Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
Your wife is being totally unreasonable, ignore her tantrums. Your parents are your parents, have a lovely time with them whenever possible.
I am a female and no could dare tell me to ignore my parents whether it's 1st or 25th year of marriage. The world really doesn't have to turn upside down just because you are married.
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
In my opinion, what you should do is learn to ignore her completely as if she does not exist as entity even when she is around. Do not talk or discuss anything with her. Come home and watch TV, eat and then leave to visit your friends, family members, or parents. If you do not want to go out, watch TV or do what you like, but no conversation with her. When visiting someone and anyone ask about your wife, just make any excuse. To annoy, you can even visit her parents without her, enjoy your time there, and when you return, do not mention anything, even if she asks.
If you can, even sleep separately, maybe in living room on sofa or in spare room if you have one. If hungry check kitchen and eat if something cooked and if nothing is cooked, eat out but never ask her if anything is cooked. No help in household works, just ignore everything, even that dirty tea mug or plate in living room sitting there for a week or more. Never ask for anything, not even tea, though if she makes something and offers you, just take it without any response. If not, than make your own tea, and after having your drink leave the mug where it is and next tea means next mug. Get things accumulated. If no mugs are left then just wash one mug for your own tea.
Make sure she feels a non-entity as far as you are concerned.
I am sure she would get annoyed. If she says that anything wrong with you, say no, and then with a pleasant smile tell her that all is fine and life is good. If you can, talk to your friend on phone in front of her and make her believe (from your conversation) that you are talking to a female friend of yours. If she asks, tell her that you were talking to your friend (name of any male friend). If she show doubt or shout, ignore her or leave the house.
Just behave as if you are happy with the situation of her being non-entity for you and everything is fine as far as you are concerned. Sometime you can even buy food from outside (takeaway) for one person, bring home, and eat alone. If she says anything, look at her, make face and then ignore. Keep this for few months and see what happens.
What I think is that after couple of months getting ignored or living as non-entity, she would burst and start complaining, shouting or fighting (remember, she do not know what is in your mind). If that happens in earlier stage, just stand up and leave the house. Anyhow, after few months when she burst, complain and start shouting or fighting, tell her that you think that she was happy and that is the life she wants. Make sure to tell her that it is fine with you too as it is.
If she says that she do not want such situation then only discuss, tell her that, one cannot clap with one hands, so if she wants change than she has to clap and join you in your life ... don't say that we join each other in life, rather say that she join in your life ... that is different matter that if she try to change, you can also change and bring her in your life before you get in her life.
If things stay the same and you feel that she does not care than you have to think if you would like to be with her all your life or not. But separation or divorce would become easy, as you and she would be prepared for the situation going through separation of such kind for couple of months.
Again, that is what I would have done (just to know what she really wants or has in her mind). If you think it makes no sense (making her non-entity in your life to check what she really wants) than tackle the situation you think appropriate.
This is terrible advice and you took the time out to write out the whole scheme in such detail, vindictive much? A few months of doing this takes way too much gusto. Glad OP will not be considering. How about confrontation head-on? Why are people so afraid to just call people out on their BS.
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
Oh wow, that's the worst advice I've ever seen on here!
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
Sa1eem...you're advising him to fan the fire in his home and encouraging mind games. That is wrong...IF your objective is to keep your marriage of course.
How about a married couple try putting each other first, rather than other family members?
Maybe if we prioritised the first 2 years of our married lives this way, as in, made each other the number one priority... we'd remove a lot more problems.
Forget the parents, forget each other familes. Concentrate on one another.
Maybe, life would be a lot better that way?
Good lord people...she did NOT mean FORGET YOUR PARENTS, STOP TALKING TO THEM, LEAVE THEM TO THE SIDE OF THE CURB, ETC.
She meant (and I agree with her) instead of allowing any sort of family behavior or drama influence the couple...focus on your personal relationship for a while first. Make it healthy, strong so you can understand and accept when something you do bothers your spouse. If you don't care about your husband, you will NOT care what upsets him. If you actually have a great relationship with your wife, you will always do things to make her happy and vice versa!
The post above is coming from someone who has been married successfully for a good amount of time mA...so definitely worth paying attention to.
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
Though what Saleem has suggested is extreme, the gist of what he's saying is somewhat valid. I think you need to take a firmer stand on this. I've seen way too many families where the wife is completely unwilling to get along with her in laws, and as a result the husband finally gives up and ends up being separated from his family.
You should calmly explain to her that your parents and siblings are important to you, just like her own parents are to her. Give her a chance to voice her concerns/complaints about your family. Ask her what needs to change so that she is more comfortable with your parents - sorry for using management speak here, but let her provide the solution so she takes ownership of it too. She needs to hear that you are on her side, and will support her and stand by her whenever any issue comes up (and make sure you back it up by your actions :) ). As TLK suggested, try talking to her parents - seek their help in making sure that she does not use them as an escape mechanism. Make time to build your own relationship with her - you haven't been married too long, and I'm guessing the daily fights are not letting your fondness for each other grow. Then you can also try planning some low stress family outing (movie, dinner, shopping) where she does not feel like all the burden for entertaining/cooking is on her and is able to interact with your family more freely.
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
Maybe it is mean of me to say this, but I want your wife's parents to actually SEE with their own eyes how poorly their "princess" behaves with your family. Hopefully she'll be "herself" and won't fake niceness. And I think that, at that point, your own parents can very nicely tell her parents that we would like for your daughter to feel comfortable with us because she's an important part of the family, but she is often distant, etc etc.
When you try talking to her parents, they remain quiet....it's like they don't take you seriously. So I am interested to know how her parents will react when the following 2 things happen: 1) First, her parents see with their own eyes how she behaves with your family.....2) And for your parents to also talk to her parents. I'm curious to know if her parents will take things more seriously then. If they respond with their usual silence...I think even that needs to be addressed ...albeit gently.
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
There is no solution to this. She won't change her behaviour no matter what you do.
And people suggesting to tell her parents - seriously? If they were upto any good, they would have made her behave.
Its upto you to make up your mind, whether you can live with it or not.
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
Some of you are nuts 
I never said to shut your parents out or ignore them in that way.
Reha explained it ever so beautifully
Parents are parents. Yes, they love us unconditionally (most of them) and will do so as well.
You get married to someoen who you havent known for all that long… rather than making them love your parents the way you love them, when you dont even love your spouse that much just yet… is a bit demanding. For both partners.
Learn to love one another first. Show each other how you respect one another. Adore each other… and all else will come naturally. Inshallah.
Silly mind games, wont get you anymore.
If she is being clingy with her parents, and not with yours… leave it. The first few months to a year are the hardest. Even if she’s living in the same city as them. And I am not denying that the adjustment isnt difficult for the guy either.
Half our marriage problems are due to the fact that we dont show one another respect and love. And no, this does not mean that we love each others families and we’ll end up loving one another. We need to love each other first… then watch what happens with the rest :k:
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
If I were you, I would talk to her parents about this issue in a very polite, mature and respectful manner. Ask them if she has any complaints about you, is there anything she wants you to change and all. Also tell them that it's becoming hard for you to keep the balance and you don't want to be in a situation where you would have to live without your parents (they should get the hint of the consequences of her behavior at this point hopefully).
Good suggestion, but, early on in marriage, parents are very protective of their daughters and don't know their damaads well enough to make an unbiased judgement. It works better for those who are married for sometime.
You are absolutely right, but I think in such situations, the hubby bringing that issue as a concern, rather than complain, could work (though in op’s situation, it did not work). The goal is to bring the parents of girl on your side by asking for their help. Of course it all needs to be sincere effort and not a diplomatic act.
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
Sadzzz, do you have family events with both sides of the family? Like does your husband try to get close to your family as well?
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
Yes. We have kept it very balanced.
Not too sure how this relates to anything here though 
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
But thats the thing… No one in their right mind expects their spouse to automatically fall in love with the in laws… That’s not even what the OP expects. But to make faces, create excuses to not socialise with them over intervals of time is completely unjustified when NO solid reason behind this behaviour is found.
Part of building a new relationship is to familiarise (and to make an effort to get along with) the significant people in their partner’s life.
If the situation is as the OP mentions, that his wife just doesn’t want to have anything to do with his parents then I personally can’t see how an average loyal son would get over this and work on his relationship with his wife. There would be too much resentment to get over it and fall in love with such a woman.
PS: you did not agree with some of the posts, others did not agree with yours… Doesn’t make anyone “nuts”
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
Also, it's more likely than not that the girl's parents are behind her behaviour... So I don't see how talking to em will make any difference. The OP needs to lay the cards on the table and let the wife choose the sort of future she wants for herself.
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
Though what Saleem has suggested is extreme, the gist of what he's saying is somewhat valid. I think you need to take a firmer stand on this. I've seen way too many families where the wife is completely unwilling to get along with her in laws, and as a result the husband finally gives up and ends up being separated from his family.
that's true. seen quite a few such cases. the behavior shown by the OP's wife is typical of what many women do right after marriage. doubt she will ever change, or even if she does, it would be just for show ... not necessarily changing into a mature married person who sincerely tries to strike a balance between the two families.
in my experience, the effort to detach the husband from his family starts from day one. it usually starts by in-laws showering tons of attention & love on the guy while making a conscious effort to shut out his family. then there is scheduling of a lot of dawats / events at wife's parents' house, where everyone from her side is present but husband's parents are ignored. it remains all nice and dandy if the husband goes along with that theme of events but if he objects then obviously it causes friction. i dont think these things ever improve really ...
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
Being polite and courteous to your guests does not equal falling in love with them. It's basic human decencey.
Tolerance is not same as acceptance, but it is a good starting point.
Life is too short to wasted on catering for someone's my way or high way demands. That's real life trolling which must be ignored.
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
You have to realize any girl is genuinely instantly open to the man she loves as she accepts him and can comfortably show ALl sides of her personality and becomes care-free. In regards to her in laws she will still be hesitant or reserved towards them because its a new relation that's developing, and she needs to become comfortable with them over a much longer time. Where as with her parents she had a naturally intimate relationship and she can be care-free so she's comfortable to talk to them. I would suggest give her time especially more than a YEAR to develop her relationship with your folks. Try not to base your relationship with her based on whether she gets along with your folks. Try to figure out her love for you alone. Don't hold these toxic thoughts in your head, pray more, forgive more, give more without expectation, start on a clean canvass the next chapter of your life. And give her time to develop an intimacy with your folks. Good luck a year is nothing try not to scrutinize her so much 😊
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
so what happened with the tea? I hope she behaved for her sake!
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
so what happened with the tea? I hope she behaved for her sake!
Hi all,
Sorry for the delay on this.
We it went just OK. My parents were in a really good mood and hence the whole environment was much changed because of that. However, she still was keep in her space, and that space annoys me a lot, that means to indulge in using the mobile and do not socialize with people who have taken out to come and meet you.
I also followed the advice of a few members and sat down with her, after my parents left and talked to her in detail. It didnt go as I would have expected, but i think its a sensitive issue. I am just going to observe the whole situation for a few more days. I am still confused what to do, if she comes back again with one of her behaviours.
Re: Need Advice- Wife Issues
Hi all, However, she still was keep in her space, and that space annoys me a lot, that means to indulge in using the mobile and do not socialize with people who have taken out to come and meet you.
It's not easy as a newcomer to participate in family conversations. Often the conversations are about past events - weddings, trips, birthdays, or friends/relatives that the new person has never met. Even after 6 years of marriage, I get bored when my in laws start reminiscing about say, my husband's childhood or cousin A's grand wedding that happened years ago.
You should be her ally by steering the conversation to topics that she's interested in. Try to actively seek her opinion on things, talk about things in her comfort zone. If your parents are talking about an unfamiliar topic, give her some background so she doesn't feel left out. Talk about some of the things she does. Show your support by appreciating a dish she's made, or small things she does around the house. By doing this your parents will get to know her better too.