Hi all,
I have been married for a few months now, but I would not call it a happy marriage. Me and my wife are always fighting. I have been thinking a lot about this and have been trying to do whatever is in my powers to make her happy. She is happy as long as she gets what she wants. My biggest concern is her behavior to my family especially my parents. She doesn’t like going to meet them, or keep in touch with them. If they call us to talk, she becomes very moody. On the contrary, she is always trying to run to her maika and always calling her mother. Every one in my family and extended family notices her behaviour and this has come to a point where they are asking me why is her mood like this always. As a result, I try not to take her any place in my family get together. Infact, she is happy not to go, and everytime there is a case where my family plan anything, she asks to be dropped at her parent’s house.
I am not the kind of person who would force my wife for anything, if she is not feeling like cooking or washing, I would get up and do it myself. I always meet her parents with smile as I am a light hearted person.
As I mentioned, it has only been few months since our wedding, we have been fighting like anything. I am confused now what to do, because my future with her is dark, it worries me when I think about spending the rest of my life with her. How can I spend my life with someone who doesn’t respect me, my parents, my family or my feelings. She is always fighting about everything and I have no control over anything.
I am afraid that if the situation continues I will be forced to take adverse actions, as I do not see any positive thing coming from this relationship.
Man up. No really, sit down with her and calmly explain to wifey the things that you expect of her in a relationship. There should be give and take, and by no means am I encouraging you to turn into the Fuhrer, but you need to clearly (and calmly!) communicate your needs to her.
Don't budge when she throws a tantrum or gets moody. Stop giving in to her when she's being irrational. I'd give her a few chances but if she continues to behave like a child then have divorce papers drawn up, sit her down, and tell her to pick. Either she changes or she signs.
I have sat down with here alot of times and explained to her. My parents are planning to come tomorrow for evening tea, not that she wants them to come or she invited them, but because I want them to come over. I am pretty sure what to expect from my wife. I don't want to hurt her, i really dont, but I wont let her do more damage. I am not sure if I am doing right or wrong, but this madness has to come to an end.
This is not curable. You and your family are going to have to learn to live with this attitude of hers, if you want to continue with this relationship further.
What Wendy said.
Early few years of marriage are the hardest. At this point some women are still very very attached to their maika. They view their susral as their opposition. A lot of time susral is very nice to them but because we live in a society where everything bad is associated with susralis, newly married come with a perception that susral se banay gi nahi, saas yeh kahay gI, woh kahay gi, etc. give her time. Take her out. Be close to her but every now and then do plan outings with your parents and her together. Let her see they are not bad people. Invite your parents over. Don't put a burden on her though, you have to cook wagera. Order something from outside if you have it. she won't start looking them overnight. It will take tine but I promise you because you are recently married you are going through this. It will be fine. First two years of shaadi are the toughest.
A lot of girls come with this perception of evil inlaws while inlaws are Nice to them. Yehi attitude phir unke gale padta hai, when inlaws get tired of her attitude and give a crap about her. Sad truth. Phir GS pe Rona shuru ho jata “haye haye mere inlaws mujhe nahin pochte”
I have been thinking a lot about this and have been trying to do whatever is in my powers to make her happy. She is happy as long as she gets what she wants. My biggest concern is her behavior to my family especially my parents. She doesn't like going to meet them, or keep in touch with them. If they call us to talk, she becomes very moody. On the contrary, she is always trying to run to her maika and always calling her mother. Every one in my family and extended family notices her behaviour and this has come to a point where they are asking me why is her mood like this always. As a result, I try not to take her any place in my family get together. Infact, she is happy not to go, and everytime there is a case where my family plan anything, she asks to be dropped at her parent's house.
I am not the kind of person who would force my wife for anything, if she is not feeling like cooking or washing, I would get up and do it myself. I always meet her parents with smile as I am a light hearted person.
As I mentioned, it has only been few months since our wedding, we have been fighting like anything. I am confused now what to do, because my future with her is dark, it worries me when I think about spending the rest of my life with her. How can I spend my life with someone who doesn't respect me, my parents, my family or my feelings. She is always fighting about everything and I have no control over anything.
I am afraid that if the situation continues I will be forced to take adverse actions, as I do not see any positive thing coming from this relationship.
Why don't you read/say this to her and replace "she"/"her" with "you".
poohe tu masla … na pooche tu bhi masla …
if in laws visit them to bhi problem … na visit kare tu bhi priblem …
if they congratulate you tu bhi masla … na kare tu bhi masla…
if they cook food for you tu bhi masla … na banaye tu bhi tidd peer …
shaadi karne ka pata he bas but they don’t want to fulfill the responsibilties & new relationships that come with it …
husband ki family ko mazaaq samjha hua he … these ladies only want to visit their house & want their husband to be all good to them & thats about it …
kuch khawateen bohat aadat se majboor hoti he bas …
I have talked to her a lot of times, and it only escalates the problems. Its always the same answer, that I am trying to force her or we are different. If my family and parents are not welcome, should I not welcome her family and parents? Why do I have to sit and watch this? I agree that most of the people are saying that 2 years are diffficult, and so did my parents told me, but what if after 2 years things are same or even worse!!!
Obviously you two are not on the same page when it comes to her in-laws...I'd ignore her and continue meeting them until she realizes that whether she likes them or not...they are here to stay.
You arguing with her, convincing her, talking to her, etc has gotten you nowhere.
What would she do if you told her that if she won't welcome your family, you'll do the same for hers? Or that you will just overall behave with her family the way she does with yours?
I have talked to her a lot of times, and it only escalates the problems. Its always the same answer, that I am trying to force her or we are different. If my family and parents are not welcome, should I not welcome her family and parents? Why do I have to sit and watch this? I agree that most of the people are saying that 2 years are diffficult, and so did my parents told me, but what if after 2 years things are same or even worse!!!
Did you say the excerpt below exactly?
I am confused now what to do, because my future with her is dark, it worries me when I think about spending the rest of my life with her. How can I spend my life with someone who doesn't respect me, my parents, my family or my feelings. She is always fighting about everything and I have no control over anything.
I am afraid that if the situation continues I will be forced to take adverse actions, as I do not see any positive thing coming from this relationship.
I have talked to her a lot of times, and it only escalates the problems. Its always the same answer, that I am trying to force her or we are different. If my family and parents are not welcome, should I not welcome her family and parents? Why do I have to sit and watch this? I agree that most of the people are saying that 2 years are diffficult, and so did my parents told me, but what if after 2 years things are same or even worse!!!
Actions speak louder than words...laton ke bhoot baton se nahin mantay.
If she is unwelcoming and ungracious, let her excuse herself until she can behave like an adult around others. Ignore her and tell your family not to mind her attitude...she will soon get the hint that SHE needs to change.
Welcome her family because you are NOT the same as her.
Your wife obviously seems to think that this behavior of hers will stop your family from coming over. Don't let that happen. Continue having them over and seeing them etc. Tell her that if she is able to be polite and welcoming she may join you, otherwise she can't. Although I must say that how the wife treats her in laws has a lot to do with her husband. Perhaps you are being too nice and soft on her. Let her know her behaviour is unacceptable and you won't put up with it any longer. Let her know which direction the door is if this keeps up.
Good, healthy and balanced relationships don’t grow out of an attitude like the one your wife has. Everyone has given you really good advice but I don’t think you’ll be able to change your wife’s attitude.
I don’t know if the tea event has passed, but if it hasn’t…don’t focus on the fact the she hadn’t invited them. Concentrate on making the visit a pleasant one for your parents.
I like Spiral’s idea of arranging get-togethers where your parents and her parents will be present. Heck, you can even invite her parents over to the tea party if possible :halo:. This way she can observe how her parents socialize with your parents…and she may “learn” how to do it or at least become more comfortable with it. And it allows her parents to see with their own eyes how she behaves with your parents …and as a result guide her.
…and as a result guide her.