I’m new to this forum, but I’ve looked through the discussions and think you guys give good advice :)…
I’ve got a proposal from my cousin in Pakistan, but im not sure whether to accept because he is my cousin’?
Re: need some advise please...
So the ONLY problem/fear that you have is that he's your cousin, and that's it?
Re: need some advise please...
Why not visit Pakistan and meet him? Find out if he's a good guy and make an informed decision that pleases you, not your grandparents, not his mother nor the rest of the khandaan. You have to spend your life with him, not the other people.
As for him being your cousin, you know you can have genetic testing done before hand and see if there are medical reasons that marriage would be a risk. Although that being said, even that doesn't give you any certainty about the future. You could marry an unrelated person and still have genetic issues with your children (Allah na karay).
Meet him and show your parents that you're open minded about this and maybe even do an istikhara. Good luck!
Re: need some advise please...
you can try doing istikhara.
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You say they are in no way forcing you, but clearly there is some undue pressure on you: all this talk of them losing face in the khandaan and his mum having cancer, its all pressure on you. and your dad having this "dream", sorry, but you can't make such an important decision on the basis of that. Are your parents related? are his? if so, the chances of the two of together having abnormal kids greatly increases. I think your instincts are telling you this rishta is not right: follow them. Anyway, you are waay too young to be making such a decision, especially when it seems you don't know him very well.
Re: need some advise please...
Hi i think if you are completely happy with this r/ship go for it!
As if you think about it generations before us have married into families/first cousins and how do you know you won't face the same problem when/if you were to marry a guy out of your family.
Everything in life has its own risks-you don't know what is your kismat. So don't worry too much about these 'problems that 1st cousin marriages may face when having children'. Don't get me wrong i know there is a lot of research done on this topic however my belief is my faith in Allah (SWT) and just because you marry outisde your family does not mean there is not a risk; its just a lower percentage.
Hope that makes sense!
Don't feel pressurized by our family- just make sure that this is something you want/are happy with.
Random_girl
Re: need some advise please...
I agree with the above post. The genetic aspect I personally feel that if there are a lot of marriages within the family it is a little irresponsible. However, if you are cousins and parents are not related etc, really it doesn't make that much of a difference. Also, it is true, that at the end of the day it is upto Allah (swt).
Your gut instinct does always seem to be the best to go with when unsure, but like others have suggested if you can find out more it will make things easier for you. I had many parallels with your situation, & went with my gut instinct. I have left it upto Allah (swt) and am happy. However, for your own peace of mind do try to talk about your concerns before as after they can unnecessarily worry you. I hope everything works out for the best, inshallah.
Re: need some advise please...
You say they are in no way forcing you, but clearly there is some undue pressure on you: all this talk of them losing face in the khandaan and his mum having cancer, its all pressure on you. and your dad having this "dream", sorry, but you can't make such an important decision on the basis of that. Are your parents related? are his? if so, the chances of the two of together having abnormal kids greatly increases. I think your instincts are telling you this rishta is not right: follow them. Anyway, you are waay too young to be making such a decision, especially when it seems you don't know him very well.
Totally agree..
OP, are ur parents and were ur grand-parents first cousins as well?
Re: need some advise please...
Hi i think if you are completely happy with this r/ship go for it!
**As if you think about it generations before us have married into families/first cousins **and how do you know you won't face the same problem when/if you were to marry a guy out of your family.
..and the levels of disability amongst kids of Pakistani descent are a lot higher than that of the 'native' population of the UK..
Like someone already pointed out tho the prospective couple can always undergo genetic screening (but then again if it's a cousin there's a chance the families might not want to or refuse to accept the result if it doesn't suit them with the answer that 'it's Allah's will' or something)..
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1) All the people keep saying the dream is a "sign" from Allah. How do they know for sure? Dreams can also be a reflection of the desires and thoughts you have when you're awake. Now you haven't mentioned if this dream was a part of Istikhara. And unfortunately, there's a misconception in desi culture that Istikhara entails seeing a dream, when that is not the case. In the istikhara dua, you are basically praying that if Allah in His wisdom knows that something is good for you in both this world and the next....then he make the goal (be it marriage or whatever) easy for you. Conversely if He knows that the goal is harmful for you in this world and the next.....then he turn it away from you and grant you what is better for you and make your heart content with His will. The "turning away" here doesn't imply seeing a dream. Rather, the events in your life will unfold in a way that will either be conducive to the goal being achieved or will prevent it from happening.
2) You say that your parents, particularly your dad, cares more about your happiness. But I find some contradictions to this statement, and it has already been mentioned above by Ajuba. Your parents see that you're worried about the potential consequences of this marriage and you say that this hurts them. Is it your discomfort that hurts them or is it your lack of interest in this rishta that bothers them. If it's the latter.....then it reflects a lack of concern for you (sorry if that sounds harsh). To be so overconfident that a dream is 100% definitely from Allah.....is well....disturbing. And by mentioning the dream and by hinting that there will be humiliation in the family for turning down the rishta.........PRESSURE is being created. And that contradicts with the whole idea of "my happiness is what matters most." If that were the case.....then the decision would be left entirely up to you......sure some efforts at convincing might take place.....but guilt trips of any kind wouldn't be a part of it. Also, the whole "lose respect in the family" is a bit TOO MUCH. Because this rishta is more of a suggestion at this time.....you're not wearing the guy's ring.....there's no plans for an engagement or a wedding. There's no commitment. It's nothing but an idea at this point and to already say that your dad will lose respect.......is like making it seem as if this rishta is at a more serious stage.....and it also implies that relatives are pressuring your dad and would cut off ties or give him the cold shoulder if his (daughter) does not agree to the rishta. And that sort of fear and pressure implies a lack of respect for your dad and a lack of consideration for your feelings. I'm not trying to turn you against your family. I'm just trying to help you see the various ways in which "pressure" is created. Imposing or forcing contradicts love. And when a khaandan is going to behave in such a way.....then the foundation of relationships is not too strong, imo...rather it's based upon conditions.
3) I know of cousin couples who have healthy kids. And I know of a couple of examples where the children ended up with a rare genetic illness which required organ transplant. We have the responsibility of taking care of our health, but it is ultimately in Allah's hands. Now......you are already worried about how your kids will turn out......but do you even like the guy? Are you attracted to him AT ALL? DO you find him compatible? The questions (at the moment) are far more important cuz the deal more with the near future as opposed to children. If you like him......then you can, as Sehrysh suggested, go for genetic counseling/testing as well.
Re: need some advise please...
..and the levels of disability amongst kids of Pakistani descent are a lot higher than that of the 'native' population of the UK..
Like someone already pointed out tho the prospective couple can always undergo genetic screening (but then again if it's a cousin there's a chance the families might not want to or refuse to accept the result if it doesn't suit them with the answer that 'it's Allah's will' or something)..
Hmmm, wouldn't the genetic screening have to take place before the marriage? Cuz what point is there if the screening is done after the marriage.......and serious health risks are discovered....and the couple then feels more trapped due to pressure from family and the stigma that divorce causes. And that brings the issue that you've mentioned above....there's a chance that the families might not feel comfortable with the screening.
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I recently dreamt of Scarlett Johansson.. and then she got divorced from Ryan Reynolds... It's a sign!!!!!!!!
ok, seriously though, Get any type of genetic screening done before any sort of baath pakhi type situation.. Also, is their an "ick factor" for you because you are his cousin? Because that's a big thing, and you certainly don't want that before heading into a relationship. If you can get passed that he is your cousin and do whatever tests necessary to satisfy you, then stil want to do it, then good. Also all the compatibility stuffs redvelvet wrote about, cause you know that's real important too.
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Hmmm, wouldn't the genetic screening have to take place before the marriage? Cuz what point is there if the screening is done after the marriage.......and serious health risks are discovered....and the couple then feels more trapped due to pressure from family and the stigma that divorce causes. And that brings the issue that you've mentioned above....there's a chance that the families might not feel comfortable with the screening.
Yeah, I meant before marriage, just didn't word it very well..
Being honest I can't imagine many desi families agreeing to it anyway.. they prob wouldn't want to upset other family members by casting doubt on the match regardless of any possible genetic problems in the future..
Re: need some advise please...
Also, is their an "ick factor" for you because you are his cousin?
^Good point. While cousin marriages are allowed by Islam....you're not required to like them or have one yourself. If you are turned off by the fact that he is your cousin...and if that is enough to prevent you from seeing him as a partner (irrespective of his positive qualities, etc).....then it wouldn't make sense to go through with it.
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sophia01... I guess I get what you mean. I'm not too fond of cousin marriages myself. Having said that, there are some cousin couples that have great marriages and have healthy kids and then I've also seen the complete opposite.
You said that cousin is in Pakistan, where are you located? Where would he live after marriage? Would you move to Pakistan? If he moves to where you are, then what about his sick mother? These are also things that you need to think about. Maybe you should talk to him. If you are living outside of Pak, then ask him why he wants to marry you and not a girl already living there. The guy is good, religious, pious, etc.- great! But it seems like you're pressured in some way to marry him. Maybe out of guilt because his mother has cancer? You don't want her to get upset if the rishta doesn't work out? In regards to the dreams... you seem unsure so maybe you should do istakhara. Don't go by your father's dreams.
Re: need some advise please...
Do Istikhara
Go and meet him
Base your decision on what YOU feel...not what anyone else wants. It may sound selfish...but its actually not. If you marry him and its not right for both of you...you will hurt your families much more deeply than you can imagine.
I realize his mom is sick. However, after spending her entire life raising her son...Im sure the last thing she wants to see is him in an unhappy marriage. No parent wants to see their child miserable. I also realize your father had a dream about your marriage with your cousin. I dream a lot about things I want...it doesnt mean I will get them or I have them. It means my desires manifest themselves in my dreams. Your father obviously wants you to marry your cousin, thats why he had a dream of it being blessed.
For your sake and for his sake...make sure you are making the RIGHT choice.
Re: need some advise please...
I've looked through the discussions and think you guys give good advice :)...
^ THAT is your real problem, you have no idea!
Alright I am also not big on cousin marriages, although my parents are cousins :-/ I think it all depends on how you are raised. As for the genetic health issues related to cousin marriages, I don't think its that serious a problem. I thought it was, then I read that it is verrryyy remote and takes generations of cousin marriages to actually become a risk factor. Anyway, do your own study for the sake of your peace of mind. And please don't worry about dreams and stuff, I don't know what its significance is, but don't decide solely on the basis that someone saw something in their dream. Do what feels right, and pray that it works out well for you.
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Correction some of us give great advice. The rest not so much. Just pick and choose what you read and from whom. You do realize that just because you are cousins does not mean you will have Frankenstein babies. The chance is higher but it isn't 90% or even close to 50%. People really need to read up on the biological impacts of cousin marriages before they make sweeping statements.
Re: need some advise please...
the thing is a few months ago my dad had a dream in which he clearly saw that my grandma and my grand dad said this rishta is for the best, the dream had signs in which what we believe are signs from Allah encouraging the rishta. now i have a firm belief in God, but i get worried that what if it wasnt a sign and it was just a random dream, but all the people i have talked to insist it is a clear sign.
Dear let me tell u. . . dreams not always shows what it is meant to be. . . . Dreams n reality are always opposite to each other so dnt decide just bcz of a dream. . .
So go for istakhara or make ur own decision. . .
Re: need some advise please...
Thanks guys for the advice :)....