My husband came to US about 8 months ago. Few days ago I found out he contacted and talked with his khaleri sister. Now about this cousin… she liked my husband and even told elders that she wants to marry him. However my husbands family and husband himself said no. After my shadi with him, the cousin started ignoring me and acting rude so I just ignored her and dint care.
However, I am soo pissed that my husband went out of his way to contact her when he knows that she is so rude to me. He said he wants to ask why she is being so rude to me. She also doesnt have a good reputation and is considered awara.. He did not tell me while he was talking to her because he said I will get upset..
He said it was a few minutes of talk and a few messages but on the bill it shows that there where 150 messages and 136 minutes in a matter of 3 days. He even called and messaged her around 1 or 2 am. I feel so heartbroken whenever I think of these numbers..
When I asked him about this, he said he only talked to her as a sister and nothing else.. and told me everything they talked about. He keeps reassuring me that it was very innocent family talk. He accepts that it was mistake to talk so late at night and keeps apologizing to me.. I do think he is sincere but I feel like I cant trust him anymore. I get soo jealous if he even looks at a girl. I am torturing myself thinking like this. Am I right to feel like this?? WHAT SHOULD I DO??
I guess you are over-reacting .. .. you should not be that much possessive .. .. if things are that worst then tell your husband "explicitly" that you don't like that girl and he must stop it. give it sometime.
I can understand your feelings . I think your husband should have told you about his looong conversation with her. But now that he has apologised to you so forgive & forget and request him to tell you when he speaks to her again , tell him that it will only help in building up the trust between you two & it will clear out misunderstandings too.
and that how cousin behaves with you .........just ignore her ! she is not worth your attention. What matters is the relationship you have with your husband . Whenever you both (you & that cousin) ever come across again face to face just do salam & don't get much involve into any conversation on any topic with her.
SfKhan, was your husband living in Pakistan before he moved to the US? And does his khala zaad cousin also live in Pakistan? Is it possible that perhaps your husband and his cousin were close growing up? Just because he rejected her romantic interest in him doesn't mean that he has stopped caring for her as a cousin. Who knows.....maybe he's trying to help her out with some issues. You'd have to consider the type of relationship they had before he married you.
Also, you say that you get jealous every time he even looks at another girl. And while it's emphasized in Islam to lower one's gaze.....try to have some balance in your attitude...because your husband can't walk around with his eyes closed. And marriage doesn't mean that you'll stop finding the opposite gender to be attractive. And this goes for women as well. A wife might think that another guy (an actor on TV, let's say) is attractive....this doesn't mean that she has inclinations to cheat or that she loves her husband less. If your husband sense that you're frequently jealous/insecure....it can even turn him off to you.
Hey guys, thanks so much for the advice. It realllllly helps.. yes I think he did grow up for a few years in pakistan with this cousin and then lost touch cuz she came to US.. so thats y he was wanting to talk to her and find out whats up with her life. And yes Magic Ball I think your right that the cousin did have issues that my husband was trying to sort out.. He heard rumors about bad things she is doing so wanted to ask y she is acting like this. The thing that hurts me is that he hid it from me and the texting and calls also happened so late at night.. i wouldnt have minded if he showed me..
and I never had this jealousy feelings before this incident.. now I am having to work on this issue and have patience when he does have a glance at some girl.
and about the cousin.. i do say salam but she acts like I am a ghost and walks past me.. so I just dont converse with her either. Just hope I never have to interact with her everrr!
Hey I would find it weird that my husband was talking to his cousin at that time. Personally.
And I would find it weirder that she can talk to him and yet blind ignore you.
I mean yes there is trust, etc. But it does look like she is trying to be manipulative. I think you should voice any concerns. And if things continue - late night texting at 1am....
Then maybe keep an eye on things....of course if he sees her as a sister thats fine. But I think its something you need talk about.
I think you need to stop it.. I don't know why but something feels wrong.. I think you need to tell him that if he contacts her he needs to do it in your presence..
If it is because he cares for her then I am sure that he has nothing to hide infront of you
I can understand the pain that you are feeling because you can't get all the answers and no matter how much anyone assures you, you will still have a hole which can only be filled by future events..
Has your husband ever been unfaithful or even doubtful in the past? I know it is very odd that he was talking to her so late and at such a long duration i'm assuming you must be asleep at that time. i know it is very disturbing and regardless or what others may say it would bother any wife.
how was your relationship with your husband during that time? were you guys in a cold war or some sort of disagreement? because it is posible that he may be finding comfort else where, it doesnt mean hes having an affiar but just a peace of mind. sometimes when there is too much fighting in the household men find peace outside because after the workload they dont want a angry wife.
try to be your husbands friend, tell him to talk to you about it as if hes telling a friend, and you should also react like a friend.. let him know that you understand him and will not judge him. trust what he says because there is no other choice and yes trust is very important. its the foundation of all relationships.
She is his cousin, they are blood relatives, he will never really hate her.. he has memories with her like the above post said. childhood memories seem sweeter with age so maybe they were just remembering the good old times like good friends. but that cousin needs to have a good attitude towards you and respect you.
your husband should be confortable talking to her in front of you not hidden, it should not be a taboo subject either. alll this would come with time and some effort.
But it does look like she is trying to be manipulative.
I sort of agree. The cousin was interested in your husband. Just because he is now married to you, it doesn't necessarily mean that she'll stop liking him. Ever heard of the scorned woman's revenge? It's fine if you trust your husband, and if he's being honest with you, even better. But something just seems wrong about the cousin texting late at night and that much... I'm not trying to make you paranoid... I mean there are people who send thousands of texts and find it normal. This behavior that you find abnormal could be completely normal to the cousin. Just be cautious of her.
How to rebuild the trust... now that you know a little more about the cousin and her problems, try to stay open with your husband about it. Don't make it seem like you hate his cousin. Try to be objective and offer advice to your husband on how to deal with the cousin and her issues.
I think you should just be civil towards this cousin.. Say salam etc
About your husband..maybe tell him that he should talk to you about whatever..offer advice and take an interest..i don't think you should tell him that you don't like her because maybe in the future he could use this as an excuse to not tell you anything.
I would overreact if i found out my husband was texting and calling a girl cousin late at night aswell..so just seem calm and whatever you don't argue about it. Don't let her cause problems in your HUSBAND AND WIFE relationship! Don't forget your his wife..not her :)
doesnt make sense, 150 message....and calls....if it was 2 or 3 texts, fine. but sorry, 150.....i send my husband maybe 30 a month, texts that is, no one needs to send 150 texts to anyone....not even their wives, unless theres an issue...now why would he need to text her to tell her to leave you 2 alone or whatever, he sent that 150 times?? please dont be kidding me. and in 3 days....156 mins...what could any guy and any girl talk to eacvh other about for nearly 3 hours....and to someone who apperently likes your husband and he apparently doesnt....so it took him 150 texts and 3 hours of calls to establish this fact??
Wow, thank you to EVERYONE for taking out time for the advice. it is really helping me calm down.
And crazyfool is right... we did have argument during this time, he usually comes to make up with me.. but this time since he had someone else to talk to, he didnt. and thats when I realized something is fishy.
I am praying to Allah for sabar and going to try to forgive but never can forget this. He was never ever unfaithful. He is actually very good looking and lots of girls look at him, but he would never give any interest in them. This was something I felt very proud about. Now with this incident, I feel like he showed interest in the cousin..The cousin must be feeling so happy that he wanted to talk to her.. so i feel betrayed. jealousy has struck me but I am trying sooo sooo hard to maintain a good relation with him and forgive him.
I think it would be interesting to get some serious male/guppyperspective here. So far, it has mostly been women that have responded.
The number of messages does seem a bit much.....but then again....were the husband and cousin close to one another (as cousins) before the marriage? Could it be that he senses that she's upset or heartbroken and is trying to reason with her?
Talk to your husband CALMLY about your concerns (don't badmouth his cousin). Try asking him if his cousin is doing okay. That way it won't look like you hate the girl....instead it looks like you're showing positive concern/interest........and he might open up and tell you if the cousin is having issues (if that's the case). Don't become overly possessive of him and watch him like a hawk. Try to be fun...easy going....so that he enjoys your company and feels more inclined to spend time with you than on the phone with his cousin. Don't be needy and clingy either. A little bit of distance at times is healthy as well.
I would be upset if I were you too. Thats not normal. However, if he apologized and realized his mistake…you should try and rebuild what you had with him. Remember, he is already married to you. He said yes to marrying YOU…not her.
Sooooo…she wants to speak to your hubby and not you?
Talk to him, do things with him, be with him and let time heal your wounds.
Talk to him first, do not talk to her. and if she does say anything, make sure she knows that you know he spent all that time texting her and calling her. if he can send 150 texts and call time on her, then god know how many she texts she sent and called him. if its only in those 3 days, and not before or after, then maybe it was something very imp and had to happen. however if its still going on, then find out.
also, dont want to alarm you, alot of men who are good looking and know it, thrive on attnetion from girls, even though they wont touch them, but love the attention.
