Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

Lifestyle Relationships
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21

Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

Im sorry I just can’t get past “not wanting to go to HS”… what kind of kids will she raise??? :no:

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

Hmm.. Not sure you meant this, but I don’t think people who go to HS are better at raising kids than those who didn’t (by choice or not). There are plenty of women without a “proper” education but they have managed to raise some very well mannered and intelligent children.

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

Well it depends. Someone who wasn't able to or didn't want to get higher education or couldn't get basic education due to restrictions (cultural or financial) sure they can be great parents.... no doubt about that whatsoever.

But someone who didn't even have the desire to complete BASIC education in a western country--not that they weren't allowed but they didn't want to (HS is basic)...it shows they don't value education and have no ambition in life whatsoever and I'd be pretty scared someone like that would raise children.

yes, I am judging and judging hard.

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

Off to the gem box.

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

Glad we got the judging part covered :)

Hmm, no. It shows they make poor choices and lack basic guidance ( that too from our point of view). Just because you and I think getting an education in life is an "ambition" - it doesn't mean it is for everyone. They could have other ambitions and goals in life.

But I still don't understand why you would be **scared **someone without basic education raises children?

What are you scared of?

I don't remember ever reading that any kid suffered due to their parents' lack of ambition.. or in this case education as you mention.. That kid is going to have it pretty awesome.. apni marzi se parho like amma :p

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

Ok, so what do you think happens when a kid struggles in school and can't find the support at home? Parents didn't care about even basic education, so it's much more likely they won't take their kids' much more seriously? Kids who struggle in school and don't have support at home = low confidence and self esteem which lays the foundation for making bad decisions later on. That's a pretty big deal IMO.

Again, I'm not talking about higher education or SAHM vs career or even earning power......just having a very very basic education.

Anyway, this is getting OT, I fully accept that many will disagree this isn't a popular thing to say but whatever.

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

So struggling kids and bad decisions later on in life means uneducated people shouldn’t have/raise kids?

You know, it’s not only the uneducated parents kid who struggles in school or develops low self-esteem or makes bad decisions.

The same could happen with kids of parents who work too much, overweight parents, too ambitious parents etc. That could actually happen even with perfectly well balanced parents' kids.

It’s not a popular thing to say because it’s silly. Education doesn’t qualify someone more for parenthood.

But yes let's just agree to disagree.

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

Actually no, what I find ridiculous is that no one sees just how alarming it is that someone refuses even a basic education and how it possibly cannot affect their offspring. Isn't part of being a parent passing your values on to your children?

Feel free to talk about overweight, ambitious, workaholic parents in another thread, but that's not the topic here.

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

Most people will not trust a person off the net to spend time in their house.

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

I totally agree with @Mrs_Saieen on this. The fact that this women came to the US at 15 and “decided” not to go/finish high school is alarming. Why was she even allowed to make they decision at all? Where were her parents? Don’t want to go to college, fine. I get that. But not even finishing basic, primary education?!? If she’s 30 now, that means she came here in 2000 and that’s not some “puraana zamaana” where it didn’t matter if you didn’t go to school. What the heck was she doing for the past 15 years?!? Something is just not adding up…she’s fobby with broken English yet can balance 2 different guys one of which she met on the internet lol and is ready to fly halfway across the world in secret to test out living with him…Sorry, not buying it.

Honestly, with the lack of cognitive reasoning that has been displayed for the past 15 years, it should be of no surprise to anyone that she’s ready to fly half way across the world to stay with a man she met off the internet.

And I’m sorry, but her past and decision to “not go to high school” will totally impact the type of parent she will become. If she and her parents didn’t see the need or value of basic education for her, chances are she won’t see it for her kids either and that potentially will keep in motion this cycle of poor decision making. You can’t even flip burgers without a GED or high school diploma, God forbid something happens to her husband how does she plan on feeding her kids?!

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

^ Thank you @khattichic for putting it so much better than I could.

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

The point is not her education. The thing which is strange that she said no to basic high school graduation. You were 15 and made big decision.
From the first post, it does not look she belongs to conservative family. She was dating with guy one who lives near her... and now chatting with guy two who is in Pakistan.

I agree with mrs saieen and khattichic. I can doubt her ability of making such big decision without consultation of family. I can feel fear.

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

I do find it alarming that someone in this day and age would make such bold (and crappy IMO) decisions for themselves because just like the majority I'm pro education. But it doesn't make me question someone's parenting ability if they don't have an HS. I see these women all the time in my work and they're great mothers and just like any other mother, they want the best for their child, even if they have made some pretty stupid decisions for themselves. (not talking about OP's scenario since I've not read it completely)

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

Red Flags through and through. If she really wants to go then she should take someone with her.

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

I get both sides of the education argument but in this scenario, her lack of any kind of common sense shows based on what we see here. The fact that her family is also MIA not only with her marriage situation but her schooling situation is a huge red flag and some what of an indication of her background which doesn't seem to be very stable or supportive. Maybe finishing HS and experiencing HS could have been that deal breaking factor that would stop her from potentially making a huge mistake (i.e. Flying half way across the world to stay with God knows who.) It's not about uneducated parents not being good parents, but in this case her upbringing seems to be playing a huge role in her lifestyle choices right now. I too am curious as khatchic what has she been doing this whole time? Like seriously where is her family??

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

Going to school and college isn't even always about education but about developing social skills as well. I thought I was highly educated and socially competent when I was done with my A levels but university was a massive game changer. So, I will assume people who're making such illogical decisions at 30 missed out on a lot of experiences because of the lack of HS.

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

One year? One year is nothing. It flies. You can never know someone truly well enough, until you meet them face to face few times and then you'll know if they're really someone you want to spend your whole life with. In that one year has she video chatted with this guy or just texting/voice call? Has she met him before? I figure she hasn't. That's a big no. Is she an American citizen by now? She's 30 now and came when she was 15, so in 15 years I am guessing she got naturalised. Don't want to be a pessimist, but this sounds like an easy way to access US citizenship as well. Not that all guys or girls from Pakistan have malicious intent when they go about talking to people on the internet, but this does happen more often than not.

You need to tell her all of these risks and fears related to getting into a relationship so soon, switching over from a LDR. Not that LDRs don't work, but it takes time. If you jump into a relationship very soon, it is always a gamble. Tell her 30 is nothing, it is the new 10. Since 40 is the new 20. She shouldn't rush into anything, least of all a marriage. I know plenty of girls in the UK and Dubai, that got married when they were 27, 28, 29, 30, 31 etc. No time limit to finding the right person to spend your whole life with. If she thinks she's 30 and is NOT WITH SOMEONE then she's stupid. Stop being so melodramatic and emotional, stop running after the wrong guys due to her insecurities and fears of being 30 and not married yet and just maybe she'll end up with the right guy.

Tell her to not rely on the internet and look for people around her. Go for coffee dates, for cinema nights etc. Get to know someone local and that's the best way of judging someone enough to see whether it is good to marry them or not. Or tell the guy from Pakistan to move to the USA. Why is she doing all the legwork to be with him? If he wants to be with her, if he came back, if he is ready to break his baat pakki with the other girl he's gotten engaged to, then he should put in the hard work too. Just to show how serious he is. Why is it that the females always have to do something? Have they talked about the prospects after their so called marriage? Who is going to live where? Is she happy being in Pakistan? Will she be working or just stay as a housewife? Guys seem different before marriage when they're pursuing someone but totally change afterwards. They become more conservative and protective. She lived in US for 15 years, her mentality I am assuming is open minded and changed. Will it match with the guy that stays in Pakistan? There is a lot of questions that need to be answered and thought about, before reaching the final conclusion of thinking marriage with him.

I would discourage her from taking this step, even if she was my friend and hated me for life. At least I would have put genuine questions in her mind about the validity of such an arrangement and whether it is feasible or not. If she's emotional and later jumps into this marriage and it doesn't work out, she'll deffo remember that I had always stood by her side and told her the right thing to do, not the things she wanted me to say.

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

Yes, her parent are aware. But, as mentioned before, they do not care.

I am not sure if her sister in pak knows, but either way, she doesn't want her sister involved until she is satisfied with everything herself. In other words, once she meets him and the family, she will visit her sister to start getting ready for a nikah

She has spoken to his parents, dad promised he would break off the baat pakki with the girl living there and wait for my friend to come to pak and get the nikah.

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

@Dubaiwali -

She has video chatted, but never met cuz she hasn’t gone to Pakistan yet. She just got her citizenship, about a month or so ago. But the guy “promised” her, it’s her choice where they live, whether Pakistan or here. So she will take make that decision later, once she is married. She doesn’t care where they are either as long as its with him. And yes, she would be a housewife there in pak, but here she would have to still work. Eitherthey will stay in pak, OR, she will get the nikah as planned, then come back here in a few months to come back to work, and then play it by ear from there.

And the guy (before they broke up) knew she was in the process of getting her citizenship, so by now found out from her of course thatshe already got it. And now is ready to leave the baat pakki chick for her. So shady

And, she met him on shaadi.com, I dunno if that’s an indication of anything
I have tried telling her, this girl just wouldn’t listen. She is willing to take that chance, and I think she is being hard headed. She is way too stuck on the “mujhe aur koi nahi milne wala” blah blah crap.

It would have been a totally different story if she was going let’s say, a couple of states over to meet the guy, then I wouldn’t be as scared. But across the seas?! ugghhh

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Re: Need advice for a friend travelling for a guy

Listen mate, this all seems dodgy right. The guy broke up with her, but as soon as she got her citizenship he comes back? I am not saying Shaadi.com doesn’t work, but seriously, deciding to marry without even meeting once or twice? I don’t think the guy sounds poor or something, couldn’t he have visited her in USA to see how she lives, her lifestyle etc? How can even the guy say yes to all her demands and comply with everything without knowing anything? It doesn’t sound right. Right now he’s saying it is her choice, but as soon as she gets married to him, her choice will probably stop being mattered. It will be him in charge, him in control and she will have to go along because she’s married to him now. Tell her don’t be stupid, you break up with guys etc but it doesn’t matter that much, you divorce and get out of a marriage, that is a big deal - not because of what people will say, but because it has a bad psychological effect on your mind and you start thinking negative things like maybe it was because of me, maybe I was at wrong etc when when you aren’t.

I don’t know how good of a friend you are to her, but try telling her a bit more. Where is her family? Her parents? Her sister in Pakistan, isn’t she concerned about what her sister is up to? As a friend there is only a certain limit to where you can advice and help your friend, after that you cannot and I understand that. No one wants to get involved deeply into other people’s affairs, that also dodgy international ones, but seriously, tell her to stop being insecure and thinking like this that she won’t ever find someone and this is it - do or die. There’s other ways to find proper proposals too, or find matches. The route she’s chosen, she doesn’t really know what lies waiting for her at the end. There’s a huge risk of the unknown. I totally agree that it would have been a different matter if the guy was in the US and she could jus hop on a domestic flight to go see him and meet him 2-3 times this way, before taking the plunge, but this is crazy.

Easy to make promises, very hard to go through with them, especially when so much is at stake. I just think my gut instinct is telling me that the guy will tell her to he wants to go to America. She’ll have to apply for spouse visa or something, as soon as he gets his green card, things will change. But to each their own, if she wants to take a plunge in the deep end, up to her.