i often read different problems on this forum regarding life and relationships and have aways found that some really good advice is given by many of you and so i here to present my own problem
i have been married for the last five and a half years and we have 2 beautiful kids.we are living a comfortable life but something is ruining my marriage.the problem is from the day one my hubby doesnt like the way i talk.even i sometimes dont like the way i talk.i am loud and quick to loose my temper.and i can tell you why.
i am,most unluckily,like my father.he is a great father and husband but like most pakistani guys,he was quite loud and quick to loose his anger(i know i am repeating my self)my mother on the other hand is your typical pakistani wife.always polite and very soft.it was not like my father was oppressive in anyway.my mom is a professor and my father have given her every facility and freedom possible.but he was and still is domineering and at time quite impolite.and i have followed his path.
i am speaking loudly with my husband even if we are talking about a normal subject.and he gets really put off.i tried telling him that it is not my intention to be rude or imppolite but he is no more paying attention to it.i think i fulfill my job as a wife and mother to good extent but my loud behaviour which my hubby take as a rude behavior is causing a lot of trouble.he was brought up in a typical pakistani mahool in which women are usually very quiet and soft which i am not.his mother and sisters are very soft and very quiet although they all are opiniated.sometimes in anger,i say some really nasty thing which i know in my heart no other pakistani man will tolerate but my hubby does but now i think he is getting really fed up.
he is a very nice man,a very nice father,but he is getting frustrated now and does not speak to me and look at a lot as if he doesnt like to and it is very sad and insulting to me.
so tell me what to do.i have tried to be kind and soft spoken but how can you erase your 25 year of family life in which you were brought up and become a different person in 5 years.excuse my for the long rant but i am very worried about my marriage.
Its a very hard thing to change a habit thats been ingrained for years. But you CAN. Make rules for yourself and stick to it:
Before speaking:
-take a deep breath, breathe in, breathe out.
-count to 5
-think of something serene like a calm lake or a sunset over the mountains.
THEN speak. Do this for every sentence, for every single reply, for every conversation you start.
This is difficult for sure. Write it down. Practice. Reward yourself when you do it successfully, punish yourself a little bit when you dont follow your rules.
I’m sorry your going through this.
I can relate a bit as I am the louder person in our marriage as well..I have toned down a bit in the last 6 years , but it’s an ongoing effort I guess.
Hope things work out soon.
Honey, change doesnt come over night...this wont either.
You HAVE to train yourself. There is no stopper, plug, drug, etc you can take for this...its a behaviour change YOU have to implement in yourself.
When you get angry...dont say a word! Put a plug in it and walk away...think about it for at least an hour before you respond. Count to 10 slowly and between each number...recite a Surah. This helps immensely when Im angry beyond words.
Im not loud but I can explode if pushed that far...which rarely happens.
This has to be a priority and fixing it will be a daily obsession until it becomes second nature. Just like when you were having your children, every step you took was careful and concerned about their health and well being.
^psq, it's not just that. i can relate to the poster so much, the only difference is that hubby is the only person who makes me softer.. but even then occassionally that part of me comes out.
it's not always about being angry or anything like that; even in a normal conversation if it's something i'm passionately speaking about it can sound like i'm shouting at the other person. completely inherited from my dad. thankfully, he knew i was like this before marriage and he'll always just remind me of what i'm doing when i'm doing it. and i don't take offense, because i know it's my prob and i stop and take a breath and start again keeping a check on myself.
i tried telling my hubby too to remind me again and again when i am being loud but he says that he cant do it each and every time.i am so totally silly at times on arguing over very mionor stuff and regretting later.i am sick of it even myself.i wish there was a way i could handle it easily.you know what they is right.your tongue will take you to heaven or hell.i am in hell.
i tried telling my hubby too to remind me again and again when i am being loud but he says that he cant do it each and every time.i am so totally silly at times on arguing over very mionor stuff and regretting later.i am sick of it even myself.i wish there was a way i could handle it easily.you know what they is right.your tongue will take you to heaven or hell.i am in hell.
:(
but PSq is right, only you can change yourself. of course it's not going to be easy but it comes down to how much you want to. hubby needs to be patient too yea, but it sounds like he has been patient for a long time and it's taken it's toll. so you need to really, really put in 100% effort to change before the relationship is beyond help.
hopefully other users will give some excellent advice and something will work for you. Mama's above was very helpful too.
i think you should go on some kind of talking strike. just doooo not talk apart from what is completely necessary, like with the kids. do this for a few days and then start bringing yourself out of it, hopefully then even you will notice your own voice now after not talking for days and can keep a check on it. there will be a lot of tongue biting but it will get you in the habit of doing that, which is what you need.
and think about what effect it's having on your children? do you want them to grow up in that kind of environment like you did?
you know, my dad gave us the best advice, quite some time before we were married and it was only two words.
we were weighing my dad's suitcase and being kind of snappy with each other over something to do with it (i don't remember now) for no reason other than that's how we tend to talk and all my dad said was 'pyar se..'.
that shut us both up and every time i get crazy with hubby that pops into my head.
Separation is the only way for him to realize and become self aware and hopefully, he will return out of his own volition to you and say heart felt sorry to you, to fend for his wrong doing.
it is an automatic tight of any woman or man, if the spouse is rude or delibrately mean, that they must hit the road.
otherwise, you are damaging yourself, your spouse is already alienating you, out of his own failure and mindless sense of belittling you to his own disadvantage
and as for the weak argument with which women, mostly are reigned, that for the sake of child.ren, stay in the marriage and exist in the same space, with the spouse... that is just as good as horse-s-h-i-t or cow dung.
great advice, i think you shoudl defo try this out
And please dnt worry u arent the only one in this situation, my cuzn got married a few back ,and she talks just the way u described about ureself and her husband in and in-laws spoke alot more softly, her husband gets so annoyed at her, but she's mellowed down a bit, but when her husband does complain she tells him that he has to like her 4 who she is, and the fact that it was a love marriage he should have noticed this b4 he asked 4 her hand in marriage!
My brother made only one request when he got married "I want a woman with no tongue" because he had 4 sisters who talked all the time!
Its normal for women to be more talkative than others and not all women are 'blessed' with soft voices.
I have a habit of talking very fast when I get engrossed into my conversations and my hubby also hated it. It was only when I was doing teacher training that my instructor pointed this flaw out to me as well and that is when I decided to do something about it.
I actively listen to myself talking and try to control the speed and tone of my voice using delibrate words. I am not 100% successful but with time and practise you will learn to improve.
Practise at home by speaking out aloud (I used to have conversations with myself or practise a lesson I was preparing out loud). Use the children as practise as well.
It is hard for men to understand that you cant just change over night but perhaps you should try to reduce your conversation with him and in front of him with others until you feel you have better control.
Dont fret and this is nothing to panic over. Use this as a great excuse to find other ways to communicate with him like writing notes, emails, and small post its etc...
To quote a great line from Hitch, the movie "60% of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30% is your tone, so that means 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth."
sheeeeesh man...... when i was reading ur post honey... it was like I posted this qs or something!!! i have EXACTLY the same prb..... my dad is v loud, rude, impolite and blunt and my husband says i have completely gone on him!! i hate it but have to admit i am a copy of him. i m v loud when i talk. its embarassing. i dun think i m loud but then the person can hear me even when i whisper... imagine my pain!!! ive been told by ppl too not to talk loudly... its really hurtful cus this is the way ive been all my life but i understand that this gotta stop cus not everyone knows this. worst of all i feel really bad that husband dusnt understand it..... but in the end i think its gud atleast i will change myself. so hang in there. u are SO not alone honey!!!
First of all I want to let you know that you are not alone who has this problem. And I am very pleased to see your positive attitude towards changing a bad habit.
I also have the same problem. I am not married yet but I just cant control my tongue, my lehja n my ghussa at home when it comes to issues or even non issues. I just lose it at the smallest of things n then every1 in my family gets more upset with me. The reason i'm sharing this with u is to let u know i know exactly how u feel. N i want to change this habit too. its just too ugly n awful.
now here's sth i tried a few weeks/months ago n it's had a positive result MA. whenever i encounter an incidence or event or things tat get me angry or make me lose my temper or cause my lehja or my tounge to get out of control, what i do is i just laugh. i dont laugh in a rude way or disrespectful way. i just laugh as if i wud laf at other stuff (like a small laugh). but i wud only laugh if it made sense to do so. for example let's say i was having an anger or bad lehja moment with my sis n she copied my lehja bak or as a result of my anger said sth bak instead of getting more mad i'd just smile or laugh n it usually cools u n the atmospher down. trust me as funnny as it sounds it works!!!
nother thing tat i try is i try giving myself feedbak on my bad attitude. n one more thing, wenver ur husband or sum1 says sth tat wud get u to talk in a loud pitch just dont! i know as hard as it is just dont! wen tat second is over whne u were tempted to react ina loud pitch u'd realize tat it wasnt tat big a deal. tat works too!
i have no clue what dushwari said and why.but for the rest of you i have to say thank you.i am really happy that i am not alone in this.otherwise i thought i was the only one.i will try to count before saying anything and recite some surah.i have always wondered that if you are thinking before speaking nothing comes out will sound natural.BUT i think i m paying a price for that so its fine for sometime to go all made up.
okkkkkk thats weird. if i said to my husband well in my family men are this n that he wouldve said well u shudve married them then..orwell im not themor whats ur point`
now when he says women in my family are this n that ( quiet) you say well u shudvemarried them thenorwell im not themorwhats ur point`.....
OR
if you really are that loud, and its bad, then you will need to change. i sometimes do the same thing. i think its a western thing. most girls in pak are soft spoken but doenst mean they are anyway better than us.....
and its not that big a deal that he would have serious issues with you is it...?
im loud - my husbands learnt to live with it! however, those relaxation exercises do work -
plus if thats one thing he doesnt like its not a biggie, its something that you can control and work on together.. he cant just give up on you for you being loud?
i find reading darood shareef (the smaller version) keeps me calm - maybe you can try tht too? i knw changing something thats been in you for 25 yrs might be hard but its not impossible. secondly, make sure you read namaz, I find that it is a cure to soo many problems.. Ask Allah for guidance and patience, and also ask Him to give your husband the power to understand your predicament like you would his if he had this problem.
Dont let it ruin your marriage, talk to him about it and let him know that your working on it. Atleast you are acknowledging the problem and ready to face it.. kuch logoon mein to itni himmat bhi nahi hoti!
Goodluck :)
I’m not alone. 