Need quick advice

[Sara516]

@wildhalcyon

Two years ago I met a distant cousin for the first time while I was at a wedding. So we spoke for quite a bit and he turned out to be a pretty nice guy. I invited him to my sister’s wedding, which was to take place that same year only a few months after the time I met him. He promised to attend but at the last minute started making excuses about not being able to attend. Now he is getting married and wants me to attend but instead of calling me directly he asked someone else to deliver the message. Should I go?

A lot of S’s missing then..or maybe the original poster doesnt realize that they are a man?

**** what did i start.

[fallenpieta]

@wildhalcyon

Liking someone who then goes on to getting married to someone else is no biggie. This happens a lot in life. Its not as if you were dating or thinking of marrying so though I understand that you may have had some feelings for him, its not enough to warrant to not want to go to his wedding.

So the question you need to ask yourself is why are you upset?

1. Is it because he invited you through another person?

2. Is it because you thought that the two of you had begun to develop an understanding and that perhaps you werent given a chance?

3. Is it because he didnt attend your sisters wedding?

If its 1) then rest assured that men inviting people through other people is quite common. My hubby did not even go around handing his own wedding cards out. He just gave them to a friend and said “Invite any friends you think should come”

If its 2) So you guys had an understanding and nothing came of it. That happens. I am sure everyone can say they had a crush or a thing for someone but things never went further. And it is also possible that he was being an obedient son just marrying whomever his parents decided for him, even if he liked you. You have not mentioned anything about dating, or hooking up etc..so I am assuming this friendship was not deep or extensive so its not really a case of heartbreak.

If its 3) He didnt attend your sisters wedding and made excuses…two things come to mind. Either he really did have genuine reasons or he liked you and maybe this rista stuff was going on at that time so he felt awkward seeing you again in the midst of all this and the only way to avoid you was to avoid the wedding.

Give the guy a break and give yourself one too. The only definitive way to clear this up is to talk to the guy directly about your concerns etc. And you are waiting for a call??

(Hands up all the women in here whose men have said they will call …but they always forget to??)

If your family is going to the wedding, you should go as it would look odd you not being there. If you are the only one in your family going and you will feel uncomfortable, dont go.

Either way, dont sweat the small stuff and enjoy life, its the only one you have so make the most of it.

what would you lead you to believe that i am a woman??? The facial hair, deep husky voice, and $%$#%$%$#%#% in my pants don’t define a man? hehehehhe

OK you made some very valid point and some which I didn’t agree with:

1. yes. I don’t appreciate being treated as such. Tell you the truth being treated in such a way hurts my pride and ego.

2. Well yes we had an understanding but neither of us are gay.

3. Yes. But its more then not attending my sisters wedding. Its that he made FALSE excuses and I think only few days before the wedding.

[fallenpieta]

never mind the invitation card, but if he doesn't even have the curteousy to call you and invite to his own wedding, then you shouldn't go. I mean how long does it take to make a phone call?

Exactly. It he couldn't call he could have sent a wedding card with the other cards.

[fallenpieta]

@Sara516

Read my reply as well.

[fallenpieta]

LOL.. u are so right and Im with ya.. even I thought the OP (original poster) is a girl..

We are getting off the topic. Even thought I might feel like a woman at 12PM of every 1st of the month but still look like a man.

[wildhalcyon]

ok my bad! SORRY!

Having read the question again as a guy upset at another guy, the perspective changes!! But my advice doesnt.

Call the guy and find out the deal. Most issues arise due to miscommunication so clear the air man to man. Redvelvet has already given you a great starter tip for what to say when you call.

And if that doesnt clear it and you dont want to go..just be the bigger man and at least call or send a congratulatory card.

(btw..it really did read like a lovelorn woman upset at her man getting married to someone else!!)

[Sweet_face]

We are getting off the topic. Even thought I might feel like a woman at 12PM of every 1st of the month but still look like a man.

aww.. bless.. sorry my mistake.. dunno what was I thinking there!

[fallenpieta]

FP,

You never know what reason may have prevented him from attending your sister's wedding. As someone mentioned above, perhaps it was because he didn't want to face a particular relative, perhaps he had a health problem, perhaps he had financial issues, we just don't know.

HOWEVER......even though he couldn't attend your sister's wedding, there's no excuse for not calling you up later and congratulating you and asking how the wedding went. That's common courtesy. If my parents can't attend a special family event, they will call out of courtesy to ask about it later. There's just no excuse for not making a 5 minute call. ** Indirect Invitation*.....Perhaps as a guy, he's clueless about such things. A wedding requires so much planning. Maybe he was so busy with the wedding plans that he delegated some duties to people who could help him out with wedding plans. And one of those people could be a messenger to deliver invitations. There is a possibility that you weren't the only person to receive an indirect invitations. Perhaps others have as well. the other possibility is, like you said, that he feels to guilty to call you. * My suggestion:** There are some missing pieces of information. I think you should do as someone suggest above. Call him and NICELY *tell him *"I received a wedding invitation from a messenger and I wanted to confirm if this invitation is indeed yours since usually these things are done directly." And then listen to what he has to say about the messenger. And then be honest with him and communicate how you feel. Sometimes people need to be reminded of their mistakes (accidental or otherwise) so that they don't make the same mistakes with other people in the future. NICELY tell him "We missed you at my sister's wedding. It would have been nice if you could have come but I understand if there was some obstacles. But to be honest, I found it surprising that you did not call to ask how the wedding went. Perhaps you were too busy." Calmly listen to what he has to say. ** What do do....After listening to his explanations. You have two options **1) go to his wedding or 2) don't go to his wedding. If you decide not to go to his wedding, then at least call him up to say congratulations or send a congratulatory greeting card. But either way, have the ^above conversation with him because it will hopefully get him to reflect on his careless/tactless behavior and he'll be more careful with others in the future.

OK. I know for a fact that there was no one at my sisters wedding whom the guy didn't want to face. Although I couldn't comment on his financial or health situation. Despite all that, if he was sincere but wanting to attend my sister's wedding couldn't do it, he could have followed up later on with a congratulatory phone call. But because that didn't happen, I concluded that he didn't want to attend in the first place.

I am sorry but no one is that clueless but I don't think his parents are clueless. when I first met him his parents didn't have green cards and were still in Pakistan.

[Sara516]

@fallenpieta

Read my reply as well.

and $%$#%$%$#%#% in my pants don’t define a man?

Wallet doesnt need to be censored.

:halo:

[Cheegum]

Re: Need quick advice

You know whats funny i saw the thread is by fallenpieta i.e. guy but when i was done reading the first post i had forgotten that its buy fallenpieta and instead i started assuming the thread starter is a girl. Therefore was a bit confused when Sara was laughing at wildhalcyon’s reply

Anyway dude don’t go. Call him and make a genuine excuse. Don’t make a big deal out of it.

[fallenpieta]

@wildhalcyon

ok my bad! SORRY!

Having read the question again as a guy upset at another guy, the perspective changes!! But my advice doesnt.

Call the guy and find out the deal. Most issues arise due to miscommunication so clear the air man to man. Redvelvet has already given you a great starter tip for what to say when you call.

And if that doesnt clear it and you dont want to go..just be the bigger man and at least call or send a congratulatory card.

(btw..it really did read like a lovelorn woman upset at her man getting married to someone else!!)

Redvelvet’s advice was sound but you know this ego of mine simple does not allow me to take the first step. Here is the difference: When my sisters were about to marry, instead of calling, let alone direct or indirect, I drove to every person’s house to personally deliver mithai and card, at least to those who lived in NY/NJ/CT area. I am sorry but if he can’t face me like a man then the biryani served in his wedding is not worth my consumption.

[fallenpieta]

@Sara516

Wallet doesnt need to be censored.

:halo:

Well I didn’t know Some mods make up rules.

[fallenpieta]

Anyway dude don't go. Call him and make a genuine excuse. Don't make a big deal out of it.

I am not even calling. F him.

[redvelvet]

OK. I know for a fact that there was no one at my sisters wedding whom the guy didn't want to face. Although I couldn't comment on his financial or health situation. Despite all that, if he was sincere but wanting to attend my sister's wedding couldn't do it, he could have followed up later on with a congratulatory phone call. But because that didn't happen, I concluded that he didn't want to attend in the first place.

I am sorry but no one is that clueless but I don't think his parents are clueless. when I first met him his parents didn't have green cards and were still in Pakistan.

FP,

I agree that people can be tactless. But my personal opinion has always been that you can only tolerate it quietly up to a certain point.....and then you should consider bring up the issue with the offender.....................because that can get him to reflect over his behavior and hopefully make him think twice before behaving so tactlessly with another person in the future.

*****Think of it as YOU trying to break what might become a cycle of offensive behavior. And Islamically....it's recommended that when you see something wrong happening, you do something about it.

You don't have to have an UGLY attitude with him. Just bring up the points in a casual relaxed manner **as I suggested in my previous post. In a way I feel that it's a way of earning **sawab. How?

1) You're seeking clarification in a respectful, calm, and non-humiliating manner.
**
2) ** You're communicating with the person.....and that will help to get some of the bitterness/poison/grudge out of your system. It's not healthy to have a grudge toward your fellow muslim bro.

*3) * By communicating his mistakes to him in a casual manner......you are encouraging him to reflect over his mistakes and this can help him become a better person/Muslim in the future.

So, think about it. He must care about you on some level, or he wouldn't even have bothered inviting you. Trust me, relatives can sometimes not invite their own family members. So.......gently talk to him. For all you know, he might be feeling guilty. And talking things out is therapeutic because it can help alleviate the guilt and make us better people. Give it some consideration and best wishes :)

[fallenpieta]

FP,

I agree that people can be tactless. But my personal opinion has always been that you can only tolerate it quietly up to a certain point.....and then you should consider bring up the issue with the offender.....................because that can get him to reflect over his behavior and hopefully make him think twice before behaving so tactlessly with another person in the future.

*****Think of it as YOU trying to break what might become a cycle of offensive behavior. And Islamically....it's recommended that when you see something wrong happening, you do something about it.

You don't have to have an UGLY attitude with him. Just bring up the points in a casual relaxed manner **as I suggested in my previous post. In a way I feel that it's a way of earning **sawab. How?

1) You're seeking clarification in a respectful, calm, and non-humiliating manner. ** 2) ** You're communicating with the person.....and that will help to get some of the bitterness/poison/grudge out of your system. It's not healthy to have a grudge toward your fellow muslim bro.

*3) * By communicating his mistakes to him in a casual manner......you are encouraging him to reflect over his mistakes and this can help him become a better person/Muslim in the future.

So, think about it. He must care about you on some level, or he wouldn't even have bothered inviting you. Trust me, relatives can sometimes not invite their own family members. So.......gently talk to him. For all you know, he might be feeling guilty. And talking things out is therapeutic because it can help alleviate the guilt and make us better people. Give it some consideration and best wishes :)

I am way too cynical.

[redvelvet]

I am way too cynical.

I don't think so, but you know yourself better.

You seem like a nice person, FP. You invited this guy (a distant relo, not someone too close) to your sister's wedding. You let it go that he didn't show up....but were looking forward to a congratulatory call. You seem to know the rules of courtesy better than your distant cousin. And you seem to have better manners and you seem to have a better awareness between right and wrong. So....drop the cynicism for a few minutes.....and use your many positive qualities for the polite education of this fool cousin of yours :)

[amir_pindi]

our babys in da house

[fallenpieta]

I don't think so, but you know yourself better.

You seem like a nice person, FP. You invited this guy (a distant relo, not someone too close) to your sister's wedding. You let it go that he didn't show up....but were looking forward to a congratulatory call. You seem to know the rules of courtesy better than your distant cousin. And you seem to have better manners and you seem to have a better awareness between right and wrong. So....drop the cynicism for a few minutes.....and use your many positive qualities for the polite education of this fool cousin of yours :)

You are too kind. I am not really a nice guy and in fact I hate just about everyone except immediate relatives and keep everyone else at distant. His sudden refusal to attend did hurt my ego and pride (although I am not an arrogant man) but I feel that his actions also brought some amount of discomfort to my parents my young sister. She had meticulously prepared for every facet of the wedding detail, down to the last pregnant aunty. Although his absence did not create a havoc in the least bit, it did present my sister with some minute amount of distress. I treat my friends and even their friends with great care, courtesy, and compassion. And I except the same in return.

If he does not know the difference between right and wrong, cultural ethos, social and ethical responsibilities then how will he be able to carry out agreements of marriage?

[zobia]

Re: Need quick advice

he didnt invite you directly so why bother.
konsa obama ki shadi hai :p

[redvelvet]

**If he does not know the difference between right and wrong, cultural ethos, social and ethical responsibilities then how will he be able to carry out agreements of marriage?
[/quote]

^So teach him. Be the bigger man that you already are....and teach him. :)
**