need some advise please...

Re: need some advise please...

1) If you both are in contact through email.......then ask him to send you a current picture of himself. And send him yours as well. That way you both will know what the other looks like.

2) First figure out if you like this guy enough to want to marry him.........before worrying about kids. And people saying that you both "look good together" is not reason enough to consider marrying a person. You know that, be reasonable. I get the vibe that you are very "shaky" about all this....because it's like you're relying more on other people's opinions/dreams rather than forming an opinion of your own.

3) Just because it looks like there's nothing wrong with him........doesn't necessarily mean that you should go for it. Interacting with him in person should give you more of an idea, but first....ask for a picture.

4) You know for a "FACT" that both families are going to arrange an engagement ceremony? Lol, so either they have assumed that you will agree to the rishta...........or they feel that it's not necessary for you to consent to it as family pressure will put in a tough place where it will become harder for you to refuse. That is messed up, either way. And if your parents (dad especially) are the kind to assume that your hesitant behavior/quietness/wishy-washiness is a sign of your sharmeela-pan and approval of this rishta...........then you'll have to SPEAK UP.....in the event that you don't want to marry him.

5) Here is what I suggest. If you decide that you want to get to know him better....and this would entail a visit to Pakistan...............then TALK to your parents about the visit before hand. Tell your parents that you will go to Pakistan to get to know your cousin.............but that this NO GUARANTEE that you will agree to the rishta. You're just getting to know him....and that you may find him compatible and you may not. And that you don't want either party (your parents or HIS parents) to jump to any conclusions or assumptions before that. See.........this way you're setting up boundaries and expectations. You're showing that you're mature....you're standing up for yourself....and that you won't be manipulated. IF they start to pressure you with the "dream" and "khandaan" reasons..........then tell them that it's hard to determine with such confidence that a dream is 100% from Allah....and dreams are open to interpretation.....and also that love between family members (both immediate and extended) should not be based upon conditions and pressure/forcing....as it questions the sincerity of the rishtay and it contradicts the claim that "YOUR happiness is what matters most."

6) I don't agree with the view that Allah gets mad if you turn down a rishta. So, does that mean that one should just agree to any rishta that seems good? What if that results in a miserable marriage? What about people who had turned down several rishtay before finding the right one....will they be punished? What about rishtay that turned YOU down...and are now happily married to some other girl? Were they punished? They way I see it, Allah provides us with options....and we have the free will to decide what what path to take...and Allah has given us aqal. I dunno, I just don't agree with this. Sometimes I think that we and elders can make religion seem much more difficult....and also make Allah seem much more harsher. Out of the many things that He can punish us for.....I wonder how high up on the list rejecting a rishta would be.

Re: need some advise please...

Allah swt does not get mad if you reject a rishta. He gets mad when you get into a situation where you not only hurt yourself but others as well.

If you're in contact with him via email...then there is no issue. Ask him to do istikhara and for a picture. Qissa khatam!

Re: need some advise please...

I'm afraid your somewhat passive attitude will result in the following. You'll go to Pakistan, get whisked away by all the family celebrating the good news. You may meet your cousin on several extremely brief familial situations and dawaats. And before you know it, you'll be all made up and dressed up and in will walk your cousin for the engagement. You'll either see him and say , hmm ok, I can do this.. and hope for the best.. or you'll see him and realize the gravity of the situation, totally freak out, but will feel it's too late to do anything. You really don't want to be in the latter situation, so sort it out!

Re: need some advise please...

Hold on....they want you to agree to marry someone whom you've never even SEEN?

Are they bloody crazy or what?!!?!?!!

Re: need some advise please...

Thats hardly being selfish.

If you don't like him or dont want to marry him you shouldnt. You're going to be spending the rest of your life with this man!!!

Re: need some advise please...

I completely agree with SARAD. Do istikhara if you cant decide on what to do.