i have been married for 3 years and have known my husband for 5 + years now… (its a love + arranged marriage) .. we have a beautiful daughter masha-Allah.. recently the things are going very rough between us… i live with my in laws but there is not enough space to live comfortably for everybody… and i have a strong desire to move on my own… however i do know that as a son my husband has certain liabilities and i dont mind that at all.. and honestly speaking i dont want him to turn away from his parents.. but i gave him a suggestion that we can live in the neighbour too but he says that he will rather leave me than his parents…
my relationship with my in laws is okay… there has never been an argument… because we hardly ever talk… i have tried several times to talk to them but i really feel lika a stranger… yesterday i heard them making fun of me.. and my husband was right there and he didnt say a word…
when i asked him about this he got mad and now is not talking to me… i wanna leave this marriage but i have a child … o and also i support myself and my daughter financially bcuz he gives all his money at home… so i think it woudnt make any difference …sigh
Dont make decision in the heat of moment hooria. Its sad your husband is behaving that way. But remember its love marriage. You people had compatibility so you have come this far. It maybe that he doesn't like to see straight finger pointing at his family. So try to make him realize what is not right. If you people are on the same wavelegth it would be easy for you to understand and agree with each other.
You want to leave a wonderful marriage because there is not enough space to live COMFORTABLY with your in laws? You stated yourself your relationship with your in laws is ok, not bad. Ok, so they made fun of you. That was not appropriate, but they are human beings they are going to make mistakes. There are plenty of women that are put through physical, and mental abuse by their in laws. All of their rights, property, and possesion are taken. Maybe you should sit down and talk to your husband and let him know calmly how that makes you feel, or you could always sit down with them, after all their your parents as well. You're saying that you and your in laws hardly speak. Maybe you dont have much interests in common. However you share a family member. That should be enough for everyone to be able to get along reasonably. Maybe you can't strike up a conversation, but you can always take them out. Maybe to get coffee, dinner, shopping, picnic, museum. ETC. I'm sure you will have plenty to talk about when you get home.
You have to understand these people are older. You are very lucky to be young, their jawani is long gone. Now I am not saying you are wrong, but it sounds like there is so much you can do to take control and make them feel, wanted, loved and welcomed. They really need your husband, just like you will need your son when you are their age. Maybe your husband stated he rather leave you, because he felt that you were wrong and overeacting.
A lot of time, people fail to see that a negative conversation or action is a cry for help. Communication is key, which you stated yourself is minimal. That is your problem right there. Start communicating and create a good relationship with your in laws. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, it may be very hard. But it will be a lot easier than losing a husband, roof, family, and going back and forth to court for custody of your child. I really dont mean to be harsh, but I dont think you should ruin your marriage by making a big deal out of what you have stated is going on.
I also feel like you are not telling us the whole story. Either way, stay strong, and treat everyone well, and you will receive the same in return. :)
Leaving your husband would be a rash decision especially given that while the issues may feel big in your mind, it's nothing that can't be resolved with action and discussion.
You mention that the house feels too small - why not buy a larger house if space is the issue. It would still be cheaper than having two homes (your in-laws place and your own).
As far as being disrespected - that's on your husband - he should have stood up for you. Speak to him about it and tell him how it made you feel. He needs to take responsibility for his actions or lack of action in this matter. Ask him how he would feel if your family did the same to him - what would his expectation of you be in a similar scenario.
And one more thing, while it's great that your husband is supporting his parents - he also has an obligation to you and your child. He can give part of his income to his parents - but he should also be making a financial contribution to you and your daughter's needs.
**Hooria to tell you the truth my breaking point would be my husband telling me that he’ll leave me before he leaves his parents (), which lets make it clear you said you want to be living in the same neighborhood just a different house. How exactly is that him being separated from his parents?
There is no respect in this relationship from him. So you both need to have a major talk and put everything on the table. And figure out whats important to you both and how you both can work on your priorities while being married to one another. **
so you've been married to this guy for 3 years...and your relationship has become rough only recently. what changed most recently that your relationship is going downhill. obviously you have been living in the same house for 3 years and have dealt with the in-laws the same way for all that time. if everything was good and you were happy enough to decide to have a child with him obviously you weren't thinking about moving out on your own at the time. so i think in order to find the real cause of your relationship going south you have to figure out exactly what event or situation triggered this change? Have you two been fighting more recently because your daughter's needs and expenses are probably growing with her and it is becoming more and more difficult for you to afford it on your own? Is this the first time you have spoken up about your inlaws treating you unfairly in the 3 years? Or has he always reacted strongly to your wanting a different house? I like the idea of you guys just getting a bigger house for everyone to move into...in fact buy a house with two separate units so you have your own kitchen, dining room, living room etc and maybe don't have to deal with inlaws on a daily basis while still living "together".
i have been married for 3 years and have known my husband for 5 + years now... (its a love + arranged marriage) .. we have a beautiful daughter masha-Allah.. recently the things are going very rough between us... i live with my in laws but there is not enough space to live comfortably for everybody.... and i have a strong desire to move on my own... however i do know that as a son my husband has certain liabilities and i dont mind that at all.. and honestly speaking i dont want him to turn away from his parents.. but i gave him a suggestion that we can live in the neighbour too but he says that he will rather leave me than his parents....
my relationship with my in laws is okay... there has never been an argument... because we hardly ever talk... i have tried several times to talk to them but i really feel lika a stranger... yesterday i heard them making fun of me.. and my husband was right there and he didnt say a word...
when i asked him about this he got mad and now is not talking to me... i wanna leave this marriage but i have a child ... o and also i support myself and my daughter financially bcuz he gives all his money at home... so i think it woudnt make any difference ...sigh
Emotionally speaking, you might feel distant and abandoned right now. I understand. However, since you have a daughter now its not going to be that easy to walk away from your husband. Just like mothers can never be replaced...fathers cannot be replaced either.
My suggestion is for you to give it some time...dont make any decisions in anger because those decisions are always bad. Give yourself time to cool down, give him some space and then approach him in a manner he understands. Dont complain to him about his parents because men dont listen to that. They simply dont react the way we want if you say anything about their mummy papa.
I think the bigger issue is not your inlaws...its your bond with your husband. I believe the hardest of obstacles can be conquered if you have a loving and supportive spouse. You should try to strengthen that before you tackle any other issue.
Hooria,he sounds like a mama's boy to me. Things are fine...as long as you comply without complaint about living conditions and his giving all his income to mommy and daddy. Its one thing to love and support your parents but its quite another to worship them to the exclusion and detriment of your wife and children. He laid out his feelings plainly when telling you that he chooses parents over wife and children.
Since you're already independent with your own income without having to rely on him for anything, you could easily get a comfortable place for you and your daughter, letting your husband know that he is more than welcome to join you.
Thank you all for great replies. i know that i am extremely mad at him .. but even then i tried talking to him and there is no reply from his side...i dont understand that i am not at fault and he is the one not talking to me and i am still trying to talk to him...
yes the issues got bitter recently when i told him that i do have a desire to have my own space.
we dont even sleep in the same room for months now because of the space issue.. me and my daughter sleeps in one room and my husband sleeps in another...
my FIL is in control of the whole expenses and they still treat my husband like a child.. he has to give details about every penny that he spends...
i do have alot of anger build up inside me in the past 3 years but now i cant take it anymore...
i wont separate but this stress is affecting my health.. i am already on antidepressants.... :-(
its perfectly fine.. he is masha-Allah in a good health... and honestly speaking i dont want my husband to turn away from his duties... but its time that he should take responsibility for his wife and daughter.
Thank you all for great replies. i know that i am extremely mad at him .. but even then i tried talking to him and there is no reply from his side...i dont understand that i am not at fault and he is the one not talking to me and i am still trying to talk to him...
yes the issues got bitter recently when i told him that i do have a desire to have my own space.
we dont even sleep in the same room for months now because of the space issue.. me and my daughter sleeps in one room and my husband sleeps in another...
my FIL is in control of the whole expenses and they still treat my husband like a child.. he has to give details about every penny that he spends...
i do have alot of anger build up inside me in the past 3 years but now i cant take it anymore...
i wont separate but this stress is affecting my health.. i am already on antidepressants.... :-(
You didn't state all this before. How old is your daughter? Why can you your husband and your daugther sleep together? Do you and your daughter sleep on a twin bed?
You didn't state all this before. How old is your daughter? Why can you your husband and your daugther sleep together? Do you and your daughter sleep on a twin bed?
i didnt state this before because the topic was getting pretty long... yeah me and my daughter sleep on a double bed... there is only room for 2 people.. she doesnt sleep in her crib...
its perfectly fine.. he is masha-Allah in a good health... and honestly speaking i dont want my husband to turn away from his duties... but its time that he should take responsibility for his wife and daughter.
Seems to me like he's already turned away from his duties by turning away from you and your daughter. The whole sleeping separately thing is really weird. Hope he comes to his senses soon and starts talking to you in a proper way and you guys find a solution to this. Hang in there!
You want to leave a wonderful marriage because there is not enough space to live COMFORTABLY with your in laws?
How is it a wonderful marriage if he says he would rather leave her than his parents and he's giving her the silent treatment for being upset at his parents' behavior? (If someone I live with never spoke to me yet made fun of me, I think I have very right to be upset!)
*You guys not sleeping together is not only his fault, also yours. Why do you need to keep your daughter in the bed with you? obviously its one of many things bringing a drift between you both. Get her out of there and find a way to get closer to your hubby emotionally. *
Hooria, your husband is still a little boy living with his mommy and daddy. He gets the added bonus of having you around and making babies with you so that he can "play house" and feel like a grownup. Yet, he gives his paycheck to his daddy and has his mommy and daddy run the house as they always have. You and your daughter figure into the whole scenario only as "extras".
A real man can take charge of his life and his finances, care for his parents AND his wife and children. I'd be willing to bet that your husband has never made a single big decision on his own in his lifetime, without giving his parents full control over it.
I am not going to encourage divorce. You obviously saw something to love in this guy. So he does deserve a chance. But without your taking a huge step, he will never break free of the apron strings. You have the means and the ability to get your own place so why not give it a try. Make sure to let your husband know that he is most welcome to join you and your daughter but that a more independent life is what you are going to have.
I also do not mean to imply that he should abandon his parents. Financial support to them is admirable. Giving them complete control over his life is not. Thats just dysfunctional.
okay so now he is saying that he is gonna talk to his parents about all the issues i have and how he never took responsibility of his wife and kid and gave all the money to his parents...
so pretty much he is gonna make me the bad one... o GOD... i dont even feel like going home
**Mama I agree that he needs to have control over his life, not his parents. The mans got separation issues. but since when is sleeping in different beds a functional way to make a marriage work?
Hooria, at least he's talking, right? Its a start and hopefully a positive one! If it starts going downhill again, I would recommend like mama said, to initiate moving out and ofcourse him coming along with you! **
), which lets make it clear you said you want to be living in the same neighborhood just a different house. How exactly is that him being separated from his parents?