Need some serious advice now

Lifestyle Relationships
1

no more jokes.

everyone here thinks my husband is a saint and im the devil. he may have alot of good things going for him, however he p****** me off at times to the point where i wish i could leave him. it may not be a big issue for anyone here but for me it is. things like, before marriage if i was alone in a room he would come sit with me chat to me, normal gupshup, now he doesnt. he prefers sitting with his mum dad whoever sister…etc… he doesnt see it as a big deal,i do.
things like he will ask his family if they hungry, if his sister says she wants icecream, he will say ok chalo lets get some. if i say it, he will say ok baad main, not now, blah blah…i mean he does listen, EVENTUALLY, he even gets ghussa easily, like easily khafa over something i say, he thinks i complain all the time, ok so if i am, means hes not doing something right/??
TODAY for eg, if i say lets go out, he says not now its early afternoon and its too hot, yet his sis said lets go out to get some mattress she needed and he was ready…if shes hungry he gets food for her at the first stop in our car journey, yet if i am, he will say ohhuuu how am i gna do a u-turn at that junction etc etc…

then he says he loves me more than anyone else in the world

his words are not enough, his actions show he doesnt value either me or my opinions, im just useless here in pak, just his wife. i feel like his family and his daughter are his blood so he cares more.
there are better things like yday when IT WAS reallly hott, our fan ( UPS and GENERATOR BOTH DIED TOGETHER , BAD LUCK) STOPPED working, so he got out a newspaper and started fanning me for ages…

but i find his niceties only when hes alone with me, during the day hes careless for me.

i speak to him about this alot, and before peeople here tell me to get a life, i am trying to find things to do here, however its irrelevent, i just want him to be the way he should be, otherwise no amount of knitting/shopping/writing will ease the pain of feeling alone.

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Re: Need some serious advice now

you should consider threatening him......that you will move back to UK if he doesn't correct his behaviour....enough is enough.....

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Re: Need some serious advice now

Yes go to your mom for a couple of months , that will teach him. Moron , has no respect for his lovey-dovey wife. :mad:

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Re: Need some serious advice now

iS this serious advice?

I CANT GO to mums, shes in uk. how can i go back, or threaten to, i have a 6month old. i have already said that, he thinks im joking. i did get serious once and attempt to call my mum, was trying to call his bluff and he fell for it and tried to make amends. however i think hes thinks its all drama.

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Re: Need some serious advice now

please don't feed the troll.

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Re: Need some serious advice now

^well.....show him its not drama......

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Re: Need some serious advice now

Yep call your travel agent.

your six month old is not allowed to travel with you ? You cannot take care of the baby on your own ? Baby will find better care and life in UK , won't he ?

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Re: Need some serious advice now

:mad2:
She is not troll she keeps Life1 lively.

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Re: Need some serious advice now

She is the only woman on Life1 who honestly shares her thoughts......

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Re: Need some serious advice now

Agree. Although some might find her annoying but they have the option of ignoring her posts and threads.

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Re: Need some serious advice now

answerrrrrs to the question asked. thanku.. goodness.

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Re: Need some serious advice now

aww.

anyway..answer the question...../

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Re: Need some serious advice now

nadz- can you guys set time apart for each other? does he work during the day? i would sugguest that you guys find a time in the day where it's just for you and him. I am sure their is help avaliable for someone to take care of the baby and this way you get your time with your husband. If he chooses to spend time with his parents and sister then let him do that as well. As for him being the same before marriage.. I think most women agree men take a 180 degree turn once they get married and all the lovey dovey talk vanishes from their personality.

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Re: Need some serious advice now

Can you plan a mini vacation for just you, your husband, and the baby? Just for 2-3 days, nothing big and expensive.

I think he has gained many more responsibilities since moving to Pakistan, and he is being pulled in all different directions, unlike in UK it was just you who he had to please. So let him know you understand that, and that you want to be there if he ever feels he has too much pressure on his shoulders.

Let him know that this mini vacation is just so he can relax with his wife and child without anyone putting pressure on him to get things done.

If a mini vacay is not a choice then re-do moments from when you three or two were in UK. Maybe a special movie you both watched, had a special meal. Something to remind him the importance of you in his life. He in no way has forgotten about you, but he seems to be burdened with so many other responsibilities that he doesn't know how to handle his "old life" with this new change. As a wife you can remind him of that.

Also, you complaining to him isn't going to bring back your "old hubby," it's only going to push him away and direct his attention fully on his family ( because he doesn't have to hear them complain like his wife does). You need to do something to make him realize that you're willing to do everything to fit into his family like a daughter not a baho. This is not because it's your job to be really nice to MIL or SIL ( because it isn't), but because you want him to know his happiness is your first priority, if this happiness comes from developing a place in his moms heart, so be it.

You both seem like you're a 100 miles away from each other, and it seems it's because he's is able to let go so easily what you had in UK and is embracing life in Pakistan, while, you are not able to accept your life in Pakistan, and keep remembering the life in UK. This type of distance will never be solved without BOTH partners compromising.

I think re-doing a moment from UK could be the very thing which shows him you are embracing life in Pakistan, while he may realize that emotionally you still need him, throughout all the new changes.

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Re: Need some serious advice now

*no one on earth can help u nadz unless u urself is not willing to change+unless u give up the idea of making issue out of each and every trivial thing+unless u accept the fact married life needs lots of compromises and ur husband will be compromising on many things+unless u urself use ur mind to handle the situations intelligently and Allah has bestowed every women with enough intelligence to control situations all by herself...
*

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Re: Need some serious advice now

Nadz I find most guys are like this, they are sweet to their wives in private but in public don’t give them attention or are kinda mean to them :hinna:

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Re: Need some serious advice now

There r things u do for fun and things you have to do regardless you enjoy em or not, They r a necessity.

I dont think its a great idea to go out during the day, you dont even want to get out of car, specially in Pakistan bcoz weather is so hot..... I personally think evenings r the best time to go out with family. Regardless its ur wife, sister mom or kids... Evenings r perfect to go out in this time of year.

On the other hand buying mattress during the afternoon is totally do able. First he is not doing it for fun, it is something that has to be done. So he can go buy mattress during the day time, he wont really enjoy buying mattress in evening any better than he will during the day. He will rather ruin his evening spending time in the mattress store.

*SECOND he already promised you he will go out with you (in the evening when its not so hot). He is taken for the evening so he cant go buy mattress for his sister in the evening. *

ALLAH ka shukar ada kerna seekho.

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Re: Need some serious advice now

thing is- i did do alot for sis. i would be the one, in uk, buying their bday cards and posting them, sending them gifts, thinking of sending gifts, etc....yet they saybhai nai bhaija tha, even though he had no idea what i sent her. its frustrating. so i give up. they think anything for them, is only from him, not us, or me.

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Re: Need some serious advice now

nadz, i m wondering with a 6mnth old how do u get time to think all these things?! keep busy with the kid.

i know the behavior u mentioned above is nt good, nobody likes to be discredited for things they did. however u cnt let that take over yr life.

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Re: Need some serious advice now

Obviously they’re all a pretty ungrateful lot, and probably secretly despise you for taking away their brother/son etc. What was your relationship with her before your bath pakhi? I mean you were both first cousins around the same age. Did you have any sort of closeness with her, or was she always this standoffish with you? And your husband seemed much nicer when he was in the UK. Do you think the family is secretly poisoning his mind behind your back? :eek: