Need some advice please!

[superconfused]

Re: Need some advice please!

@Dubaiwali

All I’m going to say is, after reading the whole thread, if you have made a decision, just stick to it. I know sometimes making the right decision for YOU, is much harder than we think, but we have to. There will be times when you’ll feel weak and vulnerable. There will be times when you will second guess your judgements and think what have you done. There will be tough times ahead for you, since you have gotten out of a 4 year relationship now, supposedly, but trust me as someone who has been there and done that, at the end of the day, you are going to pat your own back for making the right decision. That time won’t come soon, psychologists say it takes us 6 months to fall in love and at least a year to fall out of love, so if you did truly love this guy, you have a hell of a few months ahead of you, but unfortunately, this isn’t Bollywood where everything will eventually work out in the end.

Sometimes we have to look at things with the realistic lens. Not idealistic. Not the way we want them to be, but the way they are. Like many other people pointed out, it isn’t about money, but it is about ambition and the drive. If this guy is 31 and he doesn’t have a proper job even at the age of 31, then I’m sorry there’s something missing. He’s not even becoming a Doctor or something, that he needed all those years to study and establish himself. He’s studied business and done an MBA, as far as I can reckon from the thread. At most, a person is 25 by the time they are done with their MBA. He’s 31, that means he has wasted 6 years. Even if this person wasn’t well off and needed time to finish his studies, I know many people like that and they worked at the side. They funded their own education. As soon as they graduated, they picked up any job they could find and worked their way up. This is what ambition and will does to you.

You have every right to look for certain qualities in a partner, since you’ve achieved few things in life and you want to settle down now. I think you’ve done a good thing, by letting this go. This is why it is called a relationship. You get to know someone and over time you find out how they really are. If they match you or not. If your mental level matches theirs or not. If your life’s goals and ambitions are compatible with theirs or not. No one can force you to marry this guy, not even him. I am sorry, but you should never come under emotional pressure from anyone. You should not let your age be a defining factor in who you choose as a life partner, it should not be a decision done in haste. You spent few years working on your life and getting to where you are and you shouldn’t feel guilty about that. You shouldn’t think that you wasted your youth on your career and now you’re doomed. You’ll never find a decent man. That’s untrue. I don’t know about the US, but I know for a fact in the UK, people marry a bit late. Later on in life. Late 20s or early 30s. I mean the guys. I know many of my friends who got married at the age of 25, 27, I know one who got married at the age of 32. They have found loving, decent and very well established husbands.

You need to open your eyes and look at the world around you. You have already spent 4 years of your life running after this ‘online’ character. He has never met you, never made the effort I am assuming and always required something from you. It is time you put everything aside and built a bridge to walk forward. For your and your life’s betterment. As soon as you let go of this character, you will get ample opportunities to meet new people and better ones. But for that, you have to give your self a chance. For something new to come in, you have to let go of the old one mate.

Thank you for your comment. It’s been really hard. Sometimes I feel like my heart physically hurts. And I know we never managed to meet even though we tried, but there was still something there. I went through the whole thread again and I almost feel like I and everyone else bashed the guy but he’snot a bad person. Everyone has certain qualities and just because he’s not ambitious doesn’t make him a bad person per se. I guess I’m trying to convince myself more than anyone else.

He finished his MBA about 3 years ago and had a job while he was abroad. It was an entry-level job but obviously everyone has to start someone. He also funded his own education so I know he’s hardworking but then eventually his visa ran out and he had to go back to Pakistan and it’s been more than a year but he still doesn’t have a job and just sounds really hopeless. I guess that’s why he wanted me to sponsor him – it was an easy way out of Pakistan. He keeps saying that I make him want to be a better person and he’ll getback on his feet if he could get out of Pakistan but people have jobs there too, right? I just wish we could’ve metonce but it seemed like whenever he went to Pakistan, I wasn’t there and when Iwent, he wasn’t there. Now he can’t comewhere I am and he keeps asking me to come to Pakistan which I could easily do Isuppose but I feel like this isn’t how it should be done. The guy is supposed to go to the girl. The ladkay walay go to the ladki walay’shouse – I feel like why should I have to go all the way to Pakistan just so we can meet?

This whole thing has gotten so messed up. Even the last time we talked, he said he really loved me and I asked him how that waspossible without meeting and seeing me and he said it was my personality thatcaptured him and that he can’t see his life without me but I guess it’s easy to say words. If he was serious, he wouldmake the best out of his situation, wherever he is.

I don’tknow why I’m writing all of this. I madea decision and I’m going to stick to it. It doesn’t matter what he does now. It doesn’t matter if he wants to do a PhD or if he gets an amazing job or if he suddenly becomes ambitious. Regardless of what he says or feels, I feel like there are too many cracks. I’m done (trying very hard to convince myself….)