Need some advice please!

[McPendo]

Re: Need some advice please!

@redvelvet

OP, to answer your question it will take your boyfriend exactamously 225 days, 17 hours, 29 minutes and 41 seconds to achieve the level of financial stability that you desire…although what’s a good level for Pakistan may not be a good enough level for where you live. He says he’ll “change” after marriage? Why has he set marriage as the condition for change? As in …“no shadi then no change.” What if he was a smoker or a drinker or a gambler or a fornicator…would he still say, “Oh I’ll quit my detrimental habit after I get married. I choose ONLY to see the light after marriage and prior that I’ll just keep my eyes closed thankyouverymuch.” Having a job…a halal job…a good job…will make things easier for his parents and siblings. Or does the security and well-being of his immediate family matter LESS than that of yours OP? Surely his parents worry about his lack of progress and a job…or I’m guessing they do…and is that not a red flag for him to feel more motivated for his long-distance girlfriend than his own family? Shouldn’t it be the other way around…where when you see that a guy does RIGHT by his family and supports them, then you’ll have faith that he will also have the ehsaas for his responsibilities as a husband in the future?

Ask yourself…do you TRULY TRULY respect him or do you just like how he makes you feel about yourself? Or do you feel some amount of contempt for him?

And McPendu, it kinda sounds like you’re giving a guilt trip. Dude, the equation between the OP and this guy is off. It’s not a healthy one. It kinda seems like she looks down on him, has some contempt for him. Is that a healthy foundation for a marriage? If this guy is jobless…then his first priority and motivation to get a good job should be for the people who live under the same roof as him…not some girlfriend on the other side of the world. He should be thinking, "I should first come through for my family…I should first fulfill the huqooq/rights of my family…Before contemplating fulfulling the rights of a wife. He should not be thinking, “I’ll change after marriage.” He should not be thinking “My change in character and willpower will depend on Op’s acceptance of my propsal.” He should be thinking I need to change for the better now…for the people in my life who are currently being affected by my unemployment MORE than my far-off girlfriend…as in my parents and siblings, etc etc. There are some key points of concern in this relationship equation that you are NOT looking at, Mcpendu. You’re looking at it from a more idealistic lens. A person is not enough for another human being. The closest that we come to receiving unconditional love is from our parents and even they cannot protect their children from the consequences of financial instability and a host of other things that can render them “baybass.” Pendu, you cannot protect someone from everything; you can’t…that’s a sweet thought but too idealistic.

Yeah I’m an Idealist, I always see things differently. You know who else was an Idealist? The man who looked at the moon and said that he would walk upon it and he did. Who else was an Idealist? The person who fell in the sea and sought to breathe in it. I guess I’m an Idealist. I dream bigger than just what’s on your W-2. But just how I am… I wasn’t trying to give a guilt trip, I was trying to have OP have a different view on this from the purely materialistic loveless approach everyone else was given. And I’ve explained it to her to stick to her decision. I shouldn’t have posted my side of the story.