pakistan as they weren't suitable rishtas here 25 or 20 years ago. That is changed tremendously in the last 10 years. Pretty much all of the marriages have to some from USA or Canada. Sort out your priorities......what is common or customary in UK or USA is not the same in pakistan. The brides side has to still be responsible for most of the wedding expensive. There really is no equality in that aspect. In pakistan often ppl want to tell their relatives that their daugther in law bought alot of jahez. Unfortunately it is very difficult to change ppls mentalities.

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Your sister should b v honest n tell her dude all these happenings. And tell him how terrible it was that he wouldn't give money for the visa, it's for him afterall. If his mind set is like his parents, then ur sis needs to b brave n just break it off. It's better things end now rather than after the ruksiti n when possibly children may also b involved.

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

It's 49 suits ....plus a bedroom set for the home in Pak (how long the bride n groom will even stay in Pak.. for it to warrant such a purchase)....oh and the paandey shaandey.....plus the fully furnished home provided by the parents in the UK. Don't know how much they've seen from the guy's side....but OP says that her parents said that they won't give any jahez and then they relented when the guy's famiky demanded it. Apart from both parties not having priorites straight....it seems they cant follow through with what they say...and the guy's family seems lalchi to me.

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

Sweetlady, your parents want a divorce...but what does your sister want? I'm guessing she's still hoping for a shadi or you wouldn't have created the thread. If that's the case...either she and the guy need to reach a compromise or the adults need to settle this this with the mutual agreement to move on and not hold grudges. You could opt to have the wedding...and work out the visa issue later. He said he'll pay once he gets the money...you can wait for that. Or if he said that he'll reimburse you..and.you can choose to pay for now. Or you can pay and not expect any reimbursement and see how life goes when he cones to the UK. More than the visa, your sister needs to pay attention to how she's being treated and decide whether it's worth it to have a two day wedding celebration for show so people won't gossip in exchange for for potential greater misery down the road. Either negotiate in the few days you have and if its to no avail call it off. The guy's side "demanding" things is wrong...why didn't your family just stop when that happened as opposed to coming this far? This point and other things need to be factored in by your sister.

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

Finish it before it get worse... (It is already worse).

If you go ahead... the guy will come to UK and sit around while your sister will have to earn and run the financial affairs of the house.

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Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

Your parents should go for a divorce. Your sister will cry for a while, but at least she wont be crying for the rest of her life. The family nor the guy, are just not worth the hassle.

Plus the guy may be using her to go abroad, then dump her for someone back home. It happens all the time. Your sis needs a reality check.

All the warning signs are there, if you want to ignore then you will have to face the consequences. Its like aah bel, mujhe maar.

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

I am sorry to say but this is your parents' fault. Who said to give this much jahaiz ke logon ke moon khulay ke khulay hi rahein zindagi bhar? What kind of nalaiq damaad are they trying to buy with all of this stuff? Is this guy coming with gold plated teeth or something? I don't get it: A house, 49 suits, furniture sets, sofas, bartan bhanday...larkay ka dimagh kharab hai jo apna visa khud karega? Itna ameer susraal kis din kaam ayega? Beti pyari hai to dengay...zaroor dengay. You guys did this to yourselves...now try to dig yourselves out of it. And just an FYI...people who are so laalchi need to be taught a lesson: your sister needs to let him go otherwise she will spend the rest of her life begging for respect among a family of good-for-nothings who are too lazy to move a muscle because they hit a jackpot with people like you. This is ALL your parents' doing. Not your inlaws because nature made them that way. But larki ka future dekhna maan baap ka kaam hota hai. What on earth is this?

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

My sister? My sister would have her butt hauled home by me if she was in lowe with a buffoon like that.

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

Thanks everyone for the replies!

Sorry for the grammar and roman errors, it was a bit emotional for me to write it all down.

As for the 49 suits, furnished house etc, thats somethin my parents have given to all of us Ma Shaa Allah. The sofa set, bedroom set and household equipments were more likely to have the mouth shut of the inlaws.

As for ghe Visa it was dicsussed clearly that the boy side would pay the expenses. They agreed back than.

Boy and his fam eventually said that they are not willing to pay the visa back, even though the boy said it in the beginning. Suddenly he has changed. About the wealth of the fam, they have a lot of daulat jaydad,zameen and all that (we know that cuz the fams have a blood relation in the far past) and mom and dad had given the rishta after proper check up.

My sister is vrying cuz she feels like she is used. She agreed to marry in pk cuz she left all the decissions to my parents ( my brothers married with a girl in pk and ma shaa allah my sils are amazing). She is not only afraid of the talaal dhabba, but also for what the future might bring.

I opened the thread cuz we r still in a dubio. Cuz this issue is only discussed with the boy and his mom dad. The sisters of the boy are putting weird quotes about perfection and allah knows what on facebook, but my sis is ignoring it. Mom and dad want to discuss is with the elders of the boys father, but he is afraid that that van make things worse...(what do you guys think?)

It is not about the money or wealth from our side. My brothers, husband and Bil from other sister have offered to pay the visa. The thibg is that everyone is scared for the issues that will going to rise after the wedding, when boy gets in to uk.

Another detail: my sister is married according to uk law ( she handed in her nikah nama after the nikah, does anyone know how the talaak procedure will work here?.

We are trying to get things solved this weekend, cuz the flights to pk (of mom dad n my sil) r booked for the end of this week.

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

I think the best is for your parents to go there and handle the things face to face.

But like people said, after all your parents agreed to so many of their demands, it is obvious they will want you guys to pay for the visa? And damn how come the visa is so expensive? I didnt know that.

Another thing, now I dont know where you're located in pakistan, but if your parents are giving your sister 49 suits, bedroom furniture and some bartain waghera. I dont think the inlaws will be satisfied with just this.. From your post it seems as if they demanded "proper" jahez as in sofa, tv waghera and your parents are giving what they think is appropriate, but according to "pakistani standard for jahez" nowadays is HIGH! .. And if they are "wealthy" .. which I'm doubting, then def. they're not satisfied with what you guys have offered..

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

^^^ jahez is givin 1000% but in the uk! My parents gave us all a house fully furnished with all the thi gs needed n done :)... ANd now they r givin it double (things my sis never gonn use, cuz she will not stay for a long time jn pk)...mum.n dad even us everythin but in the uk as we r living here. But cuz of their demands they are makin double expenses.

My parents r not only giving suits, and bedroom furniture, a tv s added for her bedroom aswell... And they r givin ma shaa allah gold and diamonds aswell ( not only for my sis but also for her mil and sils!

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Re: Need ur advice and prayers during this hard ttime...

It's not just the demands and the greed, there's also the lack of respect and trust to contend with. They agreed to pay for the visa...then said they can't because they don't have the money...rather than be appreciative when you father said he'll pay for it, they only developed an attitude and said they won't pay him back for it; they can't adhere to agreements so they can't be trusted. Seems more like a business deal..woh apnay betay ko baich rahay hain and your side is "buying" him by surrendering to their "demands" and thus diminishing your own value in this twisted equation. That said both sides are at fault. You can attempt resolving matters face to face as sweetmoi suggested, but I don't have the highest hopes for this rishta. I wouldn't go through with it.