need to vent too...hubby and inlawsss

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: need to vent too...hubby and inlawsss

Abhay yaar. I don't get that. I never saw this with my dad. He quit one of his jobs and that very day he got on the phone aggressively looking for positions. Dude had a job in 3 days and that was when we were in recession. And he has a friggin bachelors degree.

I don't know how the UK works, but he didn't get any internship experience when working on his education? He isn't in touch with profesors or other students who have connections which can open up doors?

Comon yaar. Playing psp with a pregnant wife and she has to nag you to look harder? She shouldn't be lifting a finger except to cook the bindhi.

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Re: need to vent too...hubby and inlawsss

^Criticizing him won't help... be positive, she's already hormonal and she knows where he's wrong.... she needs some pointers from us, not more criticism. help if you can, otherwise move on to another thread.

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I haven't read what everyone has said already, but this is what I think.

Usually the most important things in our lives are the most difficult to do. His job and career are probably VERY important to him, and then knowing that there is a baby on the way puts more pressure on him. If he is the sole earner, that is a responsibility he is aware of. And to top that, the worst one, his parents have certain (high) expectations from him and he doesn't want to disappoint them. There is a lot of pressure on him.

TALK to him. Talk to him about what is really going on. Don't do it to get him to start looking for jobs, do it to understand it and help him understand it. I don't know how intuitive you and your husband are. Most people aren't aware of how many other psychological factors push them to act in ways they would rather not. But talking is the only thing that can help one discover that, AND paying close attention to yourself and your feelings.

Carl Jung, one of the greatest psychologists, believed that marriage is a therapeutic relationship, if done right. If both the partners are willing to really listen to the other person and be honest with their opinions (as well as compassionate) and honestly share their own selves and experiences, you won't need any therapists to deal with the minor life issues.

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:hugz:

Men are not that easy to communicate with sometimes unfortunately…:nahi:

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Re: need to vent too...hubby and inlawsss

but did u not mention in one of your recent threads that u guys are planning to settle in Pakistan after the baby's arrival? .... so if you have the money to pay the bills for now and then going backhome in few months (since u r already 6mons preg. ) then why worry?

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Re: need to vent too...hubby and inlawsss

I don't know if this would help Nadz.........but maybe he's not doing much because he's getting used to YOU doing "everything" for him in this situation.

Tell him that you're not going to help him......and calmly explain to him that since there's a baby on the way, it's even more important that he find a job soon so he can support a family. And then back off......and don't nag him. When he sees that you're not going to do everything for him..........the FEAR of unemployment may soon enough creep into his head and scare him into spending more time on job hunting than on the playstation.

Be patient while he's searching for jobs though. With a strained economy....you need more patience in landing a good job.

****Also when the economy is strained....you have to put yourself out there to get a good job. It may require more than just submitting a resume electronically. You may have to make more personal interactions. For example.....calling the company to show your interest. You could even create a portfolio containing your resume and recommendation letters.....make it look professional....and then drop if off at a company for review. This shows them that you have an active interest.....and it gives them more to look at than just a resume. They'll get to see the resume AND the recommendations beforehand...which could possibly lead to a request for interview faster.

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Re: need to vent too...hubby and inlawsss

enjoy and take care of your health. no bills and money in the bank. take it easy. :) no need to nag your husband. he'll come around when he wants to. just chill

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Re: need to vent too...hubby and inlawsss

When we first got married, hubby moved here from the UK. He was able to find a brief contract job initially, but then he was out of work for quite a while. I was working and mashAllah we had savings. Plus we had both sets of parents around to help. I NEVER nagged him about it because I knew he was looking and that he wanted to be employed. But it did drive me crazy that I would come home and he'd be playing video games and such. I knew he spent time working on applications, but it did seem to me that the sense of urgency was not there. Part of it was fear of lots of people saying no. I think sometimes he was afraid to look and apply. Anyway, after a while, when we went out to dinners and such, I think it became hard for him to talk to other people who were doing so well. I became worried about his sense of self esteem and self worth. I think his parents talked to him a lot to and asked him how it was going -- encouraging him to try different options and listening to his experiences without making him feel ashamed. He did find a decent job after a while. After 1.5years there he moved on to a great job and is mashAllah doing really well.

I guess I don't have advice for you. But I do understand how frustrating it can be, and it is too bad that his parents aren't helping him to approach the situation in a mature manner. Who is supporting you? Maybe your parents and his parents should not support him you and baby.

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maybe cus sense of responsibility hasnt kicked in yet? even though they are having a baby, for most men, until they see the baby or the birth, they dont quite connect.

I believe nadz hubby is living with the inlaws right now and prob hasnt gone through the responsibility of paying bills, rent, food and stuff like that

nadz, inshallah it'll work out. Let him keep trying, and im sure he'll understand. Just talk to him in a sensitive manner as in understand his feelings and the reasons why he may think the way he does. He probably wants to provide the best for his child, as in be in a good job for his child to see... everyone wants that.

Hang in there..

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Re: need to vent too...hubby and inlawsss

this just proves the fact that just because you're married and have (or abt to have) kids, doesn't mean you've grown up.

I think you're on the right track, if evolution hasn't occurred naturally, you're just gonna have to force it. :)

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Re: need to vent too...hubby and inlawsss

well if he cant find a job now what do u want him to do.. jump off a cliff?

u knew he came from paksitan..u married him by ur choice

maybe u hsould have waited until he had a secure job until u decided to stop the birth control

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Re: need to vent too...hubby and inlawsss

I think some of u people just need to calm down.

She's allowed to vent.. and they obviously decided "together" they wanted to have a baby.

Please get off ur high horses, just because your lives maybe a little bit more stable or whatever.

Everyone has their own issues... and for some reason, a lot of guppies jump at whatever nadz posts. Give her a break. If it were some other user, a few of u would have not be posting the way you are

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:k: I was feeling the same. above all she is pregnant please be nice to her.

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Re: need to vent too...hubby and inlawsss

Yeah I think so too. I don't know people are even focusing on the fact that she is pregnant. Obviously that's not the issue here. I am sure she is happy with it.

Also she didn't mention anywhere that he isn't looking for his own field job. So I don't understand why people are saying that he needs to be looking in his own field. Anyone would start looking in their own field first. I am sure he isn't getting lucky that's all..

Ok so nadz.. I know its hard for you. Its hard for a lot of people that are out of work. My dad's been out of work for a while. Everyone kept blaming him for not finding a job although I am sure he was looking for a job. It just seemed like he wasn't because he wasn't applying at too many companies. Its frustrating. We were extremely low financially. Its not easy at all. And on top of that... my parents didn't have enough savings either. He did finally got a call from the same company that laid him off. That's what he wanted. You need to do your job as a wife and keep encouraging him to apply... apply for odd jobs too. See the thing is sometimes odd jobs help you find good jobs. My first real job was thru my odd job. I knew someone who was working with me at the odd job for extra money who wanted help at her office. You need to tell this to your husband.

Be your husband's strongest support. Tell him that the day he finds a good job, he can quit the other job. But in the mean time, this is better than sitting at home and not having any sort of income whatsoever. I don't think that he isn't putting enough effort in finding a job, he is just being picky which he shouldn't be because he is unemployed and has you and will have his child IA to take care of.

As far as your parents in laws are concerned, once your husband is determined and finds no shame in doing an odd job, you are fine. You need to talk to him and make him understand. Forget what they are saying. If he understands and listens to you, that's all you need.

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Re: need to vent too...hubby and inlawsss

I don't blame you Nadz, It's his responsibility and he should see it that way. Even if he has to work in Maccy D's with a Masters who gives a toss so long as he provides for you and the baby which he should. I hate this ' what will people think' attitude when your in such a situation. If he cares so much about his prestige and does not wanna get his hands dirty then tell the in-laws to send over a few grand every month to support you guys.

When it comes to the crunch he should be earning bucks regardless of his education level, yeah inshAllah his dream job will come along when it's time but now the situation is urgent, yes you are pregnant and you need a regular flow of income because babies do not come cheap so anything should do for him. He needs to realise this, and looking for a job is a full time job in itself. Sorry but playing on psp while applying for 5 jobs a day is NOT ENOUGH, the more jobs he applies for the more agencies he registers with the better his chances are. If he wants to live in the UK, he needs to realise that to have a good standard of living he will need to work his butt off not live scott free off his in-laws. I wonder what his mother and father think about him being a ghar jamai then? Doesn't that embarrass them? For God's sakes.....

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Thanks guys for those that supported me, sadzz etc BIG HUGSSS******
I guess i could post a thread proclaiming that i will give half my savings to charity and help the poor for free, as well as hand out hundreds of dollars/pounds to you lot here on GS, and il probly still get people jumping down my throat here!! :/

Anyway, thing is, u guys are using ur knee jerk reaction.....and assuming he isnt looking at all, and isnt aware of his responsibilities and wants to be a freeloader...the only reason we are at my mothers, is because before we were living in rented accomodation and he was working and paying rent etc, then i fell preg was sick alot in the begining and i was always running to my mums because i hated being alone during the day while he went to work and he would offer to drop me there incase i was sick while alone etc, and hes a very caring mashallah hubby and so suggested once our rent contract up why dont we go and stay at mums until baby born....we moved out when i was 4months...so im now 6months so ive been here for 2months....and if he wanted to be a freeloader he wouldnt have suggested/insisted we move out in the first place.....he used to live with us before marriage anyway, and felt it was wrong to continue living with inlaws after marriage plus he was in employment...now he isnt, and im not well at times, it made sense to move to mums..its certainly not a permanent solution.

funny how we thinks its ok for a guy to live with his parents and wife...but as soon as the guys decided to live with his inlaws..we all assume its because hes a freeloader....we want equal treatment, yet we have our prejudices when we recive it....

and to get back on topic-he is looking, just not as badly as maybe I THINK HE SHOULD....he does know his responsibilities....and he wont work in a food place because he doesnt want to touch haram food/cook it etc...which i agree with, and he wont work in a supermarket because it sells alcohol.and he has his principles on it and i agree......my dad had a newsagent when we were younger and he didnt sell alcohol...i think his priorities are right.

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Nadz hun, please attempt to stop stressing and see if any of the advice given can be applied to your situation as the last thing you want is for you and baby to become stressed/ill because of it.

Firstly, a close friend of mine got married a while ago and her husband is also educated to masters level-he too only looked for jobs in his field. Sadly due to financial difficulties no new posts were coming up in the job he is qualified for. He sat around, annoying his wife and it's caused massive headaches within her family. My friend is struggling to concieve-why? Because stress doesn't help anything (and Allah has a plan for us all). My friend works in a nice job for HSBC, however it's not really the same as your husband working and you being given the opportunity to concentrate on homelife. It's not because the brother wasn't looking for a job it's because he wasn't looking as hard as she felt he should-just like you. It gets hard, it gets stressful but as long as you try to get out of the situation your damn hardest it will be something you can look back and say 'we learnt from that'. What doesn't kill you Nadz will make you stronger-just always remember that.

I understand that your husband is thinking ALOT about what his parents may think-the realistic fact of the matter is he too is now Mashallah a parent to an unborn child. He needs to prioritise that baby, and look for a job even it's a temp one in a field that pays less and is not what he hoped for. All of us make sacrafices for a better life, for our loved ones I'm sure your husband understands this and maybe the whole situation is system overload and I'm sure he'll soon be running around giving in CVs everywhere and looking for a job at the pace you think is suitable given the circumstance. If he finds a job (any job) it will help you stress less too. It will give him confidence too to go out there and knock the socks off other future employers. I understand the element of wanting to work in a halal environment-my local KFC is now certified Halal, and I know we have many food places that are Halal-would he consider working at a halal place? How's about places that sell things like Halfords-nothing haraam is coming to mind? How about travel agents?! Just a thought, I know you'll think of more which are more suitable.

A diversified CV has never harmed anyone. My CV included fast food chains, voluntary work, call centre work, running my own businesses, working for the government...and it hasn't done me any harm it only adds to my experiences. He's applying for jobs, that's a positive, he now needs to look outside the field and look at other jobs too-Puchi Kuchi hit the nail on the head with her statement in regards to even working at McDonald's with a Masters-Inshallah he'll soon be working on the same wave-length as you.

For a fab standard of life, or for a career others desire/envy/would kill for we need to work hard for it. Nothing is earned without hardwork and I know you know that and so does other half of yours-it's just when you work hard on a Masters it can make you feel low when you can't find something on a level you know your worth.

Try to avoid any arguementative situations with other half, and try to be supportive too and explain how it's making you feel and how you want the BEST for everyone all round.

Good Luck

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Re: need to vent too...hubby and inlawsss

i've found this as typical of most husbands from pakistan.

here, men and women know that regardless of education when push comes to shove if you want to earn a living you do whatever is available, whilst trying to find something better.

most pakistani's (the ones who come here anyway) have a stick up their butt re: education and think that it means you're too good for other jobs blah blah blah.

my cousin had the same problem with her husband and he's working retail now too after a lot of effort on her part. you nagging won't do anything. you need an elder (male) who can talk to him in a way that will get through to him and make him realise that you and your baby come before what his family in pakistan will think. he shouldn't need to tell them every little detail anyway.

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thanks princess- hes applying FOR ALMOST EVERYTHING except places lke haram food selling/alcohol selling. so he has applied for sales positions everywhere else retail etc.

he even has a security badge licencse, so he can do security jobs, we are applying there too, so hes looking everywhere. and his parents dont help by adding pressure, its not as if they are nagging daily, but he knows his parents mindset...the mother is a head lecturer and father is chief exec of a muiltnational, both have degrees, i think mother has masters. his sister and brother are doctors....so can you imagine!!!!!

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Re: need to vent too...hubby and inlawsss

awww man... i feel for him. cant be easy coming from such an educated family with such great jobs.